Family Photos and then some...
I need to know how other SM & BM's feel about this...
I have no children of my own. Dh has 2 sons. We plan to have our own, well start trying at the end of this year. Some how, family portraits came up and I said that I would like to have one with my DH, OUR child and me and than one with all 5 of us. At first, DH was like okay but I dont think he paid too much thought to it. Than we got into this discussion about it. Its not that I want his kids excluded, thats the last thing I want. BUT they are NOT my children and I want a picture with my husband and my child. IDK, I cant explain how I feel about this. We didnt fight over it. B/c I said you will never FULLY see my side and I'll never FULLY see your side. I try to put myself in his situation and see how I'd think I'd feel if it were my children. So I dropped it b/c hell we dont even have a baby yet and thats getting way ahead of myself. But its SO many "what if" scenrios. Like I cant do something for my child unless I can do the same for his 2. Like school and religion, they are important to me. I was privledged enough to go to private school and I received a great education and I want the same for my child. Should I feel guilty his children are in public school?! WEll I'm not their parents and thats something DH & BM never discussed or considered. So why should my kid suffer b/c of their choice??? And same with religion. There are issues I want to get out now and discuss now before we bring a kid in the world and fight day in and out about this. DH and I, thankfully, are both very open to how we feel and dont fight about it but do discuss.
Can anyone relate and what did you do????
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I feel the same way about
I feel the same way about the family photo thing. If I want a pic of my child, myself, and my husband together, then I feel like I should be able to do so.
However, you also have to see it from his point of view. Both children are his, and why rub it into his first child's face that he can't have family pictures because his mom and dad aren't together anymore? Not only that, he is cut out of the family picture with his dad and his sibling.
As for doing things for your child and not his, I don't feel you should have to do for his children, and your children should definitely not go without because his kids do. Think about it: The kids from the other family don't go without, because they are going to get their Child Support check first, before your kid gets a dime. Your first obligation is to the children you birthed, not anyone else's.
That said, I wouldn't totally push his kids aside. Kids can see when they are not being treated equally, or at least fairly, and they act accordingly. You don't have to do everything for them that you would for your own child, but put yourself in their shoes and think about how YOU would want to be treated if YOU were a stepkid.
I do things for my SD. I play with her, I buy her things, I help take care of her. Granted, if I had my own child I would probably do 3x as much for them than I do SD. But I don't and will not completely ignore SD. The situation she is in isn't her fault.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
I do consider his side and
I do consider his side and their feelings. I was a skid myself. And its not that I want to display only pics of us and our child. I treat his kids VERY well. I worked a p/t job for their Xmas gifts. I make 3x what my DH does and trust me I support them. I make them dinner, do their laundry. I play with them. I made my basement a play room for them. I've done everything for them, I'd do for my own b/c I do not have my own, YET! I've even considered not having a kid b/c I dont want them to feel left out but thats not fair to me. I've wanted to be a mom my whole life. I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to all of this...there is no right or wrong. Just feelings...
You are right, there is no
You are right, there is no right or wrong, and if you already do everything you say you do, then like I said, no one is gonna look after your kids best interests but you, so do the best you cans for your kid, and you have to leave it up to DH and BM to do what they can for their kids.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
I can relate and I totally
I can relate and I totally agree with you. My Dad and SM used to ask my brother and I to take a picture of "thier family" and then we would get one with them. I used to be crushed by that but now I completely understand. Don't let it get to you, cross that bridge when it comes.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Oh the picture debate. I
Oh the picture debate. I never know what to do with this one. DH and I have a two year old together.....I have a BS 14. He has a daughter who is 15 and one who is 21.
I do hate that I can't have a picture of me, DH, and BD 2 hanging in our house.........but I don't want to make my son feel left out either. So I can't do that.........it's a battle even when the other kids are you own!
And that's how your DH is looking at it, I think.
I think one day I'm going to get those pictures done when BS is off some weekend with a friend and SD isn't over. Then I'll take them and just keep them put up, but one day my little angle girl could have a picture of her mommy, daddy, and her all 3 together!
I guess I could also just wait till my BS is out of the house, hell it'll only be another 4 years! LOL
It's a tough call, I never know what to say. Just have some peace in knowing that alot of people wrestle with this one.
"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie
If the Broom Fits, Ride
If the Broom Fits, Ride It!!!!!
Phew, this is a fun one to
Phew, this is a fun one to "discuss." When my first BD was 2, my mom decided she wanted pictures of her grandkids, my brother's four kids and mine. That has become an annual tradition, getting the grandkids together for these pictures. Keep in mind SD (now 16, then 14) has NEVER been nice to my family, called them "fags" on her Myspace fag after they went to dinner with us, and is a total brat. Naturally my mom didn't want her in the picture, primarily because she's not my mom's grandkid but also because of her bad attitude. SD actually had the nerve to ask DH why she was not included.
I also am NOT allowed to take a "family picture" that doesn't include SD16. And frankly her presence ruins the joy of the picture for me, not to mention the fact that every time I am trying to see my two girls' smiling faces I have to see SD16's puss. Good luck, I have no advice for you, only sympathy.
I have raised my two girls
I have raised my two girls already and I regret that I didn't do somethings with JUST them. They always had to share me with other people's kids. Now that they are adults, they have discussed this with me and I truly ache for what they missed from me.
I was always home. I always attended all of their functions, went to school meeting and class trips, but they never really had my undivided attention. It always seemed that we did all the fun stuff when my xhusband's kids would come over. The reality was that after two "kid focused" weekends every month, I was kidded out. Well, the ones that suffered were mine.
Don't let your kids feel like that. Your stepkids have their own mother. If you want to have a special picture of just "your family" you should do it so that your child has those memories later on.
I never had an "ours" kid so I never really faced the picture dilema. But in hindsight, I truly wish I would have done more focused on my own.
Thats exactly why I want a
Thats exactly why I want a "my family" picture. And its so hard to explain, I'm not leaving them out and I do want one with the boys. I want my child to have his/her parents in a picture! But I fell like I'm the bad guy for wanting so.
No matter what anyone says, you can never love a child like you love your own. Even if you raise them or care for them, they are just not yours.
This is a tough one even
This is a tough one even when you don't have an "ours" child! I always want a picture of just me and perfectson together too and DH doesn't like that. He thinks it should be ALL of us, and then just me and DH. I have to step on his toes but sometimes, it just is what it is and he can get over it.
Also on the pic debate, why
Also on the pic debate, why not suggest the following (warning this might be a bit more expensive):
One pic of your entire family (including S/Kids)
One pic of you, your DH and your new baby
One pic of Dh and just his s/kids
One pic of all the kids together with no parents in it
I bet the S/kids would love having a photo with just them and their dad too and one with just them and their new baby brother/sister.
I've suggested that. But he
I've suggested that. But he still feels that if we have one without them, they may feel left out. Which I really dont want them too and the main pic would be all 5 of us. Thats the one that we would get a huge one of for our dining room. And I do want one with them and our baby, as our goal is for them to all consider each other bro/sis instead of half. Its just one of those things that I just dont feel I'm wrong for not wanting them in one freakin' pic. Growing up my dad had 2 kids from his previous marriage and we NEVER got pics with them. It was always my parents and brother and I. I dont know how they felt to be honest.
I just feel better knowing other people can relate to this and their suggestions.
DH & I had this discussion
DH & I had this discussion after we had started planning to get married. We don't have any children together, we tried but never happened. So we decided to have a family picture with all 5 of us, then we did 1 with just my BS, 1 with both SDs, and then 1 with all 3 kids. Now that the kids are older, they choose to only do 1 family and 1 with all 3 of them. And when they were younger, SDs did ask to give BM a copy of the SDs together & a copy of the 3 of them together. And b/c they asked, we let them give BM the pictures. I think that every situation is different and it is a decision that you & your DH have to make on your own.
We actually just did a recent family picture while SD12 was visiting us over Christmas and everyone who has seen it thinks that SD12 & BS11 are twins and that SD15 & SD12 look like they are my Bkids. And when they see a picture of SDs with BM, they say that they don't look anything like her. It made me feel kind of good hearing that, b/c I have done more SDs than BM ever has in the last 10 years.
I can see where this would
I can see where this would be weird for your husband, having a family pictue with only some of his children. I do understand where you are coming from but when I flip it and ask if my dh wanted a pic with only me and our child that would hang in our home would I be okay with my other kids looking at that and them being excluded. I don't think I would.
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Picture wise: I would say
Picture wise: I would say screw it and take ONE picture of just "your" family. Because what about you and DH's child's feelings? Won't that child also feel left out because you never thought to take pictures of just them, mom and dad?
I don't have a child/children with BF yet but I would like to. When we have child(ren) I want to do a portrait of our bio kids and one that includes skids as well because they are part of the family. I plan to hang up BOTH picture in my home. If skids don't like it I will kindly remind them that they have two families. My child will only have one. More than likely BM will have pictures taken of them that she displays in HER home. So I can put up the pictures that I want to put up in MINE.
As far as school goes, I've already decided that I want my kid(s) to attend a private school. I don't like the school districts in my city and would much rather have my child(ren) educated elsewhere. Skids attend public school. That was a decision made by BM and BF. I will raise my child the way I deem appropriate just as they do. If their choices are different from the ones me and BF (by then will be DH) make, then so be it.