You are here

im going to ruin my marriage if i dont relax

smnikki's picture

Submitted by smnikki on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 12:55pm

okay, i should be on cloud nine right?! bm got her ass handed to her by the mediator. we were told that bm will NEVER get full custody, and it will always remain at 50/50. bm admitted she has issues after mediator made it obvious, has to attend counseling, has since offered to give dh his child care money back for the month $270 (shes been pocketing it for at least the last 6 months since the govt was paying the whole tab) is kissing major butt with dh, and even agreeing to meet with me to exchange ss, no attitude or anything. even said sorry when dh told her that she needed to stop with the phone calls.

so here is the issue, im not sure if the prego fairy has visited me this month or i just am incapable of being relaxed for fear of the next attack of bm and mil. i am a total nut case! im all over the board, hysterical one minute, happy the next, then angry, etc. we have had drama over dh's bday this weekend and the fact that his sisters are incapable of caring about any one but themselves, so ive been upset about that.

anyways, this morning, i ask dh if we should take a picture of ss's chin where bm's dog has bitten him. he says no, its just a dog bite. im like wtf? just because bm is kissing your ass so you dont tell the judge all the crap shes done, you think bm learned her lesson and we dont need to document? dont you understand you cant fix crazy? now bm and mil will be out for blood!

he is so upset with me, he says that the mediator has already said that we have nothing to worry about, we will NEVER lose custody. BM cant do anything! He wants me to relax, let go and focus on him and i, he doesnt want to hear bm or ss's name the whole weekend and just enjoy this peaceful weekend together, and celebrate that we are both good parents and the court is behind us.

why cant i just relax? im filled with anxiety for the next attack, and dh's calmness freaks me out! any suggestions? my husband is amazing, he is always thinking of me and im being a nut case!

Comments

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 1:04pm

Xanax. LOL! Don't you know, all of us sms are on one anti-anxiety med or another...lol.

Seriously, take heed from your husband. I'm sure you both have been on an emotional rollercoaster for longer than you can remember with this last go around. Its time to let the waters calm a little in your home. Take it one day at a time. Live your life with your husband and you skid and stop obsessing about what may happen in the future. No one knows what that will bring and it doesn't even have to be coming from that sector.

smnikki's picture

Submitted by smnikki on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 1:08pm

hahahahaha
dh tells me to go get on something. but ive never needed it before and i feel like if i allow bm and mil to cause me to put something in my body they win.

thank you!!

Conflicted's picture

Submitted by Conflicted on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 1:23pm

I know EXACTLY how you feel.... I too have a very hard time relaxing.... and really.... I don't see why you should.... just to be unprepared for WHEN bm does strike? You know that bm is not going to back off forever.... she WILL pull something else when you aren't expecting it..... you are completely correct when you say "you can't fix crazy".... bm may be feeling like an ass at the moment but it will fade and she will be back her antics in no time!

Thats how I think....

BUT.... something my ex-dh (DickHead) told me was this..... 'the only reason bm is a main focal point in our lives, in our conversations, in our heads.... is because YOU put her there and YOU leave her there. YOU are always bringing her up and worrying about what may or may not happen. YOU allow her to live rent free in YOUR head. I don't want to talk about her, I don't want to think about her. I want to live OUR life with as little involvement with bm as possible'.

I never forgot that and I try to apply this in my relationship now.... the bm in my new relationship is CONSTANTLY on my mind (with holding up the divorce and all).... I am constantly checking bf's email to see if she or her attorney have responded, I am constantly stressing out about what she may, or not have up her sleeve..... that is a horrible way to live. It is affecting my relationship with bf's kids as honestly I'm a scared to get too close just to have bm take them from us.... (divorce is not final yet and bm is refusing to sign).... Its affecting my relationship with bf as I want to see results and I want answers and really the only one who can demand that is bf.... but he doesn't seem as botherd as I am.

Anyway, I know that I need to learn (and it sounds like you do too Lol how to live in the present..... the past is what it is and its over now so why stress about what could have been done or should have been done.... The future isn't here yet, you'll deal with it as is comes so why stress about what may or may not be to come..... The present is HERE..... we have enough on our plates just living in the present.... know what I mean?

dsfsdjfn's picture

Submitted by dsfsdjfn on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 2:07pm

You know? I think BM and MIL get half their powers because we give them so much importance...and we panic because after being thru hell and back, when things start to become decent , nevermind great, we fear they will turn sour again, so we don`t enjoy the present moment, because we anticipate the shit to come. I can`t relax when things start to go well because I feel like I have to be better than the ex (although thats not hard) and that I should surpass her and MIL and be perfect, so I take the responsability on my shoulders, like everyone`s happiness is my problem......but if your man says relax, then take his adive and give him some extra love ;)(and enjoy the peace at home while it lasts...

smnikki's picture

Submitted by smnikki on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 2:10pm

extra love....thats wht he needs right now, its his birthday on sunday and even though im planning a bday dinner for him, ive been nothing but a cranky bitch to him. yesterday i yelled at him on my way home because even though he did all the laundry, unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher, i was mad that he didnt put all the clothes away.

Conflicted's picture

Submitted by Conflicted on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 2:19pm

Awwww.... hon..... I do the same things! BF does ALL of the laundry in our home.... he washes it all (we have a 7 person household), folds it or hangs it up and puts it all away.... yet I will come home and pick out something small that ISN'T done.... that he didn't even know I wanted him to do in the first place (damn bf isn't much of a mind-reader Wink )

At least we recognize our shortcommings.... working on them is SOOOOO much harder!

Gestalt's picture

Submitted by Gestalt on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 3:31pm

One thing that I have taken up recently that has been a godsend- yoga. Class style- not a video you pop in at home. I think after 5 weeks now I am starting to really be able to do the relaxation technique at the end of class.

Further, you learn about relaxation response, basically to be able to put yourself in a relaxed state whenever you want.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 4:33pm

I'm obsessing too SMNikki...

I'm going through the same thing with DH over here. I'm the one who keeps bringing up BM and what I think we need "to do" about our situation. DH won't for his own reasons...

And I'm trying to change my direction.... but it's damn hard.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 5:09pm

but you are letting her win by letting her into your life and your marriage. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 5:54pm

If only it were that easy to look at it as a "win" by letting her in. Unfortunately, if that's the case, BM has "won" somewhat in my marriage... and probably many others. I think the key is balance, and learning to let go of what we can't control. Another poster on here said that SMNikki should "don't ask, don't tell", and I think that is excellent advice for her, in her situation. I think her DH will end up thanking her later, and it will give her the peace of mind that she is seeking. I think if she stays on top of it, even if DH doesn't she will be able to "let go". Do you think that's correct, SMN?

For me, I am in a position where we are about to take some sort of legal action and I'm not sure what needs to be done yet. And since SD lives with us, and there is no documenting of that sort.. I'm having different issues. But around the same thing. I see BM "getting away with" things that I feel are unfair and inappropriate. BM may not even know she is "getting away with them" as far as we are concerned. In her mind, she's the victim. So in her mind, she's not winning. In mine, she is. It's hard and it sucks.

I wish I knew SMN what to say to make it better. But I do think that "don't ask don't tell" is excellent advice AND if your DH is asking for a little "us" time, I guess I would just say DO IT. Do whatever it takes to give it to him. I'm guessing he will be much more responsive to your requests, once his "needs" are met and he feels a little less pressure.

(Fist bump) Solidarity girl!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

smnikki's picture

Submitted by smnikki on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 11:18pm

thats exactly it, im tired of bm getting away with suff! (and in laws for that matter)

dh and i are such good people, we always are by the book, letting people just fuck us over pretty much, believing that eventually karma will get them. but it seems like bm gets away with everything...which because of mediation i should be over joyed that for once she was called out for all that shes been doing to us.

i do think that the dont ask dont tell is something to consider...but mainly i could just say with dh, i am going to do this because I feel it will be good for us in the future, and he would be okay. my only issues is that why am i going above and beyond when its his kid and hes just leaving it to me to do. honestly, if it wasnt for me, i truly think dh would have walked in to mediation with nothing to show just like bm. i was to one that documented, copied stuff from her myspace, printed out pictures, took the pictures, etc....

dsfsdjfn's picture

Submitted by dsfsdjfn on Sun, 10/11/2009 - 10:20am

Ah how I feel your pain (they always get away with stuff these BM and MIL )Hope your weekend went well and you considered opinion on giving him extra love and enjoying your weekend Wink sending you good vibes!