Feeling absolutely stumped
Good evening everyone, to be honest I have no clue where to begin here- however I guess I could start with I feel as if I've reached a breaking point and need advice from others with more stepparent know-how on how to potentially navigate my situation. I have a biological child under one, who I'm trying my best to raise well and with good values, moral, and self-assurance. The issue I'm really facing currently is trying to handle my 6 year old stepchild- who has extreme behavioral issues and some form of undiagnosed mental disability. They have a deadbeat absentee bio mom who comes around as she pleases and only sees them four days a month or if she wants to parade them around a holiday. She heavily enables, spoils, and teaches poor and often age inappropriate behaviors. She shows up late for pickup and early for drop off and always changes her mind on times. This results in extreme difficulties getting my stepchild to wind down and get back into the routine and rules established in the house, even though she doesn't have her child much the impact she has on them is very strong. I often get berated by my stepchild when they're angry- often if I set boundaries or enforce the rules when they're misbehaving saying that they wish their mom came back and that she'd be my baby's mom instead or getting physical and hitting/scratching me and screaming they hate me or that I make them miserable. It's really disheartening because I'm trying my best to give a child that's not my own care, support, security and love but also boundaries and knowledge so they can navigate life easier as they age- especially with their behavior issues and potential disability. At times I also feel as if my spouse gets mad at me and that he isn't on my side when I try to vent about issues regarding behaviors of his first child or how the bio mom negatively affects them. Recently he called me mental and threw the bouncer across the room because I was trying to vent about the fact that the bio mom taught my stepchild the cunnilinctus hand gesture and that my stepchild told me their bio mom's brother blew bong smoke into their mouth. I think it's very suspicious and gives me great anxiety which I feel is valid but my spouse does not, he believes that she wouldn't do such a thing or bails her out constantly and raises his voice when I have anything to say concerning stepchild and their bio mom and seems to just point out my flaws when parenting his child instead of noting how much I've done like potty training a child well above the age they should be toilet trained, helping them speak, trying to teach coping mechanisms for anger- but it seems like all he sees are the moments I have a tone or lose my patience after chance after chance given to the stepchild to make better choices. Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore- people in the past have told me not to try so hard and to pick my battles but I don't want to be walked all over by a child who needs a steady support system even if they don't like me most of the time. Pardon if this is jumbled or reads awkwardly, I'm just so worn out and I don't know if I should just back down and have their father handle them when they're bad and just focus on my child or what but all in all I really don't want to fail my stepchild. I want to do right by them but I also don't want their poor behavior to rub off on my child. To those who took the time to read and respond thank you.
I know this wasn't your question, but how often does your SO
I know this wasn't your question, but how often does your SO throw things and call you names? Where was your baby when he threw the bouncer? Physical violence, even with objects, and verbal abuse are both signs of domestic violence. Do you work? If you have to, can you leave and support yourself and your child?
It sounds like your SO expects you to parent his child, but isn't happy with the way you are doing it. He needs to step up and parent his own child. You need to disengage from parenting the child, and especially from discipline. I know it is easy to blame everything on BM - but she has the kid 4 days a month - your SO should be parenting him the rest of the month.
Has you SO had SS evaluated for an mental issues? Is he in any kind of therapy.
You need to protect your child from your SS. Given the fact that he is showing signs about knowing about sexual things, there is a good chance he has been or is being sexually abused, which increases the chance that he will do something he shouldn't with your child. They should never be alone together.
It sounds like you are in a tough situation. Know that your SS is not your responsibility - he has two parents who are responsible for him. Also, you cannot care more than the parents, it will bring you nothing but heartache.
Yes, well said not sure how to deal
It sounds like you are doing a good job dealing.
This failed man is too much of an asshole and failure to be your
equity life partner. He is wound so tight that the next furniture he kicks/throws across the room may be at you.
He is gaslighting you, blaming you for his failure as a man, a mate, and as a father.
Find someone who is worth a shit rather than wasting your future on this POS, his toxic failed family spawn, and his manipulative Harpee of an XW.
Save yourself. Save your child. If your child is his, nail his ass to the wall for the better part of 20yrs of a shit ton of CS and keep your kid as far away from him/them as you can.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
He just gets irritable
He just gets irritable whenever I vent about his ex because he says he doesn't want to hear about her because he can't do anything about things I say since after years of him keeping records on the bad things she does and taking her to the court multiple times the system still allows her her 4 days plus holidays and that he had dealt with a lot of trauma during their relationship and that he doesn't know how to handle it when I vent about the bad things she does when she tskes their son for her time- since it scares him thinking about it too. I understand that it can be overwhelming or scary but I think I'm being normal by saying how messed up the stuff is and voicing concern. And honestly the 4 days she does have him do make a massive difference on behavior, it can destroy a ton of work I do and even work my spouse does trying to give him routine and behavior skills. For example- it was a massive struggle to keep my stepchild from pooping himself all the time because he wanted to or wouldn't go to the toilet but with hard work and determination he stopped but even just one night with her and he poops in his pants and is acting up. And when my spouse threw the bouncer I was holding my baby on the couch and he threw the bouncer to the side of himself away from us, saying that I cause him strain and then said that I was being mental. That was the only time he'd said something like that but it still made me upset because he's said he doesn't understand why I'm scared of his son sometimes because he's only 6 but he won't be 6 forever and could probably knock me out when he gets bigger. I could say one small thing and say I was done after and he would say yeah right so I'd get frustrated and try to defend myself and he doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes or believe it when I say I'm done venting. He said himself we all need therapy in this house but I feel like all of my stress and anxiety is caused by trying to do justice by his first born and have it all seem to go down the drain sometimes. (My child is his second born btw). And honestly I would never let my child be in the same room with his half brother alone ever because when he hit me last because I took away his tablet after he called me a fool after not listening to me he ended up scratching the baby's too. And I feel like he acts weird wanting to kiss the baby's head all the time because I don't think it's normal for someone his age. I do think stuff happens to him when he goes with his mom but I don't think he understands it wrong because when I tried asking him once if stuff was happening to him he said he wouldn't ever tell me. And lastly I've been a sahm for half a year but I've been trying to find work, but the thought of trying to juggle an at home job at the same time trying to take care of my baby or if the stepchild is home sick ever seems overwhelming and might be my only option because I can't afford childcare and the one person I'd trust is having health issues currently so it probably wouldn't be fair to ask them to babysit even if they offered.
First, you cannot care more
First, you cannot care more than the bio parents.
Second, what does your SO do about his child's poor behavior? doesn't it bother HIM? Why does he not care to get the child the help he needs. AND.. if the kid is talking about being exposed to drugs.. call CPS for goodness sake? just because you haven't been successful to date in stopping visitation.. you can have CPS investigate her each and every time these illegal activities occur.. perhaps at some point they WILL not allow him to be in her home.
And.. she only has him 4 days.. so why not get him into therapy? sounds like the kid could use some testing and analysys and help.
If he has a mental condition
He needs professional help. He needs to see someone with a M.D. after there name. He may need drugs . There nothing you can do if this child is actually having a mental disorder. You must disengage from the situation. Letting BF Taking the primary care giving role. He must either do it himself or hire a babysitter/care giver.
You must seriously start think , Is this the way I want to raise my child . Do you want to rob you child his/her childhood. Not going anywhere because of SK. Not veing able to do LEGO land, Santa workshop, DISNEY. because of SK actions
In my case the sick one was the youngest . So she didn't effect tge older ones. And had other people to control her. Mental disorders is nothing to take lightly, whevall feel that tomorrow something is going to snap in and everything will be all right. But it never happens. They don't take there meds. As they get older the medication effect there sexual feeling and function. Ratter have a SO, have sex with SO then take there medication. What drives away SO . Round and round you go.
This is getting long. But mental illness is hereditary, Your SO is going to figure this out. They are going to be guilty for doing this to there child. You are going to be mad for SO doing this.. especially if it's from BM. That he didn't see it. That BM is forever affecting your life. BM is giving you a life time of hospitals, drugs in your home,, lawyers when he gets in trouble with law.
Ir may be better to leave and take care of your bio child. BUT if tge illness is from SO. your child maybe affected
I get that your SO has been
I get that your SO has been through a lot with his ex and gets overwhelmed, a lot of us feel like that about toxic bms. But she is still very real and around so he needs to be able to talk with you, his overwhelmed partner, about what's going on with bm and his kid, who is also being overwhelmed by the situation. If he can't handle that he needs therapy. He has 2 kids and a wife who need him to be present. Trauma or not that's reality and avoiding it only causes new trauma to the next generation. You are a parent, so you know how you feel sometimes has to come second to doing what your child needs. It's possible he feels like he's being blamed and that's why he gets defensive, even if that's not what you're doing. Creating some structure and rules for difficult conversations can be a way to help you both feel safe to express yourself and talk about emotional things.
One thing that helped my family was having designated times to discuss upsetting things, like bm. We chose a calm time we could sit down together once a week and discuss what problems were happening in our family and what we thought we should do. We also set a time limit and planned something pleasant to do afterwards so we didn't get stuck in a negative mood and spiral. We did this regularly. If something got too emotional then we would table it for the moment and take a few minutes to breath. Then we would each write out in a sentence or two what we feel the problem is and exchange notes. Sometimes we realized we weren't seeing the same problem. If we needed more help then we'd write out in a sentence or two how we felt with an "i" statement. Like "the problem is we work hard to get SS to use the bathroom properly for two weeks and then one night at his mom's undoes the training. We can't change her so I think we need a better coping plan at home." - clarifying the issue and what you are looking for. Then how you feel about the problem and what you need "I feel alone and frustrated dealing with this. I need to know we're a team." - sometimes the answer may be that neither of you know what to do about a problem- and that's ok. But you need to look each other in the face and say it. If you're lost or overwhelmed at least you'll know your together in it. Then you can look for guidance together.
This way our conversations had intent and felt safe. it wasn't dh coming home stressed from work and then hearing me vent and feeling blamed. Or him getting overwhelmed and shutting me out and me feeling rejected. Be clear about the intent of the conversation, to attack the problem and not each other. And realize sometimes it will be a "how do we cope with this" rather than a "how do we fix/solve this" kind of issue. Hope this gives you some helpful ideas