Should I let this bother me? How much?
SD10 visits one night/week and EOWe. She's a cold little fish of a child, not particularly likable. DH handles her laundry, cooks when she's here, so those annoyances aren't an issue.
This weekend after dinner, he suggested we play a game that I excel at--I *always* win, even if they get to add their scores together or whatever. I suggested an alternate game, one where at least DH and I are more evenly matched, and I lose frequently. That's the one we played.
I won. By a landslide. Starting early in the game.
On several occasions throughout the game, just after I'd scored, DH, yes, totally jokingly, said, "I hate you" to me.
I could have just laughed it off, as I'm sure he expected me to, were it not for the look of sheer blissful JOY that came over SD10's face, when he said those words to me. Creeped me right out, actually!
I can't say anything to DH...I mean, I did ask him not to ever say he hates me, even in jest like that, in front of SD10 again. I did not explain WHY, just told him NOT to do it, period.
He would NEVER believe me, if I tell him what I saw--SD10 is, of course, *PERFECT* in all ways. Not the least little bit manipulative...just ask DH! He'll ASSURE you of that. She just "forgets" she's not supposed to interrupt when we're talking. She just "forgets" she's supposed to knock before barging into our bedroom. She "forgets" she's not permitted to just scream "Daaaad!!!!" every time she wants something....
Sigh....
So is the game incident really that big a deal? Or have I over-reacted in being creeped out my the whole thing?
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I dont think so... your sd
I dont think so... your sd sounds a lot like my sd who is 12. Grrrrr....so I agree totally with you telling your husband not to say those word in front of her!
i think what you did is all
i think what you did is all you can do... just be aware that he may take his child's side on a lot of things and you really need to pick your battles.
on the other side - yes be alert and be aware of looks like that! most of the time kids dont come up with their own ideas about people - they memic their parents and if his ex is saying negative things in passing it is sinking into her subconscious even if they never talk about you.
i wouldnt bring it up - just try and shake this one off - you dont want to have all these things build up on you and explode the next time you get upset...
also - i video tape things with my camera - when we play games and so on... so maybe video it and once she is back with her BM play it for dad - NOT to show him anything in particular but hopefully he will see it for himself! just say "oh look how cute we all are" and when he sees her snarling maybe he will take note.
BM in this situation is, I'm
BM in this situation is, I'm fairly certain, as good as they come. She left DH because he had an affair (years before I met him), but has always kept things civil for the sake of their child. The child is horrifying spoiled; was before the divorce, and the whole guilt thing has only fed into that, made it worse. But, that said, I'm pretty confident BM would not, ever badmouth me, or DH, to/in front of the child. I think I'm dealing more with a spoiled rotten little brat, who, for the first time, EVER, isn't always getting her way, and is having to deal with seeing someone else get the attention of one of her parents.
Two years ago, I would have said a kid this age really didn't have it in them to be manipulative and calculatingly jealous. I'm questioning that assumption more are more lately....
As stepparents we’re
As stepparents we’re constantly living a super sensitive, second guessing, defensive life where everything everyone seems to do is magnified and picked apart by ravenous birds… I’m sure if a blind test study was done on that situation and 10 strangers watched the three of you playing that game and they all watched the child’s expressions closely at that moment maybe 3 to 5 of the onlookers would have agreed with you… and I’d bet they were all stepparents. It’s all a matter of perspective.
I know for a FACT that I read waaaaaay too much into my step sons actions… I convinced myself last Friday that SS6 was in fact the most calculating little monster who’s only goal in life was to break DH’s heart… just because the kid jumped up and down yelling *Yeeeeeeeeeea! Mommy’s house! Mommy’s house!” when she came to pick them up for her weekend. I watched DH’s face crumple and I watched that little jerk’s smile widen as it was happening, a great big f-you to the old man! From my perspective… from the six year olds he may just have been excited to see his mum (who in his defense, IS the Disney Land parent and any kid would be happy to see.)
Perspective.
That doesn’t belittle your feelings of hurt… kids are hurtful and frustrating when they’re your own flesh and blood let alone someone else’s. Let it bother you for five seconds and then move on… and beat her butt in another game tomorrow night!
Very good points. I know I
Very good points. I know I tend to over analyze!
I can totally connect with
I can totally connect with you here. I get the same kind of thing. And DH reacts the very same way.
There is a really popular song that's been played over and over on the radio, DH was in the habit of trying to be funny and over emphasising one word in the song. I told him one day, when SD was in the car, to please stop that he was ruining the song for me. Now every time that song comes on she jumps into his version of it.
I think you handled it great. I might have spoke up during the game and asked DH to not use the word hate as it's not nice. At least for me I've taught my kids to not use that word. But like you said, you and he know he's joking.
I don't think you are over-reacting, you perceived her reaction probably very honestly and correctly. But if you let her know it bothered you she will sense that weakness and play on it again.
J-dog - children learn the
J-dog - children learn the manipulation game very very young - it usually means for them more material things and that is how they start to equate how much someone loves them by the amount of things they can acquire. I would tell DH to never say he hates you again even if joking - she is 10 and does not know that he is joking and in her eyes her daddy might go back to being just with her.
When I first got married and SS came to live with us full time - (3 months after the wedding happy honeymoon to me) he was 10 - after living with us for about 3 months he and I were sitting at the kitchen table and he looked me square in the eye and told me that "My dad loves me more - he was with me before your marriage and he will be with me after you are divorced" I looked him square in the eye and said "I don't believe in divorce - murder yes - divorce no!!" His eyes got really big but I will say he never brought it up again. And mind you he was 10 - so just watch your SD - I feel it is much harder for a SM who has a SD than a SS - some of the things that you all have to deal with would drive me round the bend. Good luck!
Thanks! Good to hear I'm not
Thanks!
Good to hear I'm not losing my mind, and I handled it in the best possible way.
Okay, a little disappointed that no one spoke up to say "You're totally in the right, and your SD is evil. Therefore, you are entirely justified in taking over her bedroom, for purposes of raising some nice livestock in it."
Not that I expected anyone to say that...but gee, it WOULD be nice. Mmmmm...fresh eggs.....
*laughshard* We’ve ALL
*laughshard*
We’ve ALL thought that in our heads… but the moment we vocalize the thought we go from Julia Roberts Step mum to one of those heavily made-up Disney varieties… my spare bedroom would be an AWESOME walk-in closet… Mmmmmmm…. shoe racks…
Family dynamics. My ss isn't
Family dynamics. My ss isn't used to ours and the way dh and my relationship is. He gets all smiley too when dh and i argue. What he doesn't get yet is that when dh and I 'argue' it is a disagreement over something trivial. And we can be mad or upset but 5 min later we're fine and back to normal. Or sometimes we an be in the middle of an argument and just start laughing or joking. So ss happiness is short lived. I did tell dh we need to not argue in front of ss because he gets happy about it. Oh and when I say argue it isn't a big fight jut a disagreement about dumb stuff.
I think that any child of
I think that any child of divorced parents secretly harbors a wish for their parents to be back together. A 10 year old would know that this would be much easier if you were out of the picture.
That said, I would also think it was very creepy to see that expression on the child's face.
Do you two have anything in common besides your love for DH/BD? I built a relationship with my SD by taking her shopping. Something I loved to do and so did she and my DH hated, so it was win-win.
Oh, I've tried. The little
Oh, I've tried. The little girl who "just LOVES animals" beat my geriatric dog with a heavy rope toy, and then decided it was great fun to bounce her soccer ball off the crate of the younger dog...immediately after being told my younger dog is frightened of children!
If I take her anywhere, she's just sullen, and sulks the whole time. Then goes crying to DH that I was "mean to her"? When he asks how, in what way was I mean, she just sobs that I'm not nice enough to her and she thinks I'm mad at her. I try to plan activities that she'll enjoy, and when DH tells her, she's excited, anticipating, but... "Does SHE have to go?"
Of course, DH will tell you, just ask him, the only reason SD10 and I don't get along is that I hate children, so I'm not trying....so poor longsuffering DH has to do EVERYTHING....
Wonder how that kid will/would feel when/if she finds out just how extensive her role was in her father's affair...when she realizes what all those "play dates" with ex-mistress's kid were really all about....