Dealing with a 24 yr old stepson still living at home and with his overprotective mother(my spouse)
It seems like a crazy situation that will not go away. Stepson living at home who is overprotected by his micro-managing mother(my spouse). The stepson is 24 hrs old with a minimum wage job and a car.
Every time I criticize him to my wife she goes ballistic. He a nice enough guy but he's totally clueless and unable to pursue college-which was a terrible waste of time and my money. He's satisfied with working 33hrs a week(at best) and playing video games the rest of the time(or sleeping). The situation is intolerable for me and every time I speak to my wife about it, we end up fighting. The stepson doesn't par rent and until forced to clean his room and bathroom, lives like a complete slob. Any ideas?
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...doesn't pay rent
...doesn't pay rent
Thanks for your input about
Thanks for your input about my SS. At 24 he doesn't spend the night with a girlfriend and never brings anyone over. Spends time with similar less-motivated friends-video games. He works retail but was fired from his last job about 6 mo ago for habitually showing up late. Mommy still has to remind him about what time it is. I know times have changed but I left home for college at 18 and never looked back. At 24 I had just finished my B.S. degree and 2 yrs in the Army-never living at home. Thanks again for your much appreciated comments.
No sarcasm here-just lot's of
No sarcasm here-just lot's of frustration. My 2 biological kids are 32 and 30 and are productive, not perfect, educated and independent(for many years).
My stepson has lived with me for 15 yrs-his biological father has totally been absent since he was 12. I've paid for private school thru HS and then private college(60k) until he got kicked out for failing grades.
Yikes....I'm sorry but if his
Yikes....I'm sorry but if his mom is insistent that he stay her little baby then there isn't a lot you can do. If it's something that you really cant deal with consider leaving. You can always try talking to your wife and seeing if you can come up with a plan to start preparing him for the real world. He should be paying rent, helping around the house, buying his own things. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife wouldn't agree or back you up on this in any way. I wouldn't be able to deal with a relationship like that. Good luck.
Thanks. It's great to get a
Thanks. It's great to get a woman's perspective on this.
you need to sit down with
you need to sit down with your wife and discuss a time line for when your ss will be moving out. discuss it together, the best you can, and try to come up with something agreeable to both of you. 6 months? a year? but once the date is set, make sure you both enforce it. easier said than done, i know. if she says no, absolutely no deadline for moving out, at least try therapy with someone who specializes in step families. it might help give her some perspective on how to make her son more independent without seeing you as the bad guy. good luck to you....its a tough situation.
James....In my opinion,
James....In my opinion, you've not only tried for years to work with the kid......but his mother.
From what you've stated, it sounds like your wife has chosen her son over you.
Move on. You don't have to be angry at anyone, you just need to go and be in a healthy and productive relationship.
24 years old living at home playing videos? He has no life and he's sapping yours. Don't let THEM!
What's it going to be? A life of fun and adventure, or in this dismal environment with high blood pressure and potential health problems?
There are many ladies whose children love & respect their folks. There are single & childless ladies able to love a man and his kids . They're out there and they can appreciate and respect you.
Move on and get happy!
JMO.....along with 50 cents might buy you a can of soda.
James... I am a mother of 3
James...
I am a mother of 3 boys, ages 19, 17 & 12 and a step-mother to my husband's son, age 11 and daughter, age 9. My 19 year old son still lives at home BUT he is going to a local college with a 96 per cent grade point average, works 50 hours a week and has bought & paid for (on his own) a sports car and a truck that he uses for winter driving. Tuition and books are paid for through a trust fund that my ex-husband and I set up for each of our children from birth however he has paid for all 'extras' such as the computer and programming he needed for his engineering course, et cetera and of course, all his own essentials, clothes et cetera. The deal with the trust fund is that we will continue to draw from it as long as my son does well in school (not just passing but does what I expect of him with grades).
My 17 year old is graduating from high school this year and is undecided if he wants to go to college. He wants to work for a year first.
Here's our rules; if you are not in school, you pay rent. Secretly, my husband and I have decided that this 'rent money' will be put aside and may be given back to the child if they decide to go to college AND do well. This money can then be used for the things they'll need for school that don't come from the trust fund.
My advice to you...
Approach this to your wife with a VERY non-threatening attitude. Tell her that you are concerned about her son and want the best for him. Tell her that you are worried that if you don't enforce him paying rent, that he may not be motivated enough to be sucessful in life. Emphasize that you want him to be sucessful and that that is the reason you're so upset. Explain that if the two of you can't work together on this, the only person that loses is her son. Tell her that you know she loves her son and that you care about him too and that's what is motivating you. Tell her that you think it's very important that her son starts becoming self-sufficient; ie: does his own laundry, cleans up after himself, buys his own clothing etc. These are things he needs to learn to do to face the challenges of 'real life'.
One thing about mothers that I do know. We worry about these things just as much as you do but we won't tell you this if we feel you are putting our child down. It's the age old mantra; we can complain about our children but God forbid anyone else does! It makes us defensive and uncooperative. You might be surprised how receptive she may be if you approach this in a non-threatening 'we are on the same team' way.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
To add to my post... Yes, I
To add to my post...
Yes, I believe a 24 year old SHOULD be living on their own. If he's required to pay rent equivilent to having his own place AND do household chores that he would have to do if he had his own place, he WILL move out.
That is what I meant but didn't clearly state in my post.
This comment made me join
This comment made me join Steptalk. I'm in the same boat now for the last 6 weeks. I cannot bear thinking about the next 6 weeks, never mind 6 months or years!
I'll probably return...
Cheers.