Same Story, Different Decade
For OG members looking for context, I used to be here almost 10 years ago as Rutherford.
I wish I could say things have continued to go well since I was last here. I can't.
Starry, who is almost 28 is now married with two kids of her own. The grandkids are the bright spot in my life right now. I naively thought that when skids aged out that the pain of being a stepmom would subside.
It doesn't. In fact, the only time she ever calls or texts me is when she needs a babysitter.
The tension is still present, especially since Starry continues to hold DH and me hostage with the past. If we don't spend enough time with her kids (which means we are not available 24/7 to babysit for them for free), then we are "not making an effort to know her children."
This is beyond ridiculous. For a year-and-a-half, I watched her oldest two days a week for eight hours or longer while Starry28 and her husband were at work. It got to be too much when Starry had her second child. The teething stage was awful, and DH and I could not console this poor child for anything. She constantly cried and did this for hours on end.
We asked Starry if we could cut back to one day a week with the kids. She then hired a permanent babysitter and began putting passive aggressive posts on Facebook about family members who do not want to know her children.
This is what happens every time we set boundaries with her. Last summer, she went off on DH, claiming that her daughter "doesn't even know you."
Really? Is that why her face lit up with a bright smile every time we went to their house?
I'm tired of the manipulative games Starry has played with us for 20 years. There are days I have considered filing for divorce just to get away from the drama. I love DH. My frustration has nothing to do with him. During the past five years, he has grown pretty upset with his daughter and doesn't enjoy being around her.
Now he finally understands how I have felt for two decades.
This past Christmas, Starry got DH a gift certificate to a local bicycle shop (that's kind of his thing now). I never got anything. When DH confronted her about it months later, she said she had a restaurant gift card she forgot to give me.
I still have not received anything.
It's such bullsh*t because I am the one who goes out of the way to get special gifts for everyone. It really hurt to be blown off like this.
A lot of her behavior stems from what I think is a mental health issue. Luciferette (her mother) was diagnosed as bipolar. DH's mom shows signs of having bipolar disorder. And because of genetics, this could have easily been passed down to Starry, who has admitted that she thinks she is also bipolar.
So, I try to be understanding. But my patience only goes so far. I still hate being a stepmom and probably always will.
- used2beRutherford's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
More Context
I also have blogs here under NeedaFunDay
Read one of your last blogs
Read one of your last blogs, from 2017, and I had actually commented! I Blog a little less frequently these days. SD25 Feral Forger (used to be Winona) and I are no contact after her last DramaRama, where she called me a wh@re. I blogged about it. It was because she needed phone bill money and degenerated to "You abandoned me for your wh@re of a wife"... because he didnt have the $$$ for her that minute. Then she went on the family text thread and accused him of "not being a dad...who abused her as a child" (WTF?) Because he was not on it, he didnt see it, and I had her blocked. PPS went on it and told her to stop with her lies...so that was fun...
SD17almost18 in 1 week Princess Powersulk (used to be Munchkin) is fine with me (for now). She did threaten to call the police on me once. And she sicked Toxic Troll BM on me once. Ive largely been disengaged. I will hopefully attend her graduation and pop some corn for after when Husband has claimed that he will be able to make her get her drivers license and a job...
Neither currently have their drivers license (around here = essential) and we even had a car ready for Feral Forger!
Husband has failed to parent and now he just throws up his hands.
Sounds like yours did the same?
Im sorry you are continuing to be treated as less than. And using the grands as her emotional terrorism hostages is low.
Welcome back!
Thanks! So sorry you're still
Thanks! So sorry you're still dealing with the mess. It sucks.
Starry has not only burned babysitting bidges with us, but with her aunt and cousins too, who she was constantly taking advantage of. They avoid her calls now.
Welcome back, Rutherford! I'm
Welcome back, Rutherford! I'm sorry to hear steplife isn't going well for you. Starry sounds like a Class A beeyotch who is playing the I'm Bipolar card to excuse her beeyotchiness. At least your DH is seeing the light. I hope you don't for one minute believe that it's about you. Starry would have been crappy to anyone her dad married. If he'd gotten a pet, I'm sure she'd have kicked it.
What are you doing for your mental health? {{hugs}}
I was in therapy but for
I was in therapy but for other issues besides StepHell. Now, I can't afford to go. Plus, the therapist I was seeing retired, and I'm not sure I want to start over with someone new. I have difficulty trusting others, so going to Gail was a big step. I miss her.
I started going to the gym again. Maybe that will help.
I hear you. My therapist also
I hear you. My therapist also retired and I was never able to find another who was a good "fit". I've considered looking online, but... money.
Exercise is good! https://alphayomega.us/the-top-5-exercises-to-beat-depression/?gad_sourc...
My friend is going through a
My friend is going through a similar situation except it’s with her own bio kids. Two of them have children and they started dumping their kids on her all the time. They found out she could telework, so they began showing up while she was working to dump them. Then they began dropping them off on the weekends because they “needed a break” after a long work week. My friend was basically raising her four grandbabies and her kids couldn’t understand why she was frustrated and upset and getting sick all the time. My friend finally put her foot down and began only taking the kids one weekend a month and only occasionally after work. That’s when her kids began pulling the grands away and claiming it’s because they have trauma issues related to their past and growing up and need time away from her and to sort these issues out and for her to not question them or bother them, but they still have no problem asking her to babysit and take the kids on weekends, or to pay for stuff or to host things at her house because she has a large home. My friend told me she has decided to take a break from her kids and let them figure things out for themselves since they need this precious time to “heal from their said trauma”. It’s funny once you stop being a doormat to people then you become a problem.
Exactly! Things with all of
Exactly! Things with all of us were good for several years. Then all of the sudden Starry starts bringing up past stuff again. DH and I have owned up to our mistakes with her. But this girl cannot own her sh*t. It's all our fault, apparently. She told me a while back that she wanted a bonus mom and I wasn't there for her.
Revisionist history at its finest. Her actions during the past two decades have told me she NEVER wanted that. Are you kidding me? Go ahead and make it my fault, Starry. I no longer give a sh*t.
We raised my DH's Spawn and
We raised my DH's Spawn and she let me know I was not her mother and never would be. DH and Spawn are estranged and the last time they met to talk Spawn threw out how she is a great SM and treats her skids just like her own, and how I never treated her like a daughter and made sure she knew I wasn't her mother...revisionist history at its finest!
Wow. Treats them like her own
Wow. Treats them like her own, eh? Good luck to her selling that bridge.
Going to need all the luck in the world
and then some trying to Sell that exact bridge. These skids tend to have no issue using anything they can for some kind of bargaining chips even if they have to pawn their own kids and then drag in the fake Stepchildren in which they allegedly have this idyllic existence with. BS
There are far more
There are far more communities of delusonal SParents who will filet a reality based SParent for stating the factual situation than there are communities like ours where reality is the core of the topics of discussion.
It is easy for the fantasy fee fee focused next serial partner of the failed former family progenators to dive in and drink the Kool-Aid of sparental martyrdom to the new mates former family and the far more likely than not ill behaved products of that failed coupling.
Of course, there are alwasy exceptions and somewhere there is someone who actually has the unicorn of SParent experiences. I am ... one of those who rides the Unicorn SParent experience and have for nearly 30 years.
But even with my Unicorn experience, "those" communities are brutal when anything other than the Sainted status of failed family spawn is mentioned.
I swear
I swear most of these Skids are so well versed in Revisionist History since they are the masters of it. Mine also likes to play up the Biploar card too just like BM.
She also literally played her StepMom of the Year card with me too. Saying she loves and treats her stepkids like her own, which I Know is Bullshit because she can barely handle her own 2 children. PLUS, she is referring to her boyfriends kids so they arent legally her stepchildren at this time. This is the same guy she has proclaimed she hates and cant stand, so she wants me to believe it a real Brady Bunch situation complete with sunshine and rainbows. I know she was bluffing and just throwing in her defacto stepkids" to try to make me feel guilty. Didnt work.
So, I recently had what was about the same exchange you had with my toxic SD29 years old. Nothing new, since she has pitched a fit with me whenever I set a boundary with her that has been much needed. Predictably, this resulted in her sceaming at me through text saying its not fair that "she can;t have her Stepmom" and that I never accepted her" How I pushed HER and her kids away ( i had asked she not bring anyone else into this) As if she didnt have a diffficult time accepting that her Daddyyyy was never going to leave me which she admited at the start if this convo. As if it was never her behavior that led me to disengaging.
She also knows very welll that its not true that I never accepted her. I never would have bothered to attempt a relationship with her and do the best I could if I really didnt care. I dont have any bio kids so I tried despte the fact that I was winging it the whole time with a 13 year old at that time.
So, i have reached the pointt where you are at. That I no longer have the energy to defend or prove myself to her because I am fine with her making me the villian and the problem all she wants. If that means she leaves me alone, then I am all for it
Never defend yourself. It is
Never defend yourself. It is not neccessary. It is far better to attack, attack, attack the toxic than it is to try to defend against it.
As the addage goes, the best defense is a good offense.
When she tries to back you/guilt you into defending yourself, go directly to a point by point detail review of her behavioral crap. All it it, don't stop until she hangs up or... collapses in sobs and professes her pronounced regrets. Even then, never trust her. Tigers do not change their spots so to speak. They will always be a sneeky ambush predator. Never forget who and what she is. She has told you who she is, repeatedly demonstrated who she is, believe her.
I would have pushed back
I would have pushed back against this comment 10 years ago. But now I've come to the sad conclusion that every word of this is true. I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
I admit that
I would have done the same once upon a time. This time around, I didnt let her thoughtless, ridiculous comments bait me into groveling and letting her maniplulation tactics send me down this guilt and shame spiral since I still felt I had to convince her she was wrong about me. But no longer interested in doing that any more. The fact that we No longer feel the need and their BS doesnt have that same effect they were looking for has to be some sign that we are healing.
Remember, she knows the truth
Remember, she knows the truth and you don't have to waste your time with her revised versions. And until she gets her own tv show starring her blended family, you don't have to watch her try to spin crap into gold.
I've found that "are you done or do you need more time to rewrite history" works well, although if she's one to blow her top she might need just the silent look and small smile of pity when she spews.
Welcome back. This place is
Welcome back. This place is always here, stephell never goes away. You will never please Starry. Bipolar is a major challenge and highly genetic. Boundaries are your friend.
Welcome back! I'm sorry that
Welcome back! I'm sorry that things are still shitty for you.
There was recently a post from a BM asking us what she should tell the grand kids because bio grandpa/dad passed and SM/SGM took off and didn't want to be contacted. The BM swore that they all treated her well but from the description it sounded like it was all a big happy (not!) family with the BM still hanging around and attending all family gatherings. I could totally relate to the SM who took off. My SD34, the mini-wife on steroids, has a bio now and after seeing that blog, I have been planning my future should my DH pass before I do. I would relocate and only DD24 would know where I am. Everyday I fantasize over the peace I would have when I can walk away and never see my SD or her kid ever again. SS32 and SDIL29 are so distant from the family because of the dynamics resulting from eau de SD, that I'm already used to not seeing him or SDIL very often, so there wouldn't really be a loss there.
It's so true that the bullshit continues.
I am mentally preparing
I am mentally preparing myself for the fact that I will die alone without any family if DH dies before I do. Which he probably will. He's 50, and I'm 43. Odds say I will most likely outlive him.
I have no BKs. I do have a
I have no BKs. I do have a son, my former SS who asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. My DW is 12yrs younger than I am. So alone is not something I worry much about at the point of my demise.
That said, I do not think anyone ends life alone. Love is what ensures that. IMHO. Love does not end as those we love preceed us in death.
I know, it is not a particularly logical perspective, but, I know this to be comforting to me. I lost my youngest brother when I was 9yo. Grand parents and friends. As anyone of a certain age has. I'm 60 btw. Just barely, but, old enough to have lost loved ones in my life. My brother will be there when it is my time. Even if everyone else I care about has preceeded me. These who go before me will be there too.
It works for me. Find what works for you to find comfort.
You are over 21. And a adult
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. SD will never change, she will continue to disrespect you. Forgot gift card was disrespectful. You should lose her number, no free babysitting. Who cares who she complains too.
DH and I have set some major
DH and I have set some major boundaries with the whole babysitting issue. We've agreed to hang with them a couple times a month... when WE want to. We ASK to watch the kids. We don't typically do this on the parents' terms. And any last minute "can you watch the kids" are always answered with NO. We have told them not to ask us last minute.
Of course, Starry and Preach continue to do so.
Good for you and DH.
Good for you and DH.
DW and I never once asked my parents to watch the kid (my SS). Not once in a decade+ that we lived near them. My brother and his wife would dump their 3 off on mom and dad regularly. As soon as my niece and nephews would arrive at mom's and dad's, mom would blow up our phone to drop SS off. We often did. But we never just did it or asked if we could.
Mom demanded, and she who must be obeyed is always... obeyed.