Ignore it. Don't let the delusional twat get under your skin.

BM here still has DH's last name and I hate it too. She's been living with a guy for like 3 years now and even has a fourth kid with him. She uses his last name on Facebook, but she won't marry him for real and change her name 1) because that would be the decent thing to do instead of being a true skank her whole life and only shacking up with babydaddies and 2) because that might screw up the government aid she is fraudulently receiving by not claiming the latest babydaddy who miraculously has a decent job as a member of the household.

So ya, I'm a bit bitter about the whole sharing a last name with the ex-wife (who was only a wife for about a hot minute) too.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you're being overly possessive. Whether or not she wants to return to her maiden name is none of your business. I didn't go back to my maiden name when I divorced 10 years ago. Why would I want to have a different last name than my children? I had a different last name from my mother when I was growing up, and it was a royal pain in the ass. Sounds to me like she's just trying to keep things simple.

I can see where it would bother you, but is it worth it to let her KNOW that it's bothering you?

Unfortunately, it's pretty common for women who take their husbands name to keep it if they divorce. Personally, I wouldn't want to keep 'his' name, amicable parting or not. But some women obviously don't want to bother changing it back. Not much you can do really.

I can see why it bugs you. But I kept my ex-husband's name after we divorced. I just didn't want to deal with the hassle of having to change all my stuff over...and it was easier to have the same last name as our kids.

I kept his last name until I remarried.

BM gave into my H at the time by giving skids his last name even though they weren't married. I think BM thought that would help get him not to take DNA tests of them - and it worked!!

BM talked SD into giving HER baby the father's last name (even though BM was hellbent on getting those two broken up the whole time they were together) as a snub to my H since he was excited that the baby would have his last name.

SD and Baby Daddy lasted a whole 1 month after grandbaby was born before they broke up...but I hope that the baby having the father's last name will help with the hell HE is going to go through to be a part of his child's life!! I am sure that SD will learn from her evil BM on how to pay back the daddy!

Sorry - mini-vent over.

My only condolence (and H's, too) is that H and BM never got married so she never, ever had his last name. That would annoy me to no end and probably would have prompted me to keep my own last name when we got married...

BM still has DF's last name. But apparently she never legally changed it when they were married. She files her taxes and files for financial aid with her maiden name because that's the name the government has on file since she didn't legally change it...when he asked her why she's still uses it, she said it's her legal name and it doesn't matter that she never legally changed it and that once they got married, she could use the name.

In time, things like these will bother you less. Yup, it irritated the hell out of me that BM kept DH's last name. I really don't think its because SD10 has this last name, for her it was more out of laziness.

Early on in our relationship I was insecure about her and about DH's marriage to her. I've grown. I'm over it now really.

Soooooo much used to irritate me. Now....meh. She's a lazy narcissist woman, who I actually thank is my BM. She's never done anything to me personally, nor have I done anything to her. I don't hate her, but I wouldn't want to be her friend.

Trust me. Have some self confidence. He picked you. Remember that. In a couple of years, this stuff won't matter to you.

I see no big issue with her still having the last name since it matches the kids.. but its riduculous that she is signing it "Rachel and Bob Smith" like they are still married. She KNOWS you will see it and its likely that she is doing it to get a reaction.. DONT LET HER SEE THE REACTION!! It will bother her more that you say nothing than if you show your butt.

This does not mean that I didn't still do the HappyDance when our BM FINALLY got married and she changed her last name.. DH did too. Interestingly enough, she married a guy that gave her MY mothers maiden name! No relation that I'm aware of. but that was better than she and I both having Mrs. XXXXXX... bc that is the way she signed it. Not Ms. but Mrs. -

Just IGNORE it..

I still have my ex husband's last name simply because it is such a hassle to change it. You have to change everything, driver's license, SS card, credit cards, ect. If he asked me to change it back to my maiden name I would no problem as long as he shared in the expense of changing since he did sign the divorce decree that clearly states that he agreed I was keeping the last name. I wouldn't stress over it...

unhappy I think it is common for women who have children with their spouses and then divorce to keep their marriage name, not all but most. My BF has also been divorced for 2 years and his ex still has his last name and I don't think she will change it for reasons that it is a hassle, the kids, and even the fact that she works at an insurance company and her clients know her by that name. But in my case I divorced but had no children with my ex so I did change my last name. I wouldn't let it bother you, it is something she can do something about or decide not to.

I couldn't wait to change my name after my divorce. I did so as soon as I got my divorce papers.

BM has not changed her name. So now when she attends school meetings, it's as if DH has 2 wives. Kinda awkward. However, I will continue to go to meetings, for anyone wondering why I'd go in the first place... I spend more time with skids than anyone, and I am the one most involved with their schooling and homework. Therefore, I believe I should be at the meetings.

She changed her name on facebook, gmail, aol, to her new husband's name. But isn't doing it legally. It bugs me, but whatever. I have him, the kids, AND the name. Her loss. If she wants to hang on by the thread by keeping his last name, then in my opinion, she's letting us know she wants something back which she will never have again.

Ugh that would bother the shit out of me...I'm sorry about that. I don't blame you and likewise I worry about the same. I hope that when I marry this guy she will change her name. I agree with some of the other ladies, I think she's doing that to annoy you which is so immature. I bet you she doesn't care about having the same name as the kids and she probably does it to get under your skin. I would never keep someone else's name, especially if it was a really painful parting of ways...I don't need to sign this man's name and be reminded every single day. No thanks.

Courts will often not grant a petition for the BM to return to her maiden name if there are kids involved. Some Judges prefer that the mother and children have the same last name. If BM re-marries names can usually be changed fairly easily though.

When my XW and I divorced my XW petitioned to have her name changed back to her maiden name. The judge asked if we had any children or if she was pregnant. She got lippy and he told her that if she was pregnant that she would never get her maiden name back.

Fortunately we did not have children and since it had been 8+mos since we were intimate the only chance that she was pregnant by me was if it was the second Immaculate Conception.

i deal with the same last name shit, too ~ so i feel your pain.

her writing both her and bf's name on the calendar is just her being a jealous ass cunt.

so NO it's not petty, but really don't let her know it bothers you. maybe just cross thru bf's name when ther calendar comes to your house. she's technically providing false info to the school, right?

Unhappy, I'll probably get flamed for my response/opinion, but here it is...

NO you are not being petty about the BM keeping her ex's last name.

I agree with many of the above posters to NOT let BM know that it bothers you (as you have stated you haven't) and just to vent to us here.

You are not alone and your concern is NOT petty - and being concerned about this does NOT make you insecure. Especially in your case, it seems that quite the opposite is true - the BM is the massively insecure one - writing "Rachel and Bob Smith" like that?!? C'mon ladies, PLEASE!!! That is classic passive-aggressiveness if I've ever seen it. She needs to GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON - they've been divorced for 2 years already!!!

OK, so here's the part where I'm sure I'll get flamed, but I'm secure enough to post anyway, being a longtime StepTalk member and always trying to be the "voice of reason" and as objective as I can be:

BM not changing her last name after a divorce happens for a multitude of reasons, but when the reason is simply it's just "easier" to keep the exH's last name...give me a break!! That's a BAD REASON = EXCUSE, not a rational one. Sounds like nothing but laziness and selfishness to me. Ladies, it takes some time, some effort, some paperwork, some patience, some frustration and some more patience - and voila', it's done!! Think about it, you did it after you got married, right? Changing your maiden name to your married name, I mean.

As for the LEGAL perspective, a marriage is a LEGAL contract. You change your last name when you MARRY him. Accordingly, when you get DIVORCED, generally, it should be LEGALLY REQUIRED that you change it back to your maiden name. You are no longer a "SMITH" when you are legally DIVORCED from your ex-H, John Smith. That's HIS name and you are DIVORCED.

Personally, I would have absolutely NO problem changing my surname to my maiden name if I were to divorce. I would take care of it right away as PART OF the divorce proceedings and the aftermath of the paperwork that results once the marriage is legally over. I would not want to have myself identified by my exH's last name - I would want to take back the name my PARENTS gave me and that I've had my entire life.

Now to deal with the reason of keeping the exH's last name "for the kids' sake" (TM). Generally, I also see this as completely ridiculous. C'mon ladies, this is the year 2010!! The age of technology - schools are using smartboards, computers, parent portals, etc... It is VERY EASY for the child's school to have their official records noted about the divorce & the names can be as follows:

Father: JOHN SMITH
Mother: JANE DOE or JANE DOE f/k/a JANE SMITH

Now, I'm not trying to be cold or heartless. If the kids are having an EXTREMELY hard time with this ONE TOPIC (Mommy's last name being different from theirs), then it should be handled with love and patience - maybe the kids need a little extra time to adjust to the divorce...I get that. But there has to be SOME BALANCE here!! You ALSO have to admit that, at least in THEORY, by keeping your last name the same AFTER a divorce will give the kids FALSE HOPES of their parents reconciling in the future, no? I just think this knife "cuts both ways", here. I think that kids can EVENTUALLY adjust to the different last name (Mommy) just as easily as they can eventually adapt to having 2 separate homes (Mommy's home & Daddy's home) and their parents eventually moving on with new loves/relationships. Yes, it's hard...BUT IT'S THE REALITY of the situation!! It is what it is!! Kids are more resilient than many people realize. It just takes time, love and BALANCE!

I just want to apologize to anyone that I may have offended with this response - NOT intending to insult anyone or be mean. I know there are certain situations where there might be EXCEPTIONS for why keeping an ex's last name may be necessary - I get that.

However, GENERALLY, OVERALL it should be REQUIRED that an exW amend her last name (either back to her maiden name or another surname approved by the court) to reflect that her MARRIED surname is no longer allowed to be used. Legally divorced = legally cannot use that man's last name any longer. It should even be made part of the final divorce decree.

Just my humble opinion...

I hate the whole last name issue as well. My DH and his ex where married for 9 months MAYBE.....and she kept it for 6 years. Her excuse was she wanted to same last name as her daughter.....That is until she remarried and then didn't hesitate to change it again...... Now SD lives with us FT becuase her new husband doesn't like her......I think the whole situation sucks

vent away

See....sigh..ok this is long...but this only shows that we are ALL different in our approaches. Ladies, nobody is right or wrong-and it's not ok to judge why people do or don't change their names.

Look-we have enough BS to deal with w/the name change (I've blogged about this before). Boils down to the fact that as women-and because of society we are screwed no matter HOW we handle this-all because of a very patriarchal society.

First, why should we have to take their name instead of keeping our own? How come kids automatically get dads name instead of both? Why o WHY on earth do you cease to become a PERSON and individual? Nothing worse then seeing Mr. and Mrs. John Smith on a card...see? No mention of you ladies..you are molded entirely into the mans identity. I kid not when I see that it makes me ill...it's like the woman doesn't exist anymore when it comes to correspondence. You just belong to him, property and filed under his name.

SO, if you marry and don't take your H name, you're a feminist freak, if you take it you're an old school traditional and doormat.

Then the kids come and you argue about hyphenating or the mans name only.

Then you divorce and you're seen as crazy and vindicte and holding onto your exh if you keep the name, you're seen as vindictive and mean if you go back to your maiden name...you're called lazy, full of excuses, not thinking of the children no matter your approach.

THEN comes the job, should you keep it, or change and will that hurt you career, your credit history, blah blah blah...

THEN comes remarriage and present a million other scenarios.....To take his name, hyphenate w/your maiden, keep your maiden...

Then comes the kids feelings, good, bad or indifferent that has to be dealt with-AND we have to worry about society thinks, our family, our exh's, the new gf's, the new wives, the kids, the school, the jobs, the churches,

And bottom line everyone-men, women, parents, society will have an opinion on how right/wrong you are no matter WHAT action you take...for a decision that wasn't even ours to begin wit!!! It's sad, it makes me angry at society as a whole.

So-at least here which is a relatively safe place-why give eachother shit about how WE chose to handle this matter? Whether it's fellow posters, your sister, the ex-wife, whomever! It should be their choice to make...what little choice they have in the matter. And lets cut us and the ex's slack....everybody has their reasons...bad/good/indifferent-it should be respected because we're ALL different and it's a very, very PERSONAL matter. We can't win for trying!

well, i didn't change my last name when i got divorced because it was my 3 kids names. then i hyphenated with my married name and my husband kinda goes w/e....then now i just use my new name.

but the BM still uses his name because she had it for 10 years before. and her kids have it. they can put it on her tombstone for all I care....better sooner than later!! her brain cells function intermittently and she can't hold a conversation with out repeating the word ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

BM still has DH's last name and they've been divorced for 10 years now. I kind of understand her keeping it since she's had it for so long and they have a kid, although SD is now grown up and in college. I actually resent DH for comments he's made which is why I hyphenated my name, although I wish I hadn't even done that! If I took his name, I would have the same initials as BM and that annoys me, especially after we got engaged and when planning the wedding, at times he would say "I'm not excited because I've already done all this." Mind you, I never pushed for us to get married! And now that we're expecting our own child, he has said to me that he "has no nesting instinct this time, unlike when BM was pregnant with SD." He now wants me to have only his name for the baby's sake, but he makes me so mad at times that I'm most likely going to refuse. If he didn't throw in my face that he's already done everything, this wouldn't all be such a big deal!

I was torn on whether or not to change my name when I remarried for the reason of my kids. When my husband saw we were still getting mail addressing my old married name he lost it. And I told him I hadn't really felt what the right thing was to do. He said he never would have married me if he thought I wouldn't take his name. Men don't seem to see it from the woman's side when there are children involved. My children don't understand it, and it does cause issue's at times with school and medical. But I tell you what, I get the greatest kick when people call my current husband by my childrens last name. HA! Take that CAVE MAN!