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Swine Flu and Visitation

yesican's picture

Well my two sd's have swine flu and this is our Wednesday and weekend for visitation. BM is letting dh decide whether to take visitation. WTF??? Why for any reason would you send your child sick with the swine flu to infect another household. DH came home and told me yesterday. I said absolutely not, they could not come for at least 6 days! My 2 oldest bc are high risk with underlying health conditions and I don't want to take any chances. DH called bm back and told her we would not be picking the girls up for Wednesday or the weekend visitation. And asked if she would be willing to let us have them the next weekend, we are already supposed to have them for halloween. And she said are you sure you want them two weekends in a row? She made it sound like the girls inconvience us, which is totally not true. Just needed to vent a little. Thankfully no one in our home has gotten sick, their was a confirmed case in my daughters class, but so far we have been lucky. I just don't want to take any chances.

Comments

startingover2010's picture

i dont blame you at all. people are dying from the swine flu left and right. kudos to you and dh for standing your ground.

BMJen's picture

I don't blame you either. If I came down with swine flu I wouldnt' go home. I would try to keep it away from EVERYONE! No way would SD come over if she had it. Nope.........and if anyone in our house had it No way would I let her come over!

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

People aren't really dying left and right from swine flu, and statistically I'm reading it's no more lethal that the regular flu. However, swine flu is hitting young people worse than adults. Our area has been hit HARD by it.

And I don't blame you a bit yesican... keep those germs away!!!

Totalybogus's picture

I would never allow my DH's children to enter my home if they had anything contageous while my children were in the home, and I included Lice with that line in the sand.

yesican's picture

We went through the lice too. I made dh go to the school and verify that the school let them come back before I would allow visitation to resume. Maybe that is mean, but I wasn't going to go thru 5 girls hair! BM let the girls come when my bd had whooping cough, the next day I called the health department and they told me not to have the sk's at the house. I made dh tell bm that they couldn't come for their weekend visit. I can't believe she was willing to send them. Crazy describes her best.

...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King

MeanOleMe's picture

I'm sorry, and don't hate me for this, but, I disagree. I hate when BM won't take my SDs' for her visitation when they are sick. I mean if they were deathly can't walk to the car sick... fine, but, just because they are contagious... no. She should be just as responsible for them as we are. KWIM? I am not saying that to be a bitch, just to show the other side of it.

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

BMJen's picture

Mean, I don't she's skirting responsibility. Just keep the contagious virus where it started.........not spreading it around.

Jeans222's picture

When kids are sick, they should not be visiting, ESPECCIALLY to homes with other children.
Doesn't matter if its swine flu or measles or anything else.

That you would not want sick children coming over makes you SANE...
as thats too much to ask anyone to do.
Birth mother should nurse her sick kids in their home until they are well. Not have them go to their fathers or anyone elses house
spreading germs and disease.

Call the CDC on her if she makes the kids come for the weekend, what a foolish and selfish thing to do

MeanOleMe's picture

What about when their are other kids in "their" home?

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

BMJen's picture

Personally, I wouldn't let any other children in my home if anyone in my household was sick with a contagious virus.

And I won't have my children, or myself visiting anyone else's home that has one either.

MeanOleMe's picture

What I am saying is in my case DH is custodial, and BM doesn't take the girls when they are sick, but I have a one year old. So don't spread the sickness, and don't send them where there are other kids, but what about the kids that live with them? My SD17 has swine flu right now, and I have a one year. BM won't take her, so just too bad for my "baby" because BM doesn't want it in her house. Like I said I hope I am not coming off as a bitch, I am really not trying to. I feel for anyone who is dealing with this, just saying there is more then one side or idea I guess.

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

Jeans222's picture

BM should not have to take her if she is sick with the flu...
the sick 17 year old should stay at home, where she lives and not be visiting ANYONe while sick.

MeanOleMe's picture

I disagree...

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

BMJen's picture

Oh I see what you are saying. But as a BM if I didn't have custody of my son and he had the swine flu and there were children at his house..........those children are already running the risk of infection. The children in my house are not.

I don't think spreading this is a good idea.......regardless. But hey, that's just how I feel.

Totalybogus's picture

That's what comes along with the responsibility of being the CP. If you cannot or do not want to take care of the kids FULL time, then the other parent should be the CP.

MeanOleMe's picture

First off... I don't think anyone ever said we CAN'T take care of them. Second off, yes I did say CP, but they have shared parenting. We have ALWAYS taken care of them, as we are now. So being a NCP means you aren't capable of taking care of your kids? And all of these women who have their kids are capable? Which group does your man fall into? Capable or not capable?

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

Totalybogus's picture

Neither. I simply will not allow sick children in my house. I have no duty to said children. I have a duty to my own. If he must see them, then he can see them elsewhere. Its simply a matter of having a spine. He knows where his bread is buttered. It benefits him to keep me happy. BM is of no significance to me. She and his kids are his problem. I'm just like the fun aunt.

Primary custody is given to the person that is better suited to take care of the needs of the children. Generally they give custody to the biomom unless she either doesn't want it or is not capable of providing the care for the children. Shared parenting is a legal term. It is not physical custody. If your husband has primary physical custody it is his responsibility to take care of the needs of the children on a full time basis. the NCP is usually finacially responsible and has the responsibility of providing care while the child is in their custody. If the NCP decides they do not want to be responsible for whatever reason, then the CP gets stuck holding the bag.

I was the primary custodian of my children. If they were sick, I took care of them. I didn't send them to someone else's house to infect their kids, nor did I think it was in their best interest to make them leave their home.

MeanOleMe's picture

Do you want brownie points for being a "mom"?? Good for you! DH and BM have shared parenting, and are even both considered "residential" however they live with us. "I" don't have anything. As just like you I am a stepmom and my main responsibility is MY child, so yes it ANNOYS me that MY son has to always be put at risk. SHE has no other children. Does that mean we send them out the door? No! It annoys me... and that isn't going to change...

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

BMJen's picture

Mean, well.......she has no other kids. I can tell you also that if I didn't have custody of my son, and I didn't have other children at my house I would beg to keep him while sick, I don't care what he had!

But I turn into psycho mommy when my kids get sick, I can't help it. They could ask for the stars and I'd find a way to get them one! Wink

So I understand why you say you get upset with her.......your child has the risk of getting it, but she has no children, the least she could do is take her visitation and try to help you keep your child from the sickness. But hey, that's what a nice person would do......and I'm not thinking the BM you deal with is a nice person!

Totalybogus's picture

At first I couldn't understand why you were taking this so personally, and then I reread my response to something that you wrote. I realized that I used the would "YOU" which wasn't really what I meant, I meant "YOU" generally, not "YOU" personally, so I apologize for the miscommunication.

However, I still feel the same way. I realize that you have children in your house and that they are your main concern just as mine are, BUT, your husband does have residential custody of the kids which is the another term for the custodial parent. Shared parenting means that both parents are legally responsible for them, are afforded the same information regarding medical and school,and both parents can make decisions for the children. If your husband has the CP status then as I said, he would be the one to have to suck it up just like the rest of us CPs in all of the many situations that we wind up in because we are primarily responsible for the kids.

Totalybogus's picture

As a bm, my first responsibility is to protect my kids. In an EOW enviroment it doesn't really matter if bm is being a punk. Don't pick the kids up. Visitation is to insure that the CP cannot unnecessarily prevent the NCP from seeing their children, not so that CP can have a break. If NCP decides not to take the visitation, he/she forfeits the time with the kids, that simple.

If Dad is feeling guilty, he can get a hotel room and see his sick kids for the weekend. I certainly would never let my kids go somewhere else if they were sick. Kids generally want to be with their mothers when they are ill and I don't think ANYONE else can give them the attention and loving as I can during that time. I would tell my x...so and so is sick. I will switch weekends with you and you can have them two weekends in a row because so and so will not be making visitation this week due to the illness.

sweetthing's picture

IMO if my child was sick there is no way I would want anyone else taking care of him but me and I can honestly say that I am the only one he would want either ( he is two) If I were a really sick child I would hate to have to leave my primary residence and go somewhere else just so my other parent had their time. If my skids were sick I know that they would rather have their mom take care of them than me. And trust me it would be me not my husband. I also have a compromised immune system and a two year old so my prefernce would be that the kids stay home with their mom verses having to come to our house just to satisfy a custody agreement.

Now if they got sick ( which they have) while at our home I would take care of them & mother them the same as I would my BS. I would not expect their mom to stop enjoying her child free weekend to come home & care for them.

sweetthing's picture

I would also like to add that I enjoy my skid week ends very much and would hate to miss one, BUT if they were sick my husband & I would want to do what is best for everyone. I always tell the kids not to think of visitation as mom's time or dad's time but their time.

Now if I could just get BM to take my husband back every other weekend my life would be pretty good. However I don't want to get her BF then because I think her tast in men is questionable. Smile

lovelovelove's picture

We had about 3 weekends with the "sick SD's" last winter...and EVERY single time they came over sick, I came down with whatever they had. I told DH that they needed to stay at their mom's house when they are sick, period. I am not spreading my germs to them when I am sick, so why should they come over and spread them to me?? We don't have any other kids in the house, but I don't need that crap. Let mommy dearest take care of them when they are sick.

Especially with swine flu...OMG, there is NO flippin' way those kids would be allowed over here. Even doctors and media tell us to stay home and don't go out spreading the germs to other people. Also, BM has never taught the SD's 12 and 15 to cover their mouths when they cough and sneeze so they spew their nastiness everywhere when they are sick AND wipe snot all over the place. Yuck...leave their dirty asses at home!!

You are right, yesican! You have every right to protect your household from the H1N1 virus and anything else that is contagious.

Love Wink

imagr8tma's picture

Well in our situation.... BM has tried to use everything under the sun for trying to say DH could not have visitation....

Every little sniffle, allergy or illness....

So if SD has a sniffle - or cold - or something not to bad - she is still coming for her visit.

Now if it is the flu - then she will probably be at home - and the weekend switched. But then we are 3.5 hours away too,,,,, so it may be a little different if we were closer

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

Shaman29's picture

I hear you. We are in the same boat. After custody switched from DH to UberSkank during the summer, she has been using every excuse under the sun for step-demon not to come see DH. We have seen her twice since Fathers Day. Step-demon is supposed to be with us this weekend....but.......

UberSkank contacted DH on Monday, leaving him a voicemail that step-demon (sd14) has the swine flu. According to UberSkank, she took step-demon to Urgent Care and they said "Yes, she has H1N1 but doesn't need to be tested. We don't test everyone." :?

Ahem....I looked at DH and said " I'm calling Bullshit". If step-demon was displaying any symptoms of H1N1, she would have been immediately tested to rule it out, since she is in the high risk catagory. More than likely Uber either didn't take her to Urgent Care or she is setting us up not to see step-demon again.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

MeanOleMe's picture

Not to say your BM isn't lying, because obviously she has been if you have only seen SD twice since father's day, but they really aren't testing anymore (in my area anyway) unless you ask for it, and it is very expensive and painful. They are saying if you have the flu, 90% chance it is H1N1.

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

TryingToParent's picture

If the parents were still married, DH would have helped with the sick kids, correct? When my sks are sick we generally just keep the schedule (50/50). Since the kids are together so frequently, my feeling is that my bks have already been exposed by the time sks show symptoms. I also think it is importnat that the kids know that they have two homes and three parents, not one home with one parent and a place to visit. I have, in the past, when they are very sick, (fever over 101) asked them where they prefer to be. I have felt if they are that miserable they may not want to leave (I know I hate going anywhere when I am sick) and they have repsonded differently each time, sometimes staying with BM, sometimes coming with us. IMHO, partenting, on any level, even of sick children does not end when there is a divorce.

stepmom2one's picture

She asked if he would skip, or for him to decide becuz legally he has to ok to skip a visit.

But yeah I would say "pass!" they should not be spreading it, they should stay with her.

yesican's picture

If sd's came down sick while at our home, we would keep them, until they were no longer sick. But they got sick at bm's, so she will have to keep them. I don't want my children getting this, if they do I will deal with it, but I am not going to just invite it into my home. No one who is sick is allowed to come to our house, honestly we are so busy remodeling, I could care less if anyone comes over right now or not.

I might sound crazy, but I have 2 of my bd's who are considered high risk, they both have a high likelyhood of being hospitalized due to their other health conditions.

Luckily bm isn't deciding to be a b*tch, and she is going to switch weekends with us and that is the weekend of our fall festival in our town (big event) and my oldest bd's birthday party. So we are going to be able to celebrate those two events together. So it kind of worked out better for us, not that I want them sick or anything like that.

...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King