Resentment
I know that this question has been posed before but how does one get over the resentment that comes from years of being on an emotional rollercoaster caused by your DH? (you can refer back to my previous blogs, there is only a couple)
DH and I, over the last couple of years have gone to numerous counseling sessions. He could always "talk the talk" but when it came time to implement any strategies, he failed miserably. It wasn't until I told him in March that I had an exit plan in place that he finally and truly stepped up to the plate.
It's been 13 f***ing years and my patience is gone...Everytime he is human and slips up or does something that used to be mildly annoying (and now feels intolerable), I feel such a rage towards him.
In some ways I feel like too much damage has been done. But I also recognize that, in the big picture, very little time has passed since his "awakening" and I need to give him the time to prove himself to me...4 months of him being the husband and father that we need him to be is not enough yet to make me feel secure in this relationship.
I have cut this man sooo much slack in the last 13 years that I am terrified to cut him any more (give an inch...take a mile). I need to be able to balance out my need for self-protection with DH's need for positive reinforcement in order to continue on this path.
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Comments
Thank you for commenting on
Thank you for commenting on this HSG. I'm sorry that things did not work out for you and STBXH. I agree with what you have written. It is extremely difficult to put myself back out there again and I guess as long as DH is consistent, that is all I can ask for at this time...I just wish these feelings would disappear so that I can truly give him his "last chance" at making things right, for him, me and our family.
The only thing that has ever
The only thing that has ever really taken away a resentment for me is prayer-sorry if you're not into the spiritual stuff, but thats what has worked for me...prayer...praying for myself, and praying for whoever I see as the cause of my resentment (in your case, your DH).
Oh stepkate...I could
Oh stepkate...I could probably use this in my life. I consider myself spiritual but not religious at all..sort of a holy heathen, I guess
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I am so glad you replied to
I am so glad you replied to my post, StepAside. I was thinking of you when I wrote it and hoping that I would hear from you.
You are so right that I have choices. I did start with making firm boundaries that gives me back some of the control over my own life.
Unfortunately, I am still at the stage of railing at all the injustices that have been inflicted upon me (I feel like a 5 yr old,stomping my feet and yelling-Not Fair,Not Fair)
Sigh...I know that this too is a choice that I have made. It is my choice to allow the resentment to wash over me and the only one with any control over it is...me. But I struggle with a way to control these feelings...maybe it is a "fake it til you make it kind of deal" IDK
If he didn't value you enough
If he didn't value you enough to clean up his act and respect your feelings for 13 years, why now? People make time for what matters to them. If he can make time to watch a football game with his buddies or take his kid to a baseball game, he can make time to take you out for a romantic "thank you for all you do" dinner. A man who doesn't make you a priority does not value you and if he doesn't value you, he will treat you like crap. Sadly, if we stay, we show them that we don't think much of ourselves either. I think after a long relationship of putting up with being devalued, sloppy seconds to his kids, and BM etc, we eventually lose a sense of our own self worth. As our self esteem deflates, we get older and more sheltered and tend to fear the unknown more. Its a downward spiral. After so long and so much, I am not sure there can ever be trust and love and a life free of resentment. My question is, does he deserve to have his slate wiped clean? Should he be forgiven for the 13 years of not listening? Your life is short, the only one you get, and how much value has he taken away versus how much has he added? How much have you sacrificed? After 13 years, you have much to think about, and it is hard to see the forest through the trees. You cannot gain perspective with him sitting two feet away from you telling you how he has seen the light and everything will be great. Here is what I recommend if you are able. Get some distance to think. Take a week for yourself. Value yourself. Get away somewhere you love, to a little cabin or a hotel on the beach or in the woods or whatever, just yourself so you don't have anyone's voice except your own. Bring a journal, walk on the beach, pamper yourself and think about the past 13 years and what you want for your future. I find that when women step away from the men who make their lives miserable, the weight is lifted and they are quick to recall their own value again. It isn't so bad to be alone with our lady friends and our kids and our own interests. Sounds corny, but rent the movie Under the Tuscan Sun on Friday, take of Saturday for a week that is all about you. It may change your life. If in the end you decide you man is the best option and worth the work, the week to clear your mind may also begin to clear a bit of that resentment. Good luck.
My question is, does he
My question is, does he deserve to have his slate wiped clean? Should he be forgiven for the 13 years of not listening? Your life is short, the only one you get, and how much value has he taken away versus how much has he added? How much have you sacrificed? After 13 years, you have much to think about, and it is hard to see the forest through the trees. You cannot gain perspective with him sitting two feet away from you telling you how he has seen the light and everything will be great.
Thank you Forever2...you have given me a lot to think about. I suspect that when I am able to answer these questions for myself, many things will fall into place.
forever 2 - great response.
forever 2 - great response. Deep down I knew this but am too afraid to face it. I have two vacations this year w/my sister & both were uplifting. Its nice to be w/someone who loves you and acts it and vice versa.
The resentment only left, for
The resentment only left, for me, after I left. For 7 years, I would always fall for the "I'm sorry. I'll change." and go back. At the end, I felt such hatred for my XH that it turned me into such an ugly person. A person that I could never have thought I'd become. I had a friend tell me "your spouse is supposed to bring out the best in you, not the worst". This man brought out the worst by far! I surrounded myself with wonderful friends and a great support group and left for good. I was DONE! And this felt like an entirely different "DONE" than it did in the past. It's hard to explain. I then went through the "I can't BELIEVE I put up with that shit" phase. I looked back and was more disgusted with myself, for staying and falling for the lies for so long, than I was with XH for being an ass. He was an ass, chose to be an ass and will always be one. I, on the other hand, was the one that chose to put up with it and stay. WTF was wrong with ME? There was such a weight lifted when I finally left him. I got happy with myself and when I least expected it, I found a wonderful man that respects and loves me. Even now, when I look back, the first thing that comes to mind is "wow, I must have been in a really bad place with myself to put up with all that". And, I was. XH fed off that and added to it everyday with his put-downs, emotional abuse, etc.
I never knew just how bad it was until I was on the outside looking back. I will never allow somebody to have that control over me again.
I can relate to the
I can relate to the self-loathing that you felt for putting up with all the crap for so long. God, my self-esteem has taken such a beating and my DH is in no way abusive, just extremely irresponsible.
I am really hoping to get rid of the resentment and not the man (especially if he keeps proving himself to me as he has in the last 4 months).