**UpDate** after therapy
well ST has been down and sooooo much has happened.....
As some may remember SD13 burned some paper in her room...hid it...it was ORIGIONALLY found along with the lighter by DOD....He hid this from ME...I found the burned paper and I brought it to DH's attention...DH LIED to ME!!!!!!!!!!
WELL as we women are I have NOT LET THIS GO!!!! I have tried to talk to Dh about this....no good....he has excuses...thought it was SS19's who lived with us 16 months ago....excuses excuses excuses....not to mention DH's inability to connect the 2 am fire alarm's that had been going off consistantly over the 3 wks before the lighter and burned paper were found....???????? Is he so stupid?????????? covering it up and then LIES??????????????
well u can all see Im still MAD!!
We finally went to family therapy...The entire time was spent with HD and I...DH kind of tried to sugarcoat the "better" behavior that HE and ONLY HE sees with SD13...SD13 has been STILL lying/conning DOD/games/rude disrespect.....on and on......
I made DH bring the lighter up to the therapist....SHE almost fell off of her chair....and nearly flipped her lid when I brought up the excuse making and then LYING to ME that DH did about the lighter and burned paper...Therapist told DH that HE just doesnt get how SICK SD is!! and what a DANGER she is!! DH doesnt like it but these are the facts!! Therapist spent a huge amount of time tell DH that SD had to be 'parented' differently by BOTH of us...That her emotional age was 4!!!!!!! That DH is failing SD by NOT stepping up and by not listening to me....She also tried to get DH to see that he really really really F'd up big time by lying! and hiding the fire thing!! DH was pissed and I am sure he felt attacked...he said that he thinks that I take things too far with SD...I told him that I felt differently and that I had consistantly ask for HIS help and suggestions....that DH has FAILED me and has pushed me into a role as "bad cop" by NOT ever parenting HIS children! I told him that I have made many mistakes and the BIGGEST one is ALLOWING DH to put me in a "mother" role with NO BACKING!! EVER! The Therapist picked up at this point and TOLD DH that I HAD brought up the parenting issues/my temper and yelling/my feeling upset about DH not putting his 2 cents in when the problem with SD13 started and that DH would agree/have no comment and would seem to agree/go along with the punishment....THEN that DH would be angry later and mad about what ever punishment he had agreed upon...especially when SD13 would not change her behavior...Therapist told DH that he had caused these issues by not addressing the FACT that SD was the issue NOT ME!! (yeah!!)Backing down is not the answer....DH's FULLY backing me and the punishmens that HE agreed to is the answer...
Well we left the meeting with DH steamed!! He is still upset...and I dont know how to adress things with him....I dont want to end my marriage but I dont want to go on with SD13 being ALLOWED to disrespect me....and suffer NO punishments at DOD's hand...
Disengaging is a hard process when I am left with SD13 sooooo much of the time!! I need to have DH's support....HE MUST give me legs to stand on or find another palce for SD while school is out!!
Thank you all here on StepTalk who have given me so much support and From posting ALL the BS you all go through on a daily basis....The suggestions from others here has helped SOOOOOOO much and has given me the strength to stand up for myself...
All suggestions are welcomed....
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Comments
Burning stuff in your house
Burning stuff in your house is a red flag she needs help or needs to move, be it to her other parents or a group home. That behavior is very dangerous and could end up in death or at least serious property damage
Buttercookie......we share
Buttercookie......we share the same feelings over this one!! WHY DH can't "get" this one??? I have NO CLUE?? ?Guilty Parent?
?denial? ?dumb a$$? mostlikely all the above!!
MEN!!! I just dont get it....Im scared to sleep in my own home!!!
Did the therapist make any
Did the therapist make any helpful suggestions to you & your DH about first steps to take or anything? I would hope so as this could give the two of you something to work towards instead of dwelling on his failures. With my FDH, I don't bring up failures as it just makes him sour...trying to cover what needs to be done next tends to help & get him over his issues, whatever those may be.
Good luck!
Anywho78....Thanks for the
Anywho78....Thanks for the advice! I just wish it would work with my DH...From prior experiances I have found that ignoring the past "wrong" wont work with DH...HE has to make this right first...otherwise it is like a revolving door...it just keeps coming up....I feel that DH owes me a deeply heart felt Appology for lying....DH needs to OWN that he was wrong...Our therapist tried to get DH to understand this...DH per the therapist "Just doesnt get it" she even said this to his face!!...as to the "what to do next time" she did try to touch on some of these areas with DH....DH just doesnt ever listen.....Sour? YEP!! DH is....he is still in denial...The therapist did try to get DH to look at the next steps (#1 being DH owning up to lying to me!!) DH just doesnt seem to think HE lied??..Therapist ended the session by having me tell DH how deeply hurt i was by his lies and cover up and how scared I was for SD and everyone in our home and that lies do nothing but tear us apart....He just doesnt get it...really he doesnt...you can tell in the look on his face...I guess having SD set herself and/or our home on fire would do the trick?? Therapist suggested that just the two of us come back next time so we can work through things...that SD's therapy is not that important at this time because SD is NOT going to change...but that DH and I really really really MUST be on the same page and DH needs to STOP blaming ME for SD's issues...She also said for us to email/text each other when their were issues...I have done this but it is ONE sided!! DH wont respond...head in the sand...I think that DH wants to push my buttons and allow things to get to the boiling point with me....then I blow my top...and I "look" like the bad person...My anger takes the light off the situation with SD or DH...DH can focus on ME being mad, NOT the issue at hand with SD...WELL I have determined that I am not going to loose my cool! I am incontrol of myself...IF DH wants to shift blame, Im gonna be sure that he shifts that blame to himself!! the only way I can "do" this is by remaining calm....SD is wacko and will never own up to her BS aslone as she can CON DOD!! This is a hot spot for DH I am sure...he has a huge amount of self blame over having a kid with a psycho BM (he knew she was psycho and was ready to send her packing when she pulled the "Im prego" card!!!)....I am willing to help him work through the guilt and help him see the BEST thing he can do is TRY to raise SD to be a well adjusted person with the ability to accept that she may have challenges in life BUT that she can change things IF she will STOP trying to blame others for her difficulties and start accepting that SHE must change/learn to deal with her issues...DH this is YOUR JOB!! She MUST learn ACCOUNTABILITY!!!! GUILTY PARENTING does NOT get a kid to learn ACOUNTABILITY!!!
I have only one thing to say to DH right now:
Well Buster it is HIGH TIME you stop trying to pass the blame buck on to ME and YOU MUST put your foot down with the kid and NOT with ME!! YOU and ONLY YOU can cause the change in this kids life that you want...You have dumped a maladjusted kid on me long enough...I can keep my cool...I no longer feel the guilt you try to shove on me...I have realised that i am nothing more than a baby sitter...Not my kid...not my responability!! I will not let you blame ME for the results of YOUR NON~Parenting!!! YOU had better step up with your daughter or IM a walking....:(
dtzyblnd: ((hugs)) and Kisses
dtzyblnd:
((hugs)) and Kisses to you!!!!!! We live with the same man!! Blame Sandwich....yep!!
Nothing box...yep!! Love the part about we women!! TOOOO True!! May copy and post on my fridge!!
My DH really seems to worry more about SD's "hurt feelings" than about her selfcentered behavior/refusal to interact with us as a family unit/her constant non stop lying/her major DOD guilt trips/and her TOTAL lack of accountability!! DH NEVER EVER "worries" about my hurt feelings...DUHHH...That would require DH to admit to himself that his lil Princess is NASTY and MEAN!! I dont see DH doing that any time soon!! I just dont get it....
I too am the ONE and ONLY "mom" 100% of the time in our 'home'(if u can call it that...it has no real family) as BM skipped town years ago...Oh yeah I am "mom" by "title" only!! Because God Knows I am NOT "allowed" to parent this child!! She is the parent.....allowed to lie and con...Dh cant seem to get his head out of her a$$ long enough to "see" her for what she is....sad that so many others "see" the both of them for what they are....CoDependant....
Just wish I could disengage better....im not very good at it but Im trying....It is so hard....
Thanks......Going to the book
Thanks......Going to the book store in just a bit.....I MUST get this book b4 I loose MY MIND!