Hi, this is my 1st post (and it’s quite long – sorry). Some background: I live in South Africa, have been married for 1 year, 4 months & had a honeymoon baby (7months). DH also has a daughter from a previous relationship. SD7 does not live with us, but with BM about 1700km (1060 miles) away from us. She visits 3 to 4 times a year for about 2 weeks at a time. (You’d think that that would be little enough time not to get all fed-up).

Anyway, apart from issues with BM phoning DH for the most stupid reasons (e.g. My car’s in to have x & y fixed, how long do you think it will take?; How much do you think I should pay my cousin to drop daughter off at school with her kids? Etc, etc), my major issue is the following:

SD7 refuses to sleep on her own when she visits us, since before we were married. DH used to stay with her until she fell asleep and used to let her get into bed with us in the beginning, but I’m a very light sleeper and wake up at the slightest movement. I need to get up and go to work in the morning, so I told DH to rather take her back to her bed if she wakes up at night. Problem is that he would then have to stay there until she falls asleep and would fall asleep himself and stay there the rest of the night. Sometimes he would fall asleep with her when she first goes to bed at night and then sleep there all night. This really made me angry and we used to argue all the time about it – I couldn’t understand why he could not just stay awake for a few minutes and come back to bed. He said that I was unreasonable to expect him to sit awake – like I was depriving him of sleep, because it took long for her to fall asleep and she’d sometimes wake up just as he was ready to leave (I realized one evening why that was – he would get right into bed with her, with his arm under her head – off course she was going to wake up when he moved). Anyway, my moaning has not helped at all. We are at a stage now where he sleeps with her when she comes to visit, either in her room or in the lounge.

I keep trying to tell myself that it’s only for two weeks, 4 times a year but I just can’t help but to be p’d off all the time about it – it’s like everything is wrong all the time when she’s there because of this issue. When I was pregnant with BD, I asked whether he was just going to leave me alone with baby once she’s born and SD comes to visit – he said that she would just have to step in line then. Oh right, until she came to visit and it was she same thing all over again. She starts crying and then he goes “what am I supposed to do..” rhetorical question….. and goes and sleeps with her. Since BD was born, I’ve had to be alone with her at night when SD is visiting. Not that he wakes up all that much during the night, but at least if BD is really fussy I can just ask for his help or if I have to quickly go to the loo, I can ask him to watch her while I go.

Anyway, no matter whether he helps with BD or not, he belongs with his wife in bed – or am I wrong? DH says that SD sleeps with BM at home and that’s one of the reasons why he can’t just force her to sleep on her own. I say, stay with her until she’s asleep and come to bed. Tell her she can come and get daddy if she feels she needs to during the night, but then stay there again until she’s sleeping. How difficult can it be? You might loose some sleep for a few days, but it won’t last forever. Or maybe it won’t work, but at least do something for crying out loud – get professional advice then!
BUT I’m just the horrible, wicked stepmom who finds everything wrong when SD visits – I wonder why?