The Pancake Batter Saga
So. Many of you wrote in when I posted a blog about my stepson and how he can't seem to use grape jelly without getting it everywhere.
https://www.steptalk.org/node/233042
About a week and a half ago, my husband and I got back from a two-day business trip out of town. While we were gone, SSstb19 housesat for us, got our mail, fed our dog. I am mostly cool with this, even though he's a bit of a disaster. He means well, really wants to please. Dog was happy, all the mail was in the bin...no problem. Then, I walk into the kitchen and see this white spatter everywhere. Cabinets, fridge, fridge handle. And not like small little pinpoint drops...big splashes. I touch it to try to figure out what it is, then I open the fridge door. At the base of the fridge is a big smear of white, and in the fridge there's one of those Shake & Pour pancake batter bottles still about 1/3 full.
I have no idea how this batter got in all the places it got...or why it wasn't cleaned up. But I stood there at the fridge and said to DH: "Looks like SSstb19 made pancakes while we were gone."
DH, of course, got defensive, sighed...asked something like: "What's wrong now?"
Me: "Nothing. It's just very obvious that SSstb19 made a batch of pancakes."
I didn't say anything else about it, nor did I clean it up. DH did bring it up with SS the next time we saw him...but here's the thing. A week and a half later and the pancake batter is STILL all over my kitchen. Does DH not see it? Is he waiting for me to clean it up? I can't imagine that's the case...he's actually quite good about contributing to housework and doesn't ever mind cleaning the kitchen. I guess I should just ask him why the pancake batter is still everywhere...or does that seem petty? We have a party on Sunday, so it will have to come up one way or the other before then.
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They are just kids but unless
They are just kids but unless they are taught better or have to deal with the grossness themselves, they won't do anything different. They will be adults doing gross, inconsiderate things.
What will be the excuse then? "It's not their fault, they were never taught any different." Exactly.
OMG! Even my just turned 7
OMG! Even my just turned 7 year old has more common sense than that (and has known that since he was old enough to take care of his own dishes)!! Food goes in the garbage and dishes go in the sink! That is not "just kids" that is lazy, not taught any better kids!
I would agree except that
I would agree except that I've SEEN this kid get taught with my own eyes. It just doesn't take for some!
I agree, and I shut it down,
I agree, and I shut it down, too. Especially as I am 100% certain that I don't deserve it. I am not even close to being a nag or unreasonable in my expectations...DH often comments about how cheerful and easy-going I am and how much he appreciates it. If I had any feeling that maybe I was "too hard" on DH or the skids somehow, I might understand that s*** a bit more...but that's simply not the case.
DH is good at this. The other
DH is good at this.
The other night I told him, "Yes, it IS a big deal and I am NOT going to keep quiet about it right now. Because it is effecting me RIGHT NOW. It's ridiculous!"
...he just short circuits when he has to deal with both SDs at the same time for more than a couple hours because he just can't seem to get them to help with anything...so he has to do things for three people. Not my issue.
I would agree except that I
I would agree except that I in no way make "everything his fault" and don't deserve that kind of dismissive response. I agree that he can't control what SS does when we're out of town...but it's his kid, so he should clean it up. Not that hard of a concept.
As a reference point. DH was mostly unemployed for all of 2016, and I covered 90% of everything for him and his kids...while remaining supportive and encouraging. I'm also almost unfailingly welcoming to his kids, even when I don't want to be. This is how I treat DH. I am incredibly loving, generous, and supportive and in no way a nag. If anything, he's a nag with me, often making passive aggressive comments about the way I do things.
**Edited to add: So the above is a snapshot which may make my DH look horrible. He's not. He's ambitious, felt worse about his unemployment than I did...gave himself far more abuse over it than I would have. He helps out around the house without being prompted because he likes neatness even more than I do. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're both neat...but he's far more type A and likely to nag about it than I am. Which is why the pancake batter still being all over is even more confusing. That kind of thing would normally bother the crap out of him.
^^^this. i totally "get" the
^^^this. i totally "get" the irritation! but if ss doesnt even live there (which is how it seems, seeing the way you stated that he was housesitting for you) then it's not a hill to die on. the fact that your dh hasnt cleaned it up yet appears that he's trying to turn it into a pissing contest, cuz he got so defensive when you first said something about it.
i'm still puzzled tho' as to HOW exactly your ss dispersed the batter all over the kitchen and even into the fridge! :?
Yeah...that's what it looked
Yeah...that's what it looked like. He didn't put the lid on tight and shook it everywhere!
Also, I know this kid doesn't put lids on tight because that was an ongoing thing we tried to teach/correct as well. He would just lightly set the screw-on soda tops...maybe give them a half-hearted half turn but never really twist it on tight. Flat soda constantly. I don't drink soda, so no skin off my nose...except that I was tired of buying it and it getting wasted. So I quit buying it. Better for them anyway.
Agree! Nothing more annoying
Agree! Nothing more annoying than the Manbaby Martyr routine. If you don't want to be nagged, if you don't want stupid shit pointed out, then don't do it or take care of it!!!! Ugh
Agree with all of
Agree with all of this...except I would also say that it just now occurred to me that the "what is it now" could just as easily have been DH expressing frustration with his son, rather than me. He knows his son is a train wreck who seems to have very few life skills and worries about it to me all the time. I'm usually the one saying that DH is being too hard on him...he's 18 and needs some time and space to figure some stuff out on his own.
Now that I'm reflecting, I am betting that his response wasn't "what are you fussing about now" as that really doesn't seem like DH...and more a "what has SS unwittingly destroyed this time..."
Men don't usually see that
Men don't usually see that kind of mess. If he has done nothing yet he is not going to. It is up to you and your resolve to do nothing balanced against the desire for a clean kitchen to decide how to proceed.
If it were me I would jus clean it up. It is a small task and your ss did a good job otherwise of looking after the house. It is not worth having an argument with anyone over. Now, if it happens again then it is worth discussing so that the pattern can be broken.
Yeah. I'll probably do it
Yeah. I'll probably do it today, even though it will irk me.
The problem is, it is a pattern. SS is just a walking mess-maker at all times. I really can't fault my DH, because he has tried to teach him...I've seen him give dozens of lessons..."this is how you spread grape jelly...with the back of a spoon rather than a knife that jelly just slides right off."
So, yep. SS is an adult now. Maybe his future wife will teach him.
call DH and ask him if he
}:) call DH and ask him if he thinks it's cum all over the kitchen and if he would be so nice to clean it...
I guarantee you DH forgot about the pan cake thing...
Ok... I agree that SS should
Ok... I agree that SS should be cleaning his own mess up. BUT......
I hate the way you tried to approach your husband about this.
The passive aggressive secret code you use is not helping your cause.
You are expecting your husband to read your mind.
What is wrong with using words very directly.
"Hey Hon, SS got pancake batter all over the kitchen while he was here, can you get him to clean it up?"
If your husband huffs and says.. what's the big deal.. you tell him that if he doesn't want to have SS clean it HE can clean it.
The way you two are communicating isn't great.
You make a comment that leads him to say "what's wrong".. then instead of saying that SS made a mess, you just use the "nothing..." tactic.
If nothing is wrong.. nothing got fixed.
When a woman uses the word
When a woman uses the word "nothing".. it definitely is not "nothing"..lol.
But, her husband probably didn't want to play the "read my mind about what I am ticked about now" 20 questions game with his wife. They had just gotten back from a trip and he may not have felt like dealing with it. She wasn't direct with him about what was aggravating her.
I'm not saying she shouldn't have been aggravated that the kid left a mess but sometimes it's better to ask for what we want directly.
Well, we normally communicate
Well, we normally communicate very well. We work together and many people comment about how clear it is that we're a strong team...but I'll admit I get a little gun shy when it comes to directly criticizing his kids. Partly justified, perhaps...but mostly not. DH is active with kids, expects a lot of them, makes them do chores when they're here, help set the table, etc. There have been a couple notable times over the years that we had some blowouts, but not that many, really.
I guess text doesn't convey the scene accurately either. The way I said it...was very clear that something was wrong and I was being funny about it. That's my sense of humor. And I honestly did think that the bizarre extent of the mess was funny. However, I also thought DH would clean it up!
It would have been nice.. but
It would have been nice.. but some men (my husband) are really good at not seeing the mess. lol.
I might have suggested you call out SS on it himself.. but to be honest, he DID house sit for you and seems like in general tried to do a good job. Not sure if he was compensated for that or not.. but if he did it for free.. I would have probably just let it go and cleaned it up.
Well, SS doesn't live here or
Well, SS doesn't live here or come over for visitation anymore...he was housesitting while we were away.
I would just say to, call,
I would just say to, call, text, email whatever him, "DH, we've got guests coming Sunday. Will you need help cleaning up the kitchen before then, or will you take care of it?"
I can see crumbs or a smudge
I can see crumbs or a smudge on the counter from 2 room smells away. I hate messes in my house , especially in the kitchen.
I would of gone ballistic if my DH had basically ignored the mess his kid made and didn't call him up and have him come over to clean it up. How disrespectful ! I'd of refused to cook a single thing in the kitchen until it was spotless. Your SS sound like a slob and your DH is a crappy parent for not having the mess cleaned up ASAP.
Just leave it there. Let's
Just leave it there. Let's take some bets on whether your DH will clean it last minute before your guests arrive, or will it still be there, or will you do it yourself?
Next time DH is frisky...ah not tonight hon...I am too tired from scrubbing splatters off the kitchen. Or you are too traumatized by the nightmares of the ordeal. Whatever. Just get a head start on some wine and you will not care if your kitchen is a mess.