BM Doing A Number on SD
A little background, SD was coming to our house EOW without problems. BM got a bug up her butt for months and wouldn't let SD come (in violation of the CO). Out of the blue, BM suddenly starts to allow visitation and that SAME week, asks us to take SD full-time. SO says okay. For the past month, that was the plan but BM kept playing games out signing the paperwork although BM has been telling SD that SD is living with us. Finally, BM completely looses her marbles, so SO serves BM with contempt paperwork. BM says she talked to an attorney (which she has claimed before but has never showed in COurt or at mediation), and also sends me an email saying SO tried to sleep with her, and how SD hates coming to our house, he is a bad person and a bad parent, etc.
I think she actually DID talk to an attorney because since then she has been complying with the CO to a "T." THat said, SD is being uber weird this visit. (The first visit since the blow-up). SD has been asking about her mom and saying she misses her mom nonstop (she never does this). SD has been asking SO all these inappropriate questions that make it seems like she is fishing for information, and just making weird comments. It's obvious that BM has done a number on her and told her all types of terrible things about SO and probably said that he is forcing SD to come over, etc. It's awful.
BM has also confessed to me that she asks SD questions about our house and records SD's answers. Is that not sick or what? You interrogate your own, young child? SD knows that BM doesn't like SO, so it's only natural she lies and says that she hates it here. She actually told BM that SO doesn't let her talk and yells at everyone all the time. She told BM that SO smokes cigarettes in the house and so on. All of them are complete lies. THe only thing SO does do is that he disciplines kids so, yes, if you do something inappropriate you will have to sit in time out and you will be repremanded. But, BM knows nothing about discipline and admits she lacks the ability to discipline SD.
I feel so sorry for this kid. The kid really needs therapy, I think. BM needs medication and a hit with the reality stick. SHe's always talking about how she's "a very good person" and "an honest person" and "so successful." I didn't realizie that lying to people and being on welfare made someone "honest" and "successful," but what do I know?
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OMG we could be living in a
OMG we could be living in a parallel universe. Same thing happened to us. Over the years BM interfered with the parenting schedule claiming SD doesn't want to visit and believes a whole bunch of lies that SD said about us (after being brainwashed into hating us). Then all of a sudden, BM want's us to be full time custodial parents because the kid is turning out so rotten. Then she took it all back. It's a roller coaster ride. It's heart breaking and frustrating at the same time. Sometimes I just want to ring SD13's neck for the lies and stories she tells about us, but I know that she is just the product of a terribly dysfunctional BM. SD13 is turning out to be just like her BM, so much so that I'm afraid DH and I are both starting to seriously disengage. SD has been in counseling...it's not working, and it seems to be making her worse. Get this, after over a year of counseling for cutting, drugs, bad grades and antisocial behavior, the therapist states that SD13 is a "normal 13 year old" Hmmmm so we've paid for and continued her therapy for more then a year, why??????
See, this is a big concern of
See, this is a big concern of mine, that SD will just get worse over time. BM knows, and freely admits that SD is a liar and that SD manipulates her, however whenver SD says negative things about us BM takes them as completely true. BM is a terrible role model. She is constantly lying to SD and making her promises that she can't keep.
She never disciplines her and never even correct SD's speech when she says things that are wrong. SD isn't even in kindergarten because BM is too lazy to enroll her in school. She's still in a preschool/daycare, so when SD DOES go to school next year, she is going to be way behind all the other kids who will already know all the letters to the alphabet (SD doesn't), and many who will know how to read, know basic math skills, etc. I can only hope that the Courts will wake up and realize what a bad parent BM is and let SD live with us f/t. That is her only hope. If she doesn't, I imagine she will turn out very much like your SD, sadly.
Yep! I've come to learn over
Yep! I've come to learn over the years that if you invest too much mental and emotional energy into hoping that your SD is successful in life you will probably be greatly disappointed. (and thus we come to vent) Best to have no expectations at all and then be happy about the little successes that may come along. That's not to say this should be your SO's approach. It's important to remember that as a SM you have very little say in anything, and more importantly it is the CHILD'S DESTINY to have been born to her BM. And it is not your job to rescue her, nor does anyone want you to rescue her. If your SO has the energy to fight for custody, by all means let him go for it, but I suggest you let him take the lead. As far as the court goes, they don't really look at the small everyday details like we do. They really only care that the child is loved, housed and fed; BM has that covered. Everything else is just icing on the cake. We have enough evidence against our BM for educational neglect and interfering with visitation to take her to court too. Even SD's therapist agrees we would be better full time parents. But since SD is 13 she's too old to force a change in custody; she'll just rebel and make everyone's life hell. Although your SD is only 5-6 she is still greatly influence by BM and a forced change of custody may make matters worse for everyone. IN the meantime, you may want to suggest to your SO to sit down with your SD and go over the alphabet together.
The whole practice of living in two different households, with two sets of parents, and two sets of values must be confusing and exhausting for kids. And so they seek the path of least resistance.
I totally hear ya. I think in
I totally hear ya. I think in our case that SD is so young that hopefully the Court will take into consideration her future. BM has said that she will have her family take SD to help her, so hopefully the Court will see she's better off with us. Her mother doesn't even have her in real school for goodness sake!
But, you're right, this is not my fight and my SO needs to take the lead.
And, FWIW, we actually do work with SD when she's at our house. We do worksheets, go to the library, do art projects, and we read A LOT. But, if we only see her EOW and then go month without seeing her at times, the reality is that only helps so much.
Also, with BM doing so much PAS when SD gets back to her, it kind of unravels all the good that SO tries to do.
It's really an ugly, ugly situation and I can't imagine putting my child through something like that. I guess the only real option is to expect the worst, and hope for the best, like many things in life.
Kudos to you guys for working
Kudos to you guys for working with her on her education. EOW is rough. It's just enough to be involved in the situation but too little to be effective in helping it.
Being a SM in these situations sometimes feels like you're constantly being put in no-win situations.
My heart goes out to you! I just saw a good post about a book called Divorce Poison. Maybe you guys can benefit from it since you're catching alienation early. And it may have good advice in winning a case against a Psycho BM that is PASing.
Good luck!