Boundaries. KNOW THEM! And enforce them BEFORE you marry someone. That's true for any relationship. In order to know each other's boundaries - you must communicate which is the key to any healthy relationship.

Know that no matter how well it is going. It can turn, horribly, horribly wrong, in a flash. Before you even had a thought that something may be amiss. And it probably had nothing at all to do with you.

First and formost...do not live with or get married, until the kids are grown or atleast mostly grown.

Do not try to control your DHs relationship with his kids. Do not try to control skids. Let DH handle it.

EDIT TO ADD...If you feel you must marry/live with him, then at least date for 2 years MINIMUM before.

For myself, I started off by telling ALL of them (DH, the kids, and even BM), "I am not their mother and I have no interest in being that. I am an adult they can trust, however, and I will help if there's a problem. In return, I expect to be treated like any other trusted adult in their lives."

Honestly, BM started out being a little nutty, but once I told her (and more importantly, showed her) that I would NOT be put in the "Mom" role, she calmed down. We had issues with the kids sometimes, but mostly it was in trying to play one house against the other. However, DH and I VERY seldom had any problems related to the skids. I can think of only ONE argument in the 10 years we've been together, and that was because he wanted to bring the kids for weekend visitation despite the fact that they had lice and I was pregnant. (That one argument was EPIC though!)

I suppose in terms of general advice, I'd say the most important thing is this. KNOW what you want your role to be, and make sure you and your future DH are in agreement about what your role is. Make sure he's not looking for more than you can give, make sure BOTH of you are happy with what you want to do and what he wants you to do. If you and DH are on the same page, everything else is dealable.

Communication, as stated before, is essential.
It's always important to be upfront from the beginning regarding your expectations and also who you are: no good comes from pretending we are someone we are not nor from hiding what we really want from the relationship. It's also very important not to deceive yourself: sometimes we tend to sweep our feelings, values and beliefs under the rug and , at those times, we are only fooling ourselves.

#1- If you are getting married because you expect ANYTHING to change, get better, or be "more respected" by your spouse or the Ex.... DON'T. It won't change. In fact, it will likely get worse.

#2- Make sure your spouse is marrying for love, and not because they need help or want you to step in and parent their children for them.

Do not speak to or interact with BM. It never goes well. Let her be DH's problem

Took me forever...but..Disengage, disengage, disengage! lol

When you don't agree with what a step parent is saying to thier step child, wait till you're alone to tell him or her that was wrong.

No scolding a parent in front of the child.

Took hubby and I a couple of years to get this one down. We both did it to each other. Got to be a team in front of the kids.

When I married DH, my BD was 18 and his was only 5. I thought I was shit-crazy for starting all over with the parenting business and all the problems that go with it (Turns out I had a brain tumor when I married DH but that's beside the point:)

My advice would be to consistently let DH know that what you expect from the skid, you would ALSO expect from the bio. I have no bias against my SD12...I hate all bad behavior equally!!

I honestly don't know what advice to give. My situation was HORRIBLE for the first 5 years of my relationship. DH was a Disney Dad, BM was hell on wheels, she's lost steam thru out the years. Skids were horribly spoiled and destructive. They had no regard for our belongings or our home. The amount of money leaving our home for those kids and their mother was obscene. I was miserable, angry, frustrated & saw no end in sight.

Fast forward to today. Our marriage is stronger than ever, the 3 youngest kids have bonded as if they were natural siblings. My older boys never really warmed up to the skids, but they do treat each other with kindness and respect.
It's been up and down for the last almost 15 years. DH, after one too many arguments, FINALLY learned how to instill boundaries with BM, I too have stopped getting angry at every single thing she does, I am no longer as affected by her as I used to be. Skids are respectful towards me and treat our home with respect.

DH no longer dishes out obscene amounts of money and has learned that he gives PLENTY in CS and doesn't need to pick up BM's slack. If she drops the ball on her children, that's on her and he no longer feels guilty about the Skids doing without.
I think persistence, communication, understanding, acceptance & compromise are the tools needed to make these blended situations work. I have my own Bio's, I can't expect my DH to be good to my kids if I am not willing to extend his kids the same courtesy. I can't berate his kids for doing something that would not get a reaction from me if my own kids did it.

We have to be willing to look at each situation objectively and make a decision based on the situation at hand and not emotion. In our marriage, that is what has helped us navigate the whole step thing.

Iron clad boundaries with the BM if she is the nutter kind. Ours was No Contact from the get-go which helped tremendously with the verbal abuse.

Don't expect to be the Brady Bunch.

Don't care about the skids more than their own bios do.

Don't lose yourself or your bios in the chaos/drama concerning the ex and skids.

Know that for most children,Mother is God. No matter how good or how awful.

Know that very often at any time she has the power to dictate what their attitudes towards you will be because they love her that much.

With this knowledge realize ANY man who has children with a mentally unstable, borderline, addicted, craptastic BM has the potential to bring all of HER toxicity into YOUR life via the children if she so chooses.

This forum really needs a "sticky" feature.

All very good advice.

One bit of advice that has worked for me is to have many hobbies and varied interests. This way, when your step hijacks your SO and you become non-existant for the moment, at least you have something that can occupy your free time.

Or, alternatively, you can use your newfound superpower of being "invisible" and do evil }:)

Clear boundaries...boundaries to protect the "Us" relationship between you and your new spouse. Make sure your spouse has severed all "soul ties" he had with his ex wife as much as possible so there are no lingering "open doors she can use to "slither" back into his life...Watch for ex using children as "bait" to get alone with your husband for other reasons totally unrelated to children. Watch for signs of PAS'ing from ex as she may teach his kids to bastardize everything you both say and do...ultimately killing the relationship between your husband and his child.

Don't fall into the popular trap of being a "pay -per-view" relationship teaching the kids that love is what you can give them. Don't get caught up in the temporary war...losing the long term effects that will have on the kids. Be happy, and do not lose your own personal identity...by letting their apathy or false message that you don't matter because you are only the "second" wife...There is more to your identity that what they choose to see or not see...Do not let them impose their tainted view onto who you truly are.

Do not get sucked in one inch at a time to doing your dh's job for him (even though it is tempting because you could probably do it better)...et him succeed or fail at being their father on his own...that way they cannot blame you for all the failures, and your feelings won't get crushed when they give you no credit for all the good you do contribute..(same yes for dh)...Mine took the credit for everything I did behind the scenes...all the advice, all the effort, the parties, the gifts, the going the extra mile...they never saw who was really behind the countless hours of effort to support them...

be ready for a thankless job, and do not have your expectation focused on them...Do what you do for another reason, because they will leave you constantly disappointed...then, if there are any little sparks of true joy...you will enjoy those all the more.

be ready for never enough...and huge entitlement issues...I cannot say enough about healthy boundaries. Make sure you and your dh are in agreement regarding money, or anything else that will effect you both in the decision making area when moving forward. It is a good sound principal to live by..

Create your own culture in your own home...Respect out of the gate...Expectations drive stability in a family...Keep your expectations high for your own family...not to be thwarted by anyone...know what is absolutely unacceptable to you and stay true to your beliefs...they will be tested to the hill,,,know your position and the seat you sit in...it too, will be challenged.

don't expect in laws to be "all in" with your relationship...They were all in with the first wife, and loyalties are most likely still present with the first wife..which create obstacles for a relationship with you...

It was difficult for me as this was my first and only marriage...I expected a lot more than I experienced. My mil was awesome to me as she couldn't stand what my dh's ex did to them...and had no problem embracing our relationship...

One of those "things I cannot change" kind of things...I just looked at it like it was "Their loss"...and let the relationships stand on their own merit...each one for what it was...."can't win em all"...Knowing who you are helps tremendously..Self respect and dignity, and knowing what to stand up for, and what not to get sucked into is priceless knowledge...

Maintaining your individualism is so important...Otherwise you can get "lost" in the pre existing conditions that come with every broken family...Realize there will be lots of baggage...that is not yours to deal with. but you will feel the effects of their inability to communicate through issues, and the fallout that results because of it. How intense that gets will depend on how well they navigate through their unresolved issues...While this is not "your problem" directly, the indirect drama that occurs will reside on your doorstep and if you are not careful, you can get "sucked into it very easily"...Be aware of your emotional, mental, and psychological surroundings...It feels like walking through a minefield most days...but it can be done with style and grace, (If you have the effective resources) at your disposal...

With that being said...peace.

This is all very good advice! My only addition would be don't "help" your SO/DH with his first family court battles. EVER! Let him handle it all. His kids, his Ex, HIS mess to deal with. Be supportive and a good ear but don't! "HELP".

And this is why..... no good deed goes unpunished.

!. Protect the marriage relationship at all costs. Indulge in romance, gifts, private time, etc. as much as possible. You will need twice as much of this as a "regular" marriage just to survive.

2. Speak up. Tell your spouse what you need. Never assume they can see what is in right in front of their eyes.

3. Spell it out for your spouse from the get-go that you do have his/her children's best interest at heart. If they cannot believe or trust that, DO NOT GET MARRIED.