Putting my big girl panties on...I took the first step today :)
So, me and my separated DH got into an argument today because he told SD14 that he was "dating" me again, and she was pissed. She refused to go and see him for his week, and refused all of his text messages and phone calls. Since we have separated, he has asked me not to contact her. I agreed...but this weekend it got to me. We used to have a really close relationship, and I really miss that. So...I put my big girl panties on and sent her a text message that simply said "I know that I am the last person you want to hear this from right now...but your daddy needs you. And I know you need him". Much to my surprise, she texted me back and told me that she was "glad to hear from me" and that she "has been waiting to hear from me". I told he that I missed her and she responded that she knows that I didn't mean for this to happen. She also said that her dad was at her mom's house and that they were "discussing things" (meaning what to do about SD14 and her recent anger outbursts). I am relieved that she does not hate me. I care very deeply for both of his kids. I am also relieved that he has pulled his head out of the sand and decided to parent his daughter instead of try to be her friend. I did not tell SD14 anything personal...I kept the conversation about her. I have been there for her in some very tough times...and I know that she needs someone to talk to right now. I would feel honored if she would allow me to help her. As for me and DH...who knows. I love him deeply and miss him, but we have a long road ahead of us. Perhaps I can work on my relationship with SD14...without him around....and at the same time work on my relationship with DH. I feel relieved that a window has been cracked...hopefully time can heal our family.
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Comments
I'm confused. If she was mad
I'm confused. If she was mad at him and didn't see him because he is "dating" you again then why is she waiting to hear from you?
I don't understand it either.
I don't understand it either. I think she thought that I hated her because I left. She seemed relieved that I contacted her.
I just don't get teenagers
Ignore ignorance and
Ignore ignorance and inexperience : ) Be as kind as you can be to all parties and learn to not care about "bad behavior" in the sense of it affecting you and how you feel. No response is the best response most of the time.
I agree about remaining calm
I agree about remaining calm and ignoring ignorance/inexperience. That was something I really struggled with when DH and I lived together. Right now I know that my SD14 is VERY troubled. I will be there for her no matter what whether or not me and DH remain married. She used to talk to me about all kinds of things...I really miss that.
You gave some really good advice...Thanks calmlady
It was not neediness...It was
It was not neediness...It was letting her know that I am there for her. I don't see anything wrong with this.
Of course it bothers me that
Of course it bothers me that she does not accept me. I am more than just her dad's "GF"...I am his wife and her stepmom. I have been around since she was little. I consider her my own kid. I am a firm believer that children need someone to talk to...she used to talk to me about everything. I used to be able to explain to her why certain things happen. I was in her shoes when I was her age. I have never put her mother or father down. I simply ask her questions about how she feels...or used to. Trust me, this will not allow her to walk all over me. I believe in discipline and I know how to demand respect.
I was not trying to be a mediator between her and my DH. My DH has a hard time communicating and sometimes one of them just needs a gentle "nudge". I left the rest up to them.
Will she have angry outbursts at me? Of course...she is a teenager. It all depends on how I decide to handle the situation. Perhaps I will get kicked in the gut in this process. This is the price of being a parent. I cannot simply drop out of her life because me and DH are separated. She has been a part of me too long. Her mother used to call me when she didn't know what to do with her years ago...because I understand my SD14 and she does not (BM is too self-absorbed to think of anything but her drugs). In a way, I was her mother figure since her mother was not really around. My SD14 is a product of poor parenting from my DH and her BM. She is not a bad kid....she is just misguided right now. What kind of person would I be if I turn my back on her right now? No one ever said being a step parent is easy. It is heartwrenching and confusing...but can be rewarding at times.
The first key to communication is to actually to communicate. Without it...you just co-exist.