I spoke too soon... as always
As soon as I think things are good and express it the universe always reminds me... LOL...
Little background- MSD was always close to DH and me. Then all of a sudden (or I happened to notice) that she was doing very manipulative things. Telling her sisters I said/did stuff that I didn't do causing issues with me and them. Then she started to steal from me. Things that were important and meant something to me. Then she put her hands on me. Her and DH had a falling out over that and he hadn't spoken to her in 2 1/2 years.
Prior to the fight I felt like DH never really had my back. He always had an excuse for his kid's behavior. He always made it seem like I needed to get over it. I was always on edge never knowing what to expect. It sucked. I dont even feel like he had my back during the fight. But because MSD told him as long as he was with me she wouldn't talk to him, that is how they ended up initially not talking this whole time.
However, it was a blessing that MSD did what she did because it's been peaceful without having to deal with her. Our marriage and communication improved. Prior I am not sure we would have survived.
It never did sit right with me though that they stopped talking. Though it was on them to work it out I still worried about it. Worried that he would later resent me for it. But DH always had the stance "Until she apologizes to you I'm not talking to her."
I know he missed her and his grandson and then she had another baby during this time. But anytime I brought it up it was always "She needs to apologize". I felt like he finally had my back. Okay he understood the severity of the situation.
So Monday I come home from work and there's mail and it's lawyer advertisement so I open it guessing SS got in trouble again and I was right. (his mail gets sent to our house but he's a Jr and DH is a SR and it's never addressed to Jr so I never know who the mail is for).
SS got picked up for an outstanding warrant for a dirty pee test while on probation for OVI.
DH comes home (in a super good mood by the way which I never get "that DH") and I'm like look at the mail and he's like "I know my daughter told me." So I HATE when he says "my daughter" and the way he says it. Just say a name instead of "my daughter" all sugary and entitled. Ugh.I assume he's talking about OSD.
So I go about my evening but I just feel/know something more is up. It's like SM Spidey Sense.
Tuesday he texts me after work that he is going to do a side job. He comes home 3 hours later and I thought hmmmmm I'm surprised it took that long. I even say "It took that long? you weren't anyway else?" and he's like nope.
Well my nosey ass in front of him looks on his phone and see that he has been texting with MSD and OSD and a lot of phone calls back and forth between the 3 of them Monday and Tuesday. So I put the phone down and just go upstairs because I'm pissed.
MSD texted him all these pictures of her and her kids and even pictures of BM with the kids. Really the 20 other pictures you sent weren't enough you had to throw in a few of BM too?
And I'm pretty sure he went and saw MSD after work yesterday and then went to his side job but told me he just went to his side job.
I'm not upset that he's talking to his daughter. He should. But I feel like he's keeping it a secret from me. Why? Yes he knows that I don't like her but I think with the history and the fact that she is back in his life (and kind of mine) that he should at least mention it. I feel like at this point in our marriage that it warrants a mention.
The girl skids have always been a threat to our marriage. Jealous, manipulative and shit starters. So of course now I am on high alert and stressed about it and not sure what is going to happen.
Given the history I do not feel like DH has my back when it comes to the skids. Now it's been awhile since we have had to deal with that but it's still a hard thing to get over. But no I don't trust him to deal with them and protect me, our marriage and our home if shit goes down.
Also, I hate how everything seems so secretive with his daughters because it makes me feel like it's them against me.
I tell him "I'm glad you're talking to her again but it's the fact that you didn't say anything to me considering the history and situation" and he says "Don't care it's my kid." So he's back on that...
I have no idea how everything is going to play out. Any helpful advice would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Comments
The secrecy would piss me off
The secrecy would piss me off as well. If he's going to treat his daughter like a mistress and LIE to you about seeing her, he can't be surprised it would make you feel insecure and hurt.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I would tell him I'm happy he's spending time with his kids, but if he ever lied to me again, I would be done.
He's always treated all his
He's always treated all his daughters like that. First mini wives then mistresses when things got bad. I hate it and hate how it makes me feel.
I am sorry you are dealing
I am sorry you are dealing with this - especially since it may be something you dont wish to revisit.
Like you, I dont have an issue with your DH having a relationship with his kids. The major red flag for me is that he may have lied to you. Not saying that he did, but from the way you wrote this, it appears that you suspect he may have been dishonest with you.
That is hurtful - to lie to you instead of just being honest and upfront about things. This would cause me concern more than resuming a relationship with a skid.
He just does not understand
He just does not understand that I'd rather he just be upfront then hide shit. Like I would think he would be happy that he was talking to MSD again and want to share that with me. Yes he knows I dont care for her but he also knows I have expressed that they should work things out. He KNOWS it's a big issue- elephant in the room- so he should want to address it right away and approach it the right way.
I'd rather he just be upfront
I'd rather he just be upfront then hide shit.
Did you tell him that? I would.
Oh yes he knows how I feel
Oh yes he knows how I feel about it. Anything uncomfortable he avoids though.
This is a problem and what
This is a problem and what concerns me is why does your H feel like he shouldn't tell you that he's communicating with his daughter? I'd ask him about this because this will create a big wedge. It's not an issue that he's communicating with his daughter its the fact that he's hiding it like he's having an affair. I'd definitely disengage from now on and make it clear she is not allowed in your home. You may not be able to control what he does or doesn't share but you can control who comes to your house. It's sad that he would even want to play this game. I hope you both can resolve this.
I just think him speaking to
I just think him speaking to his daughter for the first time in over 2 years warrants him saying something to me. Especially with the history. Like a mention or something????
I really don't know how this is going to play out because I just keep thinking... this is how it's always going to be...can I keep doing this? Worrying about these dang girls?
He’s being dishonest with you
and honesty has to be a top priority in a marriage or the marriage is likely doomed.
I think a marriage counselor is in order. It’s not fair to you or your marriage for him to be hiding things from you and then stating that he doesn’t care. I think a marriage counselor would set him straight on that.
You know you’ll never get that apology, right?
Oh I know I will never get an
Oh I know I will never get an apology from MSD and I don't even need one from her honestly. I don't care to have a relationship with her at all.
Counseling is probably needed for DH and I.
"Well you're MY husband, and
"Well you're MY husband, and I don't appreciate having ANY secrets kept from me that have an impavt on OUR household and OUR marriage.
You can have whatever relationships you want to have with your kids, but do NOT hide the fact that you are talking to them from me and DO NOT LIE TO ME about where you are. It's extremely disrespectful, and I won't tolerate being disrespected by you. Lying and secrecy will destroy our marriage.
I am happy for you that you're kids are communicating with you again. However, do not use them as an excuse to be disrespectful to ME. Our marriage is our number one priority, so do NOT treat me like I'm lesser and undeserving. This is your only warning."
Keep everything about how his ACTIONS affect you. His relationship with his kids isn't the problem; it's how he handles those relationships that is. Be strong and stand up to him!
My personal philosophy on marriage is that it IS conditional. It IS a contract, and every contract has an escape clause. Under no circumstances should my DH or I feel safe being an a-hole to one another. We need to try every day to be good to ourselves, each other, and our marriage. If we fail at that for long enough, then our marriage is over.
DO NOT let your DH think that he can treat you this way and keep you as a wife. Draw a line in the sand, and follow through with consequence if he crosses it. He has to make the choice to be respectful and loving, and if he chooses not to, then what good is he as a partner? Marriage takes work, compromise, and sacrifice. He doesn't get to throw you out like garbage just because something shiny catches his eye. If he throws you out like trash, then scurry your behind to somewhere else that values you. When he comes crawling back because he realizes that a polished turd is still a turd, let him know that he threw you out too many times and someone else saw you for the gold you really are - even if the person who saw the gold was yourself.
Oh he knows I won't stand for
Oh he knows I won't stand for him being an ass and acting like this. I remind him all the time that I'm with him because I want to be, not because I have to be and if I ever get to the point where I don't want to be with him anymore- BYE!
And agree about it isn't his relationship with his kids it's how he handles it and them and our marriage.
Not only would I be pissed
Not only would I be pissed about the secrecy but his response to you, "Don't care, it's my kid," would not sit well with me.
It's like he's saying he doesn't care about your marriage, just his relationship with his kids. If he has to lie and sneak around, and that hurts you, so be it, he doesn't care.
This, in addition to the alcohol (that you've mentioned before), is a problem. I say that because alcohol clouds our thoughts and lets us stay in denial and not deal with things. Right now, he's choosing not to deal with you and your marriage, and the alcohol and his daughters are going to convince him that that's okay.
He was the one who took the stance that she must apologize and now, he has gone back on that. He should've just manned up and told you that he missed his daughter and was going to work things out with her. Instead, he took the coward's way out and just did it behind your back. Even though you had expressed to him that he should talk to her.
I wonder if he had already been in communication with them when he mentioned camping with the kids and grandkids. That would have been the perfect opportunity for him to talk to you about it.
I really have no advice. Counseling might work but I just don't see your husband doing that.
I am sorry that you are going through this, it's an awful feeling.
Agree that the alcohol
Agree that the alcohol affects how he feels/thinks. We actually had a REALLY good conversation a little while back about the drinking and how it affects him, his relationships, etc. And it was a good talk and did help us but it is still a problem.
Yeah and the "don't care it's my kid" stance is ridiculous coming from him honestly. Because he's hardly even sees his kids so putting so much emphasis on his kid/him being a dad in regards to it affecting our marriage is just stupid.
Lying and secrecy is very
Lying and secrecy is very damaging in any relationship. I am sure he did it because he knew it would result in issues between you two. Imo, that is not a good reason, if you know it is wrong then don't do it is my thought process.
Chances are his daughter will never take responsibility for her bad behavior and his love for the monster he helped create will make your husband think he has to sneak around or totally disrespect you.
I think you have to decide is this the hill your going to die on. Do you want an insincere apology or do you want your husband lying and sneaking around. I don't think there is a third choice that will be a respectful solution for you.
Neither will change because they don't feel their actions are wrong and imo they are. But the only one you can control is you.
I am sorry they have put you in this situation.
Honestly I don't even need an
Honestly I don't even need an apology from her. I really don't care about her in regards to her and I. BUT it really bothered me that I have encouraged him to make up with her, he kept saying not until she righted the wrong against me, but then he goes and makes up with her anyways but then keeps it from me like he has to protect her/their reconciliation against me. Hope that makes sense.
And I'm not going to let it be a hill to die on. As long as I don't have to deal with her I'm good.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your advice and comments.
DH and I have our first camping trip (just us 2) planned for this weekend so we will definitely be spending the weekend talking and working through this. And it's supposed to rain all weekend...so good time to talk.
I definitely am not happy at all about MSD being back in his life because that means she is in my life. However I understand she is his daughter and they should have a relationship and I am happy that they have reconciled because I know it makes him happy.
DH and I are not where we were 2 1/2 years ago when the fight with MSD happened, so that is a good thing. We have a stronger foundation and bond. HOWEVER it's hard to not think back to that time and how things were and not be scared that it's going to happen again. That is something I need to work though by trusting that DH will do the right thing. And at least giving him the opportunity to show me that things will be different.
It will be made clear to him though that his relationship with MSD is not to affect our marriage or our home or we wont have a marriage. I already know I will not go through the same stuff. Granted a lot has changed with her now having a family, job, etc. so I'm hoping she's too busy now to be a troublemaker.