My Weekend: Clearing Out the Instant Dinner is Over? What Can You & TwoOfUs Contribute? Etc.
So. I'll try to be concise.
Sunday afternoon, I felt like cooking, so I told DH he could invite all kids over if he wanted. I made a big Mexican spread and really enjoyed myself. We already had YSD there for the weekend...DH and SS were leaving right after lunch to head for the college visit, so I figured he should just invite all kids.
Literally the second the meal was over, both SDs took off...without even taking a single dish to the sink. DH and SS cleared out to head downstate for the college visit the next day. Fine. That's what I was expecting, and DH is usually really good about cleaning up the kitchen after I've cooked, and at other times. He's more of a clean freak about the kitchen than I am...so I have a pretty good deal when I cook, overall. Still. Not a single dish to the sink? From any of his kids...aged 21, 19, and 17? They really have been raised better than that. I was shocked by how fast the two girls took off after the meal was over.
When they got back from the visit yesterday, DH and I talked about how it went. SS took the tour, met with the program heads, took a placement test, did orientation, and registered for fall classes. Looks like the Pell Grant will cover most if not all of tuition and extra fees...and then he can get other aid as well. The problem is, it's a commuter school...community college with this one special program SS is interested in, so there's no student housing and it's a fast-growing metro area. Rent for a basic studio apartment is about 1K a month or more.
DH told me that he called and talked to Ex while SS was in orientation. She mentioned that "maybe your parents will want to pick up SS's lodging." DH told me that he told her that...from his parents perspective...they have grandchildren who have no interest in spending any time with them or having a relationship with them...but are more than happy to ask them for money. He said ex went silent for a long minute and then said something like: "Well, I don't think that's fair, but I'm sorry they feel that way." (A little background - DH's ex mocks his parents and their 'materialism' and 'wrong values' a lot...even though she's benefited extensively from their generosity...and the kids have picked up on this attitude toward their grandparents. Of course, DH's parents aren't dumb, and they are very generous...but they mentioned this fact to me and DH the last time we were visiting. I think they set themselves up for it a little bit by giving the BM money each year at Christmas for the first few years AFTER she and DH got divorced...but I think they've learned their lesson now.)
Anyway - this is getting long. DH told me some other stuff he said to BM regarding her expectations and treatment of his parents, which I'm glad he was able to express. Then she said: "OK. So we won't go to your parents. I'll look at what I can contribute, and you and TwoOfUs can maybe figure out a number for what you can do..."
SO, as DH is relaying this info...I stopped him. Like: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You and 'TwoOfUs' won't be contributing anything. SS is 19, he's been living at home and working nearly full-time with only his own gas and car insurance to worry about...he should have some money saved up."
Well...surprise, surprise...he has about a thousand in the bank right now. DH says that he doesn't think that 'doing nothing at all' is reasonable. It's a tough area for housing, SS will be out on his own for the first time...he doesn't really know much if anything about living on his own...he'll have school to think about...
I told him...we can send SS money from time to time out of the goodness of our hearts...we can send care packages...but the bulk of the responsibility should be on him. He can get loans. DH countered that he doesn't want SS taking out too much in student loans because he 'hasn't been that great about finishing what he starts.' (Me: "Huh? Isn't that all the MORE reason why he should assume the risk and the burden? Maybe if he has some skin in the game...oh, nevermind!")
Anyhow. We went back and forth for a while until finally I just said: "Look. Our formal, monthly contribution to this will be zero. Tuition is covered, books are covered...SS can get loans and have a part-time job and figure it out. Like I did at his age." I also reminded DH that I got student loans for my PhD...which I am still paying back. Part of those loans were spent as living money at OUR house...with HIS kids. It went to their CS from time to time. Like HECK I'm going to still be paying back my student loans while also putting a set amount toward SS's dream program...so that SS won't have to take out any loans. GAHHHHHH!
Unreasonable? I was just floored by this expectation from BM...and, by extension, from DH. Oh, yeah. And, also, Snowflake SS NEEDS his own place. He can't possibly have a roommate or look for cheaper housing because you just never know what kind of sketchy situation you're going to get into. Uh huh.
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So, there was no planning
So, there was no planning ahead of time for SS and college? I don't mean you saving money for SS. I mean SS thinking about reality and how he is going to come up with the money for this "dream program"
I point blank told my SD13 just last Friday that she needs to have a plan. BM sure as shit won't be helping her and we can't afford to because we are already supporting two households.
This is my issue exactly.
This is my issue exactly. We've been supporting two households for over 7 years now...and now that we're almost at the finish line we're supposed to voluntarily sign up to contribute to a third?
Honestly, SS is not a good planner...and neither is his mom. This is the program I told him to look into 2 years ago...nine days ago he decided he wanted to go...and now we're all just supposed to hop to? He's been living at home with just one bill for an entire YEAR. He couldn't set anything aside?
It's an affordable, two-year program. With a small loan each year, say 5-7K a year, he could have a safety net in order to pay rent if he's not able to work enough hours or something. Heck. He's got nearly 2 months until classes start. If he saves most of each paycheck, he can have first and last month's rent and moving expenses before he heads off. He graduates with a two year certificate...entry pay in this profession is $400-500 a day. You don't get to work every day, but you get enough work. He has a 12-15K low interest student loan to get into this field? I think he'll be fine. I'm not the one getting the benefit of this program...not even a little bit. Not even the parental benefit of knowing my kid is doing well/set up. Why should I be contributing?
Oh wait, I'm sure SS will think to come back to me when he's making plenty of money and repay me for everything I contributed to his welfare while he was growing up...maybe he'll take care of me in my old age to thank me for all of the selfless sacrifices that I, as a parental figure, made to his eventual success. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
If he is terrible with money,
If he is terrible with money, maybe your DH should hold onto the money to make sure his rent is paid thru the semester(s). If not, it will be gone in a month.
lol. It's a film program for
lol.
It's a film program for entry-level PA work...technical stuff like lighting, grip, and electric. Standard pay on a big production is around $400-500 a day...but even near a film center, like where we live, you can't work every day on a big production...or even half time. Smaller, independent productions pay a lot less, and it's pretty grueling work.
SS will make a decent living, no doubt. If he can force himself to finish.
No, not unreasonable at all.
No, not unreasonable at all. YOU are under no obligation to support someone else's kid and BM should shut it when it comes to the grandparents.
SHE and your husband and the skid are the ones responsible.
I JUST got done paying some expenses for the Things and now that they have graduated, I am NOT putting that money to use on ASS's college expenses or even saving it for KarateKid and BabyVoice. Not my kids, not my responsibility.
Yes...I know it's not
Yes...I know it's not unreasonable. I guess that was kind of rhetorical.
I do want SS to launch and to do well. I just think he should have more of a stake in it than he's had in the past.
BM and the grandparents thing is just hilarious. When we were visiting with them last, they referred to her as "money-grubbing and tacky" - and said they worry that the kids are following in her footsteps. So, I guess we know where they stand. I can't fault the kids for seeing them as an ATM. That's how their mom has treated them for their entire lives...while being really haughty and 'holier-than-thou' about their 'love of comfort' and 'materialism' and such.
As you may know, Asshat is
As you may know, Asshat is loaded and he and I crafted a plan to put our kids through college that required them to have some skin in the game. I think it's essential
If it were my kid and I could
If it were my kid and I could afford it I would be willing to contribute some money to cover a portion of rent/food but I would expect my kid and the other parent to contribute some too. I bet he can find cheaper accommodation than that. When I was a student no one lived in their own apartment that was out of reach financially to most. There will be some at his college who do not commute and will want to be roommates, just takes a little hunting to find them.
The thing is - BM may not
The thing is - BM may not know this but "You and TwoOfUs" actually just means TwoOfUs as I cover most of the household bills and make more than DH. So it would be me covering it, not DH. Even if DH did decide to put some of his earnings toward this...I'd still be subsidizing it since he's already not contributing as much as I am to our joint household account each month. I'd say we're at about 2/3 me, 1/3 him most months. If he chooses to give $$$ to his kid out of what he reserves as his personal money each month...I'll still feel like I'm the one really contributing.
I agree that he can easily find cheaper housing or get a roommate...but DH just shot down everything I suggested. Widdle baby boy can't be expected to share space with people he doesn't even know!!! What if they up and leave and he's left with no way to pay their portion of rent? You just never know what you're getting!
Gag me.
Dear Mr. TwoofUs - wanna know
Dear Mr. TwoofUs - wanna know what your kid would be getting? A real life education
Oh, we couldn't possibly have
Oh, we couldn't possibly have that!
When it's free, it has no
When it's free, it has no worth. I think every kid that goes to college should be invested in some way.
Yep. His parents are wealthy
Yep.
His parents are wealthy and give us nice presents and sold us the house we live in below market value. Don't get me wrong...I really do appreciate these things and recognize that it makes it easier to support my husband and his kids...lol.
I get the sense, though, that DH counts these "gifts" from his family as far more influential in our day-to-day finances than they actually are. The truth is, I could have covered paying for this house and bought all the gifts his parents have given to us 3 or 4 times over if DH was pulling more of his weight and/or if he didn't bring any kids to the equation. And I'd rather have my cash and control over it than hoping for the generosity of others...
I agree that he's going to
I agree that he's going to have trouble finishing if it's all on him...and I really do want SS to launch, so this is a concern. I just don't want to commit to x number of dollars every month bc I know I'll resent it.
Oh no. Normally you'd be
Oh no. Normally you'd be right but I 100% made these points to DH...even more strongly if anything. Proud of myself for that.
I can definitely see how it
I can definitely see how it came across that way
Also, I do think going to have to state my "NO" several times on this one, so thank you for the reminder to stay strong!
Why did DH not tell BM - Two
Why did DH not tell BM - Two has nothing to do with this, SS is your child not hers....pay up cow...
Believe me if BM ever comes up with something like this I will go into full mode and explode cause SO did not tell her to not even mention my name
Well, the college is a
Well, the college is a community college...which is why there are no dorms or other student housing or network of other students looking for roommates. 98% of students live in that community and drive in each day. We live about 4 hours away, so SS can't commute.
Totally agree w/everything else you and Fruit are saying, though...and it's basically what I told DH. Heck. When I was just 2 years older, 21, I went off to a grad program 7 hours away...school was covered by my assistantship and I got a stipend, but it was a crappy humanities stipend of about $900 a month. My rent in a shared space was $425...so after taxes I had about $500 a month for everything else. Car insurance, cell phone, gas...food. It was tough but I did it and I learned a lot. My parents spent a couple hundred dollars getting me some decent furniture from thrift stores in the area...we found some really good deals...but they certainly didn't send me a housing allowance every month, and I would never have expected them to. I don't see why this situation with SS is any different.
can he get a motel room for
can he get a motel room for like 150/wk? they have lots of those around here.