What do you do when BM tells lies?
I know I know...I am posting again.
I had a conversation with fsd7 this weekend...
we were in the car when she said she really wanted a baby brother...and she said, "You and my dad need to have a baby soon - mom says daddy is getting old..."
So I say - "Well, tell your mom to have another baby then...I don't want children, you two are enough for me to handle."
She says, "You are weird? Who doesn't want kids?"
I wanted to say - after having you two around - NO ONE WOULD WANT KIDS!
Me: "I chose to work and travel and I want to see things...I don't want to have to take care of any more children, you two are enough...maybe in 5 years from now...not right now. And besides - your dad and I are not married yet...I want to be married...and then we'll talk about things like that...but that is for me and your dad to decide, I want to do things the right way."
Her: "And us too- me, sissy, and my mom...we have to tell you, you can."
Me: "Okay..." (Shaking my head - I could feel my blood boiling.) WWTTTFFFFFFFF?
Her: "My mom and dad did things the right way...they were married...they had a house and a dog..with 2 cars...and then I was born and then my sissy...and then daddy met you and he left us when we were babies."
Me: What? I met your dad 1 year after he left your mother...you were 3 years old. Your sister was barely one when he left. I did not know your dad...we started dating when you were 2 and 4. I don't know who told you that but that is not the truth...(biting my lip - I could feel I was starting to get mmaddd!)
Then she goes on to tell me - "they made her when they were married..." I just said, "OKAY (NAME) that's enough - when you are older your dad will explain everything."
uhh --- nooooooo! she got knocked up on like their 3rd date - and he SHOULD have checked her i.d. - because she was 18 and he was 23 (yea - he was that stupid) HIS parents decided that the right thing to do would be to marry her...they married like a year after that devil arrived...Why would you even discuss this with a 7 year old? (Why did I even entertain the conversation?) She should have waited until she was older...then she could have told her what a mess the whole thing was - and she should learn from her mistakes...right? I feel like BM makes her say things like this - FH got in the car and looked at me and said, "What did she say now?" it's just like he knows it never fails...I told him to wait until we got home and they were playing..so I pulled him into our room when they were keeping themselves busy and told him about the conversation...he was like...uh - I guess when she is older she will know what happened - and that her BM trapped me with the 2nd one...sad.
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Personally, on "biggies"
Personally, on "biggies" like that story, I don't know if there is anything to do but wait until they ask at an appropriate age.
BM also has inappropriate conversations about her past with her daughter (11). I'm just glad she's still able to enjoy her childhood, though the prepubescent shows have started.
A week before passing, my dad and his oldest son had an all-out about the past, and while my brother left fuming, my dad was able to tell his side of the story without bringing up things about their mom, which would have been painful and unnecessary.
this is just one of those
this is just one of those "wow" things you know? catches you off guard? Like the whole "permission" part...I obviously know I can do what I want - they don't have a say in anything I do - but "WOW." She really things they all have say in that? I mean...that's a life decision...a life decision for my FH and I - NOT THEM! haha!
Oh, we've had that
Oh, we've had that permission thing too. IE: (to fh from his kids)You didn't ask is permission to get engaged. You have to tell us when your getting married, so we can say its ok.
Even my kids were like WTF! Why do you need their permission? Its crazy!
When ours would relay
When ours would relay 'stories' I'd just smile and say 'I'll tell you how it really happened when you get a bit older, sweetie.'' One of the worst things I discovered was that getting rattled was playing right into their hands!! It gave them power over me, rent in my head, so to speak. That I know the truth of situations, my husband knows the truth, in fact all the people really important to us know us better, that is all I need. Our girl will learn, I say to her 'you have choices Angel, you know in your heart what's right.' I give her no stories, denials, or any of that Bullcrap. This has been going on from age 10 and seems to be 'selective' depending on who's company she has kept. I really would not set any great store by what a child says, especially when the child's BM is so full of BS!!
When they get older and they
When they get older and they figure it out, they may respect you more for not having to be the one who is always "right" and respect her less for all the lies. I say don't let it get to you too much, at least at this age. Not to defend her, because I'm sure your BM is crazy, just like most of the ones we deal with on this site, but maybe she's trying to teach her daughters the "right way" to do things, so they won't make the same mistakes. I don't think she should be lying to them in order to do it though, but who knows. Maybe that has nothing to do with it. But I do know people who either hide their bad habits or mistakes and/or lie to their kids about them in order be able to teach their kids good values. Not saying it's right, but it does happen.
We did nothing. BM and her
We did nothing. BM and her family used to talk all sorts of crap about FDH. We did nothing about it. You can't tell a little kid that mom and grampa are lying. The kid won't believe you. All kids think their parents and gramps can do no wrong. So we let it go. Kids are teens now and they know who to believe. They think better of FDH too for never trashing mom.
So, I would let it go and never get defensive to DSD about it! Kids sense defensiveness and that is just feeding the behavior. Especially if she goes back to mom and says SM said "this and that".
So, I wouldn't do anything about it. DSD will figure out who is who and what is what when she is ready.
Jen
thanks for all of the
thanks for all of the helpful advice. I guess when you just live in "negativity" it starts to consume you. I am learning - slowly - but learning that I really have to just toss that negative over my shoulder and realize what FH and I have is real. It's not a one night stand...I am special enough to actually have a REAL relationship and he is special enough to have that with me ; ) Someday...all in good time - when the kids are older they will see that!
Wow! Just sad..... We deal
Wow! Just sad..... We deal with that type stuff too. We only correct what they tell her that involves us. Like when they tell her we don't love her. We make sure she knows we all love her very much. The rest of the bullcrap will eventually come to the light. SD will then know - who to believe and who to trust - in her own time.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
We have always gone with the
We have always gone with the truth with my SS-17 .... at any age. We temper it to be age appropriate but we always tell him the truth when he asks. His Mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married when he was 23mos old.
This phylosophy has resulted in our Son (my SS) knowing all of the facts of his Mom and BioDad's history and relationship. He has a copy of the Custody/Visitation/Support order and knows when BioDad or SpermGrandMa are playing games and are trying to manipulate/guilt him in to doing what they want him to do. Last summer he even listened to all of the court recordings from each of the Skid related court hearings.
Is is amazing how many times while listening to the tapes he said "that's a lie ..... Dad (The Sperm one) is lying" When he returned from last summer's visitation (5wks) he asked if his (BioDad) had ever been married. Our answer was "yes". He said that SpermGrandMa and BioDad had both told him over the summer that BioDad had never been married. We told him it is clearly documented on the court tape recordings. So we pulled the tapes out of the file cabinet and ..... he listened to every minute of the tapes and learned that once again both BioDad and SpermGrandMa were lying to him.
Apparently neither my SS nor his next youngest out-of-wedlock half sib have any respect for BioDad. The youngest two out-of-wedlock half sibs are too young to come to that conclusion ...... yet.
It is highly unlikely that any of his children will have any respect for him (or use for that matter) by the time they are grown. My SS has the facts and will gladly share them with his Sibs.
Facts are not good or bad. They are just facts. It is the behavior that generates the facts that are subject to judgement.
And in anyone's judgement ..... BioDad will be found severly wanting.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)