ADHD and Depression Question
Hi all,
I just got back from a few months out of the country courtesy of Uncle Sam, and of course I had to see what the ladies at ST were up to.
While I was gone, BM did her usual ramp up in communication with DH. Apparently I am such an evil influence (and she thinks that DH is that gullible while I'm gone) that it's worthless to try to guilt him or sweet talk him while I am at home. Among her shenanigans were telling DH that she still has feelings for him, demanding that he "make up for" missed visitation monetarily, announcing that she was moving for the 6th time in 7 years, (meanwhile, DH has lived in the same town the entire time - so much for military being unstable) and the subject of this post, which really concerns me.
BM appears to *want* SD13 to be labeled, IMO. She was diagnosed as ADHD two years ago, but has never been medicated because the doctor didn't think it was neccessary. (Of course, SD13 tries to use this diagnosis as an excuse for not thinking before she talks or moves - being insulting or tromping all over my feet) SD13 has also been in therapy for two years as well - BM thinks it's very healthy for her. This is all paid for by DH's medical coverage for SD, so it's not costing BM a dime.
Recently, when faced with the news that they were moving AGAIN, SD13 announced that she hated her life and wished she was dead. This threw BM into hysterics. SD13's therapist (I'm guessing it's someone who has a BA in counseling, as opposed to a MD) wants her on ADHD medicine and antidepressants, but cannot prescribe. SD's doctor (psychiatrist) does not think any medication is needed. BM called DH demanding that he get the insurance to allow a specific psychiatrist who will prescribe the meds the therapist thinks are needed. This second doctor is not covered by Tricare, and the first one is. Is it just me, or does this sound like doctor-shopping in order to drug the kid into docility rather than parenting her?
SD13 gets As and Bs in school, but is not popular. She is obese and stress-eats at home after school where she is stuck every day looking after her 5-yr-old half brother. BM is very big on showing emotions, both positive and negative - she will smother SD with kisses and declarations of love, and scream at her for "being rude" the next minute. So of course SD thinks that mood swings and excessive displays of emotion are normal. She has (not in these words) called me a cold fish for keeping my cool and has literally accused me of not loving her because I'm not declaring it every hour.
Between moving, SD13's physical issues, her emotional environment, and the insanity that is female adolescence (I think you ladies know what I mean) I am leaning toward the opinion that she's just going through a rough patch. She is NOT a cutter, she doesn't have trichtomania, (I think that's what it's called - compulsively pulling your hair out - I did that one) she gets good grades, and has seemed sunny-tempered enough every time I have seen her. I worry that she might develop an eating disorder, but there haven't been any drastic changes in her weight other than steadily increasing. (She is 5'3" and 180 or so)
School me please - I have not had any experience with ADHD or depression, or dealing with a child with either of these. Am I crazy? The question is mostly moot, as I do NOT talk to BM, but DH certainly listens to (and in this case agrees with) me.
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The demands are typical BM
I'm with you on the meds - while they make life a lot better for some people, they tend to lead people to label you, and it's hard as heck to get away from them, as I know from personal experience.
We already know that SD is at risk for addiction - DH and at least two of his
siblings drink (or used to) in a way that is at least slightly disturbing, and SD's grandfather went to AA for the last 20 years of his life. That's just on her father's side, so there's no telling what is lurking on her mama's side of the family. *That* we're prepared for. That we know how to warn against and watch for and support recovery from. ADD/ADHD? I have no ideas of the symptoms, or the specific difficulties. How common is it? How often is it misdiagnosed? Does it have to be treated with chemicals, or wouldn't coping tactics and techniques be more useful and longer-lasting? I just don't know.
The medical insurance is military medical - Tricare. BM was authorized a counselor, and authorized a psychiatrist in the network. Apparently, the *specific* MD she wanted (who would write the scripts) was not a Tricare-authorized doctor. BM wanted DH (the insurance customer) to put in an application to be granted an exception for this doctor. Tricare is a bit rigid about doctors, second opinions, and what is covered for dependents who are not at/near a military base, so I can almost sympathize if she were reasonably about asking for help, rather than demanding things be her way.
~Trish
What sort of behaviour does she exhibit
that got her diagnosed with ADHD? What you have described here doesn't really fit. She sounds more depressed and 'teenagery' than ADHD.
Does she exhibit any hyperactive tendancies? An ADHD kid without coping skills would be unlikely to get A's and B's in school. Is she being tutored?
I am ADD and got very bad grades despite being quite intellegent. I was also 'chubby' and teased at school. I was only around 135-140 at 5'4 but the teasing was torture. I remember wanting to die sometimes too...but of course it was more a cry for attention and help. I never did anything serious.
I, thankfully, had a Mother that recognized my ADD and I was tutored and taught coping skills that have served me well. I pulled up my grades and graduated with honors with a degree in communications. I still have trouble with procrastination (like right now), but that can be controlled.
Anyway...why was she diagnosed with ADHD? And...if it were serious (there are varying degrees of severity) the Dr. would have prescribed something.
One (very unscientific) test you could do...give the kid a coffee. If she reacts 'normally' - (hyper, jittery) then there is a chance she is not ADHD. If she reacts 'abnormally' - doesn't affect her or she gets sleepy...well then, that's a typical ADHD reaction.
Ritalin and drugs like it are stimulants. People with severe ADD and ADHD react in the opposite ways to drugs b/c they are 'wired' a little differently. I used to know kids that sold their Ritalin to non-AD(H)D kids so they could get high.
"It was more a cry for attention and help"
Exactly what I was thinking! Between being in a household with a drama queen and a small child (who demands a lot of attention simply by being a small child) I'm thinking it takes quite a lot to even get noticed.
SD13 has been drinking coffee (diluted to sugared milk with a little coffee when she was younger) since she was little, and I've never seen her really react at all. It doesn't calm her, or make her sleepy. She has a tendency to announce she has a question and then trail off and not say anything because she forgot what she was saying, and she is a total klutz. The most commonly heard phrase around the house is "Slow down and pay attention to what you're doing!" referring to thinking, answering questions, and moving around. That's the only reason I can think why she'd be diagnosed.
~Trish
Second opinion
Maybe BM would accept a 2nd opinion from someone who is on the plan. Maybe you can pointblank ask BM, are you trying to medicate SD and why?
Not that you could get to the bottom of it, but at least she will know you are watching her actions with some concern for SD.
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
First...glad you are back!
Hope you had a great time! Where did you go? I LOVE England!
Anyway, sounds to me like it isnt ADHD at all, but rather learned behaviors. Which is likely WHY the psychiatrist wont prescribe. Most of them are VERY smart to the difference. I would ignore BM's demands and continue to treat SD as a NORMAL 13yo who "wants to die". Hell, we probably ALL have said that a time or two in our youth!
NCMilGal
SD 15 over here has been seeing a counselor for a little over 1 year now and is also on anti-depressants and a night time sleep aid to get her mind to stop racing. (Also for about 1 year now). BM is also like you describe. She oohs and ahhs over SD on one hand, and then will say something like "Ugh... why do you have to wear THAT" or something to that effect. SD gets straight A's and is actually in Honors classes and extremely bright. She is not a heavy girl, but she does vacillate between low self esteem and narcissism. I'm just stating all of that to tell you where my opinion is coming from.
The first thing I think that you may want to do is talk to your SD 13 about her original counselor and see how she feels that is going. You may not need to look for another psychiatrist. You may need to look for another counselor.
When SD over here first started counseling, we went to someone that was recommended. Her approach was sort of the whole "bright and sunny, let's look to the future" kind of approach. That didn't really help SD. When SD would confide in her about something, the counselor would ask her what she wanted to be when she grew up. We made SD stick with the counselor for about 1 month because the counselor said something SD didn't like. So we wouldn't let her change for that reason. However, when we realized that the counselor was not working for her... it wouldn't help her move forward, that's when we changed.
I'm wondering, since your SD is still having issues with eating, etc. if the counselor is getting deep enough.
It may be that your SD needs antidepressants. I have to tell you that they have helped SD over here to get over the hump. Psychiatrists DO NOT like really to prescribe them to teenagers. But the doctor here explained that SD had been depressed for a long time and that if let go, depression can actually almost "rewire" the brain to consistently go a negative route, instead of a learned positive route. In order for the therapy and new coping skills to work, he wanted to have the medication help her "chemicals in her brain". This is what DH and I were told.
The meds have helped and we have gotten lucky in that she only had to try 2 before we found the one that works for her (Lexapro). Also, she didn't exhibit some of the side effects that are so scary. Psychiatrist also prescribed Seroquel to help her sleep at night.
NOW for the downside... SD was depressed due to the living situation, custody arrangement and some real issues with her mom. She is going to counseling to learn how to deal with her mom and her own feelings about her mom. The counselor is also talking to her about starting to taper down the meds so that she can work on her coping skills. SD is afraid of this. She's afraid that without the medication she will feel as bad as she did before. It's not that she's addicted. When she first was prescribed she made sure to take the meds right on time and would be scared if she didn't. Now, she's taking them, but it's not her first priority. It's like security. So, now is the time to start weaning her off. But she's scared.
I know that medication is a scary route and it's not your first choice. Believe me, it wasn't ours. But SD was suicidal and withdrawn and depressed. She is so much better today than a year ago. I don't think it was all the meds or all the counseling. I think it was a good combination of both.
Please see if your SD's counselor is really serving her and helping her confront her issues, or if the counselor is just not relating to the child. And if the counselor is not the issue, then maybe the medication is warranted. In my own humble opinion of course.
Best of luck. If you want to talk - pm me and I'll give you my cell!