Your FDH definitely needs a custody agreement. All this would be solved.

But realistically, your plans will, from time to time, be canceled because of skids. Just like they would be canceled with your birth children. A babysitter cancels...something comes up at school...a friend's birthday party. This will happen and is normal with raising children.

If you want to see your friends...can you have them over to your house...or can you get a babysitter for the evening? Just some thoughts.

Jen

I agree with what you are saying. Which is why FDH needs a custody agreement pronto. I can't believe there are people without them. I guess if you get along, it is one thing, but situations and people do change.

Unfortunately, you do have to rearrange everything at the moment because your FDH won't step up and put his foot down. When someone suggests or demands a change, he should say "Our verbal agreement was (so and so) and I am only doing that." He should say that to BM. But he doesn't. His fault. I'd be pissed at him. She wouldn't be able to change the schedule if he didn't agree to a change! You can't change how BM is...but FDH can stop feeding her behavior. He apparently just chooses not to.

You should have a sit down convo with FDH. Welcome to your life if FDH won't get a custody agreement! He would be the person I'd be p'd off at! If he didn't allow changes, it wouldn't happen. He has power...just won't use it.

Jen

"He hasn't gotten the details yet on next weekend. He said he is going to wait until Thursday to ask HER. "

This is the kinda of shit i had to teach my husband ten years ago to deal with. I told him, you dont ASK her, You TELL HER!!! You're ex is not your mother, she's not in control of what you do in your life. Hence when you havve plans, the kids skip out that weekend. Point Finale!!!

I know plans get cancelled from time to time. But speaking from experience, i use to cancel our plans all the timefor their schedual..after one year, i said fuck it! my life revolves around my dh , not his kids, not the ex wifes schedual.
Tell your boyfriend that next weekend is a no go...sorry, we made plans , their mother will just have to bring them ot the party. Stand your ground. Most likely what willhappen is she wont care, she'll put her bf to take care of them and take them there anyways...
Your fh doesn't have to be mean with her, he can call her from today, this way its not last minute and tell her, sorry i have a previous engagemnt to attend and i can't take the girls this weekend..sorry.
Now if she begins acting like a bitch , he can bring up all the times he's been flexible and taken them etc..etc..and let them hash it out.
And you should get a custody agreement. I dont know what he is paying in child support but if its a ridiculous amount, it may lower it, it may higher...depends where you live.
None custodial parents usually get Eowe and 2 weeks in the summer.

"He hasn't gotten the details yet on next weekend. He said he is going to wait until Thursday to ask HER. He doesn't talk to HER when he calls the kids - he only speaks to them. So he figures she will eventually give him the lowdown."

This is a BIG issue. Your DH is putting the kids in the middle of adult matters. They shouldn't be made responsible for telling dad things. He is making them responsible for HIS job as a parent to communicate with the other parent and is bad parenting!! He needs to put his big boy pants on and talk to his ex and stop using the kids like that!!

"He said he she wants to threaten him - she can. She is always threatening him with, "If you don't watch them for me then I won't let you see them anymore..." like we couldn't go to her mother's or her boyfriend's and they wouldn't hand them over to their own dad.

This is just an excuse and is crap. He was the one that was stupid and didn't get visitation & let BM have the power. Technically, yeah unless he fights for his kids and gets custody on paper, she can keep them away. Sucks, but it is the bed he made. I don't know how much fighting for custody/visitation costs. I would put it on a credit card, whatever I had to do if it were my kids though. Get a lawyer and get the paperwork started. Child support may stay the same, may go up or may go down, who knows. It depends on the rules, etc for the state, his income, etc etc etc. There is a formula they use.

EOW and 2 weeks in the summer is what my FDH's ex has. My FDH has custody. I think EOW & 2 weeks in the summer, maybe some holidays throughout the year is pretty standard. Some situations have 50/50 depending on how close parents are and other factors.

Either way, your DH needs to fight for visitation of his kids now. Get the ball rolling on it asap. She has this trump card and will use it as long as DH lets her. He has the power to make it stop. Hopefully for your marriage's sake, he will use it. TBH I couldn't be with my FDH if he let BM run all over him.

Yeah, if we have plans and they want to switch.. they are out of luck. After 6 yrs, we have stopped changing our lives to accomodate others. We no longer change things at a whim. Its not fair to you, its not fair to your relationship.. and for god's sake.. you shouldnt have those kids EW, that is WRONG!

Ok...I re read a couple of things and this stuck out to me...

"I don't want them to miss bdays BUT - our relationship cannot revolve around THEM all of the time - I am in this too..." and "I don't have children. - Realistically - this is MY life too."

You are in this, but you are in this with an involved father who wants to see his kids. Don't put yourself in the situation where you are making him choose between you and his children. You won't win. Nor should you. You won't fully understand this until you have kids. I don't fully understand it since I don't have kids. But i know it to be true.

We've canceled plans due to doctor's appointments, school stuff the kids forgot to tell dad about, kid needs something for school, kid has birthday party, etc etc etc. Sure, they aren't my kids. Sure, my life in theory shouldn't be directly impacted by his kids. Afterall, they are "his kids" right? On one hand yeah. But on the other hand, by dating and marrying a man with children, your life will automatically be impacted by them. Put it this way. His life is directly impacted by his kids. Your life (including him) is directly impacted by his decisions. So, you are impacted by the kids. This is something we have to realize when we marry a man who has previous responsibilities. Sometimes i go to events without FDH because the kids need something. I don't stop my life and stop what I am doing, like I might if I was their mother...but my life is impacted because sometimes FDH just can't join me...or something like that. And that just comes with dating a dad.

Just some thoughts after re-reading.
Jen

I have to agree with stepaside to keep an open mind about flexibility in this situation. Like christsluv2u said kids, whether your biological or steps are going to interrupt your life.
However, I understand completely that this stuff makes your blood boil! My hubby and his ex do not have a custody agreement, she is always in charge of when the kid comes and goes, it gets really tiresome and her decisions often interfere with our plans in some way.
He's so reluctant to get a custody agreement for reasons I have not been able to fully get out of him yet. I told him that I'd be o.k. with no agreement as long as he understood my limits--I laid out for him the things I will not tolerate which we both agreed were fair and reasonable. We have occasions when the same thing happens--we have plans, a family commitment, a 'date night' with each other, a get together with someone that is important to me.......and then the kid enters the picture unexpectedly. Usually we work out an agreement where he (hubby) repays me the favor of giving him a pass on that night to watch his kid. He never tells me I should stay back with him or cancel the plan (if it is something I can do on my own). He'll usually take me out for a nice dinner another time in the near future or he'll offer the clean the whole kitchen for me while I am gone and he is home with the kid. It is still really frustrating that the stuff happens but he tries to make it up the best way he can. We do not have children together yet so this could all change when we have children of our own but for now it is sufficient enough.