Vernie - I think a lot of it depends on approach. And not just approach towards the skids, but the approach you use with your husband.

First, I think it's important to note that when your husband "lets" you or "expects" you to do everything around the house (cooking, cleaning, etc), I think it's generally due to what most men expect when they get married and have children. Meaning, it's not YOU he's taking advantage of, and I suspect he would expect the same things from you if you had children together.

Bringing us to the actual parenting part. I personally feel that many of these men DO feel a lot of guilt about their divorce and its effect on their children. Having said that, I do NOT think that all of their defensiveness is due to "guilt parenting". I think, to some extent, they feel protective of their children.

But more importantly, I feel that when we parent, we sometimes bring out or bring attention to, what our husbands and/or their ex wives are not doing. Meaning, by our parenting, we could be making our husband feel bad about himself. The question doesn't really come up in first marriages, or marriages where children are from both parents, because it is expected.

But when an "outsider" (sorry to use the term, but I don't know another way to express it) brings different parenting ideas to the table, I think it can be perceived as we are telling them how to do things, and what they did wrong or aren't doing right, etc.

Which is why approach with your husband is just as important as how you talk to the skids. Get him on your side, help him make the decision on what you think parenting should be, and you guys are working together... not you parenting OR him parenting.

Does this make sense?

And Steperg... my SD will never call me a bytch because if she does I will call her a snotty spoiled bytch right back and not think twice about it. Parenting can be a separate issue from teaching a child - any child - to show respect and the consequences of their actions. You shouldn't have to take that. And if my husband decided to threaten me with divorce, because I didn't let his daughter disrespect me, then that's a problem between me and him - and it's not all caused by SD. Do you understand? She's manipulating her father and he's manipulating you. I don't know why your husband acts the way he does, but so far, he does not sound as if he is supportive of you - your cancer and other issues.

well you are absolutely correct!!! i am in the same position but i stand my ground and make it clear that nothing less will be acceptable that my input and voice matters as long as i have to do a parent's job. if my voice doesn't matter than he can do it ALL w/out my help! and i have gone as far as to say that if i hold such lil value i will pay a 1/4 of all bills rather than a 50/50 deal! as far as stooping to the level of a child of name calling; don't EVER do so!!! if they have a problem holding their disrespect and using foul language and not being mad (which is expected and rightfully so) than they need to be disaplined by both of you! you should not have to wait for someone else to step in or come home. calmly and quietly talk to them and tell them it's not acceptable!!! stand your ground!!! be better than their behavior; show them the right way to be angry w/ respect. you won't get immediate response that's correct but eventually!! but ABSOLUTELY put your foot down w/ hubby!!!! good luck and hang in there

Because we allow things like this to happen. We are thanked at the begining for how "nice" we are to these kids, but as soon as we want to have a say in their punishments, schedule that impacts us, etc...we are told to mind our own business. We then think that if we continue to do for these kids, eventually they will see we want the best for them and not take our complaints as hateful, but rather as trying to help and caring. They on the other hand think that they can do as they please and you'll continue to do for them.

This happened years ago to me...after two months I stopped doing anything for his daughter. On a Saturday I would let DH sleep in and I would make her breakfast...I then started to wake up DH...when he complained I simply told him "sorry, but she's not my child. If I were not here, you would either have to wake up or if you worked late, you would not be able to see her. In addition, the less I have to do, the less I will complain to you and since I am not to talk about punishments, then I also don't need to do anything a "mother" would do.

He complained a few months, but got over it.

I really really appreciate what you have to say, Stick! I am working through all this right now-- and realize that so much of it is in my approach to FH. I for sure do NOT agree with all of his parenting- I have tremendous respect for him as a parent, but DO NOT agree with all he has done/does. He hears my ideas (perhaps, too often in the form of critique) then as not only criticism of his son (and yes- the issue of protectiveness I think is huge), but also as a criticism of him and something that he has invested a great deal of his life in.
The approach is something that I know I can work on- without compromising myself, the kind of household I want to live in, my identity, etc. And I hope (trust) that through a different approach FH and I can become parents together, rather than him parenting with me weighing in, demanding something different, etc. And, as importantly, I have come to realize that if I just let go of some things- as long as they don't effect my quality of life and my relationship with FH- things will be easier. SS is not my child. I do many "parenting" things for him, but ultimately the decisions made about his life are made by FH and BM, which I need to also get okay with. I think, actually, that once I get okay with this I will feel release, relief, and not so much pressure.