List for new people. Long and just my humble opinion.
Lets make a list of things you should not do when getting in a step relationship. Feel free to add if you want. As always…this is my humble opinion.
Some will disagree with me, but this is why I think my step situation has not been as extreme as some others. Feel free to add if you like….The first two are the most important….IMHO
FIRST … “Date” your SO for more than 2 years before marrying or living together. (I suggest waiting until kids have flown the coop) And realize that no matter what your SO says…your SO had a part in the break with BM.
SECOND … Discuss all of the below with your SO BEFORE marrying or living together.
Do NOT try to be parent or take the responsibility of parental role. Be the nice friendly Aunt or Uncle and nothing more. Same for your SO and your kids.
Do NOT try to change the skids eating habits. Not sure why so many stepmoms feel it is their responsibility to make skids eat the food that SM thinks they should.
Do NOT try to be the person to make the skids get good grades. But DO discuss with SO about what happens when skid turns 18. My and DHs agreement was that any adult over the age of 18 could live at home IF they went to college full time AND had a part time job. Adults can come back home for no longer than 6 months under extreme circumstances. (Divorce, job loss, illness ECT.)
Do NOT be the one to teach them to clean or clean themselves. If they make a mess and do not clean it, tell your SO…”Honey, there are cereal bowls left on the table, please take care of that” “Honey, there is piss all over the toilet set, please take care of that.” “Honey, Jr kind of smells.”
Do NOT worry about the kids manipulation of your SO. Your SO probably already knows anyway, they just do not want to hear it from you.
Do NOT tell your SO your opinion on his little angel. No one wants to live with someone that rags on their kid all the time.
Do not worry about who says Hi to who when walking in a room. Be an adult and just say Hi.
Do NOT worry about how BM parents her and DHs child. You will drive yourself insane.
Do NOT try to deal with BM about her kids or your DH. A nice “hello, how is your day?” is sufficient, if you find yourself around her.
DO realize that your DH loves his kid. A LOT. And that kid will be a top priority for him for a long time. you will feel left out sometimes, you will feel jealous sometimes, you will be annoyed at the sight of skids sometimes. All perfectly normal, but just know that until his child becomes an adult, they will be more the center of his life. (As they should be…IMHO)
Any add-ons?
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Comments
That's a pretty good list.
That's a pretty good list. Key being that a LOT of the situations we see on here are because people rushed in.. or ignored red flags.
I would add: Do not have Joint Finances when your SO is paying CS.. or has children that he is in any way supporting.. even adults that are getting lavished on post 18.. don't joint finance. That doesn't mean you don't share joint financial responsibility for certain things.. but don't just throw your money in the same pot.
Decide that everything can't be a hill to die on. If you are a rigid or controling person (and you know if you are)... steplife ain't for you.
Ahhh yes! Perfect points.
Ahhh yes! Perfect points. Do not combine finances. Also to Decide that everything can't be a hill to die on.
My additions:
My additions:
The fact that your SO/DH has kids does not mean that his opinion or his way of doing things is "the way." You matter too.
You are not a doormat, a nanny, a maid or an ATM. Do not allow yourself to be treated as one.
Of course you matter!!
No one should say you do not, but to count on him changing may be unrealistic. There is an old saying, men marry the woman they love, and hope she does not change; women marry the man and try to change him to the man they love.
Great list!
I would add, whether you have joint fiances or not, make certain you understand your future spouse;s income, assets, liabililites and expenses. Is he funding retirement? Or does he expect you to support him in his old age. Make certain you understand his commitment to pay for college, either under local law, his CO or what he wants to do. Is that great house he is living in actually held in trust for his kids, and will you get kicked out when he dies? Is he mortgaged to the hilt?
I am a firm believer that every divorced person with kids should have a CO.
ETA -- also understand that custody can change. His ex can die, become disabled, whatever, and the kids may end up with him full time
DO get a prenup
That includes the divided finances AND the agreements about support/living arrangements once children are legally adults.
Boundaries
Have them! Don’t let BM harass you. Yuh didn’t marry her or have kids with her. You owe her nothing .
and protect yourself and your children when false CPS are bantered around
How about a DO list :D
In my experience people only pay close attention to the words that come after the "Do Not" part. LOL. Like when you say "Do Not Go There" and of course everyone Goes There.
#1 - MOST IMPORTANT! Do take care of your own physical, mental, emotional and financial health FIRST.
Because you might have kiddlings of your own and because you cannot expect to be made a priority when in this steplife. Heck, some of us arent even on the radar!
Do have outside-the-family/household hobbies, interests, family, friends, activities. Because you need to keep strong through all of this, you will need an IRL support system, and if you are ill in any one of these areas, skids and BM and SO will smell the weakness and you will be targeted..hence "doormat syndrom" we all see here.
Do have a life insurance policy on your SO/Partner/Spouse (at least to bury them if not take care of property/bills/ stuff afterwards) Self explanatory
Do be aware that you have rights too - this is your home! Also self explanatory. You have the right to live in a peaceful, respectful home. You have a right to expect contribution of skids and SO. You have a right to respect.
Do be careful what you tell the little special darlings; just imagine that the toxic exes are standing right there beside them while you impart information or directives. Do remember you are not the parent, even if you have "been there" in their lives since they were toddlers.
Great list BTW!
All good points!! And a big
All good points!! And a big one that I forgot....ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT BM COULD RUN AWAY OR DIE AT ANY MOMENT. Then skids will live in your house full time.
lol
I dream of that, then remember that if this happens, Feral Forger SD20 wll probably be expected to also live with us.
Natch. So I pray that Toxic Troll makes it.
DO realise that other people
DO realise that other people have different experiences and will see your situation differently.
DO realise that it is not all the ex and skid's fault.
Often I see on here descriptions of "amazing" spouses and "love of my life", with a truck load of problems, blurred by "love goggles" in which the skids and ex are blamed.
Uhm, the chaos and disrespect you see in your house, when you live with your spouse: most of it is a spineless SPOUSE problem.
Don't get grouchy and throw your toys when this is pointed out to you, crying mean people on the internet.
The way I put it:
Ive described it this way:
"The dysfunction that caused your parents to not have a successful partnership, that same dysfunction does not go away, it stays, unless it is dealt with appropriately".
I dont place blame on either side, It is both contributing to the dysfunction. It doesnt suddenly dissappear when the partners separate/divorce.
Do not ever place yourself to
Do not ever place yourself to be the mediator between your H and BM. I see here how some parents can't communicate and have used the SM as the liaison. This RARELY ever works out well so keep yourself out of their parenting and mind your business.
Try and as difficult as it may be.....try with all your might to NOT take things personal that are projected from step kid. In my experience 9 times out of 10 its not about YOU. Sure anger may be directed towards you but please know that for these kids its a whole lot deeper than we'll ever know.
That is all.....
Avoid all the above do and do not lists:
DO have a policy NEVER to get involved with men who have previously enjoyed families no matter their ages. It is better to remain single than taking that chance.
LOL!!!
OK that made me smile!!!!
How about WOWmen??????
It's FAAAAAR Easier
for men w/o children to hook up with women with kids. Very socially acceptable. There are no Grimm fairy tales about the eeeeevvvviiiilll stepdad.
Truer words have never been
Truer words have never been spoken!
Do set realistic expectations
Do set realistic expectations of each other and your relationship (no "NEW mommy or daddy" for the skids).
Do set up realistic house rules and follow them, nobody is exempt even special snowflakes.
Do appreciate the fact that you are both in parenting/stepparening hell and that you should each have one another's backs!
Don't make every minor issue a hill to die on.
Do appreciate your partner and remember why you chose one another.
Yes, good list!
Yes, good list!
DON'T lose your sanity over how clean your skid's bedroom is or isn't. Close the door. Send DH in when there is something that needs to be removed.
DON'T expect your skids to see you as a third, beloved parent and to remember your birthday and wish you a Happy Mother's day.
DO expect your skids to be loyal to their other bio parent no matter how loony said bio parent is.
DO make some effort to have a decent relationship with your skid.
DO be happy if your skids show you basic respect and civility, even if they refer to you as "Dad's Wife".
Do demand respect early on
Do demand respect early on from your SO, if they are not able to show you that they respect your time and position as an adult who did not birth his children then seriously consider walking.
Respect comes into many aspects:
You should be notified asap of any last minute changes to schedules that affect you.
You should always be ASKED (and not expected) to look after the stepkids and it should always be ok for you to refuse, no matter your reasoning.
In front of children your SO should always back up your parenting so that you are working as a team (you can always discuss differences when you two are alone).
Your feelings and opinions should be respected when you express them to your SO, this may not always mean that action is taken on them but they should be listened to and acknowledged rather than dismissed.
Do NOTs
1. Do Not allow your SO/DH to try and sell you to his family as if you were a QVC item on sale for half off! Either you can stand on your own merit with people or you can't. I don't need to be "sold" to other people for their acceptance.
2. Do Not allow your home to be used as a pawn shop (no shopping here...please take your name tags off our possessions) or as a refuge camp. The home is a sanctuary where only those who accept and respect the relationship are invited in.
3. Do Not allow previous family traditions be used as a way to keep you on the outside or bully you into doing things you are uncomfortable with. All families grow and change over time either from birth, marriage, divorce, death, adoption, etc. As the family change, the traditions should change to include all family members.
Going on 10 years with DH
I wish I would have had this list years ago or gone to step family counseling early on!! But I made it and my SD almost 23 will be having 3 kids soon. I am now warning others of what can happen to them if they marry someone with SKIDS!!
but just know that until his
Add on: And often even well into middle age COD's are the center of their parents lives due to divorce guilt. If your spouse can't set boundaries with their minor children don't expect that to magically change when they're 18.