staring at the abyss
That's how I feel. I can't deal with this divorce. My second divorce. My second time as a single mom of a preschooler. I know how hard it is, no romantic notions of how independent and fabulous I'll feel. I was over that when I did it for 5 years the first time.
Then married 5.
Five single again? That frightens me.
I don't have thoughts of ending my life, more of not wanting to stay here and go through this part of it. My children keep me tethered to the earth most days.
And BD4 keeps me tethered to my STBX. He just left with her for 2 hours. And I sobbed. I sent my 4 year old daughter out to greet him, said goodbye to her and shut the door, rather than face him so he can't see me like this. But when he brings her back he always comes to the door.
I started antidepressants over a week ago, I'm told they take a while. Seem worse since starting them actually. Sobbing non stop the past few days. My parents anniversary dinner was last night. I sat alone b/c my sons were teasing me that they didn't want me at their booth. Then my family started joking about me being in trouble and in time out or something making light of it. I wanted to scream. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself but I don't want to go to anything like this right now. And I know that they feel bad and are trying to help me, but it isn't helping.
Someone else in this situation mentioned to me about wanting to move somewhere else- a brand new town. I understand the inclination to have no triggers of places familiar. They say your life flashes before your eyes right before you lose it. My life with STBX is flashing before my eyes daily, everywhere I turn another memory is waiting to ambush me. Last night my dog was sick all night and I had to take her to the vet today. Canceled a meeting I had set up for a project my mom wants me to do where she works- little play she wanted me to direct. I tried to say no. I tried to back out. But she really thought it would help.
Last week I canceled for BD4 being up all night throwing up. Today it was the dog. Can I take the dog? Can I handle her on my own?
To take her to the vet today I had to drive to the side of town where my old house is. Twice and back b/c they kept her there to treat her and do xrays. I used to like driving by my old digs, or down my old street for nostalgia reasons. I don't anymore. It makes me ill, like I'm stepping back in time and erasing all I grew to hold within my heart these past 6 years.
And Now...
I'm facing moving into a strange home alone- well with the kids. But I've never moved into my own place before. I moved from my parents to a dorm to my first H's apartment (HATE typing them numerically now) to our first home. He moved out when we divorced. I stayed in the house that was already safe and familiar.
I lived in that house ten years, five single, then moved in here with my STBX.
And now I'm moving out. And for the first time a man will occupy my home without ME in it, and in all likelihood as fast as he's moving, he will move her into it. She will paint over all the ways I made it mine.
And he will tell her to put her own touches on it - he likes them so much more than how it was- just like he did me.
This is the time of year we courted, met in April, were already serious by the end of May. I helped him throw his getting out of the military party on Memorial Day weekend. My mom baked the cake for that party.
My family all came, some meeting him for the first time.
I am so pathetically devastated. I have recovered from heartbreak before. From divorce before. I've moved out before, but right back in with my 1st H way before we were married.
This is an entirely different level of beast.
For the first time in my life, I can't see my future. That's a line from the Single Man, the movie I saw last month that was so adequate in it's portrayal of grief that I sobbed throughout. (don't see it if you're in a bad place, trust me.)
That's how I feel. I don't know how I'm going to do this again. I just don't. Every fiber of my being is resisting, mourning, so incredibly...
broken. And he is moving happily along at warp speed.
Maybe that's why. There's the balance. He went by so fast that I can't catch up. He wants to win the race away from the pain. And I never wanted to run on this path for anything.
Thanks for listening...
- Sita Tara's blog
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Comments
Sita, I'm sorry your going
Sita, I'm sorry your going through this and I really don't have any advice and I'm not sure your looking for advice, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you.
Sita, I, too, am so sorry.
Sita,
I, too, am so sorry. Just reading your blog left me with tears in my eyes and a lump in the pit of my stomach for you. I CANNOT imagine the intense pain you are feeling now. I cannot begin to fathom it for even a moment.
So all I can do is continue to keep you where you always are...
in my heart and in my prayers.
Sita, I know you think your
Sita, I know you think your STBX is happy..but it won't last. A relationship formed out of infidelity has less than a one in one hundred chance of working. He has way too much baggage, and once things get comfortable he'll be unhappy and off again in search of a relationship that he doesn't have to put any emotion or work into.
Is that supposed to make you feel better? I don't know. You are going through a rough time, and I'm sorry.
You have hard times ahead. There's a grieving process and you're going to have to get through it the best way you know how. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about that process, or how long they think it should take you, etc.
Just don't let that man take all of you. Yes, it's going to be scary for a while, but you'll get to where you need to go...things will eventually fall into place and you may even find yourself grateful in some ways for what you are going through. One thing is for sure, you are definitely going to figure out exactly what you are made of in this whole process.
Bless you hon...and hang in there.
I am with you on this
I am with you on this one.
Statistically, relationships founded in infidelity - may go on for a long time - but aren't happy. Think about it. They met by cheating so they will question when the next time the other will cheat? How can you trust a cheater? That relationship can't be founded on trust.
I can only tell you to LOVE YOURSELF and others will love you - and it teaches your kids to love themselves as well.
Stand naked in front of the mirror and find something you like about yourself. Even if you have to force yourself. It's a good exercise in self appreciation.
Time heals all wounds.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER compare yourself to the woman he is with. There's no point. The issues are HIS to deal with.
I don't even know you and want to hug you Sita.
Ouch. is all I can think
Ouch. is all I can think after reading this. So much hurt and pain.
It will get better. Life will go on. It has to. For your and your daughter. Hugs and prayers for you!!!
In five minutes please check
In five minutes please check your front door step. On it will be a well.. almost barely visible mist but scoop it up none the less and put it in your pocket. Don't worry it won't wash out or disappear. It will travel with you. That mist is all my might, all the strength I can muster. It is all yours for as long as you need it. I am with you, my friend.
Sita, you probably get a lot
Sita, you probably get a lot of advice about how things will get better, you'll be so much better off in the long run, etc.
But right now, give yourself the opportunity to grieve. You don't owe anyone anything and you don't owe anyone the courtesy of trying to keep it together. Take the time to be sad, to experience it all. I think you made a good decision to go to therapy because at some point, you have to be a make a conscious decision to let go of the sadness. You'll feel empty when it happens. Sadness, depression, it is surprisingly fulfilling, which is an odd thing to think about. It gives you something to hold onto, something to hold onto your ex with. But when you finally make that decision to let it go, there's emptiness. It's very real and it can be very scary.
That emptiness will need to be filled again and it will be your opportunity to chose how to fill it. Only you can decide what direction your life will take and how you want to be fulfilled. You will find your footing and you'll walk forward, head strong.
But for now, don't worry about that stuff. Grieve your loss. Grieve however you feel you need to. Do what you need to do. Seems you've got a lot of love and support on this site and I know we're all wishing you well.
very well said.
very well said.
Keep putting one foot in
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. The foolish (I'm being polite) man sabotaged your marriage, don't let him destroy your spirit too. Get through one day at a time. One hour at a time if you have to.
Taking anti-depressants is not an admission of failure. Like a life jacket, the anti-depressants will help you keep your head above water, but you will still have to choose a direction and swim for shore.
You will find happiness again, and each breath (even the shakey ones) brings you closer.
Sita, i don't know you very
Sita,
i don't know you very well but have read your story. It's pretty similar to mine. Caught hubby #2 cheating in august of 2009. at first he denied it, then swore it was over...then we tried not to discuss it. In Nov 2009 hubby #2 was acting funny again and i found phone bill proof the affair had continued. SO hubby #2 and i have been seperated since Nov. 2009. We tried counseling for a few months (from Jan-April). Hubby lied and down played the whole affair trust issue. Basically the counseling was a huge waste of time and money. i should have just gone alone.
i've experienced all the same emotions you have.
didn't want to be divorced twice.
this was not my fault.
what will my future hold?
i don't want to be a single mom again.
My hub is also moving along at light speed into another relationship.
i recently started reading the men are from venus book "starting over". It tells about the HUGE difference between men and women. You should check it out. it will help show you that what you are feeling is normal. and that your sbtx's behavior is typical of men.
i haven't even begun to file paperwork although i'm sure i will eventually. I've come to the conclusion that our relationship will never be the same as it was. We had no kids together, thankfully. I was sm to his 2 incredibly rude kids. my DS10 is heart broken that his father figure of 5 years can walk away from us with no 2nd thought.
it's a tough road...some days are better than others.
keep talking.
i'm listening.
Thank you so much. You do
Thank you so much. You do know. That helps more than I can express. Many others know too and they have helped me.
I feel like I take a tiny step forward, then fall backward off a cliff and have to start the climb all over again.
My sons are struggling too.
And though I rationally know it's not my fault I struggle with a lot of things I did to contribute to our not working out, even though I still thought we would make it through and had no clue he wasn't capable of turning toward me when he had doubts himself.
He is so...
calculated now. Methodical. As though there never was a love between us. Makes me feel as though I was in the marriage by myself.
oh yes. calculated....cruel.
oh yes. calculated....cruel. my counselor said hubs was immature, selfish and cruel. sometimes he will say things JUST to get me upset. so i try not to deal with him much. he was coaching DS's baseball team but suddenly stopped. I had to go to practices and games to listen to other parents ask how hubs was doing. i didn't want to tell them the truth - that we were seperated - that he's a grade A asswipe. so i put on a good face. thankfully our last game was this past weekend and i don't have to deal with that anymore.
i also started anti depressants a few months ago. they do work to keep my constant anxiety under control. i take a very small dose and i'm terrified to stop taking them until this is over. if i could cry and scream when i wanted it would be different but i have a kid, job and home to maintain. i'm sure if i jumped into another relationship i'd temporarily forget about the pain....but that would not be helpful to me in the long run.
"Makes me feel as though I was in the marriage by myself." oh yes i agree. knowing what hub #2 was capable of while we were married makes me really question my judge of character in others. which then lowers my self esteem. i've always lived by the "do unto others.." way of life. So sad when you find out someone you love & trusted took TOTAL advantage of that.
slow and steady - one day at a time.
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. (((hugs)))
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your care and concern. I wish sometimes I could have everyone here to put your arms around me and hold me while I let it all out at once. I feel like the tears are in endless supply now. I have no focus for anything good. There is no joy. I have never in my adult life felt so incapable of adjusting to a change. It's as though unlike the tears, my perseverance had a threshold and I've crossed it with one too many heartbreaks.
(((((Sita))))) Whilst we
(((((Sita)))))
Whilst we might not be there in body, we are in spirit
When I'm hurting I find screaming & shouting helps (as does breaking things) so perhaps a session in the yard with some china you hate?
It's funny you mention
It's funny you mention breaking things as a release. I was upset last night & remembered a thing I saw on TV about some place people go for therapy. The place has a bunch of old cars...like a wrecking yard or something, & you pay money. They hand you a sledge hammer & turn you loose in this wrecking yard of cars...gas tanks & glass removed. It's like a buffet...you can stay as long as you swing that hammer to release your anger, frustration...whatever. Anyway, I was upset last night & was wishing for a therapy session.
Sita, give the medication
Sita, give the medication some time, it will help. I feel so bad for you and hate to see you struggling with this. It is okay to mourn & grieve because it is a huge loss. You can't put a timeline on it, all you can do is just take it one day at a time. You are going to make it through all this, you have to because of BD4. You are her rock.
There are so many of us who care about you because you are a person worth caring about. Hugs, Sweetthing.
Thanks...I am stopping it
Thanks...I am stopping it today. I read the side effects and it said if you have a rapid change/worsening depression stop asap. I was blue before starting it. I was sobbing uncontrollably within a week of starting it.
Oh MamaSita. I wish I could
Oh MamaSita.
I wish I could help carry some of this for you.
I know you loved him. He loved you too, Sita. In his own dysfunctional, selfish and incapable way.
It's really hard to accept when someone doesn't love us the way we want them to. Fifteen years later, I can still feel the sting of being left in a horrible way, with my poor son who didn't realize that he was the more than likely the only reason I kept existing.
Your kids simply miss you laughter, Sita. They weren't making fun of you, they just want to see your smile.
I believe in you... always.
~CG
I can't believe any of it now
I can't believe any of it now CG it's as though the whole 6 years means nothing in the end. A huge waste of time, energy, heartache, my love, my devotion, my life.
If he loved me truly he couldn't have chosen to hurt me this way. Leave me? Maybe. But this way? No. It such a devastating act of aggression against me. Not just the infidelity.
I question if he ever really loved me or let me in. If he had it would cost him too much to put me through this. I cannot comprehend putting anyone through this mess I knew or cared about. It would crush my soul to hurt someone I claimed to love this way.
If he never shows me remorse I don't think I can ever look at him again. I want to sit him down and have him just listen to me, to my feelings, to my pain, to hear and know and not be able to avoid what he's done any longer.
I know Sita. I meant that he
I know Sita.
I meant that he loved you.. in the only way he knows how. Trying to fill the proverbial cup, loving you for the way you made him feel. Not for the woman that you are.
All this junk is him just trying to make himself feel better. If he makes you out to be the bad guy (shifting, blaming, disrespect of the current marriage)? Then he can be okay. He doesn't know how to walk away from a relationship without condemnation.
It wasn't a lie at the time... at least not to him. He probably felt that you were his great love. You just weren't aware of what that really meant. You didn't know this person that was hiding behind the facade. You want that guy back because the person he is now wouldn't be committing such crimes against you.
He is both of these people. All wrapped up in a tidy little package of selfishness.
Sita, Last year you gave me
Sita,
Last year you gave me lots of encouragement when I was going through my divorce. Grief therapy helps, not only does it let you look inside yourself but you come out a different person--full of knowledge of you.
Thinking back, one of the things that made my divorce so difficult, besided the cheating, besides the insults, besides everything, was my anger.
I was so angry at myself for not seeing it all happen and for letting it all happen.
Eventually it was a bump to put me back into a path that was meant for me. Wether it is alone or with someone, I and YOU have to remember that you are still your core person. You are still Sita and you still have YOU.
"I was so angry at myself for
"I was so angry at myself for not seeing it all happen and for letting it all happen."
Me too.
I was an OW once when I was young and single. But I walked away and let them repair the damage and find their way back to each other. They celebrated their 10th anniversary this past Dec as my own marriage was falling apart before half that milestone.
How did this happen to me? Did I invite this into my life? Did I choose a way to repay my karma? How did I think he was above this? Why did I have so much faith in him? Why did I not know that he didn't value me the way I did him? Why did I feel he was capable of long term long haul, of not being vulnerable to the attention from another woman? Why did I give everything til I had nothing left to give?
I can't stop this...this falling feeling. I don't even think I'm at rock bottom yet.
Yes, I ahve been there too.
Yes, I ahve been there too. There were times I got out of bed because I basically had to. At one of my lowest points I drunk called the other woman and cursed her out till kingdom come.
That wasn't my best moment. I felt ashamed for days afterward. Then I thought, why should I feel ashamed?
What was I doing? Trying my best to keep a ship from sinking that's what.
It is not easy Sita. And, regardless of what you did in your earlier years, you don't deserve this pain.
I think people like you and me spend years YEARS YEARS trying to compensate for things we did wrong earlier in life. It is our own brand of self punishment.
But honey, it is ok to forgive yourself. Who doesn't make mistakes? I still make mistakes and I dare say everyone here does too. The important thing is to learn from them and to try your best to not make them again.
In a year, you will look back at this time in your life and you will come to accept that it is part of the tapestry that makes Sita.
Certainly you had no real choice in it, but now it is what it is. He is who he is. You are who you are. Your job is to make this work for you.
So what if you are divorcing again. Did you want it? No. Did you try to work it out? Yes. Is he an a*****e? Yes.
Now what: (notes from when I went through it)
1) Sleep when you can
Listen to "I will survive"
2) welcome the day (it is one more after all)
3) Pray
4) Eat
5) Respect yourself and your dignity
6) It is Ok to be afraid
7) Know you are tougher than you look
I get what you eman though about starting over. It's been over a year for me and I just gort a bed. I had to get a second job. And financially, I am still recovering. If you need to talk PM me. I have given you my # in the past and will gladly share it again.
I won't mind if you call at any hour. I can at least listen and encourage you. (((hugs)))
I called my Dr... The nurse
I called my Dr...
The nurse who's known me for the past 10 years said it sounds as though the med is making me worse than it was and the Dr may want to stop it.
I think I'm in agreement.
I was only having problems with coping when the skies were gray and that happens often enough around here that I thought I needed the help of this med. But now I'm crying all day every day- sobbing, since starting the med. I feel surreal again kind of like the early days. I know in the past whenever I tried these kind of meds, which I did once when I was stressing out as a single mom putting myself through college, that I seem to have strong reactions to them. They may not work for me.
Might have to go to my sister's herbal store and try something gentler.
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this after all you put into the marriage and his daughter.
It does take about 2 or 3 wks for the antidepressants to help. And you usually have to up them a few times before you get the right dose, since they start you off small.
It will not cure you of the feelings you have but it will help you to feel a bit better.
Good luck to you.
(((Sita))) The others here
(((Sita))) The others here are all right-it's hard. I look at my youngest and smile; actually I look at all of them and smile. I couldn't understand what I did to make him not love me anymore and it took me awhile to realize he's missing out. He made his choices and forced us into ours and I didn't know how to accept or deal with it. I didn't know how I was going to pay all of the bills, fend for the kids, even just move forward. I had a hard time with soccer, with scouts, with basic functioning. I felt awful when I cried everyday trying not to let my oldest ones see how pathetic I felt things were. Sita, us gals are the strong ones. Someone thought we should give birth, and be more intuitive, and all of the dozens of things women were graced with being more able to handle for a reason
I read and I wrote alot. And the kids and I carried on. It was a life sprinkled with bits of "them" until I moved. I ran away-from him and her. I couldn't afford living "back there". I thought it's what was best and by degrees it has been.