WHAT THE...
I honestly have no idea what the fu*k should I say
SDs were here today,as the rest of BFs family. They have a tradition to get together at 1st of January which is ok since it is a holiday. BUT...this was terrible.
His family celebrates Christmas at BF's mother's house..And we're going there,of course.
But..so is BM! Yes,thats right. BM!
As his mother was inviting us all, she turned to SDs and told them to tell BM to come 6th january evening, to help with the preparations at night.. That's what the son's wife/gf should be doing by tradition - but it's not gonna be me, it's gonna be BM. I'm invited to come in the morning.
Btw, before, when they were married, BF and BM would both go there at night,so she can prepare food and everything with his mother.. But now she's coming without him there.
Oh also - BF asked his mother about this,and she said "BM is a great woman, and she should be there. She is family, she's not just the mother of my grandchildren that I adore,but she's also a great person, and I want to share this important holiday with her. You lived with her, she's the mother of your children,she causes no problems and I see no reason that she wouldnt be there for. Or why would it bother you."
All of BF's family absolutely adores BM and think of her as a great woman.
And I'm pissed.
I don't want to be there for those reasons : they love bm, bm will be there.
But I want to spend Christmas with BF ...and his family. kind of.
He also asked SDs if they want anything for Christmas,they refused and offered to buy us gifts, they said no, but they said they'll buy us something. So Bf is buying them something too. He's still thinking about what.
Just to add, we celebrate Christmas on 7th January,if this maybe confused you:)
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Comments
God what a nightmare! That is
God what a nightmare! That is SO unfair to you and I know how your feel because I have similar problems but its BM's family with my DH, always inviting him over to every friccking family party, holiday, sunday brunch, whatever. He as finally spoken to BM and her mom about it and said, listen, I am getting married and my fiance doesnt feel comfortable with me always coming over, put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel? They havent really backed off much, slight difference and I am still dealing with it, but in my personal opinion, your boyfriend ABSOLUTELY has the right to tell his mom not to invite that bitch. My Mom and Dad would NEVER question me if I told them not to invite an ex or anyone else for that matter to a family party, granted I dont have kids but I dont think it makes any difference.
He told her not to invite
He told her not to invite her,but she did with the explanation I posted
I am soo nervous. And angry.
And actually kinda hurt.
Yikes. What does your bf say?
Yikes. What does your bf say? If he doesn't put up boundaries quickly, its serious red flags.
He doesn't want her to be
He doesn't want her to be there,he asked his mom about why did she invite her and told her that he doesn't want BM to be invited but she is invited anyways. :sick:
I agree with this.
I agree with this. Personally, I wouldn't go. And I would hope that my BF wouldn't go either.
If she had a problem with the family not showing up, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she made her choice and is then suffering the consequences for her choice.
Sounds like she is going to do what she wants to do until someone makes it clear that she doesn't have that right.
MIL will just schedule the
MIL will just schedule the celebration with BM has custody of the grandkids.
Psh. That's a novice mistake.
We can't make SDs not go,
We can't make SDs not go, they're definitely going.
dog person Im not sure what you meant by that last line.. We don't decide who will be invited,and who will not.
And StickAFork, what do you mean by novice mistake ? I'm not sure I understood..
Aren't you the one who
Aren't you the one who remained very close with YOUR ex???
"Exes are exes for a reason."
Then exes really aren't exes
Then exes really aren't exes for a reason.
Don't you also handle all of his post-death stuff? His house, estate, etc? I gathered your involvement with him extended well beyond a Christmas card and an infrequent text message.
See, I actually don't think
See, I actually don't think there's anything wrong with how involved you were/are in your XH's life/affairs.
I just think it's hypocritical to say "exes are exes for a reason" when you CLEARLY were not "exed" out of XH's life.
It's double talk.
No one is rubbing anything in anyone's face in the OP. The GF doesn't like the family traditions and is the *only* one with the problem. SHE is the one who will have to accept it or force her BF to choose his entire family or her.
Not fair to do to someone you love. I sure didn't do it to DH.
Exactly.
Exactly.
But how can we make her not
But how can we make her not invite her the next year, or the years after it? Its not our choice.
You can't make her do
You can't make her do anything. She did you and BF a favor by letting you all know what the plan is. You can decide for yourself what to do, just as she has done.
Oh my. Sounds like your BF is
Oh my.
Sounds like your BF is going to have to make a few things clear to his family, should HE feel it necessary to do so.
If your BF doesn't feel that BM should be there, then HE is the one who is going to have to make that clear to his mother. Then, his mother "should" (in theory) respect his choice.
If his mother won't respect his choice, then that is another matter altogether.
I mean, whereas I can see where his mother is coming from, still the family dynamics have changed and holiday traditions should (in theory) be adjusted accordingly. Perhaps it's time for his mother to spend time with BM outside of family holidays. As horrible as that would be (for you), it still should be preferable to making you, her sons new choice of a life partner, uncomfortable.
It shouldn't be difficult for his mother to engage in the discussion with BM that could consist of, "Whereas I think that you are a great mom and a great person, out of deference to my son and vikki0, it's time for the holiday traditions to be adjusted according to the new family dynamics. I don't make these changes to hurt you, but instead to honor my son."
If BM is really a "great" woman, she should understand this. In fact, I find it surprising that BM would want to come spend a holiday with her ex-family-in-law. I have a great relationship with my ex and his new wife, and have never had any sort of falling out with my ex-in-laws, but going to hang out for holiday gatherings with them would be strange. Personally, I wouldn't want to do it if only because I wouldn't want to make my ex's new wife feel uncomfortable - regardless of the fact that we get along. It's not MY family anymore - even if there is a child involved.
I have, however, heard of blended families and ex's getting together for the holidays, without drama and hard feelings. But it is my understanding that the dynamics naturally grow and progress into that. And it takes some very mature (or weird) people to make it work.
I never had a desire to maintain that type of relationship with my ex-in-laws. No matter how fantastic of a people I feel them to be. We just - aren't "family" any more. *shrug*
Perhaps have a conversation with your BF to gauge his feelings on the matter. Ask him to take action accordingly. If he doesn't have a problem with BM being there, explain that YOU have a problem with her being there. If he won't take action according to your wishes, your options become pretty limited - and none of them are pretty. Of course, I am certain that you are already acutely aware of that.
I'm sorry, and good luck.
GREAT response and God I wish
GREAT response and God I wish my BM thought like you and I do.
"If BM is really a "great" woman, she should understand this. In fact, I find it surprising that BM would want to come spend a holiday with her ex-family-in-law. I have a great relationship with my ex and his new wife, and have never had any sort of falling out with my ex-in-laws, but going to hang out for holiday gatherings with them would be strange. Personally, I wouldn't want to do it if only because I wouldn't want to make my ex's new wife feel uncomfortable - regardless of the fact that we get along. It's not MY family anymore - even if there is a child involved.
I have, however, heard of blended families and ex's getting together for the holidays, without drama and hard feelings. But it is my understanding that the dynamics naturally grow and progress into that. And it takes some very mature (or weird) people to make it work."
EXACTLY! and yea, that is just weird in my opinion.
She doesn't see why it would
She doesn't see why it would bother him? Seriously? She is disrespecting her son and you, not to mention your relationship.
This is much like DH's
This is much like DH's family. They and BM are all very close. ALL of them.
This is your life. Accept it or not.
Your BF married this woman, made her a part of his family, and created lineage with her. Just because he divorced her does not mean that the entire rest of his family is expected to do the same.
Plain and simple.
I totally agree that the
I totally agree that the family does not have to "divorce" her. But any reasonable host does not create a hostile environment on purpose.
I am dear friends with two sisters who loathe each other. I am very close to both. I would NEVER in a zillion years invite both of them to my home at the same time.
My ex SIL was with my mother when she died. She immediately changed her travel plans and left before the funeral and when my B and new SIL arrived. Both staying in the same home would not have been prudent. And they don't hate each other.
The family can keep all the exes they want - but they cannot expect the current spouse and the ex-spouse to now be "family" together. I've seen it happen but it is very, very, very rare.
But the *only* one with a
But the *only* one with a problem is the new GF/OP. She even said that BF doesn't have a problem with it. His only problem is because SHE has a problem with it.
The only one who thinks it's a "hostile environment" is the new GF. No one else. She loses in this battle.
I love love love my ex SIL.
I love love love my ex SIL. We lived on opposite ends of the country but kept in touch and exchanged Christmas presents, etc.
But she would NEVER have been invited to a family event that my brother and his wife were attending. And the BM and current wife get along.
That is just STUPID STUPID STUPID.
Do BM and MIL have a secret
Do BM and MIL have a secret plot to try to restore the marriage? or to get rid of the new woman? Because they are plotting some crap. No one who has an ounce of human kindness tries to set up unpleasant confrontations.
Would you invite a person who was assaulted and the assailant to the same dinner party and tell the other person to "live with it".
There's nothing wrong with keeping ties to ex inlaws - but appropriate boundaries are always necessary. There's nothing wrong with all being one big family IF all participants are comfortable.
It's sort of like sex - whatever two consenting adult choose to do is their business. What ever relationship CONSENTING exes and new partners/relatives have is fine.
But no one should be forced to participate in FORCED intimacies/relationships of any kind.
I dont know do they :/ Well -
I dont know do they :/
Well - they don't think of her as just an in law, they think of her as their very own.
We're not forced to come,but BF wants to..
Thank you for your
Thank you for your answers.
BF doesn't mind BM being there because of her presence itself,he minds her being there because it makes me uncomfortable and the situation kind of awkward.
But his mother already invited her and wants her to be there.
I don't think BF is ready to NOT go celebrate Christmas at his mother's.. It's a tradition older than he is and he respects traditions. AND he loves spending time with his family.
BM and BF's family think of eachother as family, even though BM and BF are divorced. So shell be there too. AND help with everything.
BF's mom CAN tell her that shes not invited, and why, but she doesn't want to, she wants to invite her.
:/
Then maybe go, but only stay
Then maybe go, but only stay for an hour or so. Make other plans - even if it's a day alone to spoil yourself and enjoy the peace and quiet.
I might take that avenue. Make an appearance, but that's it.
WHy would BM even want to go?
WHy would BM even want to go?
"How unfair that all is to
"How unfair that all is to you!"
Hmm. I guess it's not "unfair" for this new GF to want EVERYONE to change for HER. NO ONE else has an issue with this set up. Not MIL. Not BF. Not BM. Not any of the ILs. ONLY the new GF.
Define "fair." The entire family has a tradition and no one has a problem with it. The dad's new GF does, so her "one vote" shouldn't count more than the entire family.
I am curious, if at this
I am curious, if at this family function, the kids will continue the stepford act.
Good point! BM being there or
Good point! BM being there or not wouldn't bother me, but I'd go just to see if the kids continue the act.
I think this goes back to
I think this goes back to whole gf versus wife and how long you have been together. I may have missed it in your blog, but how long have you guys been together?
I think that relationships with exes and their former in laws is something that can fade away with time, but the longer they have known the ex the harder it is just lose that person. If your relationship is new, then they will definitely not be worried about your comfort because they don't know if you guys will even last.
I honestly think that you should go, even if for an hour. Show your face, stay for a while and then spend the rest of the day doing whatever YOU want to do.
That is just jacked up. And
That is just jacked up. And calling her out 'because she expects everyone to change for her"?
Seriously? Divorce is divorce and whether the family wants to accept it, that's their problem. Obviously these people have not had a chance to move on after the divorce, and the family is terribly inconsiderate of 'newcomers'
I am curious to know if the entire families exs will be there. Or if this BM is the only ex that is welcome? What about fil ex girlfriend before mom, is she gonna be around? Hell, maybe you should bring your ex and you guys can all be a big happy family.
No, its not all about markng the new gf comfortable. It's about respect. And BM is a Jackass for even to agreeing to particpate in a family function , that she chose to leave. What's BM going to do when she actually finds a new man and family of her own, is her new man going to come hang out? Hahaha, I seriously doubt it.
If bf doesn't stand up, and say hey, this isn't cool, and not conducive to me having a new relationship, and trying to get HER accepted into the family, so we are going to sit this one out, maybe gf should make him go over to his exs family for another holiday, or have her parents invite her ex over for dinner on Valentines day. What's good for the goose right?
I wasn't calling the OP out.
I wasn't calling the OP out. Simply saying that her "one vote" against this family tradition isn't going to change it. Nor should it.
I sure as hell didn't waltz into my new family (and I AM married to DH) and announce that BM needed to stop attending family functions and holidays because it hurt my fee fees.
I roll with it. Go or don't go, depending on my mood.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your answers!
I decided that I'll go, but won't stay around for a long time - as soon as it becomes too much for me, I'll leave.
Thanks again
Do "charm schools" still
Do "charm schools" still exist??
Well this exactly is my fear-
Well this exactly is my fear- that I will not have a place there, that I won't be able to get a position because they'll always see her as number one! :/