I apologize now, b/c this is going to be long.

I believe that I waited to long to ask everyone for suggestions on how to relieve some, if not all of my stress that I have been under. I really liked some of the suggestions that were given to me and was really going to try some of them.

But tonight at supper, I just snapped. I had no time to even try any of the suggestions that were given to me earlier today. After my family & I were done eating supper, the kids started asking if this or that could happen this weekend. And DH started voicing his opinion on what the kids were asking. Then looked at me and said what do you think. For some reason, b/c of DH asking for my opinion, it triggered something inside me and I snapped. I

I started screaming & yelling at everyone. "Why do we constantly have to have people over or let you kids go some where? Why can't we ever do something just the 4 of us? I don't understand why you all have to be constantly doing things with your friends and never want to do anything as a family." Well DH got all pissed off, got up, pushed his chair over, and started walking out the door. DH knocking his chair over pissed me off and I picked that same chair up over my head and threw it across the room. The chair broke and broke a tile on the floor (which kind of felt good). When DH heard the chair break, he came rushing back in the door to see what had happened. Then started saying that I needed to go check myself in some where & get help. Well that just set me off even more. I started saying all kinds of things, like....I wouldn't be so stressed if the 3 of you would help me out more around here without being told. I was basically rambling on and on about everything that I have been bottling up for the past, I can't even remember how long. DH just kept repeating "you need to go check yourself in some where & get help".

I finally had enough of him saying that. I told BS11 to go pack some clothes b/c him & I were leaving. Well when I said that....DH flipped and said "you are not taking MY money & leaving". And still kept repeating about me checking myself in some where. While BS11 was getting his things, I got some of mine. Then I sat the bag down that I packed and went outside. I walked back to the corner of our yard where DH & the kids could not see me. I picked up a stick and beat the shit out of a tree (which also felt good b/c I was releasing my anger without hurting myself or anyone else).

After about 20 minutes of beating the shit out the tree and then rationally thinking about everything. I came to the conclusion that my depression, anger, and stress was not b/c of everything that is going on in our lives. But b/c some how over the years, DH & I lost our connection to each other. Our relationship has become solely based on our children, home, and finances. We no longer have any conversations that don't pertain to anything but those 3 things.

So I came back to house, I asked DH to please come out on the porch so I could talk to him without our children hearing us. I started off by telling DH that I do love him and I apologized for what had happened. I then went on to explain why I snapped. I also told DH a few things that need to be changed or we should end our marriage right now. I told DH that 1. I need a little more help around the house with daily chores. That yes I may be a SAHM, but that doesn't mean I am to do everything without a break. Just like he works full-time away from the house, his break from that is on weekends. I'm a SAHM 24/7 and don't get a break. 2. Yes, I agree that our children come first, but I would like to put US first every now and then. 3. I need a break away from everything, for some me time. Yes, I understand I am home 5 days a week by myself, but that's my point. I'm stuck in the house 24/7. Unless I have to take the kids to an appointment or go to the store or bank. I don't ever get to just go some where for myself. 4. We need to start setting aside some time for the 2 of us to talk, besides just phone calls during the day while DH is at work. Even if that means the 2 of us going for a 30 minute walk every evening.

I also explained to DH that there are different things that he does or says to me that makes feel like my opinions don't matter or that makes me feel embarrassed. I also admitted things that I have done wrong and that I am not blaming him for all our problems. That I know he may feel as if I am, but I am not and take part of the blame for where our relationship is currently at. And that I feel if he would talk to me instead of criticizing me I would be able to better understand his opinions. And that I would also stop criticizing him to. B/C I know that I have done it also.

DH & I stood out on our porch for at least 30 minutes or more just talking. And I believe that for the first time in a long time we both realized that we were on the verge of divorce if we didn't do something. But during that 30+ minute talk, I felt as though we had started reconnecting. We both agreed to start working of US. I have never felt more relaxed than I do right now. I feel bad for the chair, floor, and tree....but I believe that did help a little to.

I also apologized to BS11 & SD15. B/C they witnessed me at my weakest point & all the screaming and words said by DH & I. I can not say that we didn't mean any of them, but they didn't need to believe that for one minute it was their fault. Yes, somethings that involve them are part of the problem. But the main problem is what DH & I's relationship has become. I explained to them, that yes they may feel as if they are fault, but DH & I talked about it and are going to work on fixing the main problem. And once DH & I start fixing the main problem, everything else will fall into place.

I also am going to try some of things that were suggested to me by some of you earlier today. B/C while DH & I need to work on things, I still need something to do for myself to relax and relieve my stress to prevent me from snapping again in the future. So thanks to everyone who made suggestions earlier today, I think I waited to long to ask for them. But hopefully things will start to turn around and get better.