Santa?
Am I the only parent who disagrees with the idea of playing this Santa thing up as long as possible - the the point of outright LYING to the kids when they get old enough to question it?
I know, I know, it's way too early for this but bear with me please.
At my house Santa has always been talked about but always in a 'wink-wink, nudge-nudge' kind of way. I never, ever once told my children that Santa was real. When they were young I didn't specifically say he wasn't real either. I put gifts under the tree from 'Santa' but it was always fairly obvious that it was me doing it.
I won't get into the reasons too much except to say that I don't like lying to my kids and I don't think it's good for them to one day find out that I went to lengths to 'fool' them, plus I think the giving part of Christmas is more important than the receiving part. There's a whole debate around that I know, it's not what I want to get into on this blog though.
Anyway, I have 2 children in their late 20's, one who is 17 and a 3 year old. I also have SD7 and SD5 who are with us every second Christmas. This year they are scheduled to be with us.
In this country parents tend to go WAY overboard on the lying about Santa thing. It's not at all unusual for 12 or 13 year olds to still believe that Santa is real. When these kids, at 8 or 9, come to their parents to say they've heard Santa isn't real or to say that they've figured it out and that it just doesn't make sense, the parents respond by going way overboard to convince the kid that they are wrong and that Santa is real. They consider it a testament to their good parenting if they can fool the kids for another few years. Personally, I find this very distasteful as I think that a child who has figured it out should be rewarded with the truth for thinking for themselves and that if they are accepting of it then they are ready. I think that if a parent tells them they are wrong it undermines their belief in their ability to reason things out. Anyway, again that's a whole argument in itself and not why I'm here right now.
The problem is that I have one way of dealing with Santa with my children but I know the steps will be dealt with a completely opposite way. I can see big problems ahead. Now this year my DD is only 3 so she's not likely to question it so it may not be an issue this year. Still, I won't be playing up the Santa thing a whole lot at my house and I expect huge problems from BM if I do/say anything other than make SD, who will be 8 by Christmas, doubt. It is my opinion that by age 8 they should be helping with gifts from Santa for the smaller ones. SO has no strong opinions and will follow my lead.
What I don't want is a situation where my SD realizes while at my house that there is no real Santa - again, I wouldn't specifically TELL her this but she'd probably figure it out by my casual attitude toward it - much like the tooth fairy or easter bunny - and then she goes home and BM spends the next year telling her I'm wrong and mean and ugly, etc. I don't want to confuse the child. On the other hand, I don't intend to participate in elaborate deceptions over it and I want my own child to learn to think, analyze, and rationalize things instead of believing in things that don't exist. Again, I think the importance is in the GIVING, not in the receiving. My skids have no concept of giving and so I think it's extra important that the focus be there since they will spend this Christmas with us.
What do you think? How should I handle 'Santa' this year?
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Comments
I felt this way with my kids
I felt this way with my kids too. Their grandparents are the ones who have perpetuated it. BS is 9 and has always known santa wasn't real but for a couple of years I asked him to pretend because "grandma and grampa would be sad to find out he's not real". We actually had a good time with this but he's old enough now we don't pretend anymore. BD4 seems to know but she would be less likely to cooperate with the ruse as my son was. I only went along with my parents because the fantasy seemed so important to them. Even when we were kids we would keep pretending we believed because they enjoyed it so much.
I don't really know how I'd handle it with SD, it didn't come up this past xmas and we won't have her for the next but I guess if I were you I'd avoid the topic or say ask BF.
There is a court order in
There is a court order in place. She has them Christmas Eve/Christmas morning odd years and we have them Christmas Eve/Christmas morning even years. This year is our year.
I DO want to have them for Christmas. I just don't know how to handle the Santa thing. It isn't just a problem for the day anyway, it's the weeks leading up to Christmas as well that the Santa attitude will be in play.
I DO understand that it could
I DO understand that it could be upsetting to a child who believes to be told he isn't real and the last thing I want to do is cause any upset for any of the kids.
I guess my dilemma is on one hand since they already have this OTT belief, I don't think it's up to me to crush it but on the other hand I don't want MY child to have those delusions.
I'll have to step carefully.
I'm kind of into Halloween. I
I'm kind of into Halloween. I go all out decorating and making the entrance to my home spooky - complete with computer controlled effects, dry ice, etc. I generally do more designing and decorating for Halloween than I do for Christmas. I don't care so much about the candy part though.
No, I didn't put the
No, I didn't put the illusions there so I'm certainly not going to be the 'bad guy' who disillusions them. I think they'll figure it out though since the hype over santa won't be the same in our house.
For the last 3 years crazy BM has told SD7 that Santa sent BM an email telling her that SD7 was 'top of the list', or the 'best' child in all the world.
I think that is wrong on so many levels, but I recognize that it's not my place to correct it.
I do have them pick something
I do have them pick something for Santa to bring (all with a wink-wink) and if it's too much I'll tell them that they should choose something else because it might be too much for Santa.
A side beef of mine - BM make a HUGE deal out of having them believe in Santa yet she gets them NONE of the things they ask Santa for. BM and her sister collect these stupid Sylvanian family things (neither kid has any interest) and THAT is what the kids get for Christmas regardless of what they ask for. Last year both children complained to us about it and said 'Mommy said that's the magic of Santa, he gets to decide what you get.'
crazy bitch
My SS was 11 and still
My SS was 11 and still believed because his mother use to say Stop believing - stop receiving - he was in 5th grade and his new friends were saying that there was no Santa - he came home from school and looked at me and said "Mom is there really a Santa Claus - please tell me I want to know - My mom says there is and all the kids at school say there isn't. I told him to hang on I had to go to the bathroom and immediately called my DH and SS's BM and asked permission to tell him the truth. (I mean come on he is in 5th grade and still believes - this was my first Christmas with him - also his mother just tried to have fly as an unaccompanied minor at the age of 17 but that is another whole blog). Both DH and BM gave me permission to have the talk with him. So I went and built a fire made some Hot Chocolate and sat him down and told him the truth - he asked me all kinds of questions and I answered them for him. My daughter is 5 and still believes but this may be my last year. We have fun writing letters and putting out cookies for Santa. I do think there is an age that they need to know it is not true or like my SS the kids will make fun of them in school.
i was never one to understand
i was never one to understand santa.i don't want some old guy in a red suit and last seasons black boots to get credit for my gift giving generousity.i would rather have my child know his mom cared enough to take time wrapping presents and shopping for things on his christmas list.i don't think you should break the news about no santa,but don't fake it either by being hyper about santa coming.just be your normal self.
There are plenty of 12 and 13
There are plenty of 12 and 13 year old in this country who still believe and the parents are PROUD that they've managed to fool these kids for so long.
Me? I'd be ashamed to have raised kids that freaking stupid!
What???? Santa is real at
What???? Santa is real at our house!
Well, not to get sidetracked
Well, not to get sidetracked into a religious debate but...
Jesus probably wasn't born anywhere near December 25th and Christmas was actually a pagan holiday that was hijacked by Christianity to try to make Christianity more appealing to pagans.
I've lived in Bethlehem and I assure you it doesn't snow at Christmastime and there is no holly growing for thousands of miles around.
I still tell my kids that
I still tell my kids that santa is real-they are 12,11, 8-the older two definitely know he's not and the 8 has serious doubts-but I talk to them about the magic of Christmas and sometimes we all need to believe in a little magic. Oh, as a side note I live in a town called Santa Claus where it's christmas all year round. In fact, i saw santa at my local grocery store the other week buying bananas.
My kids are 21, 17, 16, 14,
My kids are 21, 17, 16, 14, and 9. All three will tell you they believe in Santa. I'm not sure when our society decided that magic and wonder are bad things. I remember forgetting for a few minutes on Christmas morning that Santa had help....and I was in college at the time.
I've always told my kids that if you believe in Santa, he will come. When my son was 6, a child in his class told him that Santa wasn't real. I told him that kids who don't believe in Santa have to settle for presents from their parents.
I've always told my kids that
I've always told my kids that if you believe in Santa, he will come.
I think there are 1000s of children living in extreme poverty who might disagree with you.
I'm not sure when our society decided that magic and wonder are bad things.
magic - There is no such thing and I see no good coming from making a child believe in something that isn't real. I have no problem play acting with them as long as they know it's all pretend.
wonder - I have NO problem with this and I think it's healthy. There are plenty of real things that create it though - the size of the earth for example? Showing a child a globe and seeing them really relate to it? Amazing! There is so much that we find in nature can cause a sense of wonder in a child. Watching bees or ants for example. Watching a cat or dog give birth, teaching a child to read and seeing their reaction when they read that first sentence on their own for the first time. There is no end to the wondrous things that children experience as they grow and learn and these are much more worthwhile than lying to them about a fat guy dressed in red who will bring them things if they are 'good'. Wouldn't it be better to give them a sense of wonder over Christmas by having them help you make and wrap gifts to take to kids who otherwise won't have a christmas or to older people who have been all but deserted in retirement homes?
That was like my SS's BM -
That was like my SS's BM - she would tell him - stop believing - stop receiving!!! The kid was 11 and getting made fun of at school it was insane that she made him keep it up!!!
You know...it's funny. I
You know...it's funny. I read things like this and can't help but feel it's a slap at my parenting ability. Yet I somehow have five, healthy normal kids.
-My oldest is a Junior at a major university and in ROTC. He'll graduate in about a year and receive a commission in the U.S. Army as an officer. He'll have a guaranteed stable, well-paying job immediately upon graduation. Just for being in ROTC, he receives $800 a month. Plus, he is on a full ROTC scholarship. He pays nothing for tuition, room, board,....everything is full covered.
My next oldest (SS17) is a senior in high school. He makes decent grades B/C...and four out of his six classes are AP. He's already been accepted by early admission to college.
My daughter (BD16) is a straight A National Honor Society Member.
My daughter (SD14) is a Freshman in high school. She is A/B student.
My youngest (BS9) is in the third grade...I guess the jury is still out on that one.
All five are involved in numerous extra-curricular and church activities. The older kids have part-time jobs.
I'm not bragging at all. But out of the five kids...not one has ever been in any trouble. Not even so much as a in-school suspension. No drugs..no traffic tickets...no teen pregnancies...no screaming and yelling matches in my house. Nothing but the typical occasional mouthy teen stuff.
I'm not necessarily trying to defend my parenting style. Or our love for Santa! But I've read some of the stories. And I think comparatively speaking, we're doing a pretty good job with our kids.
You are right. ((hugs)) I'm
You are right. ((hugs))
I'm not sure why I've always felt so strongly about this issue.
Obviously, my 21 year old and my teens don't believe that a fat man in a red suit comes barreling down our chimney. But I've never told them otherwise. And their eyes still light up on Christmas morning when they come barreling down the stairs at 5am. And it has very little to do with the presents under the tree.
We did have that issue with my stepkids when we were non-custodial. BM told them when they were very little that "there was no Santa". I simply responded by saying "Well, he sure comes to this house! You think we could afford all those presents for five kids?"
It's not a slap at your
It's not a slap at your parenting ability. It's just a difference of opinion.
There isn't one right way. I don't think I ever said that my way was what is best for everyone. It's just my way.
I never would have believed
I never would have believed there are so many santa haters out there. If the bm wants santa to be part of her christmas tradition why would anyone even care? some of the bm's out there are abusive, drug addicts, who turn children against their other parent and stepfamily. These are way bigger issues than santa. Do you people never let your children engage in imaginary play? Isnt it a "lie" if they pretend to be a mom or a dad, or a doctor, or a teacher Or are those lies ok because they are not fictious characters. Has noone ever read a book (a work of fiction) as a child and acted as a character in the book? Would you really stop your child from exploring their imagination and fantasy world? Truth be told, I've never actually seen a 12 or 13 year old who believes in santa. My 8 year old truly doesnt believe, but she hangs onto it because its a lovely story and fun to pretend sometimes. No one has ever made fun of her for believing. Everyone on here goes on and on about how we dont like being judged, but gee you guys are judging people for believing in SANTA! Soooo many bigger issues to deal with in this complicated life.
Who hates Santa? Not me. Of
Who hates Santa? Not me.
Of course children should engage in imaginative play. The key though, is that they know where imagination stops and reality begins.
I don't tell them 'You REALLY are a mommy today. REALLY' and then persist in trying to make them believe they are the the mommy it even when they make it clear that they are tired of the game.
Who did any judging about whether or not people believe in Santa? I didn't see any judging going on. I saw people stating their opinions, that's all.
Why are you so sensitive about the subject? Why do you get all bent out of shape because someone has a different opinion?
A couple of people around here seem to take it as a personal insult if someone expresses an opinion or belief that differs from theirs. Are you that insecure about what you believe? Can't you let others have their own opinions or does everyone have to think like you do?
Who's bent out of shape? I
Who's bent out of shape? I was just stating my people that I found it hard to believe so many people were against santa.
When my kids were younger
When my kids were younger (13x2 and stb12), we had them believing that Santa was on our speed dial. Any issues in the days leading up to Christmas were resolved with a quick call to Santa--actually my parents. The best part is that later (hours or days), one of my parents would call back and ask how the child(ren) in question was behaving and we would be able to give glowing reports to "Santa". Before my dad passed, he loved calling the younger kids of his own friends and act like Santa (always mindful to NOT promise a child any certain toy...). Kids are "clued in" by their peers at school way before a parent is ready for it, but in my house, our saying is "If you don't believe, you don't receive". I don't, for one minute, think my kids still believe in Santa, but it helps them achieve that peice of innocence that comes with being able to believe in a jolly old guy that delivers presents in the night. They still open presents on Christmas morning that are from Santa. They also open presents from the cat and dog...do they believe the cat and dog went out and shopped for them? Certainly not. We have also had a birthday cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. I just think that each child will take whatever memories they like and bring them into their families when they get older...some should be more serious and some should just be fun....(we also still do the Easter Basket from the Easter Bunny!)
Awwww.... it's fun to believe
Awwww.... it's fun to believe in Santa I think. All our kids know that there isn't a REAL Santa but it's just fun to pretend. When I was a kid my brother and I would tear the house apart looking for presents and what do you know, the things we found were the things "Santa" left. Well we were plenty smart enough to figure that out but it was still just fun!