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Update on DH wanting MSD and GB to move in

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 4:39pm

I haven't really talked to him since he left last night.

I checked his checking account today to see if he got a hotel or not. Wasn't sure if he was telling the truth about really going to a vacant... no hotel...BUT there is a charge for $140 for one of the apartment complexes he works at. It's one that is in same town as where MSD was living.

So of course I start thinking a ton of things. Not sure if it was a deposit? If it was for her? Did he sign a lease for her? If so I will be super mad. Or is this for him? I dont know.......

So I call him and he doesnt answer right away. I keep calling back. Finally he answers. I ask him if he is coming home. He said I dont know. I said well where will you be staying and he said in the vacant. Um okay. How long do you plan on doing that? Until MSD gets her place and settled in. REALLY? Um okay she is 18 years old with a part time job. How in the hell is she going to afford an apartment? How is she even going to get approved for an apartment?

I asked him if he was signing a lease for her and he said no but I dont know if I believe him. I dont even think he would tell me the truth even if he did.

So there you have it folks. My DH is staying in a vacant apartment with MSD and GB until God knows when. He is mad at me because I wont let her stay here. He feels he needs to stay with her. I'm just tired of it all. This is not what I thought my marriage would be like 6 months later. But I figured it would be a skid situation that would tear us apart......

Comments

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 4:52pm

Baby is almost a year. But he was born 3 months pre-mature.

I dont think MSD would let DH take the baby. And DH wouldn't even be able to care for him. I would be the one taking care of the baby.

I just dont get it. Where is the BF? I dont know if the BF kicked her out or the parents? Did she have a fight with BF and leave on her own thinking she could fall back on daddddyyy? If it was the parents who kicked her out, why isn't her BF staying with her?

I dont even know what to think or feel. I am just like :? in regards to DH staying there with her and treating me like crap over the phone.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 4:56pm

If you are married, you will be liable for any debt he takes on. He should know that if she defaults on a lease. I do think you should offer to take the baby and help that way, but she can't be trusted. Not the baby's fault.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:01pm

Even if we took the baby he isn't going to leave MSD in the apartment by herself.

Then once we have the baby, I still have to work, we dont have a sitter for the baby.

alieigh21's picture

Submitted by alieigh21 on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:22pm

Just being married to someone does not make you legally liable for their debt. It depends on if you live in a common law or community property state. Even in community property states it is usually only community debt if it benefited the marriage.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:08pm

I'm assuming its an unfurnished vacant but I dont know. And who knows if he is REALLY there. He could be at a friends house with her. Just trying to make me feel bad. And I find it hard to believe that she really truly has NO WHERE else to go. That she can't even go back to BM's. That she has no friends that would take her in.

LittlePanda's picture

Submitted by LittlePanda on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:50pm

This story really is sad...I know it has a happy ending, kind of..but your father and sister will likely never be ok.

alieigh21's picture

Submitted by alieigh21 on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:29pm

Seriously? I got pregnant with BS in college. I'm pretty successful now but everything I've done has been much harder than it would have been if I had had my son after I was really ready. I can't even imagine doing it in high school. Even in college we had help. Without that help there is no way I would have made it to where I am now. I couldn't imagine in a million years if my and his fathers family had not helped us.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:33pm

I would not be opposed to helping her as long as it does not involve her living in my home. I would also have been more open to her staying here had she not stolen from me in the past, told lies about me that almost ended mine and DH's relationship and her lies also caused more issues with the other skids.

DH is obviously helping her. Which is good and I am happy that is he FINALLY stepping up.

BM- not sure what her deal is. She is the one that has custody of MSD and kicked her out and took her off the insurance and still collects CS for her and doesnt give a dime to help MSD. Also she basically "stole" the GB SS# and claimed him on her taxes and refused to give MSD any of the money she got back.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:28pm

Let me clarify a few things just so you know where I am coming from.

BM booted her and the baby out a few months back. Since she became pregnant and after having the baby she lived with BM a total of 2-3 months. Other then that she has been at the BF's house.

MSD is responsible for the most part. However I am getting from DH (without him outright saying it) that she got mad at her BF and left on her own. So she didnt have to leave right then and there. She could have gotten an apartment and then left. She could have left the baby with the dad and his parents. She could have been responsible and sucked it up and stayed there until she got her own place.

MSD has never lived in my home. She has not lived with DH in the 3 years that we have been together. MSD did at one time live with DH (since the divorce) until he kicked her out and sent her back to BM because she was stealing, lying, doing drugs. Basically all the reasons I dont want her in my home.

DH isn't home a lot. So it would be ME who is dealing with MSD and GB. Not DH.

I 100% understand what DH is doing and I am glad to finally see him step up. BUT I think he should have talked MSD into going back to the BF's and then helped her get an apartment. She could have stayed for a week and then moved into an apartment this weekend.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:36pm

I do think the BF is a jerk and messes around and isn't ready to settle down. I think she only went back to him last time because BM kicked her out and that was the only place she could go.

If DH helps her either way with this apartment, I think we are going to be screwed. No way can she pay all the bills she will have on a part time minimum wage job.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Wed, 04/16/2014 - 6:27am

no, she didn't have to leave right away. she could have taken the MATURE way out, got her eggs in a basket and then left (like a lot of step mom's on this site have to do), but she has DADDY to be her safety net, DADDY will rescue her and she knows it. she doesn't HAVE to be a responsible, mature adult.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:11pm

She graduates in a month. It's not like she still has months or years to go.

If he feels the need to finally step up and be a parent when she is 18 and graduated and live with her, well I can't stop that. It is what it is.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:42pm

She stopped being a "kid" when she made the decision to have unprotected sex and get pregnant.

She made an adult choice without considering the consequences and is expecting everyone else to clean up her mess.

You are personalizing this situation and applying to your sisters circumstances to berate the OP. Stop that.

This is entirely an different situation and some tough love is in order.

alieigh21's picture

Submitted by alieigh21 on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:43pm

I agree. There is no way I could throw out either of my kids or my SD and just HOPE they are OK. Kids make mistakes and this mistake will be with her for the rest of her life.

SD wants to move out in 3 months. She is no where near ready to be on her own. Hopefully she will be OK.

new to this's picture

Submitted by new to this on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:15pm

If she is old enough to get knocked up then she is old enough to take care of herself and her baby!! it's the price you pay for being stupid!!

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:05pm

I asked him a few times- was it the parents that kicked her out or did she get mad at the BF and leave? He wont answer me (I asked via text) so I am assuming she got mad at her BF and left. Seriously she is dumb.... She probably could have stayed and then made an exit plan. Kept her baby in his home until she got an apartment.

alieigh21's picture

Submitted by alieigh21 on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:45pm

Does it really matter? If you were really unhappy with your marriage would it be wrong for you to leave?

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Wed, 04/16/2014 - 11:03am

If you are too immature to be proactive enough to have a place for your ass AND YOUR CHILD to stay at before you leave? YES IT WOULD BE WRONG TO BE HOMELESS BY CHOICE WITH A BABY

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:20pm

I have no problem with him helping her get an apartment. So many times I have made that offer to help her with things- stuff for the baby, stuff for school, and he always said "she's a mom now. She wanted to be a grown up." or "She is 18, shes an adult." So basically No we aren't going to help her. Until now....

I dont even know what to think or how I feel. If anything I just feel like this is YET another thing for us to have in between us and another thing for us to have resentment over.

Had she come here, it wouldnt be long until her and I were having issues. So it's like damned if I do, damned if I dont. He can resent me for not letting her stay. Or I can let her stay, let the drama happen and the stress and the chaos in the home, which will affect my BS and my marriage either way.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:44pm

tommar- I 100% get what you are saying.

Mine and DH's relationship is already fragile because of his kids. I have already been thinking getting married has caused even more pressure and has made me feel even more angry/sad/consumed with skid issues.

MSD has not been kind to me. It would be 50/50 if she would be on her best behavior here and not cause problems.

I dont know if I personally can handle the stress of her here and the added drama it would bring to this house and my marriage. So I am thinking, it's either me or her that I worry about and I am going to worry about me.

DH can do whatever it takes to help her out. I am not mad at him for that. But she can not come to this house. She cant be trusted.

I think I would be so resentful of having to deal with her and baby while DH would just go about his business. I know my DH. I would resent having to watch over my stuff and check to see if she stole anything. And once she is staying with us, then the other skids will think they can come over whenever or they can move in. They wont understand we did it to help the GB. Then I have to deal with the various issues with them.

Maybe I am being selfish and maybe I am putting the final nail in the coffin but I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should be more worried about the outcome if she stays or just deal with it as it is now and deal with these issues.

ETA- and I am pretty pissed that I have to even deal with this b.s. And think about it and be stressed about it.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:14pm

Thank you Smile And I too have 4 skids, 21, 20, 18 and 15. 3 girls. It's kind of bad. I am only 32. It's hard to handle. I have a SM and had a SD and I never even thought to treat my SPs the way I have been treated before.

alieigh21's picture

Submitted by alieigh21 on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:52pm

I remember hating my SM and SF. SF deserved it. He hit me and eventually hit my mom. When I think back SM was just in a really awkward place. She did the best she could.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:02pm

I understand you're upset and confused with what all is happening right now (especially since DH is being so tight lipped)...but I don't get quite where all you're coming from. You state you'd be willing to help SD get an apartment but then state you'd be mad if DH took the $140 to help get his daughter an apartment.

I think everyone telling and advising so many opinions here perhaps has you fearing the worse and that somehow your marriage to about to go under. From what little you're been able to relay so far, I'm not getting the idea that DH is leaving you or ending or marriage at all. You said the SD can't come to your home and he's respecting that. She's not in your home, but he is taking time to be with her and help set her up. I'm not understanding quite why you're feeling your marriage is doomed. He said he's coming back as soon as SD is settled.

Is it your personal money he used for the whatever he did with the $140 and he failed to tell you he helped himself to your personal money? Is it joint money? Is it his money that he needs for his own part of your household expenses? Or is it just the fact he's leaving you in the dark right now?

I'd stop asking what happened that the SD is homeless. Does it really matter why? fact still remains she is and he intends to assist her in setting up a place to stay. So why keep asking (yeah, I get you're curious but does the reason to why did this occur really matter now?) Why she got her a$$ booted (or she just fled) wouldn't be of interest really to me in the thick of what's happening now. How is he helping her? Whose money is he using? When is he coming home? How soon will she be set up and your home life can go back to normal? These are the things that would concern me at the moment. He doesn't intend to abandon her (whether right or wrong, should or shouldn't), he isn't going to. She can't just hang in an vacant for long, so obviously he has to be doing something today that helps her get set up (I'm assuming agencies/govt. programs) and you maybe perhaps don't have to be feeling so threatened and/or doomed as you currently are feeling.

I don't think he's left you, isn't coming home soon or that your marriage just went ka-put. He's given you no indication these are the things happening. He hasn't been a over involved concerned parent all these years, I can't imagine he plans to move in with SD now and hold her hand after he sees she has a place to live , someone to watch baby (govt assisted daycare) ect. I may be very wrong, but I think crisis will be over soon.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:16pm

I dont care if he gives her money for deposit or first months rent. I do care if he co-signs or signs a lease for her. Because basically he is signing up to pay rent for the term of the lease and we can not afford that. We can afford to help out but not do it long term. It's his money.

I guess why I feel so doomed is that how can he not resent me over this? I would feel the same way. Even though there are so many other factors that go into it. He doesnt see his daughter the way I know she is and how she has treated me.

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:40pm

I don't think you are doomed even if DH does resent you over this. I think you have stood your ground on your boundary, which probably is causing some resentment and DH is probably feeling like he's dealing with the crisis all alone. BUT you can still be a team player for your DH so he doesn't have to feel all alone. You can look up info on shelters/other resources, you can contact the social worker at the high school to see if they have resources that she can be referred to, and you can tell your DH that you don't mind him helping, you just can't live with her. Give him ideas on how he can help her in ways that will not upset you. Then back off and let him do what he needs to for his kid.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:32pm

She has a car. I dont know if she paid outright for it or is making payments. We offered to buy her a starter car. She didnt want that. She wanted us to co-sign for a $5000 car which we wouldnt. But she does have wheels.

I think BM, YSD, BF's family and her friend's mom were all watching GB while she is in school/work (she only goes from 7-9, 3 days a week) and then she works part time.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 5:46pm

She told me on Thanksgiving- "I got a job because I was bored."

Yes she only goes to school for a few hours. She has all of her credits, but not the hours. The classes she is taking are not requirements or count for anything towards her diploma.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:15pm

She said she got accepted into the nursing program at our state college (which is a very good college). She is very book smart.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:05pm

Many people here said BM was awful for kicking this kid out when she refused to pay rent. Many felt that mom should have helped her out because she was working and going to school. Now her dad is trying to help her out and now he's awful as well. :?
I bet something happened with her and the BF. If that is the case, I say kudos to her for leaving NOW. How many women her shag posted about being stuck in an awful relationship? Many tell them to go to family and friends for help. This kid did just that.

Yeah, She has made dumb choices, but she is tryin to do the right thing(working and staying in school). As long as she's taking the necessary steps to be able to support herself and child, I think dad helping her out is a good thing.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:19pm

I agree with this Disney. I was "mad" that BM would kick out her own daughter and GB. I am not mad at DH at all for helping her out. Rationally thinking about it, I know its the right thing to do.

I just hate how I am the bad guy because I wont let her come here. How him helping her out, has caused some tension in our marriage. Damn it if he would have just deal with the issues the many times I BEGGED him too in the past we might not even be in this position. Sad

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:17pm

I have tried so many times to help her out and extend a hand to have my ideas rejected by DH. So frustrating. When I finally stop trying and stop giving a damn is when he wants to now step up.

I dont know what I am going to do (if anything) moving forward.....

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:22pm

Zerostep, I really really feel for you. SD28 and her (then) 4 mos old baby were THIS CLOSE to moving in with DH, DD and me. She had outworn her welcome with baby daddy. Her own mother "didn't have room". Yes, she's that difficult. DH and I were prepared to make it work, but honestly, I don't think our marriage would have survived. Thank goodness she found someone to live with at the last minute. I fully support you in not letting her move in. When there's bad history, you just have to stand strong to protect yourself and your own k id.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:30pm

Thank you. This is so hard. I am always so forgiving and open to helping people. I never knew how hurt I could be by other people until I had to deal with DH/skids. Not DH per say but his behavior because of the skids.

I can be forgiving and open but once you keep screwing me over and then BAM it just hits me one day and I am DONE. And its just like that, my feelings change.

I may be open to talking with her after things have settled down. Explain to her my stance and why I made the choice I did. Offer some help if she has her own place- stuff for her apartment, babysit for baby here and there. But I am mostly disengaged and feel in a way I need to stay that way to protect ME. But at the same time I think it would make DH feel better and help our marriage if I was a little more forgiving. But I feel like you give an inch and they take a mile and I have been down this road before.....

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 9:31pm

Ya know, it's hard for me to just say, "Well, she's only 18 and still in school and blah, blah, blah."

My parents were teenagers when they had me. My mother had just turned 18 and my dad was not quite 18 when they got married. Yet, somehow, he managed to go to school and support my mother and then both of us after I was born. They did what they had to do and they grew up fast, their childhood was over. They both ended up being successful in computer programming and engineering.

Is 18 still a child? In many ways, yes, but when you make the decision to have a child, you need to grow up and do what you need to do. It is not up to your parents anymore. As far as I know, we never lived with either set of my grandparents, ever. We have never even lived in the same city as my grandparents since I was 2 years old.

I have told my husband over and over. SD has made her decisions, whether she was mature enough or not, they were her decisions and I am not going to pay the consequences. And neither should he.

Zerostepdrama, your MSD has options and we both know that. Obviously, she could work more, she could do what she needs to do to live at the BF's or BM's. She could have signed up for the many government programs available to her. She could have not treated you the way she has. She could have given the baby up for adoption if she was not ready to make the sacrifices one has to make to be a mother. The choices she's made have been hers and she needs to be held accountable for them. I just wish your DH could see that. She does not need him to save her, she just needs to grow the fuck up, ready or not.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Wed, 04/16/2014 - 7:00am

Thank you everyone for your responses. Having support like this has made me feel so much better. I hate being blindsided by the drama/stress/skid situations and quite frankly before this even happened I was just plain old tired of dealing with skid stuff already.

Okay to answer some questions:

I only suggested she suck it up and deal with BF(if that is why she left) until she got her own place, assuming he wasn't abusive. I'm never about staying in a crappy relationship but sometimes you do have to suck things up and get your exit plan. In my head its just stupid to leave when you have no guaranteed place to go and you have a baby and your resources are already limited. She could have called DH, explained the situation and asked for his help. Not just left over a fight that her BF is a player. It's not like he had to continue being her BF or that she couldnt go and sleep on the couch until she moved out.

Would I want my marriage to end over this? No. But I have told DH from day 1 that his kids could never live with us because of all the issues and problems they have caused. He knows I can barely handle it when they come over for visits. He should be pretty aware of how I feel about his kids. I told him plenty of times it would be a dealbreaker. Even our counselor when we were going said it would be a bad idea for his kids to ever live with us. But if MSD moved in, our marriage would likely end anyways. I would feel pushed into a corner. I would be resentful in the fact that I didnt have a real say in anything. Yes he may resent me for not allowing her to stay.We both can't have our own way. He can be mad at me for not allowing her to stay but I can be mad at him for even putting me in this position and even asking. He KNOWS how adamant I am about it.

As far as helping MSD out long term. DH is playing super dad for now and stepping in but he has a history of flaking out. That is just how he is. He thinks he is being a great dad by helping her get this apartment but once the dust settles he will go back to his old ways. It seems he helped with the deposit. That is good and I am fine with that. I am even fine with helping for the first month or helping with supplies or groceries until she gets settled. But long term no. DH wouldnt commit to that. At the end of the day she is an adult and she made the choice to have a baby. DH has 3 other kids as well. If he offers long term help to 1, then the other 3 are going to need it because the other 3 have just as screwed up lives in some degree as MSD does.

I dont think DH would even be okay with MSD living her with GB on a long term basis. Why? Because he would have to deal with another kid and a baby and he doesnt want to do that. SS20 is the last kid that has lived with him full time and SS did his own thing and DH did his own thing. DH didnt really have to parent SS- he let him run the streets. So DH hasn't really had a kid in the house that he would have to give actual attention to in a long time. SS was always out with his friends. MSD would be around more. Even with school and work. Plus DH isn't the "Grandpa" type. He would get tired of watching the GB. He would have to change his lifestyle and I dont think he would.

That is another reason why I am so against them coming here. It would be ME that would be most affected. DH would go about his business and leave me to deal with everything.

Okay I think I answered some of the questions.... I do have some updates:

DH came home lastnight, but I was already asleep. This morning I was a little annoyed/hurt with him (Seperate post about that)so we didnt really talk.

But he did say it was the BF's mom that kicked her out. And MSD is disgusted with the BF. So that is all I know about that.

He said she is working full time now (I guess 3 weeks ago when we last saw her she was only working p/t but now its f/t.) She also collects social security benefits for the baby until he is 5 because he was born premature. She also is going to file for child support but said she would have to wait until school is over to go down to the CS office but really she can just print the paperwork out and send it in, I did that with my Ex.

I asked if she can really afford the apartment and he said yes. So okay. He assured me he did not co-sign for her or help in any way get the lease.

Thanks again everyone I really do appreciate it. (((HUGS)))