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  • BM donated money toward my BS13's field trip without being asked or telling anyone she did. What is she up to? How do I respond?

BM donated money toward my BS13's field trip without being asked or telling anyone she did. What is she up to? How do I respond?

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 11:18am

My BS13 is going on an expensive school trip later this year. In our state, each taxpayer can donate up to $200 towards extracurricular activities for a school or a specific student, which gives them a refundable tax credit. I just got an email from the school and it lists BM as well as both her sisters as having donated towards my BS13's trip. I never asked her to donate and as far as I know neither has FDH. She also hasn't mentioned she did, at least not that I have been told about. I am disengaged from BM and very rarely speak to her, never about my BS13.
I think it was very nice of her to do (even though she gets her money back via the tax credit), but I can't help wondering what her game is? It's sad to say, but she always has an ulterior motive. I suppose I will have to call and thank her, but I really don't want to talk to her at all.
Am I being ridiculous to be apprehensive instead of grateful?

Comments

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 11:33am

Oh this is exactly why I come here! Thank you guys.....I was so wigged out about thinking I was gonna have to call her and trying to see how it was gonna bite me in the ass that I never even thought about a thank you card! That is perfect, thank you thank you thank you!

karenemoy's picture

Submitted by karenemoy on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 11:33am

stay out of it - dont call dont send a note. Why would you owe her a thank you - it is her kid!

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 11:39am

Actually it's not her kid. The trip is for my bio son who is 13, he's not even biologically related to her kids, although they call him their brother.
I was thinking more about it and SD20 knows about the trip, she probably told her mom. SD20 knows about the tax credit too, we all donated for her senior trip to Europe. So she might have asked her mom and aunts.

onebanana's picture

Submitted by onebanana on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 11:57am

Have your son write her a thank you note that you will be included in. Like, my mother and I really appreciate it or something.
Or write a thank you note, then you both sign it.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 12:04pm

Your son writes the thank you note. Here the requirement is three sentences minimum and move on...There is no expectation, I am sure. You probably did for her kid and she is re-paying it...He needs to send a note to the Aunts as well. Very nice of them...YOU DO NOTHING....

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 2:04pm

She doesn't actually get the money back, getting it back "as a tax credit" means that when she does her taxes she can deduct the amount she donated from her earnings before they figure out the tax she owes on what she made. (I know that wasn't really clear...um, as an example...if you make $100 and you donate $20, then you deduct the $20 amount from the $100 you earned and only pay taxes on $80.) So it wasn't THAT self-serving. She's still putting out that money and she's likely not going to see any actual money back for doing so.

I'd have your BS write them a nice thank you note, expressing what a nice surprise it was to see they'd donated toward his class trip and that he appreciates it. You don't need to get involved at all. Wink

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 2:51pm

In Arizona, this donation is not a deduction, it's actually a school tax credit that is a refundable credit towards your tax bill. You can donate up to $200 per taxpayer (married can do $400 for the couple) for extracurricular activities, either to a district, specific school, specific program at the school or specific child for a specific purpose (i.e. trip), then when you do your taxes the $200 comes off what you owe or if you owe nothing it's refunded to you. So she will get it back or it will go to pay her taxes.
Either way, I absolutely agree it was very nice of her and not expected at all. If we did not have the history we do I would not question her motives, but we do. So it just makes me apprehensive about why she would do this for my son. However, I believe in giving credit where credit is due. I am going to have BS13 write thank you notes to BM and her sisters. I will also try to take her gift at face value, perhaps it's a peace offering and I appreciate anyone doing nice things for my children.

ETA- The credit is only on your state taxes, I believe it is just a deduction for federal.

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 2:47pm

I am not sure. I have thought about it and all I can come up with is that SD20 told her and her sisters about BS13's trip. SD20 went to Europe for her senior class trip and we funded it through tax credit donations. I and several members of my family in addition to FDH,BM and their families donated to her trip plus I gave her spending money.
So BM could just be repaying the favor. Although if anyone had asked me I never in a million years thought she would ever think to. I have done a lot of things for her children over the years and never expected BM to repay me. I probably should just be glad. I'm working on it. In any case is very nice and as far as I know she hasn't told anyone she did it. So a thank you card from BS13 and appreciation from me are in order for sure.

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 2:56pm

WOW sounds like this woman has grown up and your SD must paint a good picture of you to her. Good for you!