The hits just keep on coming...
While H went to pick up SD for her weeklong visit I went to my parents to kill some time. The plan was to stay there until H had to leave for work at which point SD would be in bed and H would be out the door so I'd have a mostly relaxed night before the week really got rolling. I was at my parent's for about a half hour when I got a call from H telling me he had gotten into an accident right after he had picked up SD. Thankfully no one was hurt but the car wasn't drivable so I had to go pick them up.
If you are familiar with any of my posts/blogs/replies then you know how much effort I put into avoiding being around H and SD at the same time. I have not been in a car with them since the trip to Hell or in a room with them for more than a few moments. To do so causes overwhelming anxiety. I am working on this. However I was not ready for such a huge dose of them just yet...
SD lives 2 hours away. He had just picked her up so they were 2 hours away from the house. Translation: I would be trapped in a car with them for 2 HOURS! I had a lovely anxiety attack. I pulled myself together as best I could and drove up to get them.
I stopped by the house and picked up my mp3 player, I figured if it got to be too much I could just put the earphones in and drown them out. Meanwhile BM had picked SD up so she wouldn't be sitting at D&D during the time it took me to get there. I got to H, hugged him and made sure he was ok. He was sore, embarassed, worried I would be mad about the car, and had a bruised ego but otherwise he was ok. I assured him it was just a car, it was more important that everyone was ok, and we had plenty of insurance, no worries.
We went to BM's to pick up SD. I was very anxious about this because the last time I went with H to a pick up at her house, BM lost her shit and banned H from coming near the house again. They have met at a D&D for pick ups and drop offs ever since. She didn't offer to meet us so we went there and I hoped for the best. Thankfully that went well, and I relaxed a little. Just a little.
On the drive home H and SD were chatting a bit, I did not join in as I was still feeling like hen trapped in a foxhole and was just trying to keep myself together. H would ask me something and I'd answer but he could tell I was not in the mood for talking. He started asking me about insurance stuff since he had never been in an accident before so as we talked about that I was finally starting to relax...
And then in the middle of our conversation...in the middle of what I was saying, he turned around to fuss over a child that was perfectly content playing her game quietly. Not just an over the shoulder, 'you ok back there?', a full turn to the back, complete attention on SD, for a good 5 minute conversation. I did not say a word but by the time H turned back around in the seat I was already wearing and blaring my headphones. I'm so glad I brought them. He got nothing but one word answers after that. He crawled up my ass to find out what my problem was and so I finally told him. H said he didn't realize he did it, I said I know and that's the sad part. The rest of the ride (about 1 3/4 hours) was very peaceful behind my musical shield.
Now, I know this may sound petty but it was really f'n rude and seeing as how it's one of the issues we have (him pampering this kid even when she's content), him ignoring the conversation we were in the middle of, it just set me off. The only way I can describe getting so upset over something that seems so small to most people is this: If you have ever broken or bang your nose (or any body part)really hard my analogy should make sense. Before you hurt your nose (or whatever) you could flick it with your finger and although annoying, it wouldn't hurt. After the injury, if you tried to do that it would hurt a hell of a lot more, maybe as much as when you hurt it in the first place. Most of us here are not petty we just have a lot of pain from previous injuries and our SO's and skids keep flicking our noses. It's not just annoying anymore it hurts like hell.
We have fought all night now and it's only the first day of SD's visit. This is going to be such a craptastic week.
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My H does the same thing, but
My H does the same thing, but it's all the time not just when the kids are around. It's like total ADHD!! However, I've noticed he does it more when it's a topic of conversation he is uncomfortable with or doesn't make him feel like the "best person" so he will avoid it. Like the other day, we were talking about a situation with the ex and kids and in middle out of no where very random point he decides to look through his phone at email!!! I usually font call him out when he does it, but I had to this time. So, I said what are you doing?! We are in the middle if a conversation and you are randomly checking for email?!?! He replied by saying yeah, I haven't checked it in a few days and I have 7 I usually don't have 7. I said do you think it can wait, that has nothing to do with what we are talking about, it's like you are avoiding the topic of conversation and it's rude!!! I dont appreciate it!!! Anyway...he put the phone away. It's annoying and irratating to say the least, but I do let it slide most of the time because I do believe he has ADD. I pick and choose my battles and this one is not on the immediate list, however it does make it way there on occasion. Something I plan to tackle next year maybe.
Exactly!
Exactly!
"when it doesn't make him
"when it doesn't make him feel like the "best person" he will avoid it"
this is 100% my husband! if he isn't being portrayed as the mr.perfect he will withdraw from the conversation and then our mutual discussion will turn into a monologue with me as the star speaker. it's so frsutrating.
You are right. Wouldn't be
You are right. Wouldn't be great if we could think this rationally in the heat of the momoent lol... That fight or flight feeling is exactly what I feel in response to being in any situation I don't want to be in. I never knew there was a syndrom though.
I honestly, as a 43 y.o.
I honestly, as a 43 y.o. woman, cannot say to my bf, "I don't like the way you treat me when your children are around. If you can't treat me like your significant other when your children are around, then I will not subject myself to that."
------------> What does that look like to you? Be specific. What is it that your SO does that makes you feel insignificant when you're around his children? What does being treated like his 'significant other' around his children look like to you? It might help your SO to know specifically what he does and what he CAN do to change this, KWIM? Think of specific actions, words, statements that affect you and make you feel this way. Give him ideas as to how he can change this so that he won't become defensive. Men WANT to fix things for us. This gives him an ACTION, a purpose, a JOB. That's their language!
Also important, you must LISTEN to him when he tells you what YOU can do to makes things better in your relationship with his children without becoming defensive. It's harder for us as women because we're emotion-wired, not action-wired. And men don't know how to speak to us in an emotional way. They want us to be like them and look for the action that must be taken to fix things. We want emotion and feelings and relationship. Try to find that in what he's saying to you rather than becoming defensive when he asks you to DO something (Action) - like an interpreter at the UN!
KWIM?
And, for me, when I take the
And, for me, when I take the time to do this work, to really think about things, it takes a lot of the emotion out of it for me and I can think more clearly and be more rational. Maybe even see where I'm contributing to the problem.
It's a lot of work, but it's sure better than continuously fighting, right?
I've often felt that having
I've often felt that having been raised in the south by and old fashioned grandmother has an effect on how I stand up for myself. I guess you could call it overly polite. I was taught the being a rude, inconsiderate, or disrespectful person was just about the worst thing you could be. That southern hosppitality? Well, it's not as genuine niceness as you may think. It was taught and deeply embedded and under many of those forgiving smiles is a silent 'what the hell is your problem'.
So true. I'm a bit older and
So true. I'm a bit older and I have struggled my whole life with learning the balance between doormat and raving you know what (after putting up with things for too long). Anger and being upset wasn't allowed in our house.
This has been an issue for me
This has been an issue for me as well. It's hard to know where to draw the line between polite/patient & doormat. We grew up learning not to hurt each others feelings, which left us to "suffer in silence". It wasn't until my first marriage that I broke & "expressed my feelings" to my ex. LOL!
That was the beginning of the end for us, but it felt so good!
It does hurt. They say we are
It does hurt. They say we are so important to them (saying is easy) but when it comes time to show it they often fail miserably. I just don't get it.