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Not what I expected

Texanbyluck's picture

Submitted by Texanbyluck on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 2:41pm

I'm new to this site, and I am glad there is a forum for us to share our experiences as step-parents.
My boyfriend and I have been dating since July 2008. He is in the military and he was stationed in a different city between March 2009 and January 2010. I visited him twice a month during that time. It was always like a honeymoon.
He has a 10yrd old daughter that he totally adores. We just moved into a new house in February and his daughter came to live with us on March 5th. The little girl doesn't get along with her biological mother and step-brothers... long story.
Although I knew it was going to be difficult to have my boyfriend's daughter living with us, it has been much more difficult than I expected.
She demands attention ALL THE TIME, especially from daddy. She is unable to entertain herself, whatever she's doing (and never in her own bedroom) she calls out to SHOW us what she's doing or looking at (online, TV, books, videogames, etc). For the most part he doesn't mind giving her full attention and he spends 99.9% of his awake time catering to her. Sometimes I feel like the invisible woman.
The little girl is soooo needy, has no basic manners, social skills or personal hygiene habits. The biological mother never cared to teach her any of that, not even how to properly use a knife or a napkin at the dinner table.
My boyfriend and I have almost NO couple time now and that frustrates me so much. Although he denies it, it seems that his entire world revolves around his needy, whiny 10yr old daughter. It seems at times that he wants to be the PERFECT DAD and the PREFECT MOM, all at the same time. Of course, the little girl has learned to be very manipulative, she faked a "terrible ear pain" a couple of weeks ago when she failed to get our attention while we were painting some walls. After several attempts to get our attention she convinced my loving boyfriend to take her to the ER, but when she realized that they would have to stay there for 3 or 4 hours she suddenly started feeling better and by the time they got back home, (after picking up dinner) she was bouncing off the walls, all happy, like nothing ever happened. I got so upset.
As you can imagine talking about his daughter with my boyfriend is a very touchy subject for him.
I love my biyfriend but I feel that unless something changes soon, and he acknowldeges that I more than someone paying half of the bills and the mortgage, I won't be able to stay in this relationship too long and that is sad. He is a good man, but I think he overprotects his daughter and he contributes to her neediness. I am a very independent woman that strongly beleives we should raise strong independent girls and not needy, apprehensive ones.

Comments

newlymarried's picture

Submitted by newlymarried on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 3:55pm

sounds like you have a lot going on! First of all let me say that i understand. My ss bm is completely like your bf daughter. she always needs attention. regardless of what she has to do or say to get it. And this is a grown woman, almost 30 years old. talk to your bf about it. he really needs to make her realize that he is her father and not her bf. Its not the child's fault that she is the way she is. the blame is to be put on her mother. But its up to her father to fix things before she turns out like my ss mom. she still lives at home with her parents and depends on them for everything. tell him about my comment maybe he will think about how she is going to be when she is 30 if he doesn't have some backbone and be her father and tell her "no" sometimes. Don't walk away from what you think is a great relationship because of a 10 year old child. Tell him that things have to change. It maybe that she is jealous of you and is doing the things she is doing so that you will leave and she will have daddy all to her self! GOOD LUCK!

coySM's picture

Submitted by coySM on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 2:50pm

that sounds like my SD10. I get so frustrated because she is incapable of entertaining herself. drives me nuts. my husband finally talked to her and told her that we can't entertain her 24/7 and that all of us in the family have wants and we all will not do what she wants to do all the time and she is old enough to find activities to do on her own sometimes. we play with her of course, but the constant neediness was getting really annoying. it's hard for the husbands to hear things about their children from us, but just choose a time that's calm to talk to him. can you get a sitter for the child every now and then?

unbelieveable's picture

Submitted by unbelieveable on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 2:59pm

We have this issue with the girls too. They are 7 and 5. No matter what they are doing it's "DDAADDD!" or "UUNNBEELLIEEVEEABBLLE!!" They just would NOT stop yelling. They can't do anything alone - if you leave the room just to use the restroom they are sitting outside the door saying your name. FH has been made aware of this - by me of course. And he agreed - he just needed someone to say to him "WTH? Make them stop that - that's making them spoiled and horrible!" And it drives him bonkers too. We just look at them now and say - unless it's an emergency - please don't yell - and if they do and it is unneccessary - we do it to them! THEY HATE IT! but it gets the point across.

Texanbyluck's picture

Submitted by Texanbyluck on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 3:12pm

Thanks for your reply!
I don't get it! - I was always able to entertain myself when I was little, either playing with my Barbie's, coloring a book, watching TV, doing homework, etc. I don't get why my SD10 can't be more than 2 minutes doing something on her own. She has her own room with 27inch TV, countless Webkinz, several Barbie's, coloring books, CD player, music CDs, etc. but she has to be where we are or following us around like a puppy. She even waves at us and says "hi", like we don't know she is there. I was painting the half-bath while her Dad was showering in the master bathroom and SD10 stood outside the bath's door, stare at me and said: "I'm just going to be here watching you paint". I said: "No, you need to go somewhere else and find something else to do".

Texanbyluck's picture

Submitted by Texanbyluck on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 3:03pm

BM lives 4 miles from us and after making NO attempt to see her own BD during the last 3 weeks, she called yesterday and said that she would pick her up this Saturday morning and SD10 will spend the day and night with BM and step-siblings.
BM is known for changing plans at the last minute but my boyfriend promised that if BM cancels, he would still get a sitter so we can go out Saturday night... we will see.
Thanks coySM Smile

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 4:21pm

WOW...you and I have an almost identical situation. PM me a message sometime if you need to talk. Almost uncanny how much our situations are alike. Read some of my past posts...you'll be shocked...lol