Is this really my life?
Time to vent.... Been with DH for 7 almost 8 years. SD10. I never in a million years thought I would marry someone who already had a child. But DH is my best friend. He gets me and always has. My family loves him. He does the small things that show me he cares but then we have SD.
I didn’t come around much in the beginning, mainly Bc she was 2 and screamed all the time. I was in college and didn’t think this was going to last anyways so I would always be “busy” when he got her. Fast forward, we’re married for 4 years and I’m becoming resentful.
DH got an out of town job 4 months ago mainly to make more $ as his child support IMO is through the roof. So now I only see him 1 day a week. And when we have her, that goes to not seeing him at all. BTW, yes I work and have a decent job but it’s still not enough to offset the cost of CS.
SD wants nothing to do with us when she comes over. She would literally rather sit on her phone all day then go do something fun and DH let’s her Bc he doesn’t want to upset her. If I make her get off the phone I’m the evil person.
SD comes over more often than not and I feel like I never get any time anymore with DH. Her mother likes to party so she guilts DH into her coming over every weekend. I think DH is starting to feel like he is being put in the middle of us and it’s seriously stressing me out.
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Can you explain why the CS is
Can you explain why the CS is through the roof? I mean, was there a recent increase or is it an ongoing situation? When was the last CS review? What is the visitation order like?
He pays...
More than $120 a week. PLUS, clothes, shoes, school supplies, summer camp. BM even calls when she needs pillows. Really?! They are $3 at Walmart but she can’t even do that. My poor DH literally had $40 to his name during the summer Bc of all this. And he won’t ever tell her no. If she calls and asks for something she gets it, which puts us in starvation mode.
If your SD is on the phone
If your SD is on the phone the whole time she is there, why do you not have time with your husband when she's there? What is he doing while she is on her phone?
I should also mention...
I have to care for my Dad who has late stage dementia. I care for him one day on the weekend while my Mom does the other. DH seems to be very tired when he comes back home and usually plants himself on the couch. I try to not be a nagging wife so I don’t say much about it
I guess he really is in the
I guess he really is in the middle.. because he only gets one day at home.. and he has to figure out how to spend time with both his daughter and his wife.
Remember... you are not the only one that wants or is entitled to his attention.. Is she in the house when he isn't there? because otherwise, I don't think you really need to worry about whether she is on her phone.. other than if she is using up your data plan or something.
It honestly sounds like this working out of town gig isn't working out well for anyone. He doesn't have enough time at home to give everyone enough attention at all.. I know the CS obligation doesn't go away.. but honestly, it seems like you would be better off with him at home.. even if he had to pick up a 2nd job.. drive uber or something to bring his income up to a more comfortable level for your home. At least you would have him home in your bed at night... and that is better than what you are experiencing now.
Yes she is
when he comes home later than expected or has to work an extra day she still comes here, whether he is here or not. And this is my home also so I do believe I should have some say in it. But I don’t. As soon as Friday hits, BM is all about dropping her off to me.
Are all of those extras,
Are all of those extras, beyond child support, in the CO? Because if he can't afford the extras, he can't afford the extras. Part of child support is for clothes and school supplies. Sounds like he needs to start telling BM, "No".
The out of town job to pay for all of that is not working out and BM is supposed to be financially supporting her daughter, as well. It is not ALL on your DH (she calls him for pillows? And he buys them?). Also, the money (and what it buys) is not a substitute for him spending quality time with his daughter. Without all of the extras, can he afford the child support working a local job?
As soon as Friday hits, BM is all about dropping her off to me.
Well, that would not work for me. She is there to see her dad, so if he's not there, there is no reason for her to be there. She is not your responsibility.
No they are not
The extras are not. It was supposed to be every other weekend and the CS, nothing more, nothing less. It is now becoming every weekend and it has always been more than the CS. I have told him all these things like you have said Bc I honestly do not believe it is fair and he thinks it’s what he’s supposed to do. We are never going to get out of our studio apartment, where his daughter has to sleep on the couch by the way, if he keeps giving extra money. And yes, he went and bought her pillows when she asked.
I feel for ya, girl, I could
I feel for ya, girl, I could not deal with that. Does your husband pay his portion of your bills that you have together?
My DH did not have a lot of money when we first got together, and as much as he loved his daughter, he did not pay for extras or hand BM money. I would have been livid (and gone), if he had.
We lived in a one bedroom apartment and SD slept on the couch EOWE, but we worked together towards buying a house, where she could have her own room.
Doesn't your husband have any goals, other than making BM happy?
Yeah he does pay his portion
Yeah he does pay his portion but if we want to do anything that costs a decent amount like a vacation or something needs a down payment it’s always on me to pay for it and I’m about over it. I’m afraid to buy a house with him honestly seeing as how he has to live week to week. I have $ saved where as he doesn’t. Do all women who have stepkids deal with this too? That’s what I want to know. It’s stressful and I don’t need anymore stress in my life.
Money is definitely an issue
Money is definitely an issue in a lot of step situations. If he doesn't truly have the money for extras, he shouldn't be doling it out. Just paying the child support can be a financial strain.
I made it very clear to my DH that besides paying bills, he needed to have money in savings. Of course, he needed to pay child support and fulfill his responsibility to his daughter, but he also had a responsibility to the life that we were building. He was so screwed up in the head about money, thanks to BM, that we fought about it a lot in the beginning. Yes, it was stressful!