Sometimes I wish I would have... I think I'm with the above, if I had totally disengaged, shown SD my spectacular grey rock side to my personality, and written off any positive relationship with her a lot earlier, I probably would have been much happier with this stepmother situation a lot sooner. 

Probably not.  I am happy now with my DH, but for many years (10+) there were horrendous problems with NPD BM and the SDs - it really ruined my life for a decade.  I was disengaged the entire time.   The one thing I would maybe change was being a bit more assertive and not just taking and taking and taking it when the SDs treated me like sh1t.   But I had just come out of a 24 yr long marriage where my exH was emotionally abusive, and I was completely worn down and vulnerable. 

No. I wouldn't have ever picked a different partner than my DH. I wish I would have opened my heart to him sooner. We were introduced before I had even escaped my 2nd husband. DH was so sweet. We went on a couple of dates after I left exH. My head was so jacked up and he had so much going on, it was all too much. It took 2 years for us to circle back around and meet again- of course he never left after that. 

I wish I would have been able to push all of my issues down long enough to tell him to stop. File for abandonment. Get his kid back in the state. Kick her off your checking account. She isn't going to play nice like she says she is. They never do. He would have done it. I know my DH. He just needed to feel like he wasn't alone. He was grasping at straws to stay in his son's life and felt that since he had no support here he couldn't do it on his own. 

I wish I would have let him support me more as well. 

Things played out like they did though, and I am just happy that we were able to get together in the end. 

My answer is "maybe", and I say the same thing about my first marriage, which didn't involve kids at all but was a total dumpster fire.

With this marriage with DH, I don't know that that I wouldn't get involved, but I do wish I would have done things differently. I was young and naive when I started dating him, and still broken from my failed marriage. I didn't have any business getting involved with someone who had baby mama drama, as the youth used to say. But, it has worked out pretty well, and I have grown a lot since then, probably in ways that I wouldn't have had I gone with the easy-on-paper option.

With my failed marriage, I think I could have learned the lessons I needed to learn and not gotten married. I knew before marrying him that it was a mistake, and getting married only put me specifically into more debt, and broke my spirit, and exposed me to even more toxicity and abuse than I needed (and turned me into a toxic and abusive person as I tried to survive). Marriage made things worse for me in my failed marriage.

For me, my whole family is a weave of divorce and remarriage, half and step. Dating someone with kids didn't seem like that big of a deal, and to a certain extent, that's not the part that usually bothers me. I wish my DH didn't have such a worthless POS XW, and I wish he had boundaries of steel, but I also know my flaws don't make me a golden goddess deserving of Grade-A Man Meat, either. I'm happy with my life with DH, and I love my DH, so I wouldn't trade him in, but I would make some decisions very differently.

Point is, once you learn the lesson a bad relationship has taught you, drop the relationship and learn from it. Then, don't make that mistake again. If that means never dating someone with kids again, so be it. That's not my "bad relationship", so if something happened to my DH, I wouldn't disqualify someone from that. I know better what to look out for and how to handle it, but it wouldn't disqualify them.

But if some overweight shrew of a man, wearing a fedora with noticeable neckbeard and a love of expensive things he can't afford introduces himself to me in German, I'm going to run as far and as fast away from that ish as I can because there isn't any good that will come from that for me.

I would have chose much differently.

I would not have allowed the guilty daddy crap..in the beginning. That very first time he was too uncomfortable to hug (or kiss) me good bye in front of his kids...I should have packed my bags as that was my first very large red flag.

that first time his phone rang and it was BM and he stopped what we were doing to answer....I should have packed my bags.

even though those things are long gone....it has shaped how I feel about him. 
 

Those small ish things still linger in other ways because I didn't put my foot down from go. 

I would have still married my DH.  He was my best friend.  I have known him for over half my life.  The one thing I would have changed is that I would not have pushed him to file for full custody.  I thought we would be giving the SDs a better life and that someday they'd thank us.  That did not happen.  When we gained full custody, BM upped her PAS.  It cost my DH his relationship with SD16.  After years of fighting, he has no relationship with her.  SD14 lived with us full time for over 6 years.  She never allowed herself to be happy.  BM played the guilt card and made it clear that SD couldn't love us all equally.  When BM took us back to court a few months ago, the judge ruled that SD14 could live with her full time after this school year.  She just left us a few weeks ago.  She wasn't even sad to go, even though it really hurt her step and half siblings. She has already started to ignore communications from DH.

I feel like I have wasted years of my life and thousands of dollars for nothing.  Neither of the SDs act like they give a crap about my DH. It is sad because he is a good dad.  Our 2 bios just adore him.  I really do regret dealing with 6 years of BM's crap for nothing.  And of course, my DH is now reliving the pain of losing a kid all over again.

It is a really hard truth for me, but yes if I would have known what a toxic stew I was entering I would have chosen differently.  If I would have understood the weakness of my husband and his lack of boundaries I likely would have broken off the relationship early. 

It makes me really sad to see this because DH has brought so much joy to my life.  I was really blissfully happy with him for a few years.  However; when things blew up and got bad they got really bad.  I've suffered more than a person should.  I'm at the point right now that I question every day if were going to make it.  It would require lots of change from my husband and I'm not feeling very confident he will.  It's really sad and it's tearing me up inside.

Step-related stuff: I would still pick SO. He has always treated me with respect with regards to step-related issues, is a good parent and keeps BM at a distance (I've never met her nor have dealt with any issues pertaining to her).

Other stuff: I don't know. As some of you are aware, we are going through a lot right now. The first years of our relationship were great then he changed into someone else. We've had our "big fight" recently (do or die) and he seems to have heard me and is acting more like his old self. I think I'll have to answer this question again in six months. 

I would still choose my DH. The only thing I would have done differently is go in disengaged.

I feel like it still remains to be seen, if this life is worth it. SO is definitely the best partner I could ask for. I never anticipated how difficult things would become once we cohabited. Mostly due to BM and PAS which then completley changed OSD into a person none of us recognized.  If anything I would probably have waited longer before living together.  As of right now I have definitely put the brakes on. I have no plans of combining our incomes or getting married until after SKs are adults. I have disengaged completely from OSD and to be honest she has not been staying with us the last month and I would prefer it stay that way. 

The difference when she is not here reminds me of why I chose SO. We laugh, do things together,  there is no arguing or fighting between us or the other children.  It is so hard to imagine that one person can disrupt an entire household and everyone in it. Just before she left SO was miserable,  tense,  overreacting to everything the other children did. I was withdrawn, anxious and dreaded being in my own home, because you just sit and wait. Asking yourself, what is she going to do next that will cause an uproar. 

I suppose my answer is it depends on SO and how he is going to handle the situation with BM and OSD. So far, he is doing good setting boundaries and he has been open to learning from the counselor and taking his advice. 

I would have married DH - but I would have pushed him to spend far, far less time fighting in court with BM. 

I wouldn't change a thing.  It has been hard at times but not just for me but DH and the boys.  I chose to spend my life with DH and I am happy with him.  It takes work from both of us and we feel we are worth it. 

I think I would have spent more time with DH - likely with a counselor - working out shared expectations and shared understandings. 

I would also have built a better understanding of the challenges created by the dysfunctions in DH's own family. 

Ultimately, I love DH and we have a great relationship, if we subtract all the SKid drama, so I don't know if I'd totally trade that. Also, without BM, we would likely have a good relationship with Skids, but she's such a bully and has outsize influence in our life due to DH's "family of origin" dysfunction. 

That said, there are some days when I feel like I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and it becomes really difficult. 

I will also add that DH and I did see a counselor before we got married -  after we got engaged, BM went on a rampage (she was remarried, so the fact that she lost her mind, should have been a sign to DH's family that she is not normal, but it wasn't) and I felt pretty threatened, so we found a counselor. The counselor told me, "you might want to think about whether you truly want to marry DH, because *her* behavior is not going to get better, it's only going to get worse." When you think about it, it's really terrible that some women can totally ruin the lives of men who were dumb enough to marry them. DH always told me, "I deserve to be happy" and that he was willing to fight for our relationship. He has stepped up to create more boundaries, but there is still work to do. 

If I could go back in time I would have not married DH.  I'm waffling on if I could have just dated him and lived separately.  I don't care for his family dynamics and his life choices he made from the time he dumped me 25 years ago up to when we got back together a few years ago.  Ive got some degree of trauma or PTSD from his psychotic son.  Having to personally know a personality disordered munchausen child abuser (BM) that fools everyone and is allowed to mooch off every taxpayer and soft hearted person makes my skin crawl.

I wish I moved forward with doing IUI with a sperm donor to have my child so I don't have to explain to my lil girl someday that she has half siblings out there that are not safe people and are abusive and have twisted minds.

Dh's uncle told me I have to find happiness in this situation.  I think I've gone down the path of resentment and not having respect for DH that its too late to turnaround.