..with the idea of adopting SD.

I know it's silly, but I think the thought has always been in the back of my mind, I just have never allowed myself to entertain the idea. Maybe because of guilt because she has a bio mom and I have never wanted to replace that. And maybe because of fear that there is no chance it will ever happen.

It's crazy, but I almost find myself jealous of other posters who have been dealing with worse BM situations than I, as I get to thinking, "If only BM did that, I know the Court would be able to terminate her rights".

Please feel free to tell me how nuts I sound.I do feel very sorry for those in the situations, I don't mean at all they are lucky.

I feel I have reached the end of my rope in wishing for BM's recovery, I've been forced by BM to abandon the fairy tale "one big happy family" dream I had when DH and I first got together, and my logical mind is looking for an absolute resolution. Before I was ever so content with the fact that I will always be the "bonus" parent and it will be up to Dh and BM to make all the decisions for SD. With me having input on DH's side of course. I was okay with sitting back and being "just the step mom" in SD's life. I'm feeling quite different now.

The Judge's statement to BM that this is her last chance to do right and she is facing never seeing SD again, has me seeing the light at the end of this tunnel, and now that I've allowed myself a glimpse, I just can't stop thinking of it.

Tomorrow night is sneek a peek for SD to get a look at her classroom and meet her teacher. This is her FIRST experience with school, BM is not allowed any contact with SD at this time, and DH will be working. It's just going to be me taking her.

Five years ago, I would have said it was not possible that I would be the first and only one to take SD to her fist day of school, yet here I am.

I love SD so very much, and I want to protect her from any harm. I see BM wasting her relationship with SD, and being the worst example to her. It makes me want to jump up and down, raise my hand and say, "Oooh, me, me, let me do it!"

Maybe part of me allowing myself to think this way now is because I am a bio mom now too. Before, I took to heart some of what BM would say, "you can't know what it's like, you don't have a child." Now that I do have a bio child, I can see how my feelings and thoughts about what was best for SD were just the same as what I feel as a bio parent.

BM is mentally ill, and her illness makes it impossible for her to make decisions that are in the best interests of the child. Or anyone else for that matter. Maybe it makes me a pessamist now, but while I know some people go on to lead normal healty lives once they learn to manage their bipolar disorder, I cannot allow myself to believe BM will ever be one of those people. I will not allow myself to trust her again. To me, she has taken a great unnecessary risk of causing or allowing harm to come to one of the most precious things in my life, SD, and she should NEVER be allowed another opportunity to do so.

Please feel free to give me your thoughts.

I know I can and do have just as much of an influence on SD as BM does, with our without legally adopting her.

DH and my feeling of termination of BM's rights are more than simply that. It's also that as long as BM retains her rights to SD, we will face having to go back to court who knows how many times between now and when SD turns 18. While we will go as many times as needed to keep SD safe, it weighs heavy on our family emotionally and financially. SD suffers from that as well.

I want to make it clear that regardless of my legal status to SD, I will never lie to her or deny who her biological mother is. She has every right to know where and from whom she came. And I could see that even if, after termination of her rights, bm were to miraculously get herself, and keep herself together, DH and I could consider allowing some contact to SD. The wonderful part of that would be that she would have no legal right to contact, and no right to take us back to court. DH and I would be solely responsible and able to make decisions about what is best for SD.

Honestly, after Dh has had to file suit in family court every year since SD was born, I think that the Judge can see a light at the end of their tunnel by termination of BM's rights too. I get that this is their job, but I know it is a difficult one. Especially when you see a repeat offender like BM showing no consideration for her child, yet insisting on fighting any attempt to allow that child a healthy life.

whew! happy to get that off my chest. Now maybe the thoughts I've been having can settle on this page instead of swirling around in my head repatedly.

Sorry this is so long,

And thank you for the time,

Shell