I was talking about my situation. My H spent 15 yrs (10 married) with a borderline exW who did everything she could to upset his career and family relationships. I think perhaps he feels he wasted time. When they divorced he went on a ton of dates trying to find a new mate- me.

Then he poured everything into winning my love/marrying me.

Now? I am thinking MOW convinced him that there were better matches out there, and even if it's not her, he better not waste 10 more years with me trying to fix this only to miss out on someone better.

I am so completely utterly sad today. Why would anyone not try to fix a marriage before tossing it? Especially a second one? This has to be part of his thinking. He turned 40 in Oct and I found something in one of his books that he filled out- some survey of where you are and where you want to be in 10 years.

I think turning 40 hit him hard that he was unhappy and rather than look for ways to change that in a positive way he bailed on us to find relief.

I didn't mean this to be everyone's situation. There are a list of other pitfalls on that site. I think it would be a good read for anyone struggling to try and see if they or their spouse have adapted any of those dysfunctional relational attitudes about their marriage.

But I'm 42 in a few weeks and this DEFINITELY relates to me. I don't know why you'd think it was just for 20 somethings?

I think it's a lot of people.

When I left my first marriage, I had a bit of this in me too. Why waste another day beating a dead horse?

But beat that horse we did- several times in fact, going to counseling and trying to compromise etc.

My beef here, with what my H has done?

Is not even try to tell me he was unhappy and thinking of splitting up. Not ever trusting me with the conversations that something has to change or we won't make it. Not trying to find solutions to fix things himself.

His tossing and running.

My God he gave that first wife every ounce of marital/relational attempts he had in him.

He never even let me know til he had already shut down and decided.

It was so...

intentionally dysfunctional in a way. B/c telling me might have opened a door to trying and well...

he spent all that the first time.

I would never have imagined him so incapable of working on us through the "worse" parts of better or worse. But it appears so.

And if he never has this epiphany of what the right thing to do is?

I will never view him the same way again. He will forever be broken in my eyes.

Not that he seems to care about what I think of him of course, or he wouldn't have done all he has already.

Sorry- still crying. He called last night- and I didn't answer b/c I had already sobbed after seeing him yesterday on a last minute request to have BD for a few hours.

I had BD call him back figuring it was her he wanted anyway. She told me after hanging up that he wanted to ask me something.

I sobbed again.

In front of her.

I just am a mess still and highly frustrated with myself for it.

What's hard for me Kat is I was always tossed aside too when I was younger. I thought it was my fault in the choosing and still do, b/c those men pretty much wore signs stating "I'm an ASSHOLE" in neon letters.

But this time? I had NO FEARS or insecurities that he would leave me.

I wish I had some warning of it so I could have prepared myself. I don't think the article is about leaving first so you don't get hurt.

But leaving someone when you feel discomfort or unhappiness. Blaming the other person for that rather than looking at ways you can find happiness or improve things yourself. I was ALWAYS trying to do that, always communicating to him that I was trying to do that.

He didn't communicate to me that he was that unhappy. Just shut down and left me.

This kind of blindsided is so very hard for me to deal with. I am just sitting waiting for some epiphany to hit me about how much better off I will be, or how I'll find someone better.

And those may be true, but...

All people are flawed and all relationships/marriage have times of vulnerability. Second marriages/ long term relationships, especially steps, are highly fragile.

Why do men in particular not see that and why do they spend so much time on those first highly dysfunctional women/wives only to toss one capable of the hard work that lifetime commitment requires? Why can't he see my ability to forgive and work through this as the gift of unconditional love that it is?

And since he's determined to kill every ounce of what was left between us....

How can I make sure I never pick someone incapable of lifetime commitment and relationship coping skills/tools again?

From what I understand about reconciling...

He needs to find closure and forgive himself. She has likely forgiven him after all this time.

As long as he is always accountable and makes every effort to stay connected with her, that they both do, then it can work out.

I'm glad he atoned for it Kat. I wish my STBX could.

God I hate even typing that out "STBX."

I so long for the days I was able to write "DH"...

I miss my DH...

How pathetic am I? What does it take to break me anyway?

I love ya Vic.

Thanks for chiming in.

I wish I could share this all with my H (there I said it --- I HATE typing STBX when I'm not ready for him to be such.)

Am I delusional? Or just fragile, grief stricken, and in mourning?

Sometimes I wanna take the advice of several friends and tell him I'm not filing til I feel like it. If he wants to file for the more expensive route then he can, right?

I wish I could slow him down. We just separated, how 'bout we do that for a bit while I adjust.

I just know the question for how soon I can get a job and move out now that I've had week plus of "space" is next.

And I haven't really had much space as I've had to see him/hear from him a lot regarding visitation of BD4.

I wonder if I should just set little deadlines for myself/make lists of what I need to accomplish.

Type resume by---

make list of potential employers by---

And refuse to consider moving until that first step of a job is there.

I dunno.

Still stuck and starting to worry I'm not strong enough to let go.

Thanks for chiming in Crayon. I know you've been through the gauntlet yourself. You are one inspiring survivor of the stepworld for sure.

Thanks Brightside. I know you're right there with me sorting out life...

I can't do self help books/articles right now. I've been there done that. I find a few interesting relevant things in them now, then I start going all numb to them. Once again...

I end up reading, saying, "Yeah...I know...I remember feeling that there was a greater good coming and I just needed to plow through til I got there and it would all make sense. But, SO what."

That's how I feel about nearly all advice. No epiphanies like there used to be. Just so what. Empty words that used to have meaning and relevance.

I don't know where I am, who I am, where I could possibly be going. I see, meet, am finding many mentors in older women who have said "F" all men I'm done with them. They seem so happy and fulfilled.

I don't want to turn out like them when it comes to love though. I want the long haul. I want the happily ever after, with the understanding that takes a lot of concerted effort.

I thought so much that I found that in him. That all his stories of trying to work through his problems with his ex meant he would be able to do it with me for sure b/c I can comprehend how to work through things, I can let go of taking things so personally in the long run for the big picture/greater good sort of thing.

I sit and think of all those stories he shared of sitting there trying to explain to BM what had to change and why it would benefit them both to change it.

Where was my conversation? Where was my H? Why didn't he TELL me he was on a brink and needed me to help him through it? Why did he tell someone else and not me after all those years of doing more for his first wife to try to make it work?

Sad again.

Had a chat with him tonight regarding taxes. I kept it a text/chat b/c I can't talk to him right now about anything b/c I just want to cry.

The chat was enough to make me ache for him to want to talk to me again about more than taxes. Just a texting chat. I had to finally tell him I was putting BD to bed and Goodnight.

He texted back Goodnight...

I want him to tell me goodnight...kiss me goodnight and good morning.

I fell asleep with BD4 when I put her down and when I woke up it was still that feeling of forgetting what's happening and then remembering again.

When will my stupid head stop doing that? I still have nightmares about him and OW. The other night it was one where he took me to a work event (which they don't have in the real world anyway) but then realized he wanted to be with her there instead. In the dream she approached me with a rationally toned conversation about how I really wasn't doing myself any good by pining for him, by holding on, how their love was more than ours ever was, and how much better she would be for them, for SD, for my own BD4 than I am...

I woke up drenched in sweat and tears. I was crying while I was dreaming.

I just can't get a break, even in my sleep.

Thanks again for the outlet. It has been a purging of sorts on here since he moved out.

I hope he's not reading, but I can't worry about it right now.

I need this outlet, this writing to catharsis.

I'm not going to say anything that's not in my heart.

And I appreciate all the responses and the tone of understanding for my pain and situation that everyone is showing.

Warms my soul to know someone cares and doesn't mind my purging.

The other night I went to an arts event- got paid to walk around and chat to customers while in costume (50's costume from the murder mystery I did a few weeks ago.)

A friend who hung out with me a lot, graduated with me from college while I was singe to married and pregnant with BD4 was at the event. Her BF is a metal artist who was exhibiting there.

We chatted a bit. I kept my sad chat to a minimum since I was working. But I could tell that my sadness emulated out of me to a degree where she was uncomfortable seeing my pain. She promised to meet me for coffee soon, then excused herself to get back to the booth. But when I did a loop again I saw her checking out the art with another friend instead of being back at her BFs booth.

What I can get here, I can't get always out there with my friends and family. My pain right now is too frustrating for them to bear, even if I don't talk about it.

They don't want to see it. I guess that's part of why my H had to move out too.

So here I turn.

And here you all deliver your ears, patience, unconditional support.

This is a blessing for me, and I appreciate it more than you all could ever know.

No DPWB...

I am not, but I understand where you're coming from.

Our relationship was very much all that for many years. This year?

It fell down.

You know I was watching the view the other day, which I don't really even watch any TV now but I happened to turn it on.

Whoppie was saying how affairs only happen in an already broken marriage, and Joy (who is not married but in a 25 yr plus committed relationship) and Elizabeth who is so ultra conservative I NEVER agree with her and neither does Joy come to think...

Were chastising Whoppie for it. Now I know Whoppie's been the OW and the committed person cheating many times, and she admitted that.

So that's where she's coming from, and where I came from before now.

But Elizabeth was dead on.

She said, "No one is above being vulnerable to cheat. But a married person should be considered off limits period. Because all long term marriages have vulnerable periods of time. If they are left alone, most make it through to another phase/period of time. So when a spouse is distracted and not there for the other spouse, if no one is around eventually the slighted spouse will let the other know they need to fix it, or the distracted spouse will stop being so and refocus on the slighted spouse and fix it."

I'm paraphrasing, but that's the main point.

But when someone seizes that opportunity to sway the slighted spouse away from the other spouse?

It can happen. Where a formerly good marriage becomes vulnerable, and if left to the parties involved it would have made it through to something better.

But if interrupted by someone else during that vulnerability it will crumble under the influence of another.

I truly believe that's what happened here. I'm not absolving him and his inability to resist, sense what was happening and turn toward us.

I am saying a lot happened the last year to sabotage our ability to reconnect. And sometimes the right string of circumstances can hinder the ability for a couple who does love each other to find their way back to the marriage.

He's not a serial cheater.

He is a man who cheated when vulnerable.

He may not even think that, but I suspect with enough digging he could still get that.

If he wanted to dig.

What this article helped me see, was why he may not have felt up to digging. He dug too big a hole the first time with someone incapable of lifting their own shovel.

So his experience is telling him it will not work again and why invest. Meanwhile there's someone else, on their own way out of their own hole, offering to lift their shovel to help him out of his.

This was true a bit in the affair I was involved in during my early 30's.

I had been through divorce and felt like it was for the greater good. I imposed that thinking on the man I was involved with and his wife actually. Everyone would be happier one day when everyone was with the "right" person.

What I have seen with him though, is by staying together, forgiving themselves and each other, that they found a different happier than I envisioned. Perhaps...

A more fulfilling one for the hard work they did to move forward.

I wanted that here. That may be what's holding me up too.

And remember DPWB...

I may have found out about the affair months ago, but he just moved out a week plus ago.

And unlike your situation, and BS's situation, I have to see him and have contact with him all the time, even via texting.

That's going to make my healing letting go journey take more time.

I think through this post and the others the past few weeks I'm starting to let go of at least that fact.

That I cannot rush, cannot push, cannot take more than baby steps away from this marriage, b/c you can't take a short cut through your individually tailored grieving process.

I know all about some of the pitfalls I'm making in moving forward. But they are acutely related to who I am, how I process, who I'm working with here, etc etc.

It took me a year and a half to move on from the married man, and I didn't share a child, a home, a life with him.

I think I have to sit back and realize I'm in for a long haul.

He doesn't. He is too simple to want it TBS. He wants things to come too easily to make a marriage work.

I am so exhausted and now getting a cold again. This weekend I head to the writers retreat I go to every year. The first year I went was when I met my H. Now...I don't want to go. I don't want to go on sometimes with the things I used to love.

I didn't realize how much I loved my life and am struggling with how much I want it back and how little he cares about me.

But I am a seeker, a searcher, a questioner...

Demand?

I should perhaps be more demanding yes.

It's who I am. And why I was so picky and stayed single so long. I wanted a man I could depend on. Who was capable of the hard work. He likely misrepresented that part, b/c he didn't know he wasn't so.

If I didn't have BD4 I'm sure I could go NC and pull myself out of the funk. As it is, I've made the appt for antidepressants. I just hate taking those meds. I took xanax for a month or so, just at bedtime mostly, and it gave me horrible dreams. Vivid dreams of them together. And besides, I took med for ADD when I was really overwhelmed with SD's issues, thinking if I could have help focusing I'd do better. I took it for a year and a half and stopped when I had the precancerous lesion removed for fear that the med was making it grow faster since it increases metabolism.

Anyway...that med affected my libido in a big way, as in I couldn't sleep and being touched made me jumpy. That contributed to our inability to connect, though when I went off of it and told him how much better I felt he thought it was an excuse for my withdrawing.

So those meds don't usually agree with me. But I can't go on this way, crying all the time and unable to enjoy anything. So maybe some antidepressants will help me be able to focus on something else for a bit.

I read that one, and believe the old Sita guru could have written that quote myself.

But this level of grief is like nothing I've ever gone through.

I think it's b/c it's not just him I'm losing. It's not just his absence that makes me feel so lost.

It's the dreams of raising our daughter together so she didn't have to go through step crap. It's the dreams of family. It's the fact that I have to leave my home and move, get a job and put BD4 in daycare, that I have to go back to being a single mom again, which I've already done and though I grew a lot, I was over the nostalgia of it by the time I met him. Its about losing my MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL/Nieces/nephews....all those Jersey cousins. And SD no matter what our issues were. We were family for the past 6 years.

Not to mention the friends I've met of his that I loved.

It's an exponential loss. It's not just security, since obviously THAT was an illusion anyway.

It's not just a love, a friend, a companion.

It's my whole flippin' life the past 6 years-

POOF!

Gone.

My exH didn't have to do that. He moved back into his childhood home. He had a job that he loved already. My family could still visit with him and "kept" him as part of the family.

A great deal of that he owes to me for ending it without adding a 3rd party. And the fact that I was strong enough to own the ending and not need to place blame his way.

There's a lot to deal with. I feel like I've been through a huge traumatic event and just can't pull myself out of it.

I have done this work before...

and I think...

am very frustrated and sad that I am facing it again.

If that makes sense.

As in...

HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? WHY DID I LET HIM IN?