real world vs fantasy land
i've been thinking about my almost year on steptalk and what i have learned after reading all the blogs and posts. this morning it dawned on me-this idea of the fantasy world our dh/so/mil/bms create for these step children, and how they have so little reality in their lives. it mostly comes from us-the step parents. so many blogs about the extreme excessive praise given on a constant basis, creating this fantasy. everyone jumps for joy when bratterina actually makes herself her own sandwich (crayon always has such great examples of this) or the endless praise and rewards these children receive for actually doing something expected of them that other kids tend to do on their own anyways? its no wonder they cling to that fantasy long into their 20's and 30's and are still demanding to be treated that way. this fantasy of "you are the greatest, smartest, prettiest, most athletic kid EVER" doesn't translate into the real world once they are adults. their bosses don't jump up and down and clap because they turned their work in on time. police officers dont jump out of their cars and run over to shake our adult skid's hands because they stopped at a red light correctly. so they claw their way back into the only world they've ever known-and they don't want to leave it. they move back in and act like 12 year olds, not contributing to the household at all and expecting to live for free and to be cleaned up after. now that they are adults, the dollar amounts are higher. instead of toys and video games, they demand money, cars and gifts like we are all rich. they seek the same false praises they were given as children and hate the step parents because we don't give it. we give reality. we give education and consequences and tough love. i'm rather curious and much more afraid as to what this generation is going to grow into as we all get older. thoughts?
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they seek the same false
they seek the same false praises they were given as children
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EVERY DAY, the first words out of SS's mouth are.."hey guess what" or "hey look at this" Usually followed by....
Look at my hair, doesn't it look cool.
guess what, I bought a new pair of shoes. Aren't they cool.
ect,ect,ect.
And this is all day long every day!!!
I couldn't agree with you
I couldn't agree with you more. They have been over coddled, over praised, over entitled their whole life. The parents and in laws who do this to these kids are setting them up for failure.
I don't know how many times I've told DH that when he treats her that way, it's not doing her any favors; people aren't going to coddle her and tell her what a pretty pretty princess she is when she grows up and goes out into the real world. She has no sense of responsibility, consequences for her actions, or what the word "no" means. How the hell is that going to translate positivly for her when she grows up?
And there are kids with two married parents out there that aren't skids that have shitty lives. Why is it fair for skids, just simply because they are labeled as such, to be more praised and more attention given?
I too fear for the future of the generation, very much so....If when SD becomes and adult and even attempted to revert back to the "coddle comfort" and move in with us, I would have no part of it.
When DH's daughter pulls these constant attention-grabbing moves or throws tantrums to look for attention, i completely ignore the behavior. I'm sure as hell not going to contribute to continuing her crappy attitude.
Very true, I see it in our
Very true, I see it in our schools everyday. Gawd forbid you don't like your teacher... just quit going to class, act out, have mommy come in and pitch a bitch and get your class changed, or claim that you have "special needs". These students (and their parents) think that everyone should bend over for them! Just like you said... what is this teaching them?? Is their boss going to give two craps if they don't "like math" or if they don't like their co-worker? Unfortunately the kids of today live only for today... they seem to have no concept of the future, it's all about what THEY WANT NOW, what they can get for free and what is the easiest way to get it and of course who did they learn it from??
IT TRULY SCARES ME WHAT THESE POOR EXCUSES FOR PARENTS ARE DOING TO OUR FUTURE SOCIETY!
DaizyDuke, OMG - that's
DaizyDuke, OMG - that's EXACTLY what our SD16 says when I try to discuss her failing math class for 2 years in a row, every quarter (9th & 10th grade). She says to me "I just don't like math.". That's it!!!
Meanwhile, SM Milomom used to bang her head against the wall offering to tutor SD16 in math for the last 2 years - since I have a Bachelor's Degree in Applied Mathematics and Statistics!!! Hello?!?!? Can you say LAZY KID???
No more - Milomom is on the Disengage Express and has been for about 1 year now.
I refuse to be responsible for the train wreck that their lives will be - full of struggle and poverty. I'm fine with that. You know if their lives ever turned out for the better, we SM's wouldn't get any credit anyway. What's the point??
Not my kids, not my problem.
They have 2 healthy bioparents. If their bioparents are too lazy to raise viable, educated, self-sufficient adults, then too bad for them.
Grayskies, this is a great
Grayskies, this is a great post and I couldn't agree with you more. Generation Basement...yup, that about hits the nail right on the head.
Why, oh why, do the parents nowadays have to raise children with little (to no) expectations and unearned praise???? I'm not a bioparent myself, so can any of the BM's/BF's chime in here? I'm really at a loss.
I struggle with this exact topic on a daily basis with my stb-skids. SD16 failed math and science last year in 10th grade. She failed math all of 9th grade, too. Yet she had no consequences for her failures. Not even grounded, cell phone taken away, time with her boyfriend taken away, TV taken out of room, nothing. SD16 will grow up doing absolutely nothing in life - fast track to Loserville, will probably end up pregnant at a young age, unemployed, no high school diploma, dependent upon a man or CS$$ or welfare or whatever - JUST.LIKE.HER.MOTHER. It's like a bad train wreck that I can predict, but that I can do nothing about.
I try so hard to encourage studying hard, good grades, having high expectations, etc.... But at the end of the day, she will end up with the mindset of her loser mother. Nothing I can do. I still try, though, but I think it's a lost cause.
Oh, now that she turned 16, my BF has already promised her that he'd take her for her Learner's Permit (driving) test, pay for it and told her that she can drive wherever she wants. Hmmm....great consequences for a girl that will probably take 5 more years to graduate from high school (she's in 11th grade this year).
Totally true story… About
Totally true story…
About once a week, DH says…I’m so proud of SS. Which I of course have to follow with, really, why? And then I nod my head in silence and let him tell me about something stupid that SS did that made DH proud.
Well last week it got on my last damn nerve, with all the stupid stuff he was proud of.
DH…I’m so proud of SS.
ME…Why?
DH…he likes all kinds of music. He does not listen to “just” one type.
ME…So what? Why on earth would you be proud about that?
DH…(miffed)…because it is just cool that he does not stick to one kind of music.
ME…ummm…ok.
How in the F can you be proud, because of something like that?!
Wow Willow - yep, that about
Wow Willow - yep, that about sums it up. Let's all get up and jump up and down because SS doesn't stick to one kind of music.
Holy crap - that's just...pathetic. Sorry Willow, no offense to you intended.
Way to go, DH, having such high expectations for your son!!! :sick: :sick:
LOL, no offense taken at all.
LOL, no offense taken at all.
And that is just the tip of the iceberg. Hopefully DH will stop telling me that crap, since I kind of called him on that one. Makes me wanna… :sick:
Willow, I know just what you
Willow, I know just what you mean. One weekend DH went out to his mother's to go see SD6. I didn't end up going because I was sick and didn't feel up to it, plus didn't want to get everyone else sick.
Whenever we go to MIL's, we always come back with 10 pounds of food. So, when he came back with a package of food, it was nothing out of the norm.
Our conversation when he got home:
Me: How was your time?
DH: It was okay
Me: What's in the bag?
DH: Brownies. SD6 made them, isn't that impressive?!
Me: Not really
DH: What do you mean? She made them herself! At only 6!
Me: Uhmmm so she can't even spell her name correctly yet, but you are telling me that she preheated the oven, read the recipe, got and measured everything out, mixed it up, put it in the oven, checked on it, then pulled it out of the oven and cut it up on her own? (Sarcastic)Yeah, that would be impressive honey! You should call Guiness and get that kid into a book for pure genius!
DH: Nevermind.....
Haha, i'm honored
Haha, i'm honored
The sad part is the kid is
The sad part is the kid is probably so lacking in all the other areas of life - I think the DH's try to grasp at anything to make themselves feel better about the whole situation.
I know I already commented on
I know I already commented on this, but I had to make this addition.
I have also noticed that kids now are getting sooooo many large ticket items at younger and younger ages.
Laptops, cell phones, nintendo ds, so on and so on.
I remember when I was that age I was happy to get a $5 flimsy, plastic sled to fly down some hills with. Or a pack of sidewalk chalk.
SD's demands are for big ticket electronic items, things that she simply "must have"
Give me a break...
my hubby and I had the same
my hubby and I had the same coversation recently...this is what my Skids have gotten from their father the past couple of years for Christmas and B-day (and of course this is what they ASKED FOR)
Cell phone
I-Pod
I-Touch
Ski Passes
Snowboards
X-Box
Nintendo DS
Wii
Playstation
PLUS clothes, shoes, boots, coats, and accessories for all their expensive stuff.
I think my hubby about puked when he really sat down and realized how much money he has spent on this stuff! We both said just what you did tofurkey... we never would have DREAMED about asking our parents for some 300.00 birthday or Christmas gift! (Of course BM has ALOT to do with this as we KNOW that she tells Skids to ask their father for the expensive stuff they want and then she gets them the cheap crap like socks, underwear and maybe some 20.00 toys) And of course through no fault of their own, this is what the Skids have come to EXPECT! Hubby now sees the error of his ways and swears that he is not doing "extra" stuff anymore.. but we shall see!
Ugh, yes! As you pointed out
Ugh, yes! As you pointed out too, it doesn't just stop at the actual gifts, there's about 5,000 accesories that come along with them! And then of course, a year later, the company will upgrade the item "new and improved" and then the kid hasto have that one!
DH: Brownies. SD6 made them,
DH: Brownies. SD6 made them, isn't that impressive?!
+++++++++++++++++++
These men are so stupid!! And why do they always want you to agree with them about how GREAT the skid is?
Unearned skid praise. I just
Unearned skid praise. I just remembered a good one.
SD16 went through 9th grade failing math the entire year. She also went through 10th grade failing math AND science the entire year. One of the reasons she kept failing science was because she was doing absolutely NO homework and NO labs were ever turned in. All of a sudden, the 4th quarter, the science teacher gave her a 67 or so (for that quarter only) and it was basically because the science teacher actually let her play "catch up" by turning in as many labs as she could before the end of the school year.
First of all, SHAME on that science teacher!! Does an employer let you play "catch up" on your work when you sit there and do NOTHING all year long??? NO!! Usually you get FIRED after a short period of time.
Second of all, when my BF saw that the teacher gave her a 67 for the last quarter, he said to me: "Oh, look at that! SD passed science this quarter - she really worked so hard to get all those labs turned in during that last quarter." He was actually so proud of her. Wow, just wow. I looked at him with such disgust and thought to myself "what high expectations you have for your daughter - she's just amazing!!". I bit my tongue that day (as I always do) and said nothing. SHAME ON MY BF and on BM!!! By the way, she ended up FAILING the Regents Exam in science during her 10th grade final exams. So in the end, she had to re-take the Regents exam anyway in August, 2010 (this past summer), which she FAILED AGAIN!!!
Hmmm....dontcha THINK that MAYBE you need to actually ENFORCE some consequences/punishment for your darling angel princess????
LMAO...frigtard...i love it
LMAO...frigtard...i love it
I was reading what everyone
I was reading what everyone said on here. I agree and disagree. Praise and and punishment should be age appropriate. A 6 year old making brownies is a big deal-to the 6 year old. So she didn't preheat the oven etc but would you want her to at that age?? So if your biochild came to you saying "look mommy/daddy i made brownies all by myself" knowing it ment they stirred it a few minutes cracked an egg and licked the spoon maybe, you'd look at him/her and say nothing???!!!
The real vs fantasy goes both ways. Yes children need to know the real world. But by not telling your child they are smart, pretty, you're doing what to them? Making them feel inferior. Like they are not smart so when they do fail that math test they don't try because they have no confidence.
I am going to praise a 3 year old that comes in and tells me they went "poop". Give a high five. Yes it is something everyone does. It's nothing like discovering the cure for AIDS but she's 3. To her its a big deal that she's doing it "Like a big girl".
I've been a stepparent in the past. And im currently helping with my roommates 3 year old (not involved with dad). Children should be encouraged. But don't d/c praise cause "the boss 20 years from now" won't say good job.
We are not saying that you
We are not saying that you should tell the child what they did was no big deal - the complaint is that is seems most DH's will come to us and be proud over things a child should be able to do - the brownies were not made by 6 year old - Dh had to know that - he was not saying in front of said 6 year old what a great cook she was he was commenting to his spouse with such pride that she made the brownies. I think the whole point of the blog was that kids from divorced families have such a distorted view of what should be expected of them and what is actually expected of them in the real world because both parents don't want to be the bad guys they want to be the good guys all the time so these kids grow up thinking simple tasks should be rewarded and that they are entitled - it makes for a very rough transition for these children into the "real" world because most people are not going to be impressed that little johnny likes all kinds of music and little susie got a 67 in science because a teacher basically let her pass.
All children need to have realistic expectations and praise when it is warranted. If we do not train and teach these children how to be healthy and working adults we do them a great disservice because the boss is not going to give a shit if you came from a fractured family and you will not get special treatment because you hate your stepmommy!!!
Exactly. I was going to write
Exactly. I was going to write a reply, but you said it perfectly.
Praise is good yes, give praise when something accomplished is earned. Way to go! When something accomplished is expected, and these kids are way behind the learning curve for their age, this is not doing them any favors.
melody, i think you have some
melody, i think you have some excellent points and i agree with you, that natural praise for accomplishments or simply out of love and pride for your child is wonderful and should be encouraged. i did mean in my blog, however, the extreme excessive praise given many times out of (subconscious or conscious) competition with the other parent, or simply to be more buddy buddy with the kid. one or two times, ok. but these are lifelong patterns we're seeing, that are carrying over into adulthood. everyone is afraid call out a 67 grade as to not hurt the kid's feelings. but you turn in bad work at your job and you will be fired. its not realistic and its hurting the child in the long run. some of our dh's seem to think praise will solve all problems. my dh praises ss17 for c's and d's on his report card and then blames the teachers, the school etc for his bad grades. as a result, he gets the same grades year after year.
I remember 5th grade clearly
I remember 5th grade clearly - I brought home a report card, straight As. I was SO proud of myself.
I showed my mom and she said, "Why did you miss two days of school?"
Ummm-because we went and visited your aunt and uncle in Omaha!!?!
My cousin got a television set for bringing a failing grade up to a D. From my parents.
I guess she got treated special because her mom and dad were divorced??
I have read all the posts and
I have read all the posts and I tend to agree. My SO thanks the skids for covering their mouths when they sneeze or cough. They are 11 and 14, give me a break. Being around other parents though I am starting to see this is a trend for ALL parents not just step-kids. It seems like it is a generational thing as opposed to a broken home issue which makes it all the more scary. Blender, I was wondering had it been the other way around and your skid got the A's and your bio was failing would you have done the same thing (I mean allowing your skid to pick the restaurant etc). I'm just curious because sometimes I feel as a step-parent I am more critical and tougher on them than I would be were these my own kids doing the same things. (I don't have my own kids so I have no frame of reference)