BM's feelings win again...update
I somehow managed to not wake DH up with a cup of ice water while screaming like a wackadoo who forgot to take their meds. I also made a dr appt for Fri because I don't think I'm going to survive my marriage without meds of my own. Instead of waking him I wrote a long letter to occupy my mind and then went to take a long hot bath with a big cold drink.
My bath was interupted when DH woke up and read the letter. His exscuses were exactly what I knew they would be. First he said, "I told you about this the last 2 times they sent the reminder texts about the event". I said, "yes, I know you did but you told me about it, you never invited me to it. I am hyperaware of anything that involves BM so I promise I paid very close attention to the fact that you never asked me if I wanted to go". He said, "I didn't think you would want to go, you don't like driving all the way up there". I replied, "you would have let me decide that for myself if BM wasn't going to be there but you are so damn worried about her feelings as usual that YOU didn't want me there so you didn't ask". Then he says, "but I told you about it twice already". And this just started the circle all over again. DH's motto: if you can't beat them, try to confuse them. He even tried to invite me in the middle of this fight. I laughed in his face and said there is no way in hell I will ever go to anything she will be at or be around anyone she knows now that I know you don't want me to. I told him to shove his little back pedaling, pity invite up his ass.
The fight ended in screaming. Me screaming about how sick and tired I am of him putting his "other wife's" feelings ahead of my own. He hates when I call her that but what else do you call the woman whose feelings your DH is more concerned about than your own? And, him screaming at me asking why BM has to be the center of all our fights. Well dear, I know your life would be so much easier if I would just roll over and ignore it everytime you put her feelings ahead of mine but it's not going to happen. If you want to stop fighting about her then stop putting her ahead of me and give me time to heal from all the times you already have.
We spent the rest of the day not talking and I expect more of the same today.
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Love it stepaside, you are
Love it stepaside, you are very enlightening. Thanks. BTW, the whole going out with friends things and taking care of yourself is something i started doing and because i respect myself more, he respects me more, if he respects me more, the hope is skids will join in.
That sounds so familiar. I
That sounds so familiar. I continually tell my FH that if it's not an emergency he doesn't need to talk to BM everyday for anything. BM gets him on the phone or at the front lawn when he is dropping off kids to chat it up about everything under the sun, but his kids. She calls almost every morning between 6am - 7am!!! Who in there right mind would do that unless it was an emergency.
The kicker is -- FH calls me wakes me up to ask me why she would be calling and if I think he should call her back?!!!? My reply-- i wasn't married to her, I don't know what she is calling about. If it's an emergency (which is not because the entire time I've known you it hasn't) she should leave a message with the details.
Same conversation almost every morning. It gets old!!
BM used to do this too. Texts
BM used to do this too. Texts and calls all damn day long. I told DH to put a stop to it or I'm out. It doesn't happen nearly as often anymore but I still don't see any need at all unless there is a problem with their kid. There is a good chance I have PTSD from it because even now, just the sound of his phone going off, no matter who it is, makes me want to run for the hills.
BM was doing this last night
BM was doing this last night to FDH. She knows we get married Saturday and was texting over stupid crap (literally could have been two emails today and it would have been fine), just to engage him in conversation and make sure she is still first in priorities. Ruined my mood, ruined my night, ruined today, I'm still ready to burst into tears. I hear his phone chime with a text and halfway jump out of my skin, blood pressure starts going up, and now 2 days before the wedding, I'm emotionally shutting myself away from him. Doctor needs to call me back about my anxiety meds!!
Friend's of DH and BM's are
Friend's of DH and BM's are having their new baby christened next month. They invited me also but DH declined on my behalf...for fear of upsetting BM if we went together. He won't admit it, he never does but his track record speaks for itself.
I thought so myself for a
I thought so myself for a while but I'm starting to see that he spends a lot of energy trying to avoid situations where he will have to choose. I can only assume this is because he knows he will usually choose her. I think he figures if he doesn't upset her she won't start trouble. He doesn't seem to realize that these things he does or doesn't do to not upset her, upsets ME. His mind should not be so consumed with her feelings all the time.
I don't know if he will ever get it but thank you for your positive thoughts
I think a lot of us have gone
I think a lot of us have gone through this. It isn't at all unusual for the BD to bend over backwards for the BM out of guilt and/or fear of losing access to his kids.
It's a tough hill to get over but I think most men DO get over it, at least mostly.
It's up to HIM really. If you can calmly and rationally explain your feelings to him - without too much emotion - and then leave it up to him he just might step up and do what's right.
For us it was an agonizingly slow process and I almost gave up several times. I guess it took the better part of 3 years before he finally 'got' it. I finally gave her enough rope and watched her hang herself. You have to get to the point where he feels that it's HIS decision to stand up to her, not that you are pushing him to do it. It's difficult to know how to get there though.
If you can get him to read selected chapters of Stepmonster, it might help and probably wouldn't hurt. If you haven't read it you should, just to get the perspective.
I have read it, it's a great
I have read it, it's a great book that has helped me immensely.
One of the things that I can't stand the most is that he is afraid of upsetting her because she popped out a kid (which I'm not ever sure is his) that he lets her dangles over his head but he has no problem standing up to me. It makes me feel like I have squirt out a kid to get respect as his wife. Not going to happen.
I know exactly how you
I know exactly how you feel.
More than likely it's guilt over leaving the relationship and 'abandoning' her - even if he's not aware of it.
Maybe just keep drip, drip, dripping your feelings to him and one day BM will do something that makes him see.
Oh my goodness, I am living
Oh my goodness, I am living this right now! I can't stand it! 3 years?! I will die of a heart attack!
What maux said.
What maux said.
I just had this conversation
I just had this conversation with Hubby last night! Why is it that the squeeky wheel DOES get the grease?? and in my life while BM is the A number one player in the game, there are alot of other people just everywhere you go anymore.
If you act like as ass, make people's life miserable every time you don't get what you want... you get what you want! when the hell did this happen to society????
Nice guys and gals finish LAST
From what I've read on your
From what I've read on your posts your DH is a really caring guy, not many men would take the role of primary carer for their child as he did. That has pros and cons, it can make him a great partner in many ways but a weak separated husband. He LOVES you, he just tolerates her and tries to avoid provoking her for the sake of his relationship with his daughter, which is as good a motive as you can get. That can be frustrating, but for every battle lost try to remember that you won the war - he's with you not her and that probably rankles every day of her life.
Thank you. I didn't know that
Thank you. I didn't know that was what I needed to hear until I read it. Thank you.
Mmmm, you are upset enough,
Mmmm, you are upset enough, enough times to consider this a major issue in your marriage. Therefore, the behavior should stop. They are divorced for a reason, and he is remarried to you. That means that you belong at his side, and he at yours, at important life events. Whether or not the EX is going to be there is irrelevant. She is free to remarry or bring a date as well. This is your life now, and you are the person who is most important.
A conversation could go like this, "it is important to me that we go to whatever event, together." "It is important to me to be with you and make memories with you." It hurts me when you don't invite me to events because you are concerned about conflict with BM." "If you don't understand, or don't want me with you, I might have to rethink my reasons for being in this marriage."
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