Thanks for your comments on my last post everyone (October 8th).

DH and I went for our first counseling session on Friday and it went okay, although he commented at the end of the session that he thought it was a “good place for you to vent DW”. Hmmm, not the point, supposed to be the two of us working together to figure out a way to have SD17 move home that would be tolerable for all concerned (such as making her accountable for her actions because it is not only good for her growth and development as a mature, responsible person, but that it is good for everyone in the house not to have to put up with her behaviour). He agreed to go for more sessions, and also to do some reading, so here’s hoping something will click at some point that the problem isn’t that SD17 and I don’t get along (mostly her part, I have bent over backwards to make things work, although I must admit, when you are hated for years on end for no reason other than your sheer existence, it’s very difficult not to hate back!), it’s that DH needs to stop guilt parenting and laying down some consequences for poor behaviour.

The counselor made two very interesting points. One, she does not agree with the modern thinking that in a step-situation, the bio parent should be the only one disciplining children. She feels that any adult in the home should be disciplining when a child is behaving inappropriately (ie a step-parent, grandparent, aunt, etc.) as children need to know their place in the family and that adults are authority figures, like it or not. Of course, she qualified that by saying the consequences should be agreed on by the bio-parent and other “adult” and communicated to the child so they know that if they do X, then Y happens, regardless of who is doing the disciplining. Something I have always thought myself. The other thing she said, is that consequences don’t have to be “severe” to be effective, they just have to be “certain” so the child knows that if they cross the line, they will not get away with it. The only thing SD17 is “certain” of, is that she won’t ever get any consequences for any behaviour.

I talked to DH’s closest sibling and she also agrees, he lets SD17 walk all over him, for fear of ruining his relationship with her (which, trust me, can’t get much worse anyway) and that if he lets his SD17 come between his marriage, it will be the hugest mistake of his life. She is going to try to talk to him as well (DH really respects her and has often sought her out in times of trouble to get her opinion) and try to help him to see that he needs to do some work himself with his parenting, that running away and getting a separate house won’t help the situation with SD17, it will only make it worse, as she will then feel she has achieved her goal of splitting us up!

I know the only person we can control is ourselves, but I am hoping DH comes to a realization that he can make some changes to his parenting style and that it will possibly improve his relationship with SD17 in the long run.