I decided I was done having kids before we got married, I'm almost 40, but he has often suggested he would like to have one together. I won't. I see what kind of parent he is and it would be one more stressor in our lives that I just couldn't imagine dealing with. It upsets the whole apple cart in most step situations...I think one maybe 'good' thing about your DH having kids before you is you actually get to see the test drive of what kind of parent they are. It may not be entirely fair since it takes two and there is a dynamic...but basically, I think it would be a repeat of the past. He would want to be the playmate...and I would have to bear all the 'boring or hard stuff' of parenting. I am not completely sure how it would play out with his biodaughter...for now it's a mute issue...but if I had to guess I'd say her jealous meter would go through the roof and his past behavior tells me that means he goes into full time kiss butt mode for her...resulting in said child being right at the bottom of the pile with the rest of us. It could go the other way though...but my SD is 17. He has suggested that a 'new' baby might let him redeem his fatherhood reputation...but I dunno...I still think SD would retain 'golden child' status.

I don't, and won't, have kids either with or without DH. When we got serious, we talked about it. He has a vasectomy, but we were talking about getting it reversed. But to be honest, one of the main reasons I dropped it is that I think the fallout would be more than I want to deal with. The BM would go completely weapons-grade crazy in a way that I don't even think I can imagine. The OSD is used to being number one in everyone's hearts, and I think it would make her turn against me a little to have a child. The YSD suffers enough already from feeling like she's a distant second place to her older sister. If I had a cute little baby, then she would feel like she slipped to third place, and she would probably turn against us as well. And BM would encourage them both in this.

It's a sad fact. I get along extremely well with both of my SKids. But honestly, I don't think that would survive me having my "own" family. Like it or not, they probably still feel like I should think it's "enough" to just have DH's family.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I am in the same situation. I have thought the same things as you in the past, and I think my DH is a lot like yours. Unfortunately, a lot of guys parent out of guilt and that sounds like what your DH is doing. It took a loooooong time to get him out of doing that, and he still does it a little bit sometimes.

But my ultimate decision is that when the time is right, yes I am going to have children with him. I don't like the way he parents sometimes, and in the past i didn't like his parenting about 90% of the time.lol But my thoughts are, when the child is growing up with you and him the progression of the way you discipline your own children will become normal to you and him, and your kids. Whether he holds the skid to another standard, well, that's his deal. If your kids weren't saying "Why does SD get to do it?" they would be simply asking "Why do I have to?" They will always give you lip. It's a kid thing.

Don't have kids until you are sure you want to with him. It honestly took us over 2 years to get comfortable and gel ourselves into the family unit we are now. I don't know if we'd be together if we added the stress of a newborn into that mix. I don't even want to think about it. But now we are great! Me, him and my SD (who by the way I love to peices now. And not so much then.) have a workable structure. She even asks now when we are going to give her a baby brother or sister. But I have just a few more things I want to get settled before we do.

Who knows, one day you might be the Brady Bunch with BioKids in the mix. :O)

I think about this a lot too.
I always wanted a family and to be a parent- after being married once I imagined I'd be a single mom who adopted a child and felt great about it. I think FH for a long time wondered why, if I always wanted to adopt, didn't I feel immediate love and intimacy with my SS. This made me question myself, feel tremendous guilt, and feel anger at myself for not being able to immediately love SS.
I then started reading _Stepmonster_ and it helped me understand the issue of choice more and relieve myself of the guilt I carried around. I don't know if I "love" my SS yet- I like him a lot, I can see us proceeding with the easy and mostly comfortable relationship with we have....that is until/when my FH does the guilt-parenting thing. It is a HUGE trigger for me, it immediately causes problems, how I react causes problems, and then my SS becomes a wedge between us. I don't yet have a good way to deal with this- except to know that when the SS is with us for 10 day straight (FH has him 50% of the time) over the upcoming break I need to build in time for me, away from the house, doing me things, as well as time for them to have some of the kind of together-time they used to. And I need to be a model for assuming SS will have responsibilities in the house, etc.
As for a biological baby with FH- perhaps! Not now- there is way too much in the household to add that. BM got pregnant last fall, was remarried when she was about 5 months pregnant, and my SS has a stepdad, new baby sister, and a stepbrother in that household. I know (as someone who went something similar) how much that is to deal with so I don't want to overwhelm our household. And, as importantly, my FH and I are still learning about being as a couple that parent together- not just are a couple together. So we will see! I'm not getting any younger at 37. I think we'll just keep reassessing.
There are no easy answers in this "step" world, that's for sure.

I would also like to add- that I don't agree with all of FH's parenting choices, I fear that b/c he is so afraid of losing his son (my SS), he might want to recreate this experience in our own child. And, despite the fact (or maybe b/c of the fact) that he was (and still is) emotionally abused by his narcissistic, manipulative, horrible ex-wife, he still reverts back to remembering everything about his time with her, when anyone brings up having a baby he immediately says something about her/when his son was born (his son is 10), and nothing ever ever about our future together. I am often frustrated by him seeming to be stuck in a remembering of the past.
Does this happen to anyone else?

My husband and I are newly-wed's. We've been together for 3 years now, and my stepson is now 6. I am 18 weeks pregnant, and please feel free to read my post from last week "my 1st pregnancy, his 2nd"...having a baby with someone who already has one, and had a previous relationship definitely brings up a lot of questions and emotions.

There's nothing wrong with having rules in the house and expecting your children to live by them. My husband used to be the type of dad where every time my stepson would come visit there weren't any rules and we were doing whatever my stepson wanted. I eventually had a heart to heart with my Husband (then boyfriend) and told him that it wasn't doing his son any good to be that way. Now that my stepson lives with us full time, things have changed greatly. There's rules and consequences and he (stepson) has completely grown into a well adjusted, capable 6yr old because of it.

Talk to your FH, talk about everything your feeling...find out what you're both comfortable with. Good Luck!

Well I have a SD who is 10 and pregnant with my DH and my 3rd child. We have a 3 yr old and a 8 month old.

My DH used to treat SD like a "princess" as well. The keyword is USED to, ever since our son was about a year old it all changed. He is harder on SD now than ever. Maybe it is becuz she is older, maybe becuz he has less patience for her since we are so busy with the other children. We have agreed ( a few years ago) that ALL the children would be treated the same. And he has stuck to it, in fact at times I have to tell him to be a bit easier on her. A lot changed with the birth our our kids. My DH just adores our kids, he dotes on them.....something he used to do with SD.

Your SD is just 3. They are all treated like queens at this age. If you had a child with DH I am sure that he would treat them the same if not better. You shouldn't be afraid to have kids with DH, things will change SOOOO much after a additional child is added into the mix.

I have no children of my own. My DH and I have been married for 1 year and 3 months. He had a vasectomy when he was 27 and his daughters, SD12 and SD15 were promised by him that they would be the ONLY kids he ever had. They, along with BM would completely flip out if we decided to reverse the vasectomy and have a child of our own. The SD's would probably kill it, if BM didn't get to it first. That's the level of crazy that we deal with in our lives.

I have talked to DH about having a child with me and he is vehemently against it, because his prior "family" already makes our lives a living hell and he can't handle the drama that "our" child would bring to the table. Everytime we bring it up, we get into a huge argument. Apparently, I am not allowed to change my mind about the kid thing. DH wants to have all the control.

I am 36 and had never planned on marrying (especially not someone with a child or two!!)...and I never wanted children of my own. I just thought that I would be single forever and if I ever decided I wanted a child, I would adopt or go the artificial route. I never dreamed I would marry the love of my life, he would have one evil step kid and one nice one and a crazy, closeted lesbian ex-wife!! I think that if BM moved on, remarried and maybe had more children we would be able to do the same. But...well, you know that will NEVER happen.

So, I am in hell...forever. Taking care of DH, a crazy woman's kids and dealing with her irrational behavior on a daily basis...and not allowed to have a family with the man that I love because he's been there, done that with his "real wife". I am just wife part 2...the hot, childless, fun girl to play with. Ugh...I hate my life sometimes.

I hate being stuck in the middle of someone else's family...and no part of me and DH is ours...it all belongs to his past.

Sorry for the rant...just very frustrated right now.

Love :o

**Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!**

heres my beef, i had a baby with dh who already has two of his own. my first feeling was feeling robbed of a special time, his 3rd my first, i wanted to share an experience with someone but that was robbed of me it seemed becuase this dumb fucked up a good experience and her relationship i had to suffer and not have the experience of having my first child that i dreamed of. Then you worry, will he love this baby like his other ones? will he treat them the same or favor his other kids?....theres alot that runs through your mind. my experience seemed robbed from me but he does treat his children equally and that varies on person to person so dont take my story as everyone acts that way. BUT BM DRAMA WILL NEVER STOP. for me it got worse, now she emphasizes in text messages "remember today is OUR sons birthday" or "are you pickin up OUR kids"....makes me fuckin sick

You've got to have a parenting contract that covers every child in your house. You have to agree on how you are going to respond to conflict, dole out consequences and what expectations you are setting for your children, steps and birth, and then everyone in the house has to live by those rules. And, frankly, the rules should be more firm and the consequences greater for your SD because she will be the older child. For example, my SD is 10 if she hits my BD, I know that she knows this is wrong and that she is twice her age and therefore can cause greater harm, so she has more severe punishments. Whereas if my BD 5 does this, she will still be punished but not as severely. Now, if BD5 is still hitting at 10, that's another story entirely...

Our BS is 2 1/2. I feel like he brought us closer together as a family. My husband treats all 3 the same, although it is special for him having BS because he gets to make decisions and participate all the time.

I think it made it easier for me to be the mom at our house as well, because I am BS's mom. Funny story but SS12 had his best friend over who's mom happens to be BM's BFF ( manimal or Godzilla is my DH's pet name for this woman) Anyhow SS12 told me after the kids left that he had slipped up many times & referred to me as mom when talking with his buddy. I told him, t was understandable because I am the mom at this house because I am their brothers mom.

It speaks volumes I think, because when they are with us I treat them the same way I treat our son. I am actually more free to love them without being judged as trying to take over for BM.

I would expect that if you were to have kids, they'd be at least 5 years apart, right? So a lot of the rules would probably be different? SS is 6 yrs older than my son, and they were never doing the same types of things wrong that the other was. I don't think we've ever run into the problem of "well he's doing it". If we did, I would say age would come into play (he's older or he's only 3! ect). I never had an issue. I raise my kids the way I want, and if SS happens to be here (which I will admit is practically a non-existent problem) then he will do as I tell him too. Or he can get the hell out. LOL I might be too stubborn and controlling to ever let it be an issue though, I realize it can be for others. I would just put my foot down and make them ALL play by my rules. I would tell DH if you have children then his must follow the same rules so they don't have a bad influence of your children. If he;s on board, great, if not, don't marry him?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

My kids are 12 & 9 & BS is 2/1/2, but he thinks that he is the same age as his brother because they include him. If they are playing video games they give him a disabled controller to play with. They even are teaching him to play air hockey. He stands on his bathroom stool & plays.

I really think that the example that our husband set with the kids is what affects a positive or negative outcome.