Things have changed ... I think I hate SD now
I've been a stepmom to SD since she was two, and now she's six. We have her every-other day. For years I tried to love her despite her endless, endless screaming temper tantrums and mile long mean streak. In fact, I did love her for a time. But these days...even though we've worked on rules/disipline and she no longer acts out to the extent that she used to, I feel nothing but hate for her now.
She's the only child I've ever known who is *always* unhappy, no matter what. She is just naturally an "Eeyore" type person--even when something good happens, she points out something negative. She just makes everyone around her miserable. Every day, month after month, year after year, she's whiny, crabby, sulky, rude, and just obnoxious to be around. And it's not just me--in fact, she treats me better than she treats her dad.
Meanwhile, my DH and I have done eveything we can to be a good parent /stepparent (in my case) to her. We've read tons of books and even taken a class. We give her plenty of attention but at the same time we don't over-indulge her. She's been able to take classes, have friends, go etc etc etc. We've encouraged her, praised her, and used calculated positive disipline and time outs. And yet, despite all of our efforts, she remains a brat. (Suprise suprise, her morbidly-obese mother indulges SD with candy, burgers, treats, toys *daily* at BM's house....which of sourse SD tells me about each time she's at our house).
Now that my DH and I are trying to have a baby I can't help but dread having my SD around my child. DH feels resigned and just says that there's nothing else he can really do desides what we've tried. I don't want to seperate my husband from his child, but at the same time there is a part of me that wishes that she would stop coming over so much. I guess I'm not looking for advice so much as I just need to get this off my chest.
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Every other day can't be
Every other day can't be good for a kid, as her behaviour suggests. Is there any way you and DH could change the visitation schedule? It sounds like she's acting out because of the inconsistence. Tough situation for all of you. I feel for you.
Really! That much
Really! That much transitioning every week can't be good. That just seems like way too much adjusting for the child every day, adjusting one way or another. Nothing is consistent...
At least if you guys had her every other week, you could have a full week of peace in between the storm.
I agree. You need to switch
I agree. You need to switch the schedule. We had a similar schedule and since insisting that it change the kids have been much happier.
If DH doesn't have a problem
If DH doesn't have a problem with it, you are going to have to learn to tune it out. When DH and I were first married, SS had a new ear for all his complaints and he did not waste one moment letting me know how displeased he was about his life. I was with him all day, listening to negative comments about 80% of the time. I became a very depressed newlywed, which affected my marriage. The more I got to know SS, I realized he complains because he's accustomed to manipulating the emotions of adults to get sympathy and attention. This is his natural mode of communication that he learned a long time ago. Is your SD accustomed to hearing complaints all the time from the adults in her life? Where did she learn this was the way to get results? She may not even realize she is constantly complaining, that's just how she learned to communicate from her parents. The one thing you can control is showing her that isn't the way to get results out of you. Do not reinforce in her mind that the complaining is effective. Don't respond to it. Reward desirable behavior, and this will encourage her to behave that way around you. Let DH and BM listen to the constant complaining.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
ChaiLatte, that is a good
ChaiLatte, that is a good point...her mother is the same way, so it must be the communication style she has learned. DH *does* have a problem with it, but he hasn't been able to make much headway.
I like your suggestion of not letting her see me get annoyed by her...I have been trying to dot his but I'm sure I could work harder at it.
Selkie, the schedule is listed in their court papers/divorce custody agreement, and unfortunately BM insists on sticking to it. I agree that it's not a good arangement for anyone but BM.
Thanks, ladies!
I think that the visitation
I think that the visitation schedule is definitely adding to your step daughters problematic behaviour. If the BM doesn't see that it's effecting her daughter poorly, and going back to court isn't an option, then there's not much you can do there.
However, as your husband has (I'm assuming) joint legal custody, he has the right to get therapy for your stepdaughter. My stepson is 6 and was having some major behavioural issues (his mom was recently incarcerated, then released, etc....) We found a therapist for him, and he truely enjoys going to his appointments (they play games and such) and it has really helped him in all aspects (school, home life, his ability to communicate to us how he's feeling, everything) Maybe your stepdaughter would also benefit.
And as far as the feelings of hate toward her go- I think every parent, step or biological, go through periods of time where their kids drive them crazy and they wonder "how am I supposed to love this unconditionally". Just remember that she is 6, an age of trying your patience and testing her boundaries. She's trying to make sense of the world. And because she has to deal with the added stress of living in two homes, that are probably very different, (rules, diet, they way you act, etc.) she's probably feeling a lot of emotions that she has no idea how to handle.
Just remember you're not alone in any of this wonderful drama of step parenting...Good luck!
I'm sorry you're dealing
I'm sorry you're dealing with this stuff and I'm glad you're getting it off your chest. But I have to say, feeling actual hate for a six year old is scary honey. I feel like maybe you need to take a step back from the situation...do you REALLY feel like you hate her or are you just feeling severe dislike for her behavior?? Hate means you wouldn't care if she were dead and gone...I don't think you really feel that way about this child or else you wouldn't be on here venting your frustration you'd just say "F*** it! I don't care!" But you're not...you're here...with us.
So you feel severe dislike for her behavior. She's 6 and sounds like she has made some improvement already but needs to improve a lot more. Sometimes it take YEARS to correct horrifying behavior in children. She is acting out this way out of necessity to grasp the control over her situation. Seems like she feels her world is chaos and she feels powerless hence the complaints and negativity.
She needs stability,obviously. She needs a reward/consequence system if you don't already have one in place. I like the token system with my son bc nothing else works for him.
If BM won't change the schedule to something more feasible for SD to handle then you may have to keep a record of these "outbursts and behaviors" to show to a therapist to get solid proof this routine is less than satisfactory for SD's developement and emotional well being. Then you'd have an easier time adjusting that agreement schedule.
welcome honey...hopefully you get some great ideas on here for how to cope and good luck on the babymaking
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
Absolutely agree, you should
Absolutely agree, you should look at changing that schedule. I've been 'stepping' for almost 10 years now and through 6 kids ages 3 - 17 and by far the most difficult days for them and us are transition days and dealing with the tension and changes...emotional upheaval they have no idea how to deal with.
I can actually understand
I can actually understand how this child feels. I myself hate change anything that upsets my routine or what I am used to I can be unbearable to live with. I am now trying and doing rather well with adjusting the way I think, but when a whole bunch of things change all at once...i'm a nightmare. Now just imagine a childs intake on change. Children Love stability. they need routine, consistancy and diciplein and rules. Even though they may role their airs at the rules you give them, they need them and do appreciate them. I would say that all you parents should get together and come to some sort of an agreement that makes things a little more consistant for her and see how she adjusts.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore