Confessions Of A Stepchild
I just thought you all might want to her something that might just shock you. I was a stepchild at one point in time in my life. For almost ten years. I have read your stories of the way that you have been treated by your SS's and SD's and I can honestly say that when I was in the same situation as they are now I out did them all with the crap that I would pull.
At the time my SM came into my life I was scared. Everything that was my foundation was gone. My mother left and never looked back. All I had was my father. And when SM came into the picture I wasn't going to let her take him. He was all I had. Now I know that this is not a rational way to think. That's not what was happening at all. But I was a child.
I made this ladies life a living hell. I did everyting I could to push her away. And what did she do. She just kept trying. The definition to insanity right? Wrong. Over the years things got better between us. Not to a point where I viewed her as a part of my family, but we were able to live together in peace.
When I was 11, I overheard my SM and my father fighting, and she asked him for a divorce. My father took my brother and I moved out. In fact moved to the other side of the state.
I cried the whole drive. Not just any cry. It's was a cry where you can actully feel your heart breaking. It's painful and has no sound because there is no sound that can articulate that emotion. My father had told her that she was never allowed to see us again because he's an
a!@hole like that.
My point to anybody who reads this is, you have no idea how much you make an impact on us. We may fight you the whole way, but I know I'm a better person because of her. I think about her on almost a daily basis and I haven't seen her in 18 years. It took loosing her to realize that I loved her with all my heart.
Don't give up on us. I know we're pains in the a!@. You're doing more than you know for us and we'll thank you for it eventually. Once we pull our heads out of our butts first of course.
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Maybe not all us will pull
Maybe not all us will pull our heads out of our butts. You might just be surprised how many of us will though. And for those of us that do, you will have gotten our unconditional love in return for all your hard work.
It may not seem like much, but how many people in your life can you actually say love you like that.
awe, this was a sweet
awe, this was a sweet encouragement to me. i thank you for that.
Thanks for sharing this - it
Thanks for sharing this - it makes a difference.
L
No problem. I just thought
No problem. I just thought that maybe some feedback from the other side might be interesting for you all.
We're not all evil little brats. Some of us will grow up to be functioning members of society with good values and morals becuase of you and all your effort. Where as if you weren't there, we wouldn't have a shot in hell.
I thank you all for all of your time, effort, and patients.
What a sweet post! I'm sorry
What a sweet post! I'm sorry about your SM I bet if you looked her up she'd love to hear from you. My husband always talks about how he wishes he knew what happened to his stepdad. He says that man was the only stable parent in his life.
I had a SF for a while that
I had a SF for a while that was wonderful to my sister and I. He took better care of us than our mother did. I guess I was about 8 when mom divorced him. He got himself an apartment and he set up the extra bedroom for us. No He was not a child molestor! We continued to go to his house EOW for prob a year and then mom got a new man and decided we could not go anymore. This caused us both alot of pain, bc we loved this man. If I recall correctly he had daughters of his own that were grown, or much older than us. I don't remember seeing them much at all.
About 10 years ago I saw him at our local flea market. He was with a woman. I waited until he was more or less alone and approached him. I saw the recognition, and I told him who I was to be sure he knew. He smiled but got this deer in the headlights look. About this time, what I assume was his wife walked up. He very briskly walked away from me with this woman close behind. I guess he had never mentioned us or his marriage to my mother to his current wife. That broke my heart, but what did I expect from him? I have no idea really. I imagine he had some explaining to do. As it was, he could act like I was some psycho person begging for money, and that must have been better than fessing the truth up to his hunny!!
I am also a StepDaughter. I
I am also a StepDaughter. I can say that I do look up to my StepMother as a Mother, even though I fight it still after 20 years. There are good things about our relationship. And I know it has been hard on her too. Our relationship has been horrible most of the time. She is still the best shopping pal I know though!
In my experience, I try to take what I have learned from my relationship with my stepmother, both good and bad, and apply that to my SD11. And I can tell you, it is why I KNOW the problems lie directly with her father, not her. I am now estranged from my father and it is because I don't want to be around her.
Your post is very sweet. I can also identify with how I know I impact my SKids, and I don't think it is bad, even thought they may not think so!
Good job for saying what is in your heart!
I am a step daughter twice
I am a step daughter twice over. I was raised by my BD. MY BM couldn't be bothered with raising a child so my dad took me when I was 1. He married my first SM when I was 4 and they divorced when I was 7. I was young but not to young to be devastated. She was the only mom I really had at that point in my life. He married my 2nd SM when I was 8. I felt that she had ruined and destroyed me life and my family and that she was the reason SM1 had to go away. Needless to say I did not want her. I was EVIL, ROTTEN, HATEFUL to her....a SKID that many on here (ST) speak of. I am so glad she didn't have access to the advice on this site. Maybe she would have disengaged? Maybe she would have left my dad? All I can do is be thankful that she didn't. She hung in there. She never gave up. She treated me like I was her daughter when I treated her like poo on my shoe. She never turned her back on me. She never gave up. She is my mom. She is my inspiration and she is the reason that I work as hard as I do now with my current SD's to ensure that I have the best relationship with them, there BM's and there father that I possibly can. Whenever I think its to hard, annoying, frustrating...I think of her and how I was to her....and sometimes I even call her just to tell her hi and I love her....and then I go back to what was making me feel negative...and almost always its just....ok.
I was as stepdaughter, too. I
I was as stepdaughter, too. I was really cruel to my stepmom.
The funny thing is, now we're really close. She was the best mom I ever had...the only one the ever really cared about me. When I have to do anything parental, I always think back to how she treated us kids, and how she would handle something. When I need advise, she's the one I ask. My BM was a waste of space then and she's a waste of space now. In fact when SM and Dad divorced, I wasn't living there, but I dumped him and kept her. He never deserved her anyway.
I really appreciate this post
I really appreciate this post and the comments by other sk's. I acted as mom to my ss22 and sd20 from the ages of 8 and 11 and I just disengaged about 2 months ago. SS is more of a tough love situation. I would talk to him if he would come to me, but when I decided to set some rules out about living here, he bailed and hasn't bothered to come back & doesn't even send so much as a txt to his dad/my dh to let him know he's alive. He has no sense of family at all. SD however... I did completely disengage from her because she told me that I never did anything for her but get her in trouble with her dad and take her to the doctor, she called me nasty names, and said many hurtful things. I disengaged for my own emotional well-being because I do love her and it's easier to not engage with her than it is to hear those hurtful things. If she would apologize for the hurtful things she said, all would be forgiven without issue. But she holds her loser mother in the highest esteem and is now showing signs that she will parent 6 month old sgs (step grandson) the same way her mother parented her... she doesn't take him to the doctor when he is sick, her apartment is a pigsty, and now I have reason to believe that she is or soon will be cheating on her fiance (the baby's dad who is busting his butt for her and their son). She complains about everything... she said one day that her cell phone service sucks (her dad/my dh) provides her phone for her. I told her she can go get her own service anytime she wants to. Well she can't afford it. So instead of being grateful that she even HAS a phone, she continues to complain and has even BLAMED her dad for the crappy service she thinks she gets. Like he OWES her something in the first place. Sigh.
I keep hoping that she will grow up and see everything I did for her, but with each incident that happens or every hurtful word, I lose a little more hope each time. I wish that I could be engaged, but she has the attitude that she is an adult and therefore she doesn't have to show ANYONE any respect or appreciation if she doesn't want to and she can say whatever she wants. And as I told her when I decided to disengage... you certainly can say and do whatever you want, but you will also deal with the ADULT consequences of losing the people you hurt. At this point, disengaging is the only way I know how to deal with it. If any of you have any advice to offer, I would LOVE to hear it.
I have a stepmother and a
I have a stepmother and a stepdad.
My stepmother was the "other woman." I didn't know that when I was little but I still hated her. Right after the divorce, Dad married her. I was polite to her because I had to be. However, she had no problem making sure I knee exactly what she thought of my mom. She hated my mom. She called her every name in the book (and always made sure I heard her).
I have a stepdad though, and he's awesome! I love having him in my life. He's been wonderful to Mom and me. He treats me as one of his own. He has 3 biokids and we all get along great. He came into my life when I was 11. It wasn't easy at first but he's one of my best friends. So are his kids.
TheWickedStepmom, I wouldn't
TheWickedStepmom,
I wouldn't say that I have any advise to offer other than my own personal experience. For me, it took growing up a little, actually a lot, in order for me to see things a little more clearly. I think it was probably the same for most of us. You know that, "you can tell me anything because I already know everything faze."
A simple example of what I'm talking about is the cost of things. When I was younger I never understood why I needed to shut lights off or not turn the heat up to 90 degrees becuase I was cold. Things just magically got paid for. Now I understand that money doesn't grow on trees. Life's expensive.
I know this seems completely off the topic, but my point is, when you're younger the world rotates around you. It's hard to fathom anything different. All you see is yourself and how things affect you. Eventually, most of realize that's not quite how it works. We see how things affect not only ourselves but others and we also look back at the way we were and how we treated people. Once you begin our own families things become even more clear as to our past actions towards the parental authorities in our lives.
It may take some time for most of us stepkids to come around. We don't see everything your doing for us until we get a little older. From what I can remember I wasn't to pleasant to my BD during that faze as well.
I'm not saying that it'll be that way with all of us with stepkids. But I can't be the only one.
This is all true! So true. I
This is all true! So true. I had a SM and SF for years. I do not speak to neither of them. I can see what my SD is doing and I know what she is going to do and say before she does it; and when she starts fights between us I know why. My DH doesn't think for a second that his little angel would do any of this stuff - and this is what is killing us. Being older now; like you; I can say and see what I did - and it was nasty stuff. I made my mother loose numerous boyfriends; simply because I could. I am not sure why we do this; maybe because we/I was aloud to do this.........It is sad if you think about it; because as a SM it breaks my heart. Last night when my SD13 spent all day out (actually all weekend)and I see her talk to other mothers and then she gets home and doesn't even bother with me until she wants my curling iron.........I actually cried while cooking dinner - asking myself if I really am that bad - my other three children enjoy me????
Thank you for this; it made me remember...........
I think the reason why we do
I think the reason why we do those things when we're younger is because we aren't seeing things the way they are, we're testing boundaries, and we're just little punks.
On the positive side, this is how we learn who we are and who we are not. Not through all the wonderful choices that we have made that worked out great. It's through our mistakes. Even if you repeat that mistake for a decade. I know I look back on how I treated my SM and feel ashamed for my actions towards her. I also know that I will never treat anybody that way, ever. Even the crazy ex I have to deal with.
Thanks for the
Thanks for the encouragement....you rock!
yes.i needed to hear
yes.i needed to hear that.thank u very much.!
I have a step dad and when my
I have a step dad and when my mom was really unhappy with him at one point and some people were talking bad about him it made me very angry and I told my mom that. I love him almost as much as I love my mom and I didn't show it growing up either but if they were to ever divorce (knock on wood) I would be heart broken even now as an adult.
OP, although I know that the
OP, although I know that the sentiment you intend in your post is meant to be enlightening, I too was having a hard time taking something encouraging away from it. :?
Maux - I completely agree with you. I also did and still do have a SF and I never thought negatively of him or was horrid towards him. I saw that he made my mother happy, so I was happy, and I wasn't going to do anything to be a little shit to mess that up for her.
This post is not about how
This post is not about how you guys treated your step parents. It's also not about how you should take a thank you for being treated like a door mat. I never treated my step mother that way. I just wanted her to leave because I was threatened by her. She never left due to my behavior. By that time we actually got along. She left because of my father and the person that he was.
My point was even though she is out of my life she has shaped me in so many positive ways. And sometimes it takes a little time to get into peoples harts. Example, my SM.
Children love unconditionally until somehing happens. Once that something happens, they put walls up to protect themselves. We do it as adults as well. It doesn't always have to continue like that though. With some kids, it just takes time.
I will never say that I hate the two little additions to my life. Not that they make it easy for me by any means. This post is about when things work out in the end. I may not see her anymore, but it doesn't change that fact that I appreciate her and love her still. I hear in so many posts how you all are treated. I just thought it would be nice to hear an adult step childs perspective when they reflect on the exact same thing that you're venting about.