Kudos to the adult SD for recognizing her own issues and not wanting to put them on another woman. And kudos to Caroline for pointing out that stepparents aren't replacement parents AND that Dad has a life outside of being a dad.

Though, if her parents were married for 40 years, that makes SD around my age or a bit older. My dad has a new GF, and while the circumstances around my parents' separation isn't the same, I don't view his GF as a replacement mom or even a stepmom. She isn't going to help my dad raise me. I'm likely never going to spend more than a few hours with her at any given time. I'm likely never going to live in her house, or ask her for money, or anything else that I would do if I were a minor. I'll treat her with the same respect as I do my SF, though my relationship with her will likely be different as my SF was around when I was younger and helped raise me.

I'm going to assume most of the SD's feelings come from a place of grief, and the GF's kindness is sending bittersweet pain through SD's heart as she sees another woman do similar things her mother did. Or it's bittersweet because maybe Dad is happier with the new woman than he was with Mom. Or maybe SD likes the GF better than her mother and that's tearing her apart. The only person who knows is the SD, and she needs to work through those feelings without ostracizing the GF or making demands of her father. I think she CAN be a good SD in this, but she has to CHOOSE if she'll let her grief, memories, and past relationships dictate her future.

I think it's great that the DD is recognizing feelings in herself that she doesn't like. But her comment of "BUT, she’s my one and only mom and I don’t get or want another one" sounds like she may not appreciate the presence of another female in her family.

Some of the advice was good, but seemed to deal with the evolving feelings of grief and acceptance. Nowhere did I see that dad's new friend should be treated with respect - even if you don't appreciate her presence, that dad has the right to move on.

I think if she sincerely cares for, loves and respects her father she will understand he is a person who deserves to be loved, cherished and respected. As an extension of this she ought to treat the woman he has feeling for, the GF, with respect and at the very least be polite. The DD should want to make her father's life easier not harder. She is not dishonoring her mother but respecting her father.

I like the article! Very strong points about our roles in relationships and the varied ways they can be viewed...

Hope Daughter can find compassion, joy that dad found someone.

10 words,,,very hard.

One thing all children, especially adult ones, need to remember is that being a parent is only one of the many roles we play in life. We are lovers, friends, bosses, workers, teachers, students...We have so many relationships that are separate from our children and families. They have their own relationship w/their father and we have an entirely different relationship with our husband.

The writer in this story has a mother who passed away and is only seeing dad as an extention of mom instead of dad being his own person. I hope she can find peace with her mothers passing and be happy for her father.

I like this part... "How she becomes part of your life is something different, and you have a say in how that goes."

That is SO true!! And WHY some of these adults are arseholes is beyond me. I can relate.

My parents were married for 56 years. My Mom passed away 6+ years ago. Over a year later, Dad sent out the annual Christmas letter (he did not send one out the year Mom passed) and told everyone that Mom had passed away. An old friend of theirs - with whom they'd exchanged Christmas cards all these decades, wrote back with her sympathy and said that her husband had passed away the year before Mom did. When they were in the military the FOUR of them did things together quite often, so she was, legitimately, and old friend. They began exchanging letters. Then emails. After over a year of correspondence, they decided to speak on the phone. Within 8 months, those calls were a daily thing. She planned to visit her children in a neighboring state, so Dad decided to "hop over there" after visiting his sister. A few weeks later, she came to stay with Dad for a month. That was it. They made the decision they wanted to be together. After Christmas, he left for Florida. They got married just over a year ago.

I LOVE my SM. She's fun, funny, sassy, and active. The thing I love most? SHE MAKES MY DAD HAPPY!!! My oldest brother, on the other hand, is NOT happy. The way he and his wife act, you'd think Dad should still be in mourning and not living life to the fullest. Hey, sh!thead!! A happy and active senior has a longer life!!! Even if I did NOT life SM, I would NEVER let on to Dad. I want him happy and active because I love him!!!

To me, that's the bottom line. Is the future/new stepparent a good person? Is the bioparent HAPPY? Then p!ss off and let them live their HAPPY life.

I remember going through the realization that I only got one Dad, but my mother could have another partner. It seems so unfair! But I always treated him with respect and I was the only one who give him a Christmas gift every year. I have no regrets about being kind.