I really like our counselor
Talked about a lot of stuff last night, but focused on SS19 and BM.
- counselor told DH "you can only afford what you can afford." She wasn't necessarily against DH cosigning loans but stressed we needed to figure our exactly what we could afford, including loans, and limit our contribution to that.
- she suggested DH broach the subject of transferring schools with SS19. DH listened in a way he would not have had it been me.
- I suggested we see a financial counselor so we had an outside party figuring out what we could afford. She thought this was a good idea and DH said he would go.
- she said we need to pretend BM doesn't exist, figure out what we can afford and how much loans we/kids can take and limit their costs to this. Don't allow them to factor in BM contributions.
- she said DH needs to tell kids when they are planning for college that BM can't be relied upon to come through. She said to tell them about what happened to SS19. DH said then he'd just have to "deal" with the fallout from BM. Counselor said "you don't have to deal with BM at all." DH said well when she calls I have to pick up. What if it's about the kids? Counselor said can't you let it go to voicemail? DH was kind of stunned. Of course I've been asking him to do this forever but he thought it was unreasonable. But now that it came from her he may consider.
- she basically said to stop protecting the kids from BM, let them see her for who she is, and cut her out of our lives.
Frankly if he could do that, I'd be a lot more willing to give a little on the money aspect.
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Comments
I get what you're saying but
I get what you're saying but part of the point of a counselor is that they're a neutral third party. She also tells me some stuff I don't want to hear but that DH has said before. When DH says it I roll my eyes. When she says it I think, maybe I'd better consider this again. I don't always end up agreeing but I at least think it through.
Your therapist sounds like
Your therapist sounds like ours - great advice (that usually comes out of our mouths first) and a way to get DH to listen
Hopefully soon. I asked my
Hopefully soon. I asked my accountant for a recommendation.
Yes they all have iPhones (of
Yes they all have iPhones (of course)! The idea that he needs to always pick up the phone is silly. I'd really like if calls basically ceased between them entirely. Been asking for it for years... So we will see.
Just an FYI, phone calls
Just an FYI, phone calls between my DH and BM ceased when SD was about 15/16. After that, it was text only until SD turned 18. Then, nothing. After SS turned 18, we changed all our numbers and warned the skids to not give them to ANYONE else.
There is no need to bow at the alter of the Golden Uterus for kingdom come.
"There is no need to bow at
"There is no need to bow at the alter of the Golden Uterus for kingdom come." I love this! A few DH'S need that tattooed on their forearms for daily reference.
I see what you're saying. The
I see what you're saying. The truth is the number we came up with kind of got pulled from DH behind. Like I did show him, ok if you pay X then when you have two kids in college plus two in private school your total payments will be Y. And that was a big number. And so he decided how much he thought he could afford.
It's true my salary will increase. But I will also tell that financial person about the two babies we hope to have. And she will see DH retirement assets and debts. So my guess is they won't think we can afford too much for college.
Sounds like you lucked out
Sounds like you lucked out and found someone who understands. Even better DH is willing to listen to her and take her suggestions.
My exH wouldn't listen to my opinions on our finances because he was 10 years older than me and what could I possibly know???
It was very frustrating because I was/am so much better at money management than he was/is.
He had a second mortgage on the house we lived in that was only $5000 and he was pay $80 a month on. I tried to explain to him how as a 2nd mortgage at % interest rate over x years he'd pay 10x the $5000 but all he kept saying was that he could afford $80 a month!
We went to the bank that held the mortgage and the bank gal told him EXACTLY what I'd said. He sat in that meeting and actually said, I'm so glad we came here and got advice from you! I almost choked him!
In the end, the payments were lowered and I had a great example of that time I was right.
I still don't understand why
I still don't understand why you are helping to pay for any SKID's college? Did I miss something? If you want to have your own babies, I would put money away for them... not waste it on another woman's kids. What if you are laid off? What if you are forced to take time off once you have a baby? What if you end up getting a divorce? I can see many situations where you could regret having contributed to this SKID'S college unstead of saving it away for your own kids' futures.
Actually there is no way anyone could make me pay a cent for my SKIDS college. My DD wants a PhD, so I'm glad I chose to save as much as I could for my kids.