My Father's Day - update :) went from hell to heaven (long)
PART 1)
Well the day started off BAD. BM had changed her # a few weeks ago and had given it to FH but he had told me that he didn't have it and had to call her mom to get hold of her. Well I found out that it was a LIE and that she had told him "I don't want Kaff having my # because I don't want drama with her"..and FH had gone along with it - WTF!!! I was FURIOUS and basically told him go to hell..he went out and I went out Friday night and fought all night. I was furious because once again I felt that he had confidences with BM behind my back. He said it didn't happen like that he just didn't want anymore drama between her and I and that he only uses her # for their son and any time she has done anything towards me he has called her himself so there is no need for me to call her. Fine .. whatever. I now have the # and she KNOWS I have it as I told her FH hides nothing from me (a lie but she doesn't need to know that). I told FH that him and I need to be a united front no matter what..and handle our own personal business in our home.
I did talk to a few male friends who DID show me FH's point of view and I calmed down alot. I also realized that I ATTACK FH alot..not talk..but ATTACK..I need to truly work on that..and really let small things go. I'm not good at that. I'm very emotional and quick tempered. (you wouldn't know it by how I write on steptalk though).
So we talked for hours and basically just moved on.
PART 2) FH FINALLY SEES BM PLAYS HIM LIKE A PUPPET
So about 1pm FH left to go pick up my SS from his Gma's house (he had slept over) and than he was going to go to BM's to pick up other SS2. Well he comes home with only my SS5. FH actually showed me the text messages between him and BM. He had told her he would be at her house at 1 earlier in the day. So about 1250 on his way to pick up SS5 he called her. She told him..I'm out to lunch right now go to my house and WAIT for me but if your NOT there when I get there I'm leaving again..NOW FH has told her before just drop SS off at the house and she refuses (because she doesn't have the courage to see me)..so now she is telling FH to WAIT at her house? lol..I guess FH said ok..and hung up the phone than REALIZED what he was doing and sent her a text that said "NO I'm not WAITING. I told you the time I would be there..if that is the case keep SS. If you can't drop him off at MY house I'm not going to WAIT at yours."
She kept calling FH all afternoon and he refused to answer the phone..GOOD for HIM! I told him I was VERY proud of him...I did feel bad that he didn't get to spend father's day with his son..but SOOO happy he stood up to BM.
We than went on to just go out to eat with SS5 and my BD13.
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Comments
Looks like some progress Kaff
I'm glad for you and for FH.
Now that you have BM's phone #, my advice to you is to NEVER USE IT. You don't need the drama of dealing with her either.
I don't plan on it
I don't plan on ever using it..just that alone will show that I'm NOT the one that starts the drama..but she is beginning to dig her own hole anyways. But I DID want her to know that I have it, she thinks FH gave it to me which is fine with me if she wants to continue thinking that. MANY times I have told FH..just have her drop SS off here at our house with SS5 so they can play (on FH's days anyways..just earlier than 9pm when he gets out of work) she ALWAYS says no.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
the phone number...
Why do you need to have BM's number? I couldn't care less what BM number was, as my husband is the one that deals with the communication.
I think is important to have it if I'm taking care of SD5 without my DH here, because you never know. I actually had to use it once for an emergency...
Ultimately is BM's phone number, and I think she should have the right to choose who has her number and who does not. I don't see your FH as "hiding something from you" although there was a lil' lie there, because at first he said that "he didn't have it" he should have told you straight up what was going on.
I don't think you have problems with the new girlfriend/wife of your Ex husband, but wouldn't you want your EX to respect your wishes if you didn't want her to call you and if you didn't want her to have your number?
Of course, If you DO take care of SS2 when DH is not around, I think having BM's number is a MUST.
If I had to deal with my son's spermfather's wife/gf and if she took care of my son, I would GIVE her my number and take hers...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
I can say having BM's number is easier for me
So I know when she's calling me. My phone is my work phone and if I don't recognize the number I always answer it. So I've programmed it into my phone with my nickname for her and a funny ringtone (right now it's "can't touch this") and a picture of my middle finger pops up when she calls.
It makes answering her calls, if I choose to much more pleasant.
Gia
Under normal circumstances I could care less if I had her # or not but because of the past situations that have arisen with her and my FH and the fact that I feel that there has been some loyalty broken with him and her having confidence behind my back about me..it is a HUGE thing for me. I never just CALLED BM out of the blue and started drama with her..she is the one that has in the past made up stories about her and my FH "going out drinking together"..she is the one that has texted my FH at 11pm at night asking how "he is doing"..so for him to have her # behind my back and being in "confidence" with her to keep it from me was very hurtful to me for a number of reasons. One..the fact that Ifeel that he once again had a confidence with her about me behind my back..if she had just given him the # and not mentioned my name that it's whatever..but to say "I don't want you giving this to Kaff..and he was just like ok.." disrespect me in MY opinion. He did not stand up for me and say "well I don't have to just give it to her BUT you are the one that has caused issues in the past and that is WHY she called you to confront you".
To me it's BM's way of hiding..she can continue to drive down my street..glare at my daughter, beep her horn at me and as long as I don't have her # she feels that I can't confront her.
FH should hide NOTHING from me when it comes to her.Not with our history.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
Kaff,
I totally understand the whole "lying to you" part, I said that he should have told you straight up like "hey, I have BM's Phone number" and period... I understand, you didn't want the number, you wanted the truth, I'm with you there!
And yes, it is probably BM's way of manipulating the situation. If you are a caregiver when DH is not around (of SS2) having her phone number is a must!
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
No I'm not
I mean I DO care for him when FH is around anyways because most of the time FH is outside or something..but I don't NEED to have her number, in fact I've thought of just erasing it..but to actually care for him like watch him when FH is say at work or anything..no..BM is now doing the whole "my son won't be there when your not home". Even though early one she told me she trust me more with her son because I'm a good mom and she actually asked me to babysit once."
Whatever.I'm not dealing with her drama on a personal level anymore
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
YAY!!!
This is EXACTLY what FH has to do to get thru to her that he is not taking her crap anymore, but he has to be consistent. The more times she sees that it is no longer going to be HER way, the weaker she becomes. Of course, as SS gets older, she will more than likely try to turn it all around and make it seem like "Daddy just doesn't care", but FH will have his opportunity to set the record straight when the time is right. This is EXACTLY what he has to do Kaff. We had many holiday plans ruined due to BM and her idea "I'll do what I feel like doing", and there were many times DH and I were alone with no kids and it sucked because we were not going to waiver, BUT we knew this was the only way to let her know once and for all that SHE was not going to dictate our lives. Kudos!!!
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
BM Phone #
Well we were getting a lot of calls from bill collectors for BM, even though my house was never hers, so I got fed up -- I gave them her cell #.
She was livid!! Well guess what, I am livid too having to pick up calls once a week from bill collectors. And I don't care if Caller ID would help me identify them, I answer all calls & tell the truth. When they asked if I knew how to reach her I said, call her cell. She's lucky I didn't give them her mom's/sister's home numbers too.