Question? would it be wrong?
Would It be wrong to tell my SS's " I am not your mother or your maid and I will not be used, if you want to teat some one like shit, go find someone else or go crying to your BM" It seems cruel but I feel like it needs to be said. what do you think?
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I see nothing wrong with it
I see nothing wrong with it as long as you aren't nasty about it. They need to be told that you don't expect to replace their mother but you expect to be treated with respect in your home. Ideally you DH would do this for you.
I agree. This may work
I agree. This may work better for you if your DH says it.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Ummm.. my mom said to me
Ummm.. my mom said to me MANY times, I am not your maid, your chef or your chauffer..
I dont see a thing wrong with it.
Go for it. I have said it
Go for it. I have said it countless times. A year later and I still need to say it. One time will not be enough.
So far engaging and arguing
So far engaging and arguing with these boys has done nothing for your situation so I do not see how this statement will somehow be profound and change your situation. It will simply help you momentarily vent and continue the negativity. You seem as invested in feeding that cycle as they are. Unwilling to disengage and be the person that stops the treadmill you are all on.
I'd have to agree with
I'd have to agree with Kidsaplenty.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
How do I disengage! I live
How do I disengage! I live with these brats and they influence my children! What do I do? I am desprete for some change!
I have my own Biochildren
I have my own Biochildren and my Daughter has noticed that SD doesn't get in trouble like the rest of the children in the home do. I think SD has noticed it as well and has played this to her advantage. I wrote a blog about this, and one of the responses I thought was pretty good is as follows.....
-------------> Submitted by Sara_Smile22 on Fri, 12/18/2009 - 12:11pm.
I do explain to my children that SD 17 is getting special treatment, I validate those feelings for them. I think the most important thing is that just because DH is in denial about his own behavior and minimizing the impact doesn't mean the rest of us should play along. Now...funny turn of events on that is SD complained we were 'talking about her' so anytime you threaten to burst the bubble you are the bad guy, but it's a two way street in my opinion. Also, I think the 'team' mentality, them against us, createst these silos in communication...so his kids go to him about their complaints and wants and vice versa...and it reinforces the split and enables the fantasy world to continue on. Instead, say it out loud...'yes BD, your stepsister doesn't get in trouble like you do, but she should because she is wrong for doing ABC....' you get what I mean. In private, I also tell my children that since SD is not my biological daughter, her behavior is not my responsibility but her parents. They do get that...It affects their relationship with my DH (they clearly see the favoritism), but that is healthy...that the consequence is appropriately placed. He should reap the consequences...it's unfortunate that he will be having less of a relationship with my kids because of it, but they do have a Dad so they don't need a replacement. He can just be the stepdad who plays favorites with his own kid....his choice.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
There are essays and people
There are essays and people on here who can advise you better then I but there are some common sense things you can start doing right now based on things you have shared. You say when you enforce rules they go off and you spoke about things like getting after them for sleeping on a couch or blanket on the floor or something. Stop that right now! When it comes to things like chores/homework and the like you do not enforce, your dh does. There are blankets on the couch? Walk past them or shove them to the side quietly not to make a point. When your dh gets home HE deals with it. It will be up to him to have consequences when they do not follow the rules, including being cordial toward his partner/wife. He also will get further when there are rewards when they do (especially since there are 2 kids and he can bring one along by recognizing when the other is doing things right). You have mentioned the uproar happens when you are doing these kinds of things and there is so much of that you can just take yourself out of.
You can disengage by
You can disengage by refusing to do anything for them. You don't do their laundry, cook their meals, clean up after them, drive them places, etc. That's DH's job - they're his kids. If they come to you asking for something, you tell them, "That's not up to me, ask your father." If he's not home, oh well, they have to wait for him.
You are not responsible for these kids. That also means you have no influence on the type of people they are becoming. Take all the responsibility off yourself and place it squarely on DH's shoulders, where it belongs.
It doesn't sound like your
It doesn't sound like your DH is willing to step up and do what is necessary with these boys and that is your biggest problem. You and DH need to sit down and agree to some house rules and clear consequences for breaking them. WRITE THEM DOWN for all to see. Then disengage and have DH enforce the rules.
Of course you can tell them you won't be their maid or their doormat. The best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is decide what behaviours you will and will not tolerate in your home. Set your boundaries and have DH enforce them. DH needs to stand up and tell his kids that they are to treat you with civility and respect. Then, you disengage and let him parent his kids.
I get the sense that you're feeling like this is all your responsibility and that you're expected to do the bulk of the parenting. Is there any good reason why DH isn't doing what he should be doing? No wonder you're at your wits end!