Um... she will NOT call you grandma.
My mother is expecting her first child (from me) soon. She has such a bleeding heart she thinks SD should call her "grandma" if SD wants to. Being the clingy individual SD is constantly searching for affection, she will most definitely want to call my mother "grandma." She's already tried to call me "mommy" a few times. I keep telling FH his child needs to talk to someone professionally because she is STARVED for acceptance.
My response to that is HELL NO. I want my son to be the first to know her as that. Plus, there's no guarantee I will stay in SD's tortured life so why set her up for further abandonment of a "grandma."
This bothers me a lot.
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I get what you want, and you
I get what you want, and you can express that to your mother, but it's ultimately her decision as to what she wants to be called.
I want my son to be the first
Grandma is not a name exclusive to one child. If you had siblings with children, if you had nieces and nephews, your mom would already be called Grandma.
SD wanting to call your mom Grandma is a natural reaction. She's seven. She sees your mom as an adult that takes an interest in her. It's natural for SD to gravitate to her and want to call her Grandma. At seven, she's still trying to figure out family relationships and her place in them.
You don't have to allow it. That is your choice. You can tell SD not to do it and correct her when she does. You can tell her that she is not related to your mom. You can reinforce that she is a/an (unwanted) visitor and not a family member.
To go further on this, OP:
To go further on this, OP:
If you make SD feel like an unwanted visitor, then she is going to act like one. I get amazed by people on this site who treat kids like they are pests and then wonder why it's so hard for them to act like a member of the household and family, and why their partners treat the kid "sets" differently. It's because we've (general) modeled an "us vs them" structure in our lives and homes.
Ultimately OP, you've put your mom and SD in an unfair position. You went back to a bad situation, and your mom is going to have a hard time saying "no" to a kid that she may see as being neglected or that she truly sees as family. The same with SD. You came back, and that means SD is trying to navigate this whole thing, too. You can't get mad at a child for not knowing her place in an odd family structure that has been, and is, unstable.
You're setting up awfully rigid boundaries for others in a situation you want all the choice and flexibility in. That's not how this works. You've brought your mother into this, and SD to your mother. They have to decide how they want to navigate that aspect of this blend since you've put them in a position where they have to figure it out.
And... this has zero to do
And... this has zero to do with wanting to protect SD from the hurt if things don't work out. It's jealousy of a child getting any affection from MOM that OP feels should be only saved for her biological grandchildren.
If SD truly has had a life of neglect and is starved for affection, what is the harm in letting someone give a darn about her and give her some of these good and inclusive feelings.. even if they are fleeting in her life.. she would at least experience the warmth of a person who cared.. when they didn't have to. Maybe that would be enough to give her some hope as a child that the world wasn't filled with cold uncaring people?
Her mother and father need to
Her mother and father need to leave me and my family out of their messy situation. I'm back because I'm pregnant but once my child is in his routine, him and his daughter are getting kicked to the curb. Then she can continue to be starved and raised badly without affection and without me having to see it.
To be clear my mother is the
To be clear my mother is the one who said SD can call her grandma if she wants. SD hasn't expressed this. This is happening because my mother feels sorry for SD. They've never even met. so I am ending it before it even becomes an option for SD.
I don't think that's a
I don't think that's a problem... We introduced my parents as G & G. The relationship didn't work out, but it was about comfort for the kids, plus they LOVED my parents, and even after we separated they still send them holiday and birthday gifts, as well as us deciding we wanted a universal standard in the home when it came to as much as possible. They already called all thier "step-grandparents" that, so why not my parents too?
Honestly it made things smooth for us on that front.
In the long run it's not going to matter who called them grandma or granpa first. If your SD started, at your mom's wishes, that's just going to make it easier and less confusing for the baby to learn what to call her.
Add on the fact when the skids asked if they could call me mom I made a post on here, something that has REALLY stuck with me was a SD who said that she was forbidden to call her SM, who had been raising her mom, and calling her SM's parents Grandma and Grandpa, it made her feel like an outsider, especially with all the other kids around. I'm not syaing you HAVE to let her call you mom or anything, and that should never be a forced or coerced thing, but idk that it would be a bad thing for you to let her know she's allowed to call your mom grandma if she wants, and then allowing her to decide if she's comfortable with that or not.
Where's the love in all of
Where's the love in all of this??? Don't be stingy with the love and don't force other people to be stingy with it either.
I glanced at your other post.
I glanced at your other post. I personally don't think this is for you.
This is a 7 year old child whose home life is unstable. You are pregnant with a man who you identify isnt a good parent and you're rejecting his current daughter. Ontop of that you're expecting your family to do the same. You claim she needy and should be in therapy but clearly identify there is a lack of parental care for her and you're just one more person.