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Would you continue to make a STINK...

mommyamor's picture

Submitted by mommyamor on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 9:35am

about SO never bringing his kids around because he wants to avoid the hand full of SHYT its going to cause in your household??? Or would you count it as a blessing, enjoy the peace in your home and who gives a hoot if he doesnt spend ample amount of time with his spawn??

I've been pushing SO tooth and nail to spend time with his kids or fight to spend more time with them without the over-seeing of their mothers. But its been a no win battle that I just cant seem to get over. Would you continue to allow the seperation of your SO spending time with your kids, then with his EOS?? I ask because I see alot of you SM's ready to explode by having the skids in your lives. Me and SO speak of marriage but I'm unsure of whether I want marry a man without getting the opportunity to adapt to his kids first. Am I asking for trouble (kids ages range from 7 & up)??. Oh and we live together by btw. Anyone else been through this or have any insight??

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Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 9:43am

what happens? Does he not see his kids, or does he see his kids on occasion and without you? I think you need to give us more background on what's going on?

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 9:46am

"Would you continue to allow the seperation of your SO spending time with your kids, then with his EOS??"

My DH doesnt seen SS very often, we are military though and live far away. They have a very forced/strained relationship, and he's not biodad but the kid thinks he is, and I have a feeling knowing this fact makes DH unconsciously even more distant, because if he's close to him he'll feel like he's lying to him. I am the same way. I keep my distance from SS because I don't want to be involved with lying to him. But even besides that, we are so far away that we don't have a choice anyways, and BM does not advocate a relationship between them. She only wants him to be financially the legal father! I don't know how often he sees them or how close they are, so its hard to answer. If he were leaving the house to visit with them and just leaving you out, I would have a prob with that. I guess it depends on WHY he doesn't bring them around to really answer. But in my case, I think it makes our lives easier that they live far away because it keeps the drama WAY down and we are happy with our lives as they are.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

jojo71's picture

Submitted by jojo71 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 9:52am

I would say if you wanted to be selfish, then yes, enjoy the time without your skids. However, it's not about us...I think we can all agree that it's always best for a child to spend as much time with BOTH parents as possible (unless of course one parent is unfit). Yes, your BF should spend more time with his children. But as a possible future SM, just know that it isn't going to be easy, and decide if you want to be in a tough situation for the rest of your life.

mommyamor's picture

Submitted by mommyamor on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:02am

One set he sees EOS and the other set is a big ??? For the set that he does visit, he is encouraged by BM to see them without my presence. He'll pick them up from home and take them on an excursion for a few hours and their back at home. Whereas the other set gets to see him on holidays i.e Xmas and maybe Bdays. I've met them all, but rarely has he brought them over to our home. And they all live about the same distance from our home. I have recently accused him of picking and choosing, which is how it looks from my eyes. But what he recently mentioned was that the only reason why he sees the one set more often is to shut BM up (he gets the guilty dad to the third degree from this one). And then he doesnt want to bring them over to our home in fear of them bringing info back and forth between households.

Take your weakness and use it as a strength to keep moving forward...

jojo71's picture

Submitted by jojo71 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:06am

I have to be blunt, and hopefully I haven't misinterpreted what you are saying, but...it sounds like your BF has laid in his bed but now doesn't want to make it. Whether he wants to man up now or not...he's got children. Does he even pay CS? And even if he does, money is only ONE need these children have. They need their father and NOT a father who sees them "only to shut their mother up"...he needs to grow up, be a man, and be a father to his CHILDREN...all of them.

mommyamor's picture

Submitted by mommyamor on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:22am

but I am opposed to him seeing them on BM's time only or else he'd be more involved with the first set as they have extra-curriculars. We're going on five years now and I've set my limits of what I wont tolerate which is no more Bday parties unless we are all invited, the extra-curriculars I can deal with, no more going inside the house during PU's/DO's. I know what you are saying JoJo but how does a man with no more fight left in him do this when the BM's encourage him to do so without his SO?? I've told him time and time again that with the way he's doing things no one will ever be happy. Not me or neither of his bm's. I've even mentioned that maybe now is not the best time for him to be in a relationship. So my last resort is, either his kids come around now or never as I dont know what I would be getting myself into as far as that aspect of his life if we were to get married.

Take your weakness and use it as a strength to keep moving forward...

jojo71's picture

Submitted by jojo71 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:28am

to be honest, if he has no more fight left in him, then there is nothing you can do. This IS HIS fight...not yours. If he doesn't want to see his kids on his terms (as long as they're fair terms) then he's basically letting BM screw him over. It's going to take him standing up, putting his foot down, possibly going through an attorney and getting visitation orders in place. You are a part of his life and unless he wants to fight for his right to his children, BM can't stop you from being a part of their life too. But it's your BF that's going to have to do this. If what you say is true, that he has no more fight left...then "it is what it is".

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 11:14am

Does he not have any visitation rights or a schedule set up? Why doesn't he just go to court so he doesnt have to let everything be on their terms? Does he just not care enough to have more time with them? I wouldnt want to have kids with someone like that, so I hope you are not planning to.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

mommyamor's picture

Submitted by mommyamor on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:40am

but I can only do so much and it really is HIS fight. I refuse to make it my business any longer. And not to sound selfish but looking at from the bright side, I might be pushing something I may regret in the long run...We're dealing with all girls that will eventually turn out to be splitting images of their mothers with enough PASing.

Take your weakness and use it as a strength to keep moving forward...

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 11:50am

It might be a blessing in disguise Wink And I am like that too, I like having BM & SS many many states away. I don't like drama in my life. I couldnt deal with what most people do on here.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

mommyamor's picture

Submitted by mommyamor on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:43am

that are discouraged by the court system. He doesnt think its worth the fight, time or money. And its too late, we already have one.

Take your weakness and use it as a strength to keep moving forward...

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 11:26am

you are right. I have to agree with that. If the BMs are making it difficult and would fight in court about it, I wouldnt encourage going into debt to try to get a court order either. Its a tough situation. Hopefully you guys don't split up, or if you do, you guys can work together to benefit your child together.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

mommyamor's picture

Submitted by mommyamor on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 12:33pm

and how it would be a great experience but I can settle for being an awesome wife/mother to OUR kids.... Smile Thanks Ladies..

Take your weakness and use it as a strength to keep moving forward...

NotsoHappyNewlywed's picture

Submitted by NotsoHappyNewlywed on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 3:21pm

Sorry to say but most people repeat their behavior patterns. If he is a "half ass" daddy to his OTHER kids at some point (god forbid) you break up, he will be a half assed daddy to your kids as well.
I recommend a court ordered every other weekend visitation arrangement. OR if he (or you) don't want sleepovers than have every Saturday from 12 to 6 or something. Something where you can all be together as a family and go to the park or the beach or whatever. Him not bringing the kids around YOU is his way of avoiding grief from the EX's.
Typical male behavior, they prefer the easy way out.
Of course you can be selfish and let him deal with it on his own time and don't bother dealing with it all, but at some point that might bite you in the ass. Men have a way of turning things around when it's convenient to them.
EG: "Well you showed no interest in being around my children so that's why they don't care to be around you."

mommyamor's picture

Submitted by mommyamor on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 5:03pm

dealing with an uncivilized individual are contributing factors to being a "half-assed parent" and going to court isnt always the answer. If a parent is barely making CS, why on earth would they want to accumulate court fees?? Maybe he is taking the easy way out but hey its HIS battle, I can only do so much. As for showing concern, I've done my part and he knows I love kids...so he's got his BM's to blame for that.

Take your weakness and use it as a strength to keep moving forward...