I give up
I am just so sad and I don't think I can keep trying to make this work. I'm tired. So very tired. I didn't want to believe that I could hate a child. I convinced myself that my problem was how H parented his kid. It was guilty daddy parenting and made things worse but I have discovered that it wasn't the cause of my feelings. This child is a walking talking reminder of all the times my feelings and needs were ignored in favor of keeping BM happy. When H left her he forgot to pack his balls and I paid the price. So many incidents that I can't let go of. So many slights that still hurt deeply. So many times he used his kid as an exscuse to shit on me instead of standing up to BM. These awful feelings aren't going away and he can't undo what has been done. Everytime I see her stupid little face or hear her tiny whiney voice I feel it all over again. I can't move on, let go, and forget all the pain when the exscuse for my pain is in my face every 2 weeks. I am finally at the point where I see it and admit it. I hate this kid. I am a monster who hates a little kid for the pain her father has caused me. It's not her fault, it's his. On some level I hate him for it too but I also love him. I feel nothing but hate for her. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of hurting. Why can't I just let it all go? I feel like something is eating away at me from the inside. I quit, I give up, uncle.
- quippers01's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I know how you feel. I too
I know how you feel. I too came to the point that I was feeling alot of resentment and what I looked at as hate about my SD. Now H and SD are out of my life. 1 week today and it feels like my whole world has dropped out. I love him so much and want to be with him but I can't because of her. I got nothing from H and was totally abused by the SD who was nothing but ungrateful for everything she got or was done for her. Do what you have to do for you!! That is easier said than done. I know but now that he made the choice to get out I am the one picking up the pieces but I do know that whatever does happen it is goning to be something good. It just has to be.
Did you cry more before or
Did you cry more before or after? My biggest fear at this point is walking away and falling apart. I love H so very much. I hope things get easier for you and you find happiness in yourself and with someone who deserves and appreciates you.
I've gotten to the point that
I've gotten to the point that I've told my BF if his SD doesn't move out - I'm ready to throw both of them out just to get rid of her. I love him - we've been together 17 years. His daughter moved in 8 years ago and my life hasn't been the same. Trying going thru 2 rounds of cancer with a selfish "Princess" (at least so she thinks she is...!
me and SO just broke up
me and SO just broke up tonight... I could handle the way he parented SD4. or lack of parenting!
Good luck!
if dh/bf isn't going to step
if dh/bf isn't going to step up and take responsibility for his actions/lack of and listen and understand your needs from him, then walking would be the best option.
you can't live your life catering to someone elses baggage and having yourself and things be used to benefit those little shits. seriously, it's just not doable!
i wish the best for you all who are considering ditching dh/bf. and i agree that you should start saving finanncially, planning emotionally and when the time comes you will know it and be able to walk away with your head held high and the heart strings should be almost worn thru so you don't spend the next month crying over the life sucking drama you have put behind you.
Thank you for your good
Thank you for your good wishes, starfish. H takes responsibility for his part in how I feel. H has begged me to tell him what he can do or say to make it better. He really is a good man with a big heart. Sadly, it doesn't change anything. There are no magic words or wizardry that can undo the past. The pain is still there and I just can't let it go no matter how hard I try or how much I want to. It taints everything.
Yeah I'm aware of all this. I
Yeah I'm aware of all this. I never got the chance to know or like this kid during the time all this resentment was building. Now that she's around all I can associate her with is all the pain H put me through because he used her as his exscuse for being a coward. I understand the visitation and lack of contact and all that crap. I understand it, I really do but that doesn't change all that has happened and the feelings I can't get rid of. I have tried. I have ulcers from the guilt of how I feel about this kid. I don't interact with her because I don't want her around it. I know it's not her fault. I am a highly empathetic person who can easily put myself in other people's shoes. H's, skid, bios...I can clearly see everyone's perspective. I really truely get the dynamics of the situation. It's the reason I'm giving up. Seriously though, thanks for repeating back to me all the things I've already said...it was helpful.
Thank you nomi. I feel for
Thank you nomi. I feel for this kid but I feel for me too. Contrary to popular belief MY feelings and MY happiness are JUST AS IMPORTANT AS HERS. I did not choose her parents, her life, or make their choices for them but I damn sure feel like I've paid the price for their mess. I've paid for it with my health. I handle my feelings better at times than I do others. This particular weekend was harder than usual. It doesn't help that every other visit coincides with my period. I usually get it the day she arrives or the day after. I'm very sensitive to hormones. XH barely survived my pregnancies lol. God is one funny dude.
I hope your heart to heart
I hope your heart to heart goes well. I'm pretty sure I'm in for the same thing when H gets back from the drop. I'm just going to lay it all out there. Best of luck.
Already read it...twice. I
Already read it...twice. I loved it and it did help in a lot of ways but it didn't help me let go of the pain H caused. It's not SD personally, she's a decent kid, it's all the pain I associate her with. Now if you can recommend a book on letting go of anger and resentment I'm all ears. I would do anything to fix this mess. Being able to let go is the key, I've just never been any good at it.