Question for all you parents out there.....
I want to ask a question for all the parents out there.
I want to know what you guys think about telling your children how you really feel about their BM/BD?? Do you think this is an appropriate topic to discuss with your children?? Or is this something that should not be heard by them??
I ask this because tonight my SD5 told me something at the dinner table tonight that concerned me. She said that BM had told her that BM doesn't like her daddy. I asked her why she thought her BM had told her that. She said "I don't know why she told me that. She just whispered in my ear that she doesn't like my daddy". WTF??? Why would BM tell her five year old daughter this. I can't stand BM at all but yet, I would never tell SD this. She doesn't need to hear negative things about her BM/BD. I don't think that is right to tell your child. Especially a five year old.
So, I was just wondering what the rest of you thought??
- TattooedMommy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Not right at all...
On any level at any age for any reason. I have learned that usually when one parent talks alot of crap about a parent it comes back to bite them... The child looses respect for the trash talker... Just be the best parents you cab be when SD is with you... Never trash talk her mother... Just give BM a little rope & watch her hang herself.
Nope never have, son figured
Nope never have, son figured out for himself at a rather early age. Thankfully he has a great step-dad, but if he didn't he would still be fine.
I completly agree with
I completly agree with conflicted on this one as much as i'd love to tell my skids their mom is an idiot and i cant stand her i wouldnt this was totally not right to tell ur sd
**kats**
oooh, good answer - filing that away
When skids told me, our mom doesn't like you and it wasn't that they were telling me that to hurt my feelings. I could tell they were saying it like it caused them conflict their mom telling them that. I just swallowed all of my bile and lied, lied, lied through my teeth. I said, "That's too bad because I like your mom. She seems like a neat lady. I really wish she could get her life together."
BM was a druggie at the time and the skids knew exactly what I was saying. I knew if I could get that lie out and sound convincing with it, BM would look like the bitter a-hole and I'd be the bigger person.
Never appropriate... BM
Never appropriate... BM telling the child that she doesn't like daddy is like putting down half of the child.
wrong on many levels
My sons father pulled a similar trick by telling choochoo "mommy and me aren't friends anymore...mommy doesn't love me anymore so she left."
My little boy would come to me and tell me he hated me for hurting his daddy and leaving him.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
BBB, I can relate
Before I got remarried, my son's father told him he still loved me and wanted to still be married to me but that I didn't want to be with him. Luckily, my son never responded negatively towards me and handled it well but I feared, it was a form of PAS and was afraid my son would blame me. What I've never told my son, and don't plan to anytime soon is that his dad was a very emotionally abusise, selfish, controlling, manipulative, vindicative uncaring jerk to me not to mention the awful parent he was/is. He never saw he was responsible for the failure of our marriage nor had any issues and had no plans to change ANYTHING. THAT is why I left him.
My new DH would NEVER say anything bad about my sons father in front of him despite his father treating my DH very disprectfully - in front of our son!. My wonderful DH has never done anything to deserve my EH's disrepect. I believe my EH will eventually dig his own grave without my help
SD asked me once
why her mom and dad didn't love each other anymore and my answer to her was "well sweetheart, generally people who get divorced don't love each other anymore and that's ok because they don't have to like each other to still love you." But also when asked directly if I like their mom, I no longer sugar coat it. I tell them no, their mom and I don't like each other and that's perfectly fine because not all people in the world have to like each other. There comes a time where reality is reality and I will no longer lie about liking BM.... I don't bad mouth her, but I won't pretend to like her either.
MY Sd are teens
and they pretty much figured things out on own. Needless to say, there are times when it can get hard NOT to say such things, but we are all human. I admit, I have said some mean things once of twice over last 7 years, but have apologized once regained myself. I have never said "I hate ----" to anyone, as hate just gives that other person control over you. I do tell my BS and SD's that I do not like choices that their other parents make.
This is such a good topic,
This is such a good topic, because BM is allays telling her kids negative things about us and our extended families. She was the one who left. After being with my husband for 23 years, She decided she was gay and chose to leave him for her lesbian lover. And now she is all that, and of course we are the bad ones. And we don't tell them anything. She has had to claim bankruptcy and she didn't pay any of the taxes on the restaurant they owned for years and in the divorce my dh found out that they owed $90,000 in back taxes. She stole money from the township that she did the books for. Yeah, she has an accountant degree, and has had about 40 jobs because she can't manage to keep on for to long. But now that she's claimed bankruptcy, she seems to have all this money, and is lavishing the kids with gifts, while we are struggeling to make our payments. The kids have no idea all the damage she has done, and they defend her to the end. Its because she is gay so we need to feel sorry for her....whatever...who cares.....just want the kids to know the truth, but they would still defend her.......
I will admit that I have
I will admit that I have badmouthed BM to the kids. At the time I did it when BM would say or do something that I felt was wrong for her to do or say around them. I also have only done this 2 or 3 times then I just smartened up and stopped doing it because I started noticing the kids seeing her for who she really is at times. I have also gotten told that BM has badmouthed me and still does. But now if I had anything negative to say I simply come here or just try to blow it off.
I hate BM
She bashes me and DH 24/7 with skids. I never say a word about her though. I don't think it's right but to get them involved but we have had to sit the kids down and interrogage them to find out why they are so nasty when they come back from her house. Then, we address every lie she put into their little brains and send them back deprogrammed.
I am very angry about it but I try not to involve skids even though their mother is a mean and hateful low life scum bag.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
BF and I agreed
that we would never say anything to Scooty (SD5)that was negative or pushed her to think in a certain direction when it came to her BM. But we also agreed that when she is past the age of 18 and old enough to make decisions and judgements herself that we won't lie. BM has continuously blocked us from having joint custody, or letting us spend more time with Scooty. So when Scooty is an adult and asks her daddy why he didn't love her more, then we're going to give her the truth. We keep a folder of all emails, notes, everything...we will simply turn this over to her so she can make her own decision.
"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."
Thanks for the responses....
Luckykell, I agree with you 150% on this. I think it is a terrible thing to tell the children anything negative about their BM/BD. I know from personal experience (my mom has always, and still does to this day, bash my dad every chance she gets, and they have been divorced for over twenty years) that the children feel like shit when they hear negative things about their parents. They don't understand what is going on and should not be put in the middle. Secondly, it makes YOU look like an ass for the things you say. Thirdly, it will ALWAYS get back to the BM/BD/SM/SD and will only cause more drama.
My DH and I have a folder about three feet deep with all the bs that BM has caused. All the e-mails withholding visitation, the blogs bashing us, myspace updates, etc. And we have agreed that when she turns 18 we will just turn it over to SD5 so she can see what a horrible person her BM really is. Although, we don't think it will take that long for her to figure that out. Especially if BM continues to bash us openly in front of her daughter.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
BM and DH
have a clause in their parenting agreement that says they will NEVER speak ill of the other in front of the kids (now 16 and 15). However, I know that BM does say bad things about both me and DH to both of the kids (we have ample evidence of this).
If the children were younger, I would say that under no circumstances would I ever engage in that kind of behavior. However, they are older now, and though I do not believe in badmouthing their mother in front of them, there have been a couple of cases in the recent past where we have learned that BM has been telling them lies about us. In that case, I reserve the right to set the record straight. I am always very careful to know in my heart that I am not "saying bad things" about BM. Rather, I am telling them "the truth." I reserve my comments to objectively verifiable facts. So, I will not say, "Your mom is an a-hole." But I WILL say, "What your mother told you about situation X is not true. Here is the truth..." The children can choose for themselves whom to believe.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Not only do I not say a bad word about BM to step kids
When the SKIDS make an observation that is negative about BM, I try to generalize it and back her up as their "Mom". I hate it but secretly I feel that is the sweetest revenge and I do not have a hand in it at all and the SKIDS are figuring it out on their own.
At the end of the day, kids love their Birth parents and want their acceptance until they mature , at least.