Some days it is so painful to be the "second wife".
I've been lurking here for a while, this is my first vent. My Bio: Married for less than a yr to husband who has 2 kids (SS9 and SD11) from previous marriage, moved to the US to get married. We have the kids every weekend. I'm 6 months pregnant. I have no friends and family where I now live other than my in-laws and I do not personally know anyone else who is a stepmom.
Here goes:
Some days it is so painful to be the "second wife". I feel like I want to bash my head in to have some real pain to distract from this pain that never really goes away, it's always there, simmering just below the surface, waiting to bubble to the surface at instances like yesterday, when I had spent a good part of the day being excited about this baby inside of me, bursting now,after a nice chat with my MIL, to fix up the room in preparation for him/her, dying to ask my husband to go check out baby stuff together even if we're not actually going to buy, afraid to ask because I know we have no money for anything other than necessities but wanting to buy something for baby no matter how small, just so as to have bought something first from mummy and daddy before people started giving us anything, and to have something tangible that says "Hey, this baby is here. S/he is important, s/he is a part of this family, we are a Family, s/he is not to be denied anymore."....
His response to my telling him about the chat with MIL and my excitement about fixing up the room is minimal, he is distracted on his computer and then tells me the summary of his day which includes, "I have a PTA meeting to go to on Thur for Son," and I'm dying to ask whether the ex told him about it, or the teacher emailed, but scared to do so because he will be mad at me for asking and probably not tell me anyway and I'm dying inside for not being given the whole story, all sorts of scenarios running through my head now, because "surely she called" I'm thinking, "and he was probably nice to her on the phone and she probably finally got a word in about how her dad is sick and she is sad and since I was not around, he probably felt it's ok to comfort her and tell her everything will be ok" and I'm feeling shitty because in addition to the fact that he's already been through all this baby stuff and doesn't seem that excited as me for my little one, there will always be this other woman he has to share his life with, a relationship which I am excluded from because he doesn't see the need to be 100% open with me about the communication with her and what is going on with the kids, because of course he cares about the kids and by extension, even though he would vehemently say it isn't so, he cares about her, perhaps enough to be nice and soft and gentle and reassuring with her behind my back.
And in that instant, when my thinking reaches this point, and my resentment builds and builds, because I simply cannot communicate these feelings to him without him becoming enraged at me, and me boiling over because he is becoming enraged at me for feeling what I feel, I wish the earth would just open and swallow me up because, in this particular moment, I think I do not want to live this life to live this pain day after day after day, and all the future happy moments are pretty much invisible. I think my husband can ease the pain, soothe me, calm me, by communicating with me, and asking whats wrong and listening without judging, and reassuring me tirelessly, but he is clueless, and frustrated and just wants to ignore whatever it is the problem is. And I become, in my mind, "second wife", no better than the first, with half the privileges, and twice the stress; and all the goodness I think I have inside me, and as much as we are great together, I feel like a failure in this marriage. I won't get to be the kind of wife I dreamed of being, and the kind that I am is not good enough for this situation, because I am only human.
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C-Can, I am so sorry to hear
C-Can, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Aside from this, how is your marriage? How does your husband treat you?
Hi C-Can, have a big
Hi C-Can, have a big (((HUG)))
Unfortunately, when they have kids with someone else these are quite common feelings - the kids seem to come first & our husbands still have to be on contact with an ex.
I think you need to get out & find some friends in the area - these don't have to be people you'll be BFF with, but that you have a link with now & being pregnant is probably a good time to do it! Perhaps if you want to talk to your husband about how you're feeling you could start with the 'not knowing many people' thing, as he won't get defensive about that in the same way.
With my OH I sat him down one day & got him to agree to listen without interrupting for 5 minutes - during that time I got to say that I hated that he had to still be in touch with BM, really would have preferred a boyfriend without kids etc, but that I loved him & wouldn't change him for the world. It meant I could tell him the frustrations I had, knew that they would never change, and whilst I accepted them I didn't have to like them.
C-Can, that's a painful blog
C-Can, that's a painful blog sister.
This is how I deal with those feelings that I also had (they were early on and now gone thank God). But I started to look at it this way. My x and I are not together anymore..........but his wellbeing directly impacts my son. If something were to happen to him my son would be, of course, heart broken. I don't do anything extra for him, never have, but I can tell you honestly that while I have no feelings at all for my x I do sincerley hope for his wellbeing and happiness, only because it directly impacts my child and his happiness.
Once I looked at that I relooked at my situation with DH. Does he love the BM, no. But there are things that each of us do to go out of our way for her.........ie......when her father died we took her flowers and a card and of course told her if she needed anything to let us know. Was DH nice to her, yeah, of course. If he hadn't been I would have slapped him upside the head.
Maybe look at it like this.........he doesn't love his x because if he did he'd probably still be with her. Her happiness and wellbeing directly impacts his childrens, so yes he probably does hold some concern for her and for good reason. And you should hope for her wellbeing to because if something happnes to her you'll have these kids full time!
I have to ask because your DH sounds as if he has a lot of guilt, is your relationship due to a affair? Don't feel bad about being honest if so!
I am sorry for your pain but
I am sorry for your pain but you expressed it so eloquently, that was lovely. You are an excellent writer!
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
C-can how long were you and
C-can how long were you and your DH together before marrying?
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
C-can... let me tell you
C-can... let me tell you that no one will ever be as excited about the baby in your belly as you are. Mothers and MIL come close, husbands are WAY down on the list after girlfriends and internet girlfriends.
It's not that they don't care, it's just not as REAL to them as it is you.
This isn't an issue unique to your DH... it is a universal issue. So maybe you can take some comfort in that.
"Maybe look at it like this.........he doesn't love his x because if he did he'd probably still be with her. Her happiness and wellbeing directly impacts his childrens, so yes he probably does hold some concern for her and for good reason."
I believe Jen is right on in this. You are adding additional stress you don't need.
I agree that it isn't real
I agree that it isn't real to them. My H acted that way with both my pregnancys.
Right he doesn't love his ex or he wouldn't be with you--or have another child with you after what BM probably did to him.
My H does not care about BMs happiness (actually hopes she falls flat on her face BTW they hate each other) but he doesn't want anything to happen to her--it is SDs BM. We may not like her but SD would fall apart if anything happened to her--we don't want that.
I am sure your DH feels the same way. It is about the kids.
Oh its just awful and i feel
Oh its just awful and i feel everything you are feeling, My DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship and when i was pregnant with our daughter it was like he just really didnt care, she was planned though but he still seemed detached, i thought because he had done it all before but i found out it was because when he has his other 2 kids he was tricked into the first one as they were only sleeping toghether for a few weeks when she got pregnant cos she told him "she couldnt fall pregnant" yeah right! he was 17 and despite hating her stayed with her for the kid when he wanted to leave she fell pregnant again. supposedly this time on birth control, he was furious about it but he stayed again just so someone else wouldnt raise his kid. He has held a lot of regret and anger in his life as he quite a promising career as a footballer to get a real job to support her and was trapped for too long in a situation he didnt want to be in.
Anyway, when i was pregnant it was like all those feelings were brought up again in him, he was so worried about what his life would be like, if he was making a mistake etc, which of course really hurt me because i didnt "trap" him, we were already married and he loved me but he was still unsure. Now baby is here he is over the moon and couldnt be happier, he says he never ever felt that way about his first 2 kids which is sad but it was because he wasnt ready for them. He doesnt remember their milestones or anything like that which i think could be what contributes to him guilt parenting now.
I know this may not be the same for your hubby but he could be just worried as well. Try talking to him if you can, see if something is upsetting him. If not then you need to take care of yourself, not him not skids just you and your baby you are both more important at the moment. Take some time out, have a spa relax let the stress go.
XXXXX take care of yourself
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses everyone. I am feeling somewhat better today.
I have to say that my husband treats me very well, for the most part, and our marriage is good. After a lot of tears and fights, I think he is becoming more understanding. But there are times where my feelings get stepped on simply so as to appease BM because he just doesn’t want the drama/arguing with her. What it really feels like in those moments is that her happiness is more important than mine and that is a concept I cannot wrap my head around. Wanting her to be happy for the sake of the kids, fine; but causing unhappiness in your own household so that she can be happy, I really don’t get it.
Our relationship is not due to an affair. But he does have a lot of guilt. He got married to BM simply because she got pregnant and he felt he had to, and he possibly still feels guilty for “screwing up her life”. IMO it takes 2 to make a baby, but that’s what has been drummed into him. The new refrain is that he is “screwing up his kids’ life” by moving on with his own… He separated from her after 5 yrs but went back, trying to do what he thought was best for the kids. They were married but pretty much each doing their own thing. In the end, BM came out and said she was in love with someone else and they separated once again. Our relationship started after he had moved out for good and was pursuing a divorce. We dated for 2 months and were officially together about 7 months before getting married. It was purely a long-distance relationship. Our families have been friends since I was born, our mums have kept in touch over the years, DH has visited my family every year on his trip back to our home country when he could finally travel, so it didn’t take long for me to make a decision about him because I knew what kind of person he is and what kind of people his family are. I have to say though, I made that typical mistake during our blissful courtship, of not considering his ex-wife as part of our lives, because it was as if she didn’t exist. I knew very little about her, didn’t care to know, didn’t have to meet her. Once we were married though, she surfaced.
It’s sad, but my DH takes this “me not knowing people” quite personally too and blames himself. After divorce, he lost a lot of friends and had forged friendships with single guys rather than family-people. Plus, after the financial fall-out of the divorce plus current economic times, it’s going to take him some years to get back in the black, and so we really don’t have the spare $$ for socializing, esp with baby on the way. I’m quite a thrifty person and a bit of an introvert, so I don’t need much to do much, but we live in city where you really need a car to get around and I don’t have one and depend on hubby to get me around. The poor guy has a lot on his shoulders, right? At least I have the Internet, it’s the main way I talk to people these days.
I get that the baby maybe isn’t as real to him as to me. And I know that it is special to him, we planned it, we both want this. There have been some moments of him rubbing my belly or talking to baby that simply made me feel on top of the world. I’m beginning to see that our financial situation is the real strain, not that he is deliberately ignoring baby, and I really don’t know how to talk about this without making him feel worse.