1st Post...
Hey everyone and thank you for allowing a safe outlet place.
To start, I have 2 girls of my own and my spouse has 2 of his,an 11yo boy and 7yo girl. From the start I noticed that both of them had social issues. Originally thought ADHD, but as I practically begged for him to get the tested, his son came back with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and his daughter is on the autism spectrum as high functioning. This has taken a huge toll financially and to our relationship as far as time, him shutting down and a general anxiety in the house.
I feel that I'm turning into the true "stepmonster" by constantly trying to stay on schedules, combatting fits of attention seeking behavior and the lying. My girls aren't perfect, but are regressing seeing that they can get away with that behavior. My spouse has dealt with it by just going to bed, drinking more and having his own bouts of anxiety.
I was a single mom for so long and had a handle on raising mine, but the daily fight to get through the day is wearing on my own relationships with everyone. I don't know how to express my need to "get away" for a couple of hours, but if or when I do, the return home is almost not worth it. It's like my husband is a subsitite teacher in his own home. No one has anything done and I'm the fun police to make the bedtimes, homework, dinner clean up etc..
And let's not forget the lying. I mean the simpliest of things that can be verified are lied about. I hate lying and it's my biggest pet peeve. Brushing teeth, homework, practicing, grades, and the latest bullying. I ask about SS day and I get "great" and when hubs comes home there is a story about how he is being bullied. Can't tell you the names, doesn't tell a teacher, doesn't request peer mediation and it was a great day. Email the teachers and nothing noticied, but they'll watch out for it. Next day same story, but teachers say no incidents.
His ex is not the easiest and sees all of this as something they will grow out of and refuses the diagnosis on both. She is always emailing for money, telling him that he is now too strict, how the kids resent him and general hurt feelings from a story that has relayed to her which again is a lie.. It's like she regrets divorcing him and now has to email him just to stay in contact with him. She remarried this Thanksgiving to a life time bachelor but yet they haven't moved in together. Insert more issues when this happens next month.
What do I do or do I just focus on mine? Do I ask for yet another counselor, but this time for us? I want to distance myself from both of his kids because I'm just not the person that I become when they are around.
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Comments
You sound miserable. Who wouldn’t be?
Read the book Stepmonster if you haven't already.
You appear to be married to a man child who doesn't actually want to raise his children.
Time to step way back. His kids are his problem. At a very minimum, you need to disengage. If he refuses to do anything but drink and sleep? For the sake of your own sanity and the future of your own two kids, move out.
Frankly, he's already abandoned both you and his own children by refusing to adult, and if he is suffering from his own mental illness, he doesn't appear to be getting help. Instead, you are being treated as the unpaid bed warming help.
I'm sorry. You seem like a very kind person. But you are clearly being taken advantage of in this relationship, and your kids child hoods are being lost to someone else's dysfunction. You and your kids sound like life was better before you hooked up with this loser of a spouse who isn't bothering to parent his children.
Can you, at minimum, move out
Can you, at minimum, move out with your kids? You shouldn’t be responsible for his kids schedules & issues, and your girls shouldn’t have to suffer through all this. The fact that he’s drinking & leaving you to manage his children is horrible. You don’t need to put up with this.
There is zero chance I would
There is zero chance I would raise someone else's kids (with mental health issues/special needs to boot) while he laid in bed drinking and refusing to deal with his anxiety and substance use disorder (and not parenting his kids).
Yes, it's time to let him know the marriage is on the rocks and he needs to get some help for his anxiety and his drinking. Marriage counseling won't help if he has his own individual issues. And I would expect that he makes some changes and takes care of his own kids, as well. Don't let this go on forever, it's not fair to you OR your kids.